NyteGoddessBoo's Blog

Buried Emotions

After a very long and heartfelt discussion with Nyte. I have come to the conclusion that I can not keep my anger and pain buried any longer. I must let it surface and escape, otherwise I am going to let it consume me. This is very difficult for me because I don't enjoy hurting anyone, (including the ones who have hurt me) It is only a matter of time before all of these rages come out and explode so I must get it under control. Most of my anger and hatred is from a person most would call dad or father, I chose not to call him either for he is merely a sperm donor. Nor is he a man in my eyes. The years of abuse (mentally-verbally-physically-emotionally and sexually) have destroyed a big part of me. I know we shouldn't hate but I do HATE this person. One of the people that you should be able to go to for any reason and always feel loved and protected. Not my case, was a person I feared, despised, wanted dead, and the list goes on. How did I get this way? Did I deserve all of the things done to me? Was that his sick and demented way of showing love. Well if it was, I was loved like no other but I don't believe it for one minute nor do I believe he suffers from some sort of illness. Others may see it differently. He is a pedifile who preys upon the innocence of those around him - basically his family. It all begin when I was around the age of 11. You know the age when most young girls start to take on the form of womanhood. Thinking back to those days makes me literally sick to my stomach and I feel ashamed. He had no right to invade me the ways he did. He first started staring at me- which made me feel very uncomfortable. Next came the lil remarks (which he made sure was for my ears only) among them being, you got a nice body, and eventually led up to touching when we passed one another in the hall way. I tried my best to avoid him at all cost and for that I paid the price as well- beatings- no not spankings but beatings that left me bruised from one end of my body to the other. I guess it was his way of teaching me a lesson who knows. Then came the visits to the bedroom, sliding his hands up underneath the covers and saying things. Then saying that he was just trying to wake me up for school. Needless to say, I started sleeping if full clothing. No way was I going to let this person take away from me. This continued over the years, and more was added to it as time passed. The lowest of all was when he offered me money for sex. To think that he thought no more of me than a prostitute on the streets. Finally, I got up the strength and courage to tell my womb carrier (some call mom or mother) Needless to say that was a waste of time. Can you believe she asked him about it and he said he would never talk to us like that or try anything with us. She didn't believe me and slapped me thru the face and said "If you wouldn't go around here dressing like a slut - he wouldn't proposition you" Well that told me she had her doubts about him. Amazing how the 2 people that are suppose to protect you no matter what the cost are the same 2 who are destroying you. The beatings continued until I was almost 18. The remarks continued until after I had my first child. I couldn't take it no longer and told him that if he ever touched me or said anything else to me that I would kill him and I meant it. He had already destroyed my childhood and I was determined it wasn't going to go into my adulthood. But I was wrong , because it has affected my adulthood. The emotional as well as phyical scars are still there after all these years. I know one day all of this pain and anger will come to an end. I just pray that it will before I destroy anymore of what is left of me.

2008-03-24 16:34:06 GMT

Comments (14 total)

Author:Anonymous

You know i stand behind you and i know you need to do this I Love You Very Much You are so special to me Theres not much i can really say that i havent said already
--nyte

2008-03-25 03:35:08 GMT

Author:Anonymous

Nice one. Thanks for visiting my site.
--Sunduvan
<http://games-sunduvan.blogspot.com>

2008-03-25 05:01:20 GMT

Author:Anonymous

Oh my goodness - I really feel like a heel after posting my stupid vent-blog and reading this. Please forgive me. There is NO comparison between the two circumstances whatsoever. Sometimes a big butt, myself. I love your brave-ness!
--kimbathewhitelioness
<mailto:[email protected]>

2008-03-25 17:27:08 GMT

Author:Anonymous

First, know this (and I believe you DO) you did nothing wrong. As sad as it is, there are some seriously sick people in the world. Unfortunately, they can sometimes be our parents and those whom God entrusted our care and upbringing to. Make no mistake, they WILL stand before the judgement seat of God and WILL give an account for their actions. We all will. But despite what horrible things were done, I want you to know that I see in you a strength beyond reason for what you've endured in your lifetime. I see BEAUTY. We all have "baggage" in our pasts, in our lives (some a little more than others) and the loss of innocence you so unjustly were robbed of in your youth is inexcusable - but you have amounted to a beautiful person DESPITE all of that. You are in the process of becoming an OVERCOMER! And I admire your courage. Your strength. And your weakness. I am here for you if you ever need to talk. You know where to find me. Big hugs!
--kimbathewhitelioness
<mailto:[email protected]>

2008-03-25 17:34:57 GMT

Author:Anonymous

Oh sweety,
You are so wonderful and understanding. Even when I fall you are there to pick up the pieces. I am truly blessed that you have come into my life. You have given me so much and I am eternally grateful to have you. I love you forever and a day.
--NyteGoddessBoo
<http://www.mybloglog.com/buzz/members/NytegoddessBoo/>

2008-03-26 05:04:25 GMT

Author:Anonymous

Kimba, my dear friend,
Thanks so much for your heartwarming comment. I know that I did nothing wrong but the what if plays over and over in my mind. Yes, we all have skeletons in our closets and regret things we can't change. But each of us can learn. I have always said mistakes are lifes lessons learned the hard way. Every person will stand and face God on judgement day and have to be accountable for what we have done. This post was not a cry for sympathy or to get attention, it was an emotional outlet for me in order to start the healing process and to show others that every family is not the "Leave It To Beaver" one. I hope that in sharing a part of my painful past that it will help someone else to realize that they are not alone. To give them the strength and courage to battle the demons that they bury deep within their souls. Thanks for being such a wonderful friend. Big Huggles right back at ya.
--NyteGoddessBoo
<http://www.mybloglog.com/buzz/members/NytegoddessBoo/>

2008-03-26 05:13:55 GMT

Author:Anonymous

Yes, I understand what you mean. And you're so right. The "Leave It To Beaver" lifestyle was only a facade of the past - the 1950's generation mentality. And I emphasize the word FACADE! Hiding the truth is merely IGNORING the truth - but it doesn't make the truth go away. It's just cloaked in deception.

Life is no different now than it ever was, it's just that our generation has chosen to FACE our demons head-on - we stand up and boldly proclaim "Enough is enough!"

I just wanted you to know that I can relate to ya, girly!

--kimbathewhitelioness
<mailto:[email protected]>

2008-03-28 14:38:36 GMT

Author:Anonymous

Hello..Nobody is perfect in this world..We're all sinners,we all suffer from pains,anger ..but to be able to get through with all those anger and suffering is to offer them to the Father..The father heals all kinds of pains, weaknesses,sickness, and wounds ..even the most dreadful disease will be healed if you offer it to the Father..All my prayers to you and your family..
--sollee

2008-03-30 09:24:16 GMT

Author:Anonymous

Strangely, memories of our childhood stay with us forever and affect us the rest of our lives.
--EuroYank
<http://euroyank.blogspot.com>

2008-03-30 14:05:36 GMT

Author:Anonymous

thanks for sharing this!
--BPD in OKC
<http://bpdokc.blogspot.com>

2008-03-30 21:38:05 GMT

Author:Anonymous

you still have a Father in heaven who cares for you. Let Him take ALL your pains away...

2008-03-31 04:10:57 GMT

Author:Anonymous

I don't know what to say Nytgoddessboo.If I
were on your shoes, I'd be more destructive, I guess.I hurt myself because of the hate I have for others.

It's hard to move on carrying our loads.We suffer day by day.Time heals..but yeah the scars
will stay.One day it won't hurt anymore, but the memory of it remains.

I felt sad reading your post, yet still I admire
you for having the courage to free it out.That'll make you stronger.

--MoonLae
<http://moongoddesslae.blogspot.com>

2008-04-01 06:25:20 GMT

Author:Anonymous

This shouldn't happen to you nor any child for this matter. It is harder even to get your mum to take proper action to stop this abuse. You did it right finally, facing him and give him an ultimate warning squarely in his face. He should be put away in the cell and rot!!

Continue even when it is hard to go on; release even when it is hard to let go; endure even when it is hard to bear; this is how we build our character.

<a href="http://leisureblog.blogspot.com/2008/04/tzu-chi-still-thought-philosophy.html">Tzu Chi Still Thought Philosophy
</a>
--Shrek
<http://leisureblog.blogspot.com/>

2008-04-11 18:39:48 GMT

Author:Anonymous

I visited your page.Whatever you explain is the invading the modesty of a woman.

--Anup Dahiya
<http://moreonhealthtoday.blogspot.com>

2008-04-17 05:57:23 GMT

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		My Own Lil World Of Things.
		Buried Emotions After a very long and heartfelt discussion with Nyte. I have come to the conclusion that I can not keep my anger and pain buried any longer. I must let it surface and escape, otherwise I am going to let it consume me. This is very difficult for me because I don't enjoy hurting anyone, (including the ones who have hurt me) It is only a matter of time before all of these rages come out and explode so I must get it under control. Most of my anger and hatred is from a person most would call dad or father, I chose not to call him either for he is merely a sperm donor. Nor is he a man in my eyes. The years of abuse (mentally-verbally-physically-emotionally and sexually) have destroyed a big part of me. I know we shouldn't hate but I do HATE this person. One of the people that you should be able to go to for any reason and always feel loved and protected. Not my case, was a person I feared, despised, wanted dead, and the list goes on. How did I get this way? Did I deserve all of the things done to me? Was that his sick and demented way of showing love. Well if it was, I was loved like no other but I don't believe it for one minute nor do I believe he suffers from some sort of illness. Others may see it differently. He is a pedifile who preys upon the innocence of those around him - basically his family. It all begin when I was around the age of 11. You know the age when most young girls start to take on the form of womanhood. Thinking back to those days makes me literally sick to my stomach and I feel ashamed. He had no right to invade me the ways he did. He first started staring at me- which made me feel very uncomfortable. Next came the lil remarks (which he made sure was for my ears only) among them being, you got a nice body, and eventually led up to touching when we passed one another in the hall way. I tried my best to avoid him at all cost and for that I paid the price as well- beatings- no not spankings but beatings that left me bruised from one end of my body to the other. I guess it was his way of teaching me a lesson who knows. Then came the visits to the bedroom, sliding his hands up underneath the covers and saying things. Then saying that he was just trying to wake me up for school. Needless to say, I started sleeping if full clothing. No way was I going to let this person take away from me. This continued over the years, and more was added to it as time passed. The lowest of all was when he offered me money for sex. To think that he thought no more of me than a prostitute on the streets. Finally, I got up the strength and courage to tell my womb carrier (some call mom or mother) Needless to say that was a waste of time. Can you believe she asked him about it and he said he would never talk to us like that or try anything with us. She didn't believe me and slapped me thru the face and said "If you wouldn't go around here dressing like a slut - he wouldn't proposition you" Well that told me she had her doubts about him. Amazing how the 2 people that are suppose to protect you no matter what the cost are the same 2 who are destroying you. The beatings continued until I was almost 18. The remarks continued until after I had my first child. I couldn't take it no longer and told him that if he ever touched me or said anything else to me that I would kill him and I meant it. He had already destroyed my childhood and I was determined it wasn't going to go into my adulthood. But I was wrong , because it has affected my adulthood. The emotional as well as phyical scars are still there after all these years. I know one day all of this pain and anger will come to an end. I just pray that it will before I destroy anymore of what is left of me. 2008-03-24 16:34:06 GMT Comments (14 total) Author:Anonymous You know i stand behind you and i know you need to do this I Love You Very Much You are so special to me Theres not much i can really say that i havent said already --nyte 2008-03-25 03:35:08 GMT Author:Anonymous Nice one. Thanks for visiting my site. --Sunduvan <http://games-sunduvan.blogspot.com> 2008-03-25 05:01:20 GMT Author:Anonymous Oh my goodness - I really feel like a heel after posting my stupid vent-blog and reading this. Please forgive me. There is NO comparison between the two circumstances whatsoever. Sometimes a big butt, myself. I love your brave-ness! --kimbathewhitelioness <mailto:[email protected]> 2008-03-25 17:27:08 GMT Author:Anonymous First, know this (and I believe you DO) you did nothing wrong. As sad as it is, there are some seriously sick people in the world. Unfortunately, they can sometimes be our parents and those whom God entrusted our care and upbringing to. Make no mistake, they WILL stand before the judgement seat of God and WILL give an account for their actions. We all will. But despite what horrible things were done, I want you to know that I see in you a strength beyond reason for what you've endured in your lifetime. I see BEAUTY. We all have "baggage" in our pasts, in our lives (some a little more than others) and the loss of innocence you so unjustly were robbed of in your youth is inexcusable - but you have amounted to a beautiful person DESPITE all of that. You are in the process of becoming an OVERCOMER! And I admire your courage. Your strength. And your weakness. I am here for you if you ever need to talk. You know where to find me. Big hugs! --kimbathewhitelioness <mailto:[email protected]> 2008-03-25 17:34:57 GMT Author:Anonymous Oh sweety, You are so wonderful and understanding. Even when I fall you are there to pick up the pieces. I am truly blessed that you have come into my life. You have given me so much and I am eternally grateful to have you. I love you forever and a day. --NyteGoddessBoo <http://www.mybloglog.com/buzz/members/NytegoddessBoo/> 2008-03-26 05:04:25 GMT Author:Anonymous Kimba, my dear friend, Thanks so much for your heartwarming comment. I know that I did nothing wrong but the what if plays over and over in my mind. Yes, we all have skeletons in our closets and regret things we can't change. But each of us can learn. I have always said mistakes are lifes lessons learned the hard way. Every person will stand and face God on judgement day and have to be accountable for what we have done. This post was not a cry for sympathy or to get attention, it was an emotional outlet for me in order to start the healing process and to show others that every family is not the "Leave It To Beaver" one. I hope that in sharing a part of my painful past that it will help someone else to realize that they are not alone. To give them the strength and courage to battle the demons that they bury deep within their souls. Thanks for being such a wonderful friend. Big Huggles right back at ya. --NyteGoddessBoo <http://www.mybloglog.com/buzz/members/NytegoddessBoo/> 2008-03-26 05:13:55 GMT Author:Anonymous Yes, I understand what you mean. And you're so right. The "Leave It To Beaver" lifestyle was only a facade of the past - the 1950's generation mentality. And I emphasize the word FACADE! Hiding the truth is merely IGNORING the truth - but it doesn't make the truth go away. It's just cloaked in deception. Life is no different now than it ever was, it's just that our generation has chosen to FACE our demons head-on - we stand up and boldly proclaim "Enough is enough!" I just wanted you to know that I can relate to ya, girly! --kimbathewhitelioness <mailto:[email protected]> 2008-03-28 14:38:36 GMT Author:Anonymous Hello..Nobody is perfect in this world..We're all sinners,we all suffer from pains,anger ..but to be able to get through with all those anger and suffering is to offer them to the Father..The father heals all kinds of pains, weaknesses,sickness, and wounds ..even the most dreadful disease will be healed if you offer it to the Father..All my prayers to you and your family.. --sollee 2008-03-30 09:24:16 GMT Author:Anonymous Strangely, memories of our childhood stay with us forever and affect us the rest of our lives. --EuroYank <http://euroyank.blogspot.com> 2008-03-30 14:05:36 GMT Author:Anonymous thanks for sharing this! --BPD in OKC <http://bpdokc.blogspot.com> 2008-03-30 21:38:05 GMT Author:Anonymous you still have a Father in heaven who cares for you. Let Him take ALL your pains away... 2008-03-31 04:10:57 GMT Author:Anonymous I don't know what to say Nytgoddessboo.If I were on your shoes, I'd be more destructive, I guess.I hurt myself because of the hate I have for others. It's hard to move on carrying our loads.We suffer day by day.Time heals..but yeah the scars will stay.One day it won't hurt anymore, but the memory of it remains. I felt sad reading your post, yet still I admire you for having the courage to free it out.That'll make you stronger. --MoonLae <http://moongoddesslae.blogspot.com> 2008-04-01 06:25:20 GMT Author:Anonymous This shouldn't happen to you nor any child for this matter. It is harder even to get your mum to take proper action to stop this abuse. You did it right finally, facing him and give him an ultimate warning squarely in his face. He should be put away in the cell and rot!! Continue even when it is hard to go on; release even when it is hard to let go; endure even when it is hard to bear; this is how we build our character. <a href="http://leisureblog.blogspot.com/2008/04/tzu-chi-still-thought-philosophy.html">Tzu Chi Still Thought Philosophy </a> --Shrek <http://leisureblog.blogspot.com/> 2008-04-11 18:39:48 GMT Author:Anonymous I visited your page.Whatever you explain is the invading the modesty of a woman. --Anup Dahiya <http://moreonhealthtoday.blogspot.com> 2008-04-17 05:57:23 GMT Site Home