this is my last journal for this space. A lot has happened since this space was developed. My loves have changed, my perception of myself has become stronger, my emotions are controllable and i have more respect for myself and those who deserve it. i will leave a note to those who have read this space and sorta understood what has gone down in the last while.
seamus,
you have been most beautiful to me. i mean, let's just say, i put you through a lot of unintentionable hell. i was as confused as you were. obviously. we've talked about how, i think any other time we may have started dating things might not have worked. timing is half of the battle isn't it? three months. its not a huge marker, especially since we've known each other for so long. at least it feels like a long time. I've decided to make a special area for the buddha, to mimick the room in the walters. he deserves a beautiful background. to many more silly moments and cuddling to come.
amy,
seven years huh? wow, it doesn't feel that long. sometimes i think if we didn't see each other for years like if we met after a long absence, things would just click back to like i had seen you yesterday. we do have the same inner core don't we?! hehe. you were one of the only people in high school and college so far, who has always been close to me and checked up on me. even when i felt like shit, you distracted me and when i was in a great mood, we shared it. i love you more than any of my other friends. and if they get jealous, well, they are just being silly.
erin,
i dunno if you really read this thing. but well, hun, you are a wonderful person. you've always been my friend and i feel like we've gotten closer over time. you remind me alot of amy, your attitude is refreshing and happy. and i like having a girlfriend i can chill with. and i really don't think you'll make me lesbian. and i wish you and liz love. don't lose track of yourself, dont' let anyone tell you that you are stupid or weird or anything derogatory, cause i will have to put them in their place dammit!
chris,
of all the people i've met in the last few years, you seem among the biggest sweathearts. you've been through a lot of shit, i know. i still remember the evening in the library, if you think back, you might remember too. elena is a lucky girl to get someone so compassionate. and i thank you for not letting me go away. for always yanking me back and saying you do really care about me. cause a lot of times, even though we don't share much of our private lives or talk a whole lot, there's just this understanding and caring which i could never claim you didn't have. i'm sure i've thanked you alot over well, all the "DRAMA" and that word deserves capital letters. and anyone fron umbc would probably agree with me. even with all your other stuff, you checked up on me, thanks.
and as everyone could have guessed,
matt,
we've been through a lot of shit, you and i. let's just say, you take up an interesting segment of my emotional development and control. i met you at a time when i wasn't a real person. i fooled myself into thinking we were friends and more than than, cause i was looking for a crutch. and after justin, well you provided that. we were a mistake, but i don't have regrets. cause well, i learned alot from you. probably more than from anyone else or college for that matter, i learned how weak i could feel and how strong i wanted to become and could become. i know your opinion of me will never change. but i am not as rigid as yourself, i am flexible and recognize and ask for change. for once in my life i am happy with myself, and i feel normal. i am telling you this because this is what i am. and if you disagree, i don't care. because i will know myself better than you do. this is my life and my mind and my emotions. i can only hope that you are and will be content with your own. and well, that's the only message i wish i send you through here. this was the only way you knoew what was going on in my head. i know how you were a compulsive reader of it. and well, if you got something out of it. your welcome for it.
to everyone here and who i know and will meet in the future,
I raise my glass of a mildly intoxicating beverage
and grant you spaces like this
where to understand and help yourself through the day.
i will always listen to you and i thank you for listening
and well reading what i kept here for so long
to change and love and the changes in love.......
if you wanna know my head now,
let's go get some coffee or ice cream and have a chat.