Dogs: Man’s Best Friend, or Super-Intelligent Watchers?
For about five years now dogs have been owned as pets by people (yes, I realize dogs are people too). Well, that’s what the dogs would have you think. You see, dogs really are super-smart and are watching us do very stupid things and then they secretly laugh at us.
Why do they do this? The answer to that is simple: they enjoy it. I mean, wouldn’t you spend YOUR entire life pretending to be rock-dumb just to get a good laugh every once in a while? I sure would.
Now you might think that a life of being a pet and having to sleep on the ground and being fed kibble and being kicked occasionally (oh come on, we all do it) would be a bad thing. Well, maybe so, but no expense is too great for a good laugh. I’m tellin’ ya, dogs really like funny things! Especially when the funny thing doesn’t know it’s funny.
The same goes for goldfish. I mean, would you spend your entire life just sitting in a tiny little bowl, with the same stupid plastic plant, being fed flakes of unrecognizable crapolla day after day? Of course not! Well, not unless there was something in it for you, that is. And that’s just what the situation is: fish are incredibly amused by the antics of stupid people. I know that if I was a fish and stupid people weren’t entertaining me, I would just pack up my little fishy suitcase and head for Chicago. And that has already started to happen, don’t you think? I mean, just look at how overwhelmed by goldfish the streets of Chicago are. You can’t turn around without a stupid little goldfish trying to bum a quarter.
Now, what are we going to do about these pesky, troublesome critters? I know most of you will probably say, “drown them!” or “drown them?” or “(drown them)”. But that is not what I intend to do. I say we drown them, and drown them good. That’ll teach them to laugh at us! We’ll show them who is smart! That’s right! DROWN ALL THE PUPPIES AND FISHIES! Thank you.
