December 19, 2005
i begin to think that you're not such a fraud, after all
Hello, all. Today I slipped outside to have a meaningful, silent conversation with an abnormally bright star (I hadn't even known you could see stars through this lovely smog) in the twilight. As I watched the sky rotate clockwise from my humble seat on the diving board, I divulged all my secrets and wishes to Mr. Star, and his reflection in the pool winked at me in response. I also admitted to myself some pleasantly silly truths. But what's true now is not necessarily true later.
Yes, I am weird. It is my hope that some day I will find someone as weird and as crazy as I am, and we'll fall in love and get married and live happily ever after. Is that too much to ask? ^-^
It's quite early, but I've thought up some New Year's resolutions in the hope that I won't break them New Year's Day. Truthfully, I don't hold out much hope of most of these being fulfilled in the next year. I am not even sure why exactly I create a list each year. The prospects are quite depressing. Anyhoo~
- Become a better person holistically
- Manage my time
- Straight A's (now that GPA doesn't matter, sure--but that's the way I seem to do everything: applying myself only when I feel like I don't have to)
- Scholarships
- Volunteer more
- Devote more (guiltless) time for hobbies and sleep
- Get a job and save money for things like Korea
- Be more considerate of others
- Become better at the piano and start being serious about the violin
- Learn Korean
- Learn other things, come to think of it. Study hard for the APs and take a cake-decorating course! Learn French and Japanese! Learn to play the harp! We should never stop learning--we should strive to know everything with the knowledge that we could never hope to.
- Start helping more around the house.
- Family Christmas presents next year! XD
- Become worthy of someone like him.
Allow me some boasting. I am lucky enough to have 1000000000000 best friends! ^-^ And I love them all dearly. I wish you & your families happy and safe Christmases (Psst, uh, the Fan Four should meet, yes?). Or Kwanzaa. Or Hanukkah. Or even Labor Day, but I gotta tell ya, you're quite early. ^-^
You're pretty crazy, yourself.
Keestal
December 17, 2005
i'm going to give to the world the love that i can't give to you
Today's goal is to organize this computer. I should be ashamed of how disorganized I am; it drives me mad. ^-^ After organizing this computer I have to organize the miscellany I still have on Aimee's crapbox, burning them on CD-RWs to be transferred to this computer. I also should help clean for company tomorrow. And then I will be hiding out in this here room because company scares me.
My ultimate goals are to finish everything I deem necessary by Christmas Eve, when relatives arrive. Then craziness will ensue for about a week, what with Christmas and Wednesday (18? WHAT?) and New Year's Eve. Then, sadly, the relatives leave early New Year's morning and school revamps on January 3rd. I haven't even gotten used to the idea of winter break and already it feels over, LOL.
I miss him.
Keestal
December 15, 2005
you have to broach the subject because i'm too cowardly to
i lied.
i think you know i lied.
i think you lied, too.I want to invest my time and effort for you. I want to be able to do something for you that comes from me, from my emotions, from my hands. I want to leave an imprint in your memory that will last long after we pass each other on our different walks only to become strangers again. But at the same time it pains me to know that it will engender no more than a fleeting sense of polite gratitude from you. This is why I don't. This is why I lose.
Happy Birthday to Yire, my fellow December baby! December babies must rule the world.
It feels like fall semester ended yesterday, and all for a very simple, complicated reason. If I'm melancholy about it now, I wonder how I'll handle graduation. But excitement, ho! (Gung ho, ho? Ho, ho, ho? Just a bit of Christmas wordplay thrown atcha ;-) I'll have time to catch up on the school year, bang away on the old ivories all day, practice violin, knit, read, get better at Korean, and do all the little unproductive things that I do. It's been ages since I last lazed around in the backyard staring at nothing, thinking about everything, and coming to no conclusions.
I would have liked to make scarves as Christmas gifts to some of the special people in my life, but alas, it doesn't seem like I could make scarves worth wearing. Except by me. No matter. I'll try anyway and if they turn out less than perfect, I'll just have a lot of new scarves this winter! ^-^
Keestal
December 14, 2005
non-denominational gray
T H A N K Y O U ?
So I rather hope it wasn't for me, because if it was I'm at a total loss and I'm averse to being at a total loss. That is why I'm settling with "Oops. Not mine."
A VERY BIG, VERY SINCERE (belated) HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my beloved Rebecca, with whom I could not be on her special day yesterday, not even online, as I had been rather comatose following one of those fun all-nighters. I just adore it when people are so sleepy-eyed and exhausted after having gotten "JUST three hours of sleep last night." Thank you. -__-
I also just adore how I tend to digress. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BECCY! I LOVE YOU! To health, happiness, and boys, eh?
I <3 a busy schedule.
Sunday: Tea at Francoise's with the knitting circle
Monday: Bio study session with the kids ^-^
Tuesday: Major gift-wrappage! All-nighter recuperation
Wednesday: Major gift-wrappage! Seriously this time ^-^
Thursday: Violin; Christmas/Birthday shindig at Yire's with Lisa (I love how all three of us are December babies! That rocks. And I share the same birthday as Francoise--another December baby. And Becca, too =)
Friday: Rebecca's birthday excursion; Model-magic party with Brittany & Cynthie; Knitting; Jennifer's Secret Santa party
Saturday: Rebecca's Christmas play
I would look forward to Christmas and my birthday, except I realized that they're just like any other day. ;_ ; When has the spirit of Christmas died within me? Rekindle my flame? ^-^ When (if) I start a family of my own, my kids will never lose the spirit of Christmas, dangit. Nor birthdays. Anyway, this week is so lovely. I can be happy with this much Christmas.
A semester has gone! That actually saddens me quite a bit. Two more days, and then winter break between me and warm fuzzy happiness. But absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? Here's to hoping for things that will never come true. Happy holidays, everyone! I love you all.
Keestal
December 12, 2005
i laugh because i'm afraid i'll cry if i don't
There are things I wish I could tell you, just so you wouldn't have the satisfaction of thinking you were the only one who experienced those things. You only liked the antipasto. You didn't consider ordering the entire entr�e. But you're still not aware just how good I've gotten at being the person you're familiar with.
But I guess what I'm trying to reconcile with myself and with the "you" in my mind is that I'm okay now. Sometimes I relapse. But I always come back.
OMG! So...I must needs explain what happened Sunday. Brittany and I were driving to Francoise's house because she was hosting a tea party. But alas, we navigated according to Mapquest (NEVER do that again). Naturally, being the retarded losers that we are, we got lost. After a considerable time on Kuykendahl, we realized we had to turn around, just as we passed the last through street for about a mile or two. So there we were, traversing a long, lonely bridge, vaguely wondering whether we'd ever see home again, and all of a sudden we see a sign that reads, "Welcome to the Woodlands."
.....
!!!
So, por fin, we find a place where we can do a U-ie and make our way back down Kuykendahl, where a lunatic driver of a white SUV, apparently with a death wish, violates our right-of-way and veers right in front of us.
Moral of the story: "Well, black is kind of like white!"
Keestal
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