Points to Ponder...

Not even close to finished...

4/13/00

• Can an orphan eat at a family restaurant?
• If you took the wings off of a fly, would you call it a walk?
• Why do they sterilize a needle before lethal injection?
• Does a bi-sexual pride parade go both ways?
• If they make corn oil from corn and vegetable oil from vegetables, what do they make baby oil from?
• If wool comes from sheep, do sheep shrink when it rains?
• If leather comes from cows, do cows shrink when it rains?
• With the number of birds there are, why is it we don't often see when they die?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
• If you try to fail, and you succeed, which have you done?
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
• If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
• Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Why do you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
• Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
• If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
• If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
• If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of?
• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
• If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
• Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
• What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
• What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
• If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
• Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
• What do you do when you have an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
• Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
• Is it possible to be totally partial?
• What's another word for thesaurus?

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• Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
• Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
• If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
• If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• Why is the word abbreviation so long?
• Why does the word monosyllable have five?
• When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
• If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, why practice?
• Why is the slowest time of traffic called rush hour?
• Why is there only one letter difference between here and there?
• Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• Who was the dumb idiot that put the letter "s" in lisp?
• Can a storm be officially designated as a tornado without touching down at a trailer park?
• Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
• Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
• If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

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• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
• If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
• If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
• Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
• What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
• Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
• Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, ...how cold will it be?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• If the only thing to survive a plane crash is the black box, why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box?
• If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
• In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
• Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?
• Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
• If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
• Why is it that when we ship something by truck, it's called a shipment but if we send something by ship, it's called cargo?
• Why is Greenland icy, and Iceland green?
• Why do doctors call what they do practice?
• How do "Do Not Walk On Grass" signs get there?
• Is a metaphor like a simile?

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• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
• Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
• Do flies get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
• Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
• Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
• How can someone "draw a blank"?
• How can there be self-help "groups"?
• How come wrong numbers are never busy?
• How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• How do you throw away a garbage can?
• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
• If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
• If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
• If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
• If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
• If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
• If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
• What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
• What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
• What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
• What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
• When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
• Why aren't there ever any GUILTY bystanders?
• Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
• Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?
• Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?
• Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
• Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
• Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?
• Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
• What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?
• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
• Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• Why do they report power outages on TV?
• Why is there only one monopolies and mergers commission?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

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• Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
• If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
• Why buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
• If it was a three hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes with her?
• Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
• If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?
• If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?
• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• If you are dyslexic and cross-eyed, can you read okay?
• Who puts those "THIN ICE" signs out there?
• If the world were flat would we still have Columbus Day?
• When people make a new Champagne, do they break a boat over it?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Can fat people go skinny dipping?
• Why doesn't anyone make a table out of coaster material?
• How come when you fix your copier it reproduces, but when you fix a dog it doesn't?
• Why are there locks on a 7-11 if they're open 24 hours a day?
• Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come of out her nose?
• What is a "free gift?" Aren't all gifts free?
• If someone has a mid-life crisis during a hide-&-seek game, does that mean he automatically loses because he can't find himself?
• If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill themself, is that considered a hostage situation?
• If we are here to help others, what are the others here for?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
• Why do our noses run and our feet smell?
• Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
• Why do the makers of Minute Rice give their product that name when it takes 5 minutes to cook?
• Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• What happens when none of your bees wax?
• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
• Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• Is it possible to be totally partial?
• Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
• Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

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6/11/00

• Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
  It's just stale bread to begin with.
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
• Why is a person who plays the piano call a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
• Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposite things?
• If horrific mean to make horrible, doesn't terrific mean to make terrible?
• Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one?
• "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do." is the longest sentence?
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
• Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?
• Why do they call it a pair of pants if you only get one?
• Why is bra singular and panties plural?
• If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
• If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
• How can the weather be "hot as hell" one day and "cold as hell" another?
• Where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?
• Would Lightning travel faster if it did not zig-zag?

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6/12/00

• Is an unemployed jester nobody's fool?
• If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
• When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
• Is a cow with no legs called groud beef?
• Was the discovery of steel ironic?
• Do people who polish cars so they shine work in a buffer zone?
• Do shepards have staff meetings?
• Do banks with different rates have conflicts of interest?
• Do army dentists make a good drill corps?
• Is Britain a wet place because the queen has bad such a long reign?
• Do television sets in Britain have to cross the English Channel?
• Are Egyptian in denail when they are up to their knees in a river?
• Are Irish rich because their capital is always Dublin?
• Do people who take jobs in the east go through Orientation?
• If you send a letter to the Phillipines, do you need to send it in a Manila envelope?
• If California is known for earthquakes and suntans, could you call it "Shake & Bake?"
• Was the first drinking establishment in Alaska a polar bar?
• Do people in the desert have dry humor?
• Should libraries have several floors because they are multi-story buildings?
• Do high jumpers do well at the Olympics because they are always on a leap year?
• Do captains of ships have a lot of latitude?
• Is a leak in the back of a boat a stern warning?
• If two people invest in a boat, is it a partner-ship?
• If every car in the country was white, would you live in a white carnation?
• Do hotel owners have suite dreams?
• Are maids experts at spread sheets?
• Are the washrooms in a seafood resteraunt labeled Buoys and Gulls?
• Are beer recipes called brew prints?
• Was six afraid of seven because seven eight nine?

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6/14/00

• Why do we sings "Take me out to the Ballgame" when we're already there?
• Do fish get cramps after eating?
• Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
• Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?
  Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
• Why are we afraid of falling? Shoulding we be afraid of the sudden stop?
• Why is it called "after dark" when it's really after light?
• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
• Why are there D batteries, C batteries, AAA batteries, AA batteries, but no B or single A batteries?
• If a funeral procession is at night, do you drive with your lights off?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• Why do you only slip and fall when carrying fragile things?
• Why does the buttered side of the toast always land on the floor?
• Why do you only go out for spaghetti while wearing a white shirt?

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10/17/00

• If I lit my arm on fire and walked down the road, could I be arrested for carrying a firearm?

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