I know these things are wrong with porn:

• Certain directors and producers don't seem to understand that no matter how fancy the plots, locations, sets, make-up, and costumes... IT'S STILL PORN!!!   Stop pretending you're making "art," people!
   

• And the "directors" in Gonzo porn don't seem to be aware that they are not what we pay to see.  Or hear.  Especially hear.  Fifteen minute "pick-up" scenes followed by five to fifteen minutes of interviews are NOT entertaining. You yammering non-stop at the "performers" like some Howard Stern-wannabes is NEVER EVER  entertaining.
   

• Not to mention that certain directors of "Afro-centric" porn don't seem to realize that spit-laden blow jobs, anal penetration, and facial shots IN EVERY SCENE lost it's novelty... Pretty much at day 1.
   

• Jenna Jameson: Don't get it.  Never will.
   

• "Bacon Strip" pubic hair is NOT sexy or cute.  It looks like they started shaving and forgot to finish. Either just trim it or shave it off, por favor.
   

• Saliva is not sexy.

• Semen is not sexy.

• Urine is not sexy

• In fact - let's just say bodily fluids in general are not Not NOT sexy.
   

• Multiple piercings are not sexy.   Outside of ears and belly buttons, piercings look ridiculous.  Nose piercings look like shiny boogers, eyebrow piercings look like someone's trying to play "pirate," and everything else looks like some sort of punishment.
   

• Tattoos (single or added up) that cover more an area bigger than your hand are not sexy.  They look ridiculous.  On ANYONE!
   

• For reasons I have yet to understand, the Japanese are incapable of producing decent live-action porn.
   

• As with most other types of entertainment, true enjoyment requires a certain amount of suspension of disbelief.  Certain things can let the air out of that suspension.  Such things as:
   

  The "actresses" constantly staring at the camera.  It makes them look like they're having sex with all the passion of the Amish. The aforementioned "audible directions." Both distracting and annoying. Sloppy editing.  Things like seeing the camera in reflections and visible camera flashes kill the illusion. Getting the little details wrong.  Things like someone who's supposed to be a tennis player wearing a full cheerleader outfit, or said "legit" cheerleader or tennis player wearing a thong, or women from the 40s sporting implants and lingerie straight out of Fredrick's of Hollywood.

 
So some of you may be wonder - after all this - whether I even like porn or not.  I assure you I do.  In fact...

I know these things are right with porn:

• Lesbians.  It takes some effort to make girl-on-girl sex unappealing.
   

• Lingerie - A mere bra and panties set does NOT count as lingerie, IMHO
   

• Uniforms (Cheerleader, Nurse, Schoolgirl, Secretary, etc...)
   

• Especially schoolgirls!
   

• Actress who can actually - y'know - act.
   

• Natural breasts - Christy Canyon was the very model of "Stacked"
   

• The Missionary position - vastly underrated in its visual appeal, IMHO.
   

• Asians - when shot by anyone other than other Asians.
  
  

And that's all I got to say about that.