Never Would Have Thought
Disclaimer: Just borrowing Roswell.
Distribution: Ask and I'll say yes.
Spoilers: Highly unlikely.
Summary: Tess can't believe that it's happened.
Author's Note: I've never written anything like this. I am pretty much a Ground Zero and Candy writer but... well I've decided to try and branch out. Please tell me what you think!!
I thought I was in love with Max. When you grow up being told something... sometimes you grow to believe it when no-ones ever told you different. In fact I was sure I was, but I've been wrong before haven't I? I don't know how it happened and sometimes I wish maybe if I'd never learned the truth my life would be easier. Sometimes... because I don't know how much longer I can last keeping this secret, because it's something I hate to even admit to myself. I've fallen in love. I've fallen head over heals hopelessly in love with Michael Guerin... again.
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Nasedo always told me I was meant to be with Max. He never really told me why, he just said that's the way it's supposed to be.
Sometimes I resented him for being so heartless. It infuriates me that he was the only father I'd ever known, and even though I tried my hardest I still thought of his as part of my family. I'd never admit that to anyone but myself though. I don't like to think about it much, but sometimes when I walk down the street and see a girl with her father, just for a second I miss him.
He was all I had, so I believed him when he told me I was supposed to be with Max. Then one day he told me. We were going to Roswell.
When I saw Max, he was everything I had pictured. I knew we would be together. But I was wrong. I should have known. I never get what I want.
He didn't remember anything. It would've broken my heart if I'd been in love but when I really think about it I think about it I think I loved the idea of being in love with Max. Having someone care about me, having someone care about me like that. Something I'd always dreamed of.
It was in the desert the first time I ever got that inkling of something. Max had actually thought I was Nasedo, and then Michael had shown up, gripping my shoulders, demanding to know what I'd done to Max. It was then that I knew there was something about him. All that fire and passion. A funny feeling began building in my stomach, I didn't what what it was but I choose to ignore it.
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I worked with Michael on his powers this summer. I don't know what was blocking him but I was determined to overcome it. Together. That funny feeling remained in my stomach every time I was around him. I learned to live with it and in time it was a normal for me and I thought nothing of it. I never had reason to investigate it, so I didn't.
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I wasn't lying when I told Max that I could remember things. I would remember how he'd loved me, how he'd spoken soft words to me, caressed me... He doesn't remember everything, and sometimes I think that I remember too much.
I'd always had trouble getting to sleep. I guess it was the fact that alien hunters, human or not might break in the door at any minute and drag me screaming and kicking into the darkness.
So I used to think of Max... or I guess it would be Zan because I know now, that even if they are made from the same genes, they are entirely different people.
I'd think of all the memories. All the happy times we had. But in time even that betrayed me. I was thinking of Max, trying to summon more visions out of my subconscious about him when it happened. I was in. My memories, they were like dreams... and I was always there... reliving the moment. It was one of my only ways to get away... They gave me a sense of comfort.
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I was Ava now and I'd been married to Zan for a little over a month now and deliriously happy ever since. I was swept into it and had yet to come down. Tonight I was to meet his sister and her betrothed for the first time.
It was then I saw him. Chiseled jaw... chiseled everything from where I was sitting. Full lips, eyes that seemed to be you mocking you, and an arrogant air about him. I don't know why or how. The way he talked to me made me go weak at the knees. It was then I believed at love at first sight. He was a god. And then it all went down from there... I spiraled into the Abyss of Rath and I back then... I didn't want to get out.
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I kept having visions like this very every night when I tried to think of Max but now they were all filled with the face of a tall brooding alien, and my love and longing for him. Eventually I couldn't fight the feeling anymore... couldn't fight the visions, and I gave in letting them consume my every sleeping moment and sometimes even my waking.
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In my visions I also began noticing something else. Vilandra didn't love Rath like I did. I could tell by the way she had that faraway look in her eyes every time she was with him. The way she talked to him, the way she touched him... she was in love with someone else. So while her body remained with Rath. Her heart and soul belonged to another. It doesn't really matter though, I think that's all Rath wanted anyways. He loved her beauty. He loved that everyone wanted her and he had her. They were not happy in love couple they pretended to be.
If I'd known what would have happened, I would have told someone... anyone. Maybe I could have warned everyone of Vilandra's upcoming betrayal but back then I was selfish and so I didn't.
I guess I liked to believe that if Vilandra didn't love Rath, and he didn't love Vilandra, than maybe there was a chance that he could love me.
It's horrible what she did. Even if she didn't love him... I can't believe she betrayed us. I thought we had started to become friends. Sure.... I was in love with her fiancé, but she wasn't in love with him.... so no harm no foul right? Hey... I look at it this way... someone had had to love him... I figured why not me?
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I don't know what I'm going to do. It's so hard. Maria doesn't know how good she's got it. She doesn't see the looks that he gives her, the way he watches her, stares at her when she's not looking... I do. And I understand... he looks at her, the way I look at him. He would never admit it though, and neither would I.
I mean.... the girls practically got her name sewn into his boxers, whether Michael realizes it or not. Michael has intimacy issues... we've all realized that. It's about time he did.
The only good things that's produced from being on this dreadful planet is that I've gotten the chance to feel this feeling again. And maybe this time will be different. Maybe I'll be the one to do the betraying and take Isabel's destined. Maybe I'll finally get the guy. Maybe.
Sometimes it scares me that I've lost myself in my infatuation and love for Michael and sometimes it's all that keeps me in Roswell, in this deadbeat town.
So you know my secret now. I'm in love with Michael Guerin and I'm beginning to think that maybe that's not such a bad thing after all....
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