Caruswyn
– my dear, my dearest
Carusawin
– my dear one, my dearest one
Daughters of the Queen
Chapter Twenty-two
The Sound of the Silence
Malek lost all track of time. He was in a mist and could see nothing else. Time seemed to be standing still. He could not tell if it was minutes, days, weeks, or months that he floated in the mists. The pain was still there, but it no longer felt as if it was cutting into him. All that was left was a constant intense aching of his heart, body and mind. He wished he could see something other than the gray of the wisps that floated around him. At least he was no longer in a black void, but the gray one was almost as bad.
Suddenly, Malek felt a jolt and he could tell that he was floating down. He kept his eyes closed tightly as he braced himself for the feel of the water against his body. He hoped it wasn’t a cold lake. He hated cold water. As he continued to float downward, he sighed morosely, thinking that the All probably sent him into freezing water just to make the entire experience even worse. It was taking a very long time to hit the water.
The air under him was becoming firmer; the floating sensation seeming to slow. He frowned. Why was the air becoming hard? What an odd sensation. It was as if the air had solidified and was now a platform. Not only that, but it felt as if it was wrapping around him. And it was very warm. Then he realized that he was no longer moving. He had completely stopped. He frowned as he wondered where the water was. Surely they knew he could not survive in corporeal form without water. He snapped his eyes open to look around and caught his breath at what he saw.
“Well, young Malek, I see you have rejoined us. Devlin is still asleep, is he not?”
Malek stared at him in disbelief, fearing he was dreaming, but he took the cup held out to him. He grasped it using Devlin’s hand. He could feel the cup, so surely this was real. He looked at him with Dev’s eyes. And he could no longer look down and see the occupants of the room. He was one of the occupants of the room. How was that possible? Searching, reaching outward, he found Devlin asleep, and he was definitely within his body. He could hear his heartbeat and his breath as he breathed. He was no longer in either the void or the mist; it was no longer silent. What had happened? Why was he here instead of in the lake? And when had Artereos arrived? The last he remembered Kataya was helping him to sleep so she could talk to Dev to try to help him. Then he had awoken in a black void where the only light was from the room below or when Artereos was with him. Devlin had not been there. He knew he had not.
Coming slowly up on his elbow, he drank a small amount of the tea, slowly increasing the amount until he had managed to drink half of the cup full. The nausea that had started as soon as he awoke seemed to be retreating. He drank some more of the tea. Yes, definitely receding. And that was another thing that told him he must be back within Devlin. When he was in the All there had been no nausea, only emotional pain.
“Devlin is asleep, sir. Will he – will he wake up soon?”
“Very probably, but not before we have had a chance to talk. You seem disoriented. What appears to be the matter, Malek?”
“I was supposed to be put into a lake. I was supposed to never be with Devlin again. You told me so, just now. What has happened?”
“Ah, yes, well, I am afraid that things did not turn out quite as you expected them to. And beyond that you have been doing a little, well, for want of a better word, we will call it precognitive dreaming, Malek. And you learned very quickly what you needed to learn. Your decision to be wiped from their memories told the All what you had learned louder than any words could have done.”
“So, Gwennetha was not called before the All because of me? And Kataya and Merdwin did not discuss it? Does that mean that the things I saw in Devlin’s mind are not true? I do not understand.”
“No, I daresay you do not. But to answer your questions. Yes, Gwennetha was called before the all to answer your accusations. She did not fight the charges you placed against her, but pleaded guilty. Kataya and Merdwin were discussing it, the two of you did hear them, you did see the memories that Devlin has buried for years, and he did withdraw from you.”
“Then what part was a dream? I do not understand.”
“Kataya helped you to sleep, but as you drifted off, you again sent very strong feelings into the All. You did go before a tribunal, and it was agreed you would take Gwennetha’s place and serve the sentence in her stead. You were taken from Devlin and released into the All. At that point, you experienced non-existence and what it is like. After that, things become a little, ah, insubstantial and shadowy, in other words, the instructive dreams. That is when you watched the events that would come to pass if nothing happened to change them.
“Artereos…”
“Let me finish, young Malek. There is much for you to learn before Devlin awakes and you make your peace first with him, and then with Gwennetha.”
Malek nodded and automatically took the cup that Artereos had refilled and again held out to him. He sipped as he had been instructed to do. It seemed to be helping quite a bit. He took a shaky breath and waited for Artereos to continue.
“Devlin was also allowed to see what awaited the three of you. He was quite distraught about the All’s decision. As a result, he sent a very loud message out into the All which in turn caused him to be summoned to a tribunal. He did not wish either you or Gwennetha to be punished. He became quite vocal when he was brought before the tribunal. That is the one thing that changed what you saw. Devlin refused to give you up.”
“The All believes in self determination. So, although you had agreed to be wiped from their minds, it could not take Devlin’s memories of you from him without his consent, and although it was explained to him that you wished to do this to end their grief of losing you, he refused to consent. Friends and casual acquaintances are a different matter. You would have been wiped from all history and another put in your place. They would have known you still, but it would not have been you, if you can understand that. However, for your Soulmate that was not possible. He had to be given the choice of accepting your decision or not. They could take you as part of your sentence and separate you for the allotted time, but they could not wipe you from his memory unless he agreed. He refused.”
“Devlin is very deeply attached to you, Malek. His near panic, which ended in a threat to take his life before he allowed the All to wipe his memory of you, or to keep you parted for so long, was a deciding factor in your release. That would make the All responsible for his death, and the All does not work in that way. They would not trade your life and Devlin’s for that of the kits, nor would it allow Devlin’s life to be forfeit because of something it did. And it had become obvious that you had, ah, seen the error of your ways, and that Devlin had also learned some things that he needed to learn. Your acceptance of the offer to be wiped from their memories so they could find peace and happiness spoke well for you and what you had learned.”
“Devlin was very eloquent on the subject of their culpability, as well as how the All did not have the right to tell him that he should be parted from his Soulmates, either of them. He pointed out that you were not even acting like yourself and if it knew so much then it should have been trying to help you, instead of hurting all three of you. He went on to call them some very unpleasant things and accuse them of underhandedness, ah, among other things. It was very invigorating to see and hear. The All was, um, impressed…and somewhat amuse…, ah well, never mind, for that is neither here nor there.”
“Of course, the All pointed out that it did not matter if you were with Devlin, or not, because he had turned from you and shut you out of his life. He was hiding in a corner of his mind, afraid to confront you with his past. That was the choice he had made, so the All had made its decisions based on what he had done as much as what you had agreed to. Needless to say, he quickly assured the All that he would no longer shut you out, or remain locked away in his mind.”
“He also admitted that he had allowed you to have control of your joint lives for far too long, and that he would begin to disagree with you when he felt you were wrong. He realizes that if he had only done so this time, the entire situation could have been avoided. He is ready to begin to rebuild your relationship and when he awakens, he will be back with you. It may be difficult for you both, but you care deeply for one another, and you will work through it.” Artereos paused, as he looked at Malek quite sternly, “It will also be your responsibility to see to it that you do not take advantage of him. For it would be very easy for both of you to fall back into old ways and patterns.”
“The All never intended to do any of those things, did it, Artereos? It was simply slapping me down and teaching me a few truths about myself, was it not?”
Leaning back in his chair, Artereos continued to gaze at Malek, but then his eyes became unfocused as if seeing something beyond him. He turned back to him, and his gaze was cold and piercing, as he smiled grimly. His tone soft, yet holding a threat, he said, “The All was quite ready and willing to do every one of those things, Malek, do not ever doubt that. Had you not begun to see what you were doing to yourself and your mates, it would have felt no compunction in tossing you into a lake for the next few hundred years and wiping your memory from recorded and personal histories. I was telling you the truth when I said that only Devlin’s actions spared you. You came very close to losing everything you hold most dear this day. Do not forget it.”
Artereos let his words sink in before continuing, not allowing Malek to answer him yet. “After Devlin made his statements as to what he intended to do to make your relationship work more equitably, the All returned to the original accusations and sentence. It would be Gwennetha that was sentenced.”
“It was at this point that Devlin let them know in no uncertain terms that the two of you wished to retract them. He explained that it was only the instability of your emotions due to the changes that had taken place in your bodies that had caused you to be so unreasonable.
He pointed out that you had wished to take back your accusations. That you had realized they were not true. Since it was your fault and his that Gwennetha had been summoned, he should have the right to make the accusations null and void on the grounds that the two of you had become aware that you were wrong.”
The All then pointed out that it should make no difference to the two of you if Gwennetha was gone from you, for you had rejected her anyway.”
“He informed them that he had never repudiated her and had only been waiting for you to become calmer before attempting to start reconciliation. He reassured them that he would see to it that you did not continue to make all of the decisions and the first one he would insist on doing his way was asking Gwennetha for forgiveness for the two of you.”
Artereos paused for a moment and then he said very softly, but firmly, his voice steel covered in velvet, “There is another condition to your return to Devlin and the dismissing of the charges you brought against Gwennetha. Devlin had to agree to be responsible for your actions in this matter and any future situations that come up concerning your vows to her. If you fail again, then Devlin’s life will be forfeit as well as yours for an unspecified amount of time. I would suggest you keep that in mind if you are ever tempted again to renounce your Soulmate.”
“Should you repudiate your mates again, it will not go as easy on you as it did this time. One lapse it will tolerate, two is too many. Do not think that you will ever have this chance again, for you never will. Unwavering faith in them and their love of you is what you promised. Do not fail them again.”
“I will neither forget what I have learned nor lose faith and fail them. I did not mean to imply that I did not believe it would ever do those things, I simply meant that it did it to attempt to make me open my eyes and see what I was doing. I am quite aware that nothing could save me if it happened again. And there is no way in the universe that I would allow Devlin to be punished for something that I did.”
“I am glad that you realize that, Malek, for it is quite true.”
Becoming once more the Artereos that Malek had first met, he again poured more tea for him and handed it to him saying, “If you continue to drink your tea as you should, you will find that you are hungry before very long. Drink up, there you go.”
With the easing of the tension brought on by Malek’s statement of intent and understanding, Malek felt comfortable enough to ask some more questions, knowing they would not this time be taken wrong. Relaxing against the headboard as Artereos again became comfortable in his chair, he asked, “Artereos, how much of what I experienced was real? You said I did leave Devlin, so, how much of what I saw was real? How much of it truly happened? And who set all of this in motion? Was it Kataya when she put me to sleep? Or Merdwin? Or you? Which of you saw to it that both Devlin and I learned the lessons we needed so badly to learn?” Malek asked quietly.
“Is it really important, Malek, how it came about, or how much actually took place, and how much was just a vision of a possible future? As long as you have had your eyes opened to what your life might be like without the mate’s of your Soul, is that not enough?”
“Yes, I suppose it is, but I would still like to thank whichever one of you it was. You have done Devlin and me a great service when you had to be very angry at me, especially.”
“Let us say we were a little disappointed in your reaction even though it was the one we expected. As for which of us did it? You should look to the All for the answer to that for we are simply instruments of it, and both protect it and are protected by it. It is never evil or cruel, Malek, and it would not allow those things you saw to happen if it could help it, at least in this first instance. In one way you were correct in saying that it did not intend to do those things to you, but you must add to that sentence ~this time~ and ~if he learns quickly~ remember that. Its patience is not infinite, as I said before, and it would have had no compunction about doing it if you had not responded as it expected.”
Malek nodded slowly, “So, the reality is that I was given time to work through my anger and resentment, but when I – when I did not, then the All took a hand in my affaires to attempt to teach me that which I should have learned somewhere along the way in the last two thousand years. I did not realize that it would interfere in this way with our lives. Not that I am not grateful, for I am; I just did not realize they – it – would do so.”
“It or they, either one is appropriate, caruswyn. As for your statement about it taking a hand in your affaires; in the normal course of events it would not, Malek, but you, in your anger and resentment, sent a very strong message out into the Universe. And, do not forget that being with Gwennetha you are much closer to the All than you would normally be. It is a second home to her, for she is capable of traveling it freely as I am, as most Furling are.”
“When you became my granddaughter’s mate, you became a child of the All, and as such, you have, shall we say, a closer tie to it than you did before. You and Devlin, as well as Lantash and Martouf, are closer than most of its adopted children are. Not that they are not all cared for, but you are the mates to those of the chosen. Samantha and Kataya are special gifts from the all and of the All and therefore, very dear to it. Their children as well, are well known and cared for. As their mates you, too, are watched out for as much as is possible without it truly interfering. However, do not expect it to step in and stop most things from happening, Malek, for it will not. Remember, self-determination is the standard.”
“Therefore, what this all means is that it can hear you quite clearly and you were shouting quite loudly, at least within your mind. And from what I understand from Merdwin, also, at times, quite loudly within this room. You were not addressing anyone in particular; you addressed your remarks outward to the Universe, and it heard you quite clearly and plainly.”
Malek stared at Artereos attempting to assimilate what he was learning, and then he asked, “Is Gwennetha aware of what has happened? You said that Devlin knows, but does she also know? I saw them here, together. Was that real? Lantash and Samantha? Were they here?”
“Well, let me see. Gwennetha knows only what we have told her. She was not a part of the dream-state that you and Devlin were in within the All. She knows you petitioned the All to release her and take you in her stead, and she knows the final outcome. Lantash and Samantha were not here, although it was on a knife’s edge whether they could keep Lantash from coming. Once he was able to leave his room, he suggested that he come to talk to you, but they dissuaded him. You had already been quite vocal in your protests about Selmak and Brialek. We saw no need to go through that again with Lantash.”
Malek did not even attempt to stop the flush that colored his cheeks; he simply listened quietly.
“Lantash has been worried about you, but he has been occupied with the search for the queens. And with their nausea and food cravings, he has had other things on his mind.”
“You will be glad to know that they have located one address that they feel will lead them to some symbiotes if not a queen. So, now you must begin to get better and then become immersed in the hunt for your future queens along with them.”
Malek nodded as he took the cup that Artereos had once again filled. He wondered how much of this he would have to drink.
“Gallons of it, my dear boy, gallons of it. Trust me, I know.” Artereos picked up the thoughts that Malek threw out quite easily. Malek smiled slightly realizing what he had done. There were worse things than a grandfather-in-law who could pick up your stray thoughts.
“You weren’t ill, were you, sir?”
Artereos shuddered. “I shall never forget my sufferings. It was the most debilitating and humiliating thing I have ever lived through. You are not the first, nor will you be the last. My mate is Wiccadian and they have similar mating requirements and needs to ours, so I did indeed absorb my Lady’s essence. It was very powerful, more powerful than the Furlings in fact, and her daughters and granddaughter inherited that.”
“Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond her control, Gwennetha could not first get your consent. She feels very responsible for not telling you before she agreed to bond with you.”
“She does not need to feel that way. I am the one at fault here. I should have realized that with everything that was going on during that period of time that it was not something she would think to tell us. For her it is a fact of life, and one does not explain those things. It is unfortunate that neither Dev nor I had more knowledge about the Furling. Nor should I have held against her what happened that night. I do not think I fully understood until I was in the All that she literally had no control over what happened that night. I am sorry it took me so long.”
Artereos nodded as he sat relaxing and drinking his port. “Those are the things you must tell Gwennetha, not me. She is the one you will have to convince that you love, for she believes you do not.”
Malek shook his head sadly, “I do not believe there is any way she will ever believe me. I failed her, and I sent her away from me. That is not something that will be easily forgiven and will never be forgotten.”
“Perhaps. While it is true that she will probably never forget, I believe she will forgive. She is not a vindictive person, Malek. And she loves you greatly. You are the mate of her Soul, and that is not something she takes lightly. Her love for the two of you is stronger than any other she will ever have. Do not underestimate her understanding. You may have to confess to some unpleasant things, and admit to the traits that led you down that path, but if you are honest with her, she will understand them.”
Malek sighed, disconsolately, “I wish I could believe that. I remember what I saw while I was gone. Neither she nor Devlin have any reason to believe me. I failed them both, and I have no way to prove to them that I will not do so again.”
“You will find the way, caruswyn. And Devlin needs you to help him come too terms with his past. He must allow Kataya to take the rest of the deep searing pain of them away. She will do so as soon as he is ready for her to.”
“The rest?”
“Yes. She had started trying to help him, to take away some of the deep seated pain he bears, and she had helped some, but not nearly enough. She will gladly go back in and help him fight his demons. For, they are demons of his mind, and he must win over them. Once she takes the pain of them away, he will be able to do so, for he will be able to look at what happened and see it more realistically. Once he truly realizes that he had no choice, it will ease him.”
“I will do whatever I can to help him. The scenes I saw were – bad. I have seen worse things, of course, from the Goa’uld, but what I saw was bad enough to cause great emotional pain. He should not carry that burden alone, and he will no longer have to. Nor, will he have to worry about me finding out. He should have known it would make no difference to my feelings for him. And it explains things that puzzled me over the years.”
“Your reaction will go a long way toward helping him.”
“I will do my best, I promise you,” Malek assured him before pausing and then asking hesitantly, “How is – how is Gwennetha? When – when will I be allowed to see her? Will she even talk to me?” He paused and then added, “If she has been as ill as we have, then she has not been eating, and she is carrying the kits. She must eat, Artereos.”
Artereos sighed. He had known this question would come sooner or later. He wished he had better news for him. “Gwennetha has not been well, Malek. She is quite as ill as you have been. I am sure she will want to see you for herself to know that you are up and getting better. Just knowing that you have finally become more rational and wish to see her will help her, I believe. Her well-being is still not exactly stable. We hope this will allow her emotions to calm enough to let her body settle and be cared for by the energy around her.”
“She has a few hours a day that she feels stronger, and her mother has been helping her as much as she can. Your recovery will help her more than anything else will. So, the sooner you are well, the sooner she will be well.”
“I understand. I will continue to drink the tea, I assure you. It is such a relief to be without the constant nausea. I cannot believe that I refused it for so long. Someone should have poured it down my throat.”
“Ah, no. No, that does not work. The, er, unique taste, tends to make one bring it back up if they take too large a drink, too soon. You may ask Martouf when you are stronger. He has personal experience to back up the statement.”
“Lantash and Martouf are better? They are up and around now?”
“Yes, they are. They have been helping in the search. Of course, they still spend time in the facilities room, but that is to be expected as long as one is drinking. It must go somewhere, you know.”
Malek looked at the cup in his hand with resignation. It seemed that even after the nausea was under control he would be spending more time in that room than he would have liked. Sighing he took another drink. It did seem to grow on one.
“When can I see Gwennetha?”
“I think you should talk to Devlin first. You have bonds to rebuild and ties to repair with both of them. I would fix the ones with him first if I were you, for you will both need forgiveness. Gwennetha will be told at once that you and he are back together and working through your problems. And she will be told that you are both better, eager to see her, and hope that she will allow you to see her soon.”
“Devlin shouldn’t need her forgiveness, only myself.”
“Devlin did not dispute you and attempt to go to his mate even though he knew it had to be hurting her. He did not lose faith in her, but neither did he go to her.”
“But that was because of me.”
“I do not think that will matter greatly, Malek. It is his body and he is free to use it at any time. He chose not to go to her, and that is what he will have to work through, both with you and with Gwennetha. Once she realizes his loyalty and why he was that way, I believe she will forgive him freely. But he will have to tell her everything; it is the only way.”
Artereos looked thoughtful, and then stated, “I do not know, but it seems to me that Devlin must have, or had, some anger towards you that he has buried. I am guessing, of course, but you should try to find out. Buried anger can come forth at very bad times and cause all kinds of problems. Do not allow him to continue to bury it, and do not let him assure you he felt no resentment or anger over what has happened. He is sure to have had feelings of both.”
“I understand, and I will do whatever it takes, I promise you.”
“Good. Well, I assume you wish to talk to Devlin privately, and that we can now leave your windows and doors unlocked without you doing anything foolish.”
“No, I won’t, but do you have any idea when he will wake up? I do not wish to interrupt his sleep.”
“He will wake up as soon as I allow it, so whenever you feel you have enough of your questions answered, then I will leave you to deal with one another.”
“I am ready, Artereos.”
“Yes, young Malek, I believe you really are,” Artereos said as he set the carafe within easy reach of Malek. “Drink often, it is the only thing that will help,” he warned as he headed for the door.
He turned back after he opened it. “If you need help and wish for me to come back, simply think to me. I have a link set with the two of you and will come anytime. I wish you luck, Malek.”
“Thank you, sir.”
As the door closed, Malek sensed that Devlin was awakening. Now, the real tests of his new-found insight and determination would begin.
He felt Devlin’s mind searching frantically for him even before he was completely awake. There was fear and panic very near the surface. He rushed to reassure him, /Devlin, dear one, I am here. I am no longer gone./
/Malek? Malek, I thought you were gone from me. I thought the All took you from me. Was it a dream? Please do not tell me that this is the dream./
/I am sorry, Dev, but I was taken, and you were alone for a while. I do not know how long, and I did not think to ask Artereos. This is not a dream. I am back with you now, and I will be forever, I promise you./
/Was Artereos here? He was with me at the tribunal. They had put you away - away in a chamber that I could not get to. I was so angry and afraid that I would never feel you within me again./
/Yes, he was here. We talked for quite some time, and he explained most of what happened and why. Hush, caruswyn, it is all right, now. We are back together, and we will never be parted like that again. I have learned what I needed to learn, and I have realized that I was very unfair to you. You must not let me be so again, Dev. You must speak up, and tell me what you want./
/Yes, I have begun to realize that as
well. I was too quick to agree with you
because I wanted you to be happy. I have
always wanted that, for as you now know, you saved me from a very bad situation
over and above the
/I know, but I do not know why, Devlin. I do not think any less of you because of what happened to you. I have a great deal of admiration for you. You kept your sanity, and you did not allow that man to destroy that part of you that is truly you. Your very being and personality he could not touch, and for that I respect you very much./
Malek paused, and then said very softly, but firmly, /Devlin, there was nothing, nothing at all, that you could have done to stop what happened. Not one time did you have a chance to escape and even if you had he would have hunted you down and made it worse than before. You have absolutely nothing at all to be ashamed of. He is the one that should have been ashamed. Not you. I am glad we broke his neck,/ Malek said, his voice laden with satisfaction at that memory. He realized how much Devlin had treasured that moment and how much satisfaction it had given him.
Devlin said nothing for a moment as he let the words of comfort soak into and start to heal his heart. /Thank you, Malek. Your opinion means a great deal to me. And coming from you those statements mean even more, for you cannot lie to me anymore than I can lie to you, therefore, I know they are true statements. Kataya also, said much the same to me after her first session with me. She is trying to help me to deal with the pain so that I can then deal with the memories./
/Yes, that is what Artereos said. I am glad, Dev, because you should not have to live with that much pain. It is just too much. I, too, will help you all I can. Perhaps between the four of us, we will work through both your demons and my short-comings./
/Four? Oh, you mean Merdwin? I’m sure he would help, but he did not go in with Kataya./
/No, I meant Kataya, Gwennetha, you and I. She must be told of this, Devlin. No, do not begin to draw away again. Listen to me. She is hurt by me, and some of that will rub off onto you. You must tell her why you have such extreme loyalty to me that it caused you to stay with me rather than go to her. Artereos assured me that we must tell her, and I believe he is correct, as he usually is. I, too, will have to bare my soul to her for she is very hurt, and she is feeling, that is, she has been, betrayed by me. Unfortunately, since you remained by my side instead of going to her, you appear as guilty as I. As he pointed out, only the bare truth will suffice, carusawyn, but I promise you, I will help you all I can, and I will allow her anger to focus on myself rather than you. I will try to help her understand. You will not have to say anything, nor be the focus of her anger and pain./
/No, you will not, Malek, for in this Artereos is surely correct. I did not go to her when I should have. I myself have realized that I should have done so regardless of your attitude. I did not, so in reality, I am as guilty as you are. We will share her displeasure, Malek, and we will explain and admit to all of these things together. I will never again allow you to take control of everything, and that includes these types of things as well as the others. We may have to work at it for a time, but I feel sure that Gwennetha will be watching and helping us to see to it that we do not fall back into old habits.”
Malek was quiet for a moment before saying, “I feel sure you are correct. If, that is, I can get her to forgive me at all. I wish to be the one that talks to her if you do not mind, though, Dev. My transgression was by far the worst of what I, that is we, did. If you insist, then of course I will not talk to her, but I think I need to do it. I know that neither of you will trust me again, nor can I blame you for that. I will do my best, however, to see to it that neither of you are ever disappointed in me again./
/I will do my best as well, Malek. I do believe we are both to blame for this. I know you will feel better if you talk to her. I suppose in a way it will be a penance to you. You feel the need to ask her forgiveness yourself. I will also wish to do so, but I will wait until later./ He paused before continuing, /Gwennetha could not stop what happened. It was taken out of her control. I know she is very upset over what happened./
/We must convince her that we, no, that I, no longer look at it in an unfavorable light. I simply did not understand, and now that I do and have allowed myself to examine my memories of that night, I realize how very wrong I was to blame her. I just do not know how I can make her realize that I now do understand./ He sighed disconsolately.
/We will find a way, Malek. We must. Now that we are thinking more clearly, I realize that I cannot imagine our lives without her. I do not know if I could have survived if she had been taken from us./
Malek hugged him from within and Devlin wrapped him in warmth as well. There was no point in them being angry with one another. His stray thought entered Malek’s consciousness.
/Devlin, / Malek said, his voice tentative and gentle, /Artereos pointed something out to me. He suggested that you would be burying feelings of anger and resentment toward me because of what I did. He suggested that we face that together, and I believe he was correct in his suggestion. You have every reason to feel anger and resentment toward me. I do not believe you should bury them, for as he pointed out, they could come back to haunt us later at a most inappropriate time. I believe you should be honest with me about your feelings. Only then can we overcome them./
Malek waited tensely for Devlin to answer him. As the minutes ticked by, he realized that Devlin was deliberately shielding his thoughts from him. He frowned. What was he thinking about for so long? And why was he not sharing his feelings?
/I am not sharing them with you because I do not wish to hurt you, ever, and I feel my emotions would do so. I am not saying anything because you always know when I lie, and I must either tell you the truth, or remain quiet. I do not believe this is something we should discuss./ Devlin finally brought himself to say.
Malek knew immediately that his Devlin was harboring a great many emotions that were not pleasant and they were attached to him and his actions.
He sighed, and said firmly, /We cannot hope to make our peace with each other, or with Gwennetha, unless you are willing to share your thoughts and feelings, Dev. I believe you need to tell me what you felt during this past week as well as how you feel now. If you do not, then you are not being fair to me, to us, for I cannot make amends if I do not know what I need to make amends for. I have done so many stupid, hurtful things to you and Gwennetha this past week that I am not sure I even know where to start to try to heal our wounds. Without guidance from you, I never will./
Devlin hesitated still before finally asking, “What is it that you wish to know, Malek? /
/I wish for you to bring forward every angry resentful feeling you have had so that we can know it is there and hopefully deal with it./
/I do not wish to hurt you, Malek. I do not believe there is anything to be gained by dredging up my feelings during this past week./
/I think there is. If we do not cleanse ourselves of these things then they will fester and cause us pain later. Please, Dev, do not worry about hurting me. The universe knows, I hurt you and Gwennetha enough. Tell me, Dev. I need to know./
He drew a shaking breath as he waited for Devlin to answer him. When he did, it took him by surprise.
/There were times I hated you, Malek. I hated you, and I loved you. It is very unsettling. And, I wished I had never seen you, never been joined to you, and never had to hear you again. I resented the fact that you had never asked me my opinion, not once. And I was very angry because you would not allow logic to enter. You would not look at that night as anything other than a horrible experience, and it was not. You had made up your mind, and you did not care if I wanted to live or die because you wished to die. And you were going to take me with you and leave our Gwennetha alone to raise our children./
/Yes, looking back, I realize that I was very angry. I hated you, I resented you, and I was angry. At the same time I knew I owed you everything, and that without you I would have been dead. If not that, then I would still be chained in a room unless he sold me to someone else. But even knowing what I owed you for saving me, I was furious because you just assumed I would agree with whatever you said. /
He sighed deeply before going on, /I know now that you had every reason to feel that way, for that is what I have done for far too long. And I was furious with myself because I have always allowed you to lead and do very much as you pleased. I realized when the All took you from me that none of that was true. I did not hate you; I hated what you had done. I loved you more than anything else in the universe. I did not wish we had never met and joined, for that was the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I knew then that if I never heard you again, I would be heartbroken and devastated. I felt so very alone when they took you. I never want to feel that aloneness again. There were no sounds from within me; no feeling of being held, no thoughts to keep me company, no heartbeat mingling with my own. The sound of the silence was almost more than I could bear,/ he whispered at the end.
Malek waited for his emotions to settle a little before saying, /You have every right to feel those things, Devlin. I deserve that you feel those things. I am very sorry. I do not yet know how to make it up to you, or to Gwennetha, but I am willing to try anything that will ease both your minds and hearts./
/As for the sound of the silence. I, too, was faced with it. I have never been more terrified, lonely, and alone than I was when I realized I could no longer feel you or hear you. I longed for your touch and yearned to be able to touch you from within. I missed the warmth of your body and the sound of your heartbeat. I missed the whisper of your breathing and the comfort of your thoughts floating to me. It was as if there was nothing around me at all and I was devastated by it. I have never given you the love and attention I should have, Dev, and I am very sorry. By that I do not mean I did not love you, but that I failed to tell you and show you how very dear you are to me. I will not allow myself to so neglect you again. /
/I do not believe that I still feel those things, Malek. I am just so grateful to have you back with me. I no longer feel the anger and resentment that I felt before. I have tried to look at this from your perspective and though I find it hard to do, I can relate somewhat. You thought I had been hurt, and you had allowed it to happen. You thought she lied to us, even though she didn’t, and the hormones were throwing you completely off center./
Dev paused for a moment to gather his thoughts before he continued, /You had almost no control of anything from the moment we awoke that day. I accept your apology, Malek, and I hope you will accept mine. I am sorry I did not stand up to you and make you see it for what it was. I should have insisted that you allow Gwennetha to be with us and explain what happened. So we are both at fault in some ways; neither of us are blameless, so do not think it./
/Good did come out of it, however, Malek, for we have both realized things that we should have known by now. I never want to live through anything remotely like that again./
/Thank you, carusawyn. Perhaps I do not deserve that you are being so forgiving, but I will welcome it just the same. I promise you I will not allow this kind of thing to happen to us again. The next time something comes up, I will try to remember to ask for your opinion, and I expect you to share your viewpoint as well, even if I slip and do not ask. In fact, you must not wait for me to ask your opinion. You must make your feelings known. And, Devlin, there will no longer be a day go by that I do not tell you how loved and appreciated you are./
/I agree and I, too, will be sure to let you know that I care./ He hesitated before asking, /Do you think that now we should begin thinking about what we will say to Gwennetha? For I fear it will take more than an apology and a smile./
/I am quite sure you are correct, Dev. We should start planning now. We already know we will do whatever we have to do to win Gwennetha back to us. Not matter what we have to do or how long it takes. Neither of us can live without her. So, the plan. Yes, we need to work on what we should do. Well, as soon as we take care of business. Artereos said the tea had to go somewhere./ He sighed deeply. /He was right./
Dev grinned as he and Malek stood to go take care of the tea. Suddenly they both felt a lightening of their spirits. Their worlds were not back to normal, and they still had many bridges to rebuild, but for the first time in what seemed like forever, they had hope, and they had a purpose. And though it was a small thing, they had been granted a small blessing; this time they weren’t trying to bring up their stomach.
TBC