This was originally only going to include the "Digi-Dilemas
and Poke-Problems" article. (Readers of Something Awful might recognize it
from the web page that brought us the
"Forgiveness"
RPG.) But then along came this wonderfully Out-of-Left-Field piece of lunacy
copied from what I assumed was a chat session that made its way onto
alt.fan.harry-potter. "Harry Potter as Christian Allegory?" Mmm... Smell the
bot fodder!
Things get a little more nitpicky and mocking than I usually like to be
towards the end, but I still think it's worth the time to read.
Hopefully, you will too.
And on with the disclaimers:
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and all related characters are the property of
Best Brains, Inc. "Digi-Dilemas and Poke-Problems!" is
property of Breakthrough Gaming Inc. "Is Harry Potter Demonic?" is property
of... I have absolutely no clue.
And as always, comments/C&C/flames/death threats can be directed to
[email protected]
WARNING: This MSTing contains riffs referring to, inspired by, and/or ripped
off from "Jeopardy!","Wayne's World", Spike Jones ,"The Eye of Argon", "Duck
Soup", and "The Fantastic Four."
Season 3 theme song. Sing along! You know the words!
[ We open with Joel and Tom Servo (wearing his
bookkeeper's visor) at the Satellite of Love's desk, sifting through stacks
of papers. Document storage boxes can be seen in the background ]
TOM: Okay, I don't remember this one here at all...
JOEL: [Glances over] Oh, that was when your head exploded when Goku started
giving Fat Buu a rimjob.
TOM: Oy... Thank Heaven for small favors!
[Enter Crow to the foreground]
CROW: Howdy, folks! Crow T. Robot here! Behind me are Joel Robinson and Tom
Servo <whispering> Joel's the big one! <normally> And what we've got here is a
bit of a problem. Seems that the FCC somehow got us on their "Obscene and
must be stopped" list. They've threatened us with fines, censorship, jail
time... I think pink bellies were in there somewhere...
TOM: Well I don't see why *I'm* the one who has to help Joel with this. I
mean they cited something called the "Crow Syndrome" like a thousand times
in their notices!
CROW: Because you're the one with the attention span, remember?
JOEL: Okay, I think I got this "Crow Syndrome" thing figured out. Apparently
whenever Crow says something off-color and we jump on him for it, that's an
incidence of "The Crow Syndrome."
TOM: So, wait... You're saying that the FCC isn't cracking down on this
textual excrement we've been forced to read, nor are they jumping on the
nastier things we've ALL said in response, but _some_ of the stuff Crow's
said... And THEN only when it's highlighted by us chastising him for it?
JOEL: That's about the size of it, yes.
TOM: So we can safely say that this is all Crow's fault!
CROW: HEY!
JOEL: We'll sort this whole thing out in a second... We'll be right back.
<Hits Commercial Sign button>
COMMERCIALS: FedEx Ground: Use it or you're DOOMED! (DOOMED!)
Drakkengard: Death from above, chaos below, sweet cream filling in the
middle.
{We come back to a close up of Tom}
TOM: Hi, folks! Turns out, the guys over at the FCC were actually quite
reasonable. Once we enlightened them to the fact that they really didn't
have any authority over us, seeing as how we don't control what goes out
from here at all and what does go out is on cable and the internet; they
agreed to back off as long as we did one simple thing...
Pan right to Crow, who's strapped into a large leather muzzle.
CROW: [translated from "Muffled"] I'm calling Amnesty International!
JOEL: Mumble at us later, Crow. John Ashcroft and Michael Powell are
calling.
[Switch over to Deep 13; Standard shot of Dr. Forrester and TVs Frank]
DR.F: Frankly I don't get what the big deal is about "wardrobe
malfunctions". I've been standing next to a big boob for years with nary a
peep
FRANK: HEY!
DR.F: Anyway, Joel, let's hop right into today's Invention Exchange. Ours
takes inspiration from the weary motel traveler. Specifically how to make a
hard trip that much harder! Lead it off, Frank!
FRANK: First; we have that old cheap motel standby: The vibrating mattress.
[Pan behind Frank to reveal an ordinary Full-sized bed] Our twist - you have
to pay to make it stop! About twenty bucks will get you through the night.
DR.F: No refunds, of course.
FRANK: And then we have this innocent looking phone. [reaches off screen and
pulls out a standard motel model phone] What our weary traveler doesn't know
that the keys have been connected to a random number generator that gives
his call about a 16 million-in-1 chance of actually connecting to the number
he punched in!
DR.F: And just for giggles, every tenth call is long distance.
_International_ long distance! And here's my personal favorite! [Pulls out a
Cable Box with a credit card slider and a bill-accepter attached] Five bucks
gives you standard cable for the night. And if you want, say, more "adult"
fare... [Taps the credit card slider] $5.00 for the first three minutes,
$.50 each additional minute!
FRANK: Rounded up to the nearest minute, of course! Neat, huh?
[SOL]
CROW: Actually, that per minute thing isn't that bad an idea. Why pay for an
hour and a half of movie if you're only going to *AHEM* use five or ten
minutes?
TOM: First of all - Ew! Second, how'd you get that muzzle off?
CROW: Expedited appeal. I know people who know people.
JOEL: Well, sirs; our invention started out as a collectable card game like
Magic: The Gathering or Yu-Gi-Oh. But once we started putting it together we
thought it would be more fun and educational as a full RPG.
TOM: Gentlemen - we give you: CONGRESS: THE GATHERING!
CROW: And for the record: Joel thought it would be more educational as an
RPG. Me and Tom thought there'd be more opportunities for good old fashioned
backstabbing!
JOEL: You can choose from six different alignment types: Democrat,
Republican, and Independent and Conservative, Liberal, and Centrist.
TOM: And then you cut a swath through the realm of "DeeCee" as any one of
50 classes from the lowliest Intern to the most powerful Justice.
CROW: Or enter the wild world of state government with our California,
Texas, or Florida expansion packs!
JOEL: What do you think?
[D13]
DR.F: Hmm... 47 more potential expansion packs...
FRANK: Don't forget Puerto Rico!
DR.F: Yes! Yes! And maybe NATO! The U.N.! I'm smelling goldmine! I'm glad I
though of this!
[SOL]
ALL: HEY!
[D13]
DR.F: Oh, button it, Lab Rats! And get ready for the experiment. Show 'em
the itinerary, Frank!
FRANK: Our first stop is in the land of Satan Is Everywhere, where we'll
visit "Digi-Dilemas and Poke-Problems!" And we'll wrap up our trip with a
visit to the opposite end of the spectrum and "Is Harry Potter Demonic?"
<whispering> The answer's "no."
DR.F: Have a nice trip! And don't drink the water!
[SOL]
ALL: WE GOT KOOK SIGN!!
[All scurry off]
[ 1 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 6 ]...[ * ]
[Joel and The Bots take their seats]
Digi-Dilemas and Poke-Problems! Article
JOEL: Sounds more like an episode of "South Park."
Satan, Psychics, Devils, and Demons.
TOM: "The True Story of the XFL."
CROW: BA DUM BUM TSHHH!
Ten years ago, most would never expect these kinds of things on weekday and
weekend television, but it is.
JOEL: You just described Friday's on "Disney
Afternoon..."
Welcome to the World of Pokemon and the Digimon World.
TOM: Subsidiaries of World Inc. International.
These two "crazes" are the biggest things to come around since Ninja
Turtles.
CROW: If you ignore Magic: The Gathering.
Many gamers are into these cartoons. What are the details about these animes?
Read on!
ALL: MAKE US!
First, lets look at Digimon.
TOM: Ah-heh! Can I look at Angewomon? R-r-r-rowl!!!
Digimon (short for Digital Monsters), started as a key chain collection,
JOEL: If by "key chain" you mean, "shameless ripoff of
Tamagochi" then sure!
but grew into anime toons and
CROW: "Anime toons?" Redundant, much?
TOM: That's probably going REALLY get on our nerves after a while.
other trinkets. The television show is about kids called on to be the "digidestined".
They have adventures,
JOEL: And, if certain fanfics are to be believed,
orgies.
with their Digimon companions,
CROW: Them, too.
TOM: Eww...
trying to keep the world safe from "evil" Digimon. The Digimon can, also, "digivolve"
into bigger monsters and have even more power than before.
TOM: Quick FYI: The more useless a Digimon's Rookie form, the more badass
its Champion form will be...
CROW: <SNORT!> Fanbot...
As I watched the show, it was very entertaining and it sort of appealed to
me.
JOEL: [Author] It made me feel all funny!
Each of the characters had a different personallity that could fit each
viewer.
TOM: All seven of them, apparently...
In the first part of the series, (season one), the first thing that made me
have bad thoughts about Digimon was the appearance of
CROW: [Author] Kari. That little girl gave me the creeps!
an "evil" Digimon called
JOEL: "Englishdubmon!"
"Devimon".
JOEL: Oh.
This made me think "hey, that sounds a lot like the word devil, just without
the 'l'."
TOM: I'll take "Well, DUH!" for $600, Alex!
It made me feel bad and mad until
CROW: [Author] I refilled my prescription!
one of the digidestined's Digimon, "Angemon" destroyed this evil Digimon.
"Hey, that's nice," I thought, "Angel defeated the Devil, thats a pretty
good message."
TOM: [Author] Heaven rules! Wooo!
I thought that was the end of the demons/devils in the show, but, man, was I
wrong.
JOEL: [Author] And stupid, ugly, and a bad kisser. But
I digress...
Later in the first season, the digidestined had to now fight another evil
Digimon, "Myotismon".
ALL: Dun dun DUUUUN!
Myotismon wasn't THAT offensive
JOEL: For pure evil...
(but it could've been better), but his cohorts "Demidevimon" and "Wizardmon"
were. Wizardmon even became friends with the digidestined!
TOM: What?!? That bastard!
Check out Deuteronomy 18:10-13 in the Bible,
CROW: As opposed to Deuteronomy 18:10-13 in The Necronomicon?
"Let no one be found among you...who practices divination or sorcery...casts
spells...or who consults the dead." The show is giving the message that
wizards are your friends, NOT!
JOEL: Garth Agar, NO!
TOM: Does that mean we have to renounce Mr. Wizard?
CROW: So Digimon that look like wizards are verboten, but fire-breathing
T-Rexes, giant electric bugs, and bat-winged Ham-Hams are okay? Check!
All three of these Digimon ended up being destroyed in the show. Again, I
thought the demons were gone, so I continued to watch.
CROW: Masochistic little evangelist, aren't you?
As the second season started, It wasn't as bad as the first. New
digidestined and Digimon were introduced and it had a pretty good story to
start with. Then it happened again.
TOM: [Author] The voices... They returned... QUIT TORMENTING MEEEEE!!!
There was talk about the mythical gods who were in Japan and then the new
character "Ken"
JOEL: Of the Osaka "Kens."
talked about the new evil Digimon using "dark/black magic". All magic is
bad!
CROW: [Dana Carvey as George Bush] It's bad! It's bad!
Check out Revelation 22:14-15 in the Bible.
TOM: Okay, then... Firing up the ol' database...<Vibrates in place> *AHEM*
" Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may
have
right to the tree of life, and may enter in through the gates
into the city.
For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and
murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a
lie."
JOEL: I'm starting to think that magic is bad...
The show kept getting worst.
CROW: Uh... Anybody got anything for that one?
TOM: Nope.
JOEL: Sorry.
CROW: <sigh> What a waste...
In the late episodes, all the devil and demon Digimon wreaked havoc in
Japan. One of them was even called "Skullsatamon" (notice the suttle
word "satan" in this Digimon's name?).
TOM: "Subtle," even.
CROW: That's subtle? What does this guy think would be "blatant?"
JOEL: "WePraiseYouLordSatanmon?"
All the digidestined ended up stopping them, but one, Cody, was crying. When
asked what was wrong, he replied "I didn't want to kill an innocent Digimon!"
This is sort of wierd and it gives the message that demons and devils are
innocent. WRONG!
JOEL: You are WRONG, Digibreath!
TOM: ...Because he was talking about the dark spore-possessed
Digimon, NOT DeviDemiMooreMon.
Read Proverbs 3:5-6 in the Bible, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and
lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he
will make your paths straight."
CROW: And this connects to being sad for taking out otherwise innocent
sentient beings how?
TOM: They were touched by magic. Therefore evil. Duh!
I knew I would stop watching the show after I heard that, but I did see the
last episode for the 2nd season. All the kids grow up and their
Digimon stay on Earth and help the people on it.
JOEL: [Author] Happy endings are The Devil's work!
One of the last things they say is that the "darkness will never go away".
This is wrong because when Jesus returns there will be no darkness anymore!
CROW: Not even at midnight?
JOEL: Cross "Star-gazing" off the list of things to do
after the Second Coming, I guess...
"There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the
light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign
for ever and ever." (Revelation 22:5)
TOM: "You are reading way too much into this." (Servo 1:1)
Now, Pokemon (short for pocket monsters) is a show about a boy named Ash.
CROW: A boy with talent and courage to spare... And the common sense of a
two-by-four.
He wants to travel around the world (World of Pokemon) to complete his final
goal, to be a Pokemon Master. To complete this task, Ash has to use the
first Pokemon he got (Pikachu) to capture other Pokemon in devices called "Pokeballs".
He must train them to fight and then he can fight other trainers that are
around to test his Pokemon.
JOEL: "Things Anybody With a Pre-Pubescent Kid Will
Know Already," for $1000, Alex!
CROW: So... Getting to the "Why it's evil" part anytime soon?
The big thing to do is challenge local gym leaders in each town to earn a
badge. As the show progresses, Ash cataches new Pokemon, meets new friends,
learns about new Pokemon,
TOM: Tries to survive his own stupidity...
CROW: Ash-flavored Haterade - try some today!
and has to avoid Team Rocket, who always tries to steal Pikachu away. In
each season, Ash competes in a different "league" with new adventures and
friends. Most would label Pokemon as a "kid show",
JOEL: Because it is?
CROW: Let's not jump to conclusions...
but there are some things that can mess up a child's mind.
CROW: I know. That's half the fun!
TOM: He's gonna go off on the Psychic and Ghost types. I just know it!
Pokemon features many harsh battles. Most teenagers and adults can look at
the violence in Pokemon and not be affected, but children will more than
likely emulate the violence of Pokemon in real life.
JOEL: They're gonna throw fireballs and lightning
bolts at each other?
CROW: Cool!
The little children are just growing up and they don't know any better;
young children are like sponges, they suck up anything in their path.
TOM: Um... Dude, that's a "vacuum," not a "sponge."
CROW: [Stadium Vendor] Mixed metaphors! Getcher hot mixed metaphors,here!
Anyway, in the show, each Pokemon has a different class or type. Psychic,
Ghost, and Dark type Pokemon are the real questionable part of the show.
TOM: What did I tell you?
JOEL: Wasn't a hard thing to guess, Tom.
Each of these type Pokemon do evil things like do curses, make nightmares,
hypnotise, and even shoot psychic beams at other Pokemon. A few people Ash
and his friends encountered, were psychics!
CROW: [Author] PSYCHICS, I TELL YOU!
Read Leviticus 19:27 in the Bible, "A man or woman who is a medium or
spiritist among you must be put to death. You are to stone them; their blood
will be on their own heads."
TOM: Of course, the New Testament tells you _not_ to do that stuff, but
don't let that stop your ranting...
Another point is Team Rocket.
JOEL: What? Meowth is Satan's mouthpiece?
CROW: That would explain a bit, actually...
Whenever they introduce themselves, most of the time their clothes are
switched (ie. James wears a dress and Jessie wears a men-style suit).
CROW: It's called "disguising yourself," Jesus Freak. They tended to do
that.
TOM: Umm... Didn't James only do the cross-dressing thing three or four
times? And always for comic relief?
JOEL: And once again, we care more about accuracy than
the writer does. Sad, really.
Check out 1 Corinthians 6:13 in the Bible,
TOM: Why? You're just going to quote it for us.
"....The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the
Lord for the body."
CROW: Hate to burst your moral bubble, bubby, but for the majority,
cross-dressing has nothing to do with sexuality and everything to do with
being comfortable.
TOM: Two minute minor for theft of shtick, Crow!
Also, movies based on Pokemon had weird themes, too.
JOEL: Like "Pokemon: That Big Assed Pokemon We Stand A
Snowball's Chance Of Catching."
"Pokemon: the First Movie" was about the two "most powerful Pokemon", Mew
and Mewtwo. Mewtwo, was created from some DNA of Mew, and then Mewtwo tried
to get revenge by taking control and cloning Pokemon. The movie was cool
looking, but of course, Mew and Mewtwo were psychic Pokemon.
TOM: So being a cloned ball of purplish-grey hatred is okay, just as long
as no psychic powers are involved? Good to know!
"Pokemon: the Movie 2000" was the next movie, which was about this one guy
trying to catch all the "legendary bird" Pokemon. It was said that if
someone did this task, Lugia, a psychic water Pokemon, would appear.
TOM: Er... If someone awoke the first three, Lugia would appear to set
things right. Try and keep up.
CROW: Awfully nitpicky today, Tommy.
TOM: Well if he's gonna whine about how evil and un-Christian everything
is, he should at least get the details right, by cracky!
In Japan, the movie was called "Revelation: Lugia" and each of the legendary
birds were known as "Gods", which is totally messed up!
JOEL: [Stoner voice] Like, totally, dude!
Remember, "You shall have no other gods before me." (Exodus 19:3)
TOM: "Do not worship giant Pokemon!" Got it!
And finally, the newest movie, "Pokemon 3", has one of the feature titled
"Spell of the Unown". That one just explains itself.
CROW: <Snicker!> No it doesn't!
Now here is the kicker, what do you do?
TOM: Have a nice tall glass of "Calm the F*ck Down?"
First off, lets put away the hype, the cool animations, and
our own personal thoughts and look at what we have.
JOEL: "The Smurfs."
BOTS: D'OH!
One show is about kids with Digimon that fight evil Digimon. Some of the
evil Digimon have names like Devimon, Ladydevimon, Skullsatamon, and even
Daemon.
TOM: But they're BAD GUYS! Why should that even MATTER?!?
JOEL: Because he says so. Duh!
Wizardmon even become a friend of the heros! In the other show, we have a
boy wanting to become a Pokemon Master. Nice enough goal,
CROW: Going after semi-sentient, feeling creatures, fighting them until
they're too week to escape, then sealing them up in plastic balls until it's
time to use them... All fine Christian pursuits to be sure!
but what is he doing to get there?
CROW: See above...
Interacting with psychics and their Pokemon, playing around with ghosts, and
even interacting with devilishing looking
dog-type Pokemon (I'm refering to "Houndour" and "Houndoom")
TOM: All evil! We get it! Move on, please!
Some might be attracted to these because of the animation. I do like anime
style cartoons,
JOEL: "Anime","Japanese animation", just plain
"cartoons!" Pick one and stick with it!
but I need to find one with better messages.
CROW: [Author] Like that "InuYasha" I've heard so much about!
I might even make one up myself someday.
TOM: Oh, may we live to see that day!
The point now is to be careful what we put in our minds.
JOEL: For instance, putting railroad spikes in your
head would be bad!
I know most would never try to be psychic, hangout with demons and want to
be evil, so why look at it?
CROW: At this point, just to spite you.
I had a bad feeling in my stomach with Digimon when the "deamon corps"
appeared. It made me even sicker to hear a character on a TV show cry
over killing a demon.
TOM: [Author] I felt worse than that time I clubbed those baby seals!
I cringed when I saw a picture of Houndoom the first time; my first reaction
was "what the heck is that?". And I prayed that the 3rd Pokemon movie
wouldn't be called "Lord of the Unown Tower" (which is what it was in
Japan).
JOEL: By your "logic," wouldn't that have been
_better_ than "Spell of the Unown?"
TOM: Of course not: "Lord" = Blasphemy!
I don't want to go through all these changes just to be entertained. Some
people don't get effected by seeing stuff like that, and that's great!
CROW: [Author] They'll all burn in Hell for their idolatry, of course!
We need more people like that. But we shouldn't let the TV force us to
comprimise our faith.
JOEL: You _have_ heard of this wonderful new concept
called "changing channels," right?
"Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and
peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart." (2
Timothy 2:22)
TOM: Um... Connection?
CROW: "If it's fun, it must be wrong."
TOM: Ah!
Sources God, for giving me the idea to write this
JOEL: [God] Oh sure! Blame me!
The Bible
ALL: Of course!
"Pokemon: is it just a game?"
ALL: Yes!
VHS tape "Evangelizing Today's Child" Magazine http://www.cefinc.org
Miscellaneous fansites for pictures (some might have come from Nintendo.com,
digimon.com, and like sites)
CROW: Nice to see you give due credit...
[All leave]
[ 6 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 1 ]...[ * ]
[We return to the bridge to see Tom and Crow behind
the desk.]
CROW: Okay, what about "Hamtaro"?
TOM: Please! Anything that cute has to be evil! How about "Astro Boy?"
CROW: Nope... "Man plays God" thing. That and the distressingly little
pants.
TOM: Ew. Good point.
[Enter Joel]
JOEL: What are you up to, guys?
CROW: We were intrigued by the way the "Digi-Dilemmas" guy turned damn near
everything into some sort of assault on Christianity.
TOM: So we started trying to come up with titles that would stand up to
that kind of scrutiny. So far, nothing made in the last twenty years stands
up.
CROW: Basically, "Superbook", "The Flying House", and "Swiss Family
Robinson" were all we could come up with. And the first two were givens.
JOEL: Well.. There has to be more than that... I know - what about "Sailor
Moon?"
TOM: Okay... Should we start with the open homosexuality or the fact that
"The Messiah" is a fourteen year-old girl?
JOEL: Okay... Well, what about Dragonball? Good always triumphs over evil
and stuff?
CROW: One - literally everyone on the show has been resurrected at least
once. Two - There's around a dozen regulars who are literally stronger
than God.
TOM: Are you even trying?
JOEL: Alright, alright! How about... "SD Gundam?"
TOM: Zero uses magic.
JOEL: "Mon Collie Knights?"
CROW: The cards are magical.
JOEL: "Speed Racer!"
TOM: Spritle.
CROW: Chim-Chim.
BOTS: EVIL!
JOEL: "Adventures of Tom Sawyer?"
TOM: He's Bart Simpson in a straw hat.
JOEL: "Flint The Time Detective?"
CROW: Duh! He's a caveman! The whole "evolution" thing?
TOM: Ah, folks? It looks like Joel isn't going to let this drop. We'll be
back when he gets it out of his system...
JOEL: "Hamtaro!"
CROW: We did that one already!
[[ Commercial: Michelob Ultra: For that deep down body
thirst! ]]
[Joel and the bots return to the theater]
JOEL: "Gigantor!"
TOM: Look, if we grant you "Gigantor" will you let it drop, already!?!
50040314 vii om
JOEL: Did we just get somebody's email password?
Is Harry Potter Demonic?
CROW: After reading "Order of the Phoenix," I can't rule out demonic
possession...
"selina" <[email protected]>:
# Hi.
ALL: WAZAAAP!!!
peace be with you, sister.
TOM: S'all good in the hood, yo!
# I'm Selina and I have a question.
JOEL: [Selina] Why do hot dogs come in packs of ten,
but hot dog buns come in packs of eight?
you've come to the right place, then.
CROW: [Host] We know all. And for $.99 a minute, you can too!
TOM: Operators are standing by!
# I heard that Harry Potter story books/movies are demonic.
# Is it true? Any [proof] or evidence?
JOEL: [Host] Would my copy of "Goblet of Fire" trying
to consume my soul count?
malevolent archenemies have been terrestrial or fantastic, but I do not
specifically remember demonic references, no.
CROW: Er... Run that back in English?
TOM: "The short answer is 'Of course not', but that doesn't sound nearly
as mystical and enlightened enough."
CROW: Ah! Got it!
sometimes there are 'foul spirits' which scream and scare from the interior
of a book in the 'Restricted' section (meaning that kids shouldn't be
reading those),
JOEL: I ran across one of those books before: Strom
Thurmond's Erotica.
BOTS: EWW!!
but other than a particularly resourceful alumnus of Hogwarts whose interest
in surviving depends on his vampirism and black magic,
CROW: You mean Voldemort in Book One?
JOEL: Let's not jump to conclusions...
his henchpeople and weapons are Terran. there has been little to no mention
of 'infernal worlds' that I can recall,
TOM: If you don't count Casa Del Dursley, anyway...
but I may be forgetting something and hope that I will be corrected, if so.
my guess is that the cosmology accepted by Wizards (not presented that I've
detected) is not Christian or following any rise and development of a God,
the offspring of a God or gods, or their worship.
CROW: [Host] In fact, it seems to be based on the worship of fresh produce.
I would suggest that these origination notions are left out in order to make
the story more approachable.
JOEL: I would suggest that J.K. Rowling would wonder
what you were smoking if mentioned that to her.
where 'history of magic' is instructed, for example, probably evolution and
biology would be important to understanding of early human magical
activities -- e.g. shamanic, primitive, and neolithic archaeoastrology sites
(like Stonehenge),
TOM: And crop circles, and spontaneous combustion, and Germany's love for
David Hasselhoff...
but (European) recent history is what is usually discussed.
the curriculum may therefore be considered "demonic" if by this you also
imply instructing other than biblical realities and authorities. specific
references are made to traditional occultists (notably Nicolas Flamel, the
alchemist),
TOM: "Traditional occultists?"
CROW: You know... Like "By-The-Book Wiccans..."
JOEL: "Old-Fashioned Pagans..."
and there are pop-occult references interior to this last book's
chapter-names: 'The Lion and the Serpent' (fairly conclusively Crowleyan).
CROW: Hey! I had nothing to do with this!
the latter's works are considered at least de facto Satanist, this mention
being Neognostic, so there are minor symptoms of exposure to that which you
might call 'the demonic' (e.g. sorcery, witchcraft, divination, primarily
wand-based).
TOM: Anybody catch any of that?
JOEL: Nope...
CROW: Lost me after "considered."
of course a in cosmological sense, what derives from demons (what is
properly "demonic") depends on how we think that the cosmos came about and
what part demons had in it.
TOM: When I think demons, I think "tentacle rape." Is that wrong?
JOEL: Very. But we'll discuss that later.
the Christians who believe apocrypha
JOEL: Wasn't that an old X-Men villain?
CROW: Yeah; I think she got killed off by the Legacy Virus...
would say that the whole of the story is demonic in that it partakes of
spells and wands and fantastical monsters and flora which do not in large
exist physically as portrayed
TOM: As well as tooth fairies and Easter bunnies and cooking-making
elves...
CROW: o/~ Oh you never would believe where that Wicca babble comes from! o/~
(the mandragora being a singular example of this, another being the elves
and giants, and another being a basilisk). instruction on the arts of magic
is often associated with the 'Fallen angels'
CROW: Farrah Fawcett?
TOM: David Borenz?
JOEL: Christopher Daniels?
(see Paul Huson's lovely "Mastering the Art of Witchcraft").
TOM: Pass, thanks.
CROW: Didn't our host actually answer the question a long time ago?
JOEL: Don't interrupt - she's enlightening us!
as with a good number of works intended for children, the puns abound and
religious philosophy is absent, though references *are* made to magical
secrets or mysteries,
TOM: Is she talking about Harry Potter or "Xanth?"
JOEL: Yes.
and the whole rather predisposes the valuation of magic (the school is an
educational facility for instruction of it).
TOM: And the whole rather predisposes me to say "What the hell are you
talking about?!?"
as the series develops we may look forward to emancipation showcased as a
virtue (in the removal of the slavery of the elves -- LONG LIVE S.P.E.W.!),
ALL: HAIL FREEDONIA!
and a somewhat conventional showdown between the heroic boy-becoming-man and
the long-lived nemesis of his family and kindred, possibly extending beyond
the local region to other schools and localities.
CROW: So have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitalities.
JOEL: Y'all come back now, y'hear?
it is, therefore, very easy to understand why some churches have *embraced*
the series as instructive for Christians
(see
TOM: ..."How to Turn a Fifteen-Word Answer Into A Three-Page Essay"
"The Real Magic of Harry Potter" by Nancy Gibbs, in Time, June 23, 2003,
coverstory "Why Harry Potter Rules")
CROW: POTTER RULES!
ALL: WOOOOO!!!
wherein it is written about Christians who like Potter:
The Catholic News Service, run by the American bishops,
TOM: Those who weren't under indictment at the time.
JOEL: ZING!
puts the books on its recommended list
for children. Ministers preach sermons likening
Harry's running through the wall of Platform 9 3/4
to a leap of faith.
CROW: [Author] We like to call that "Grasping At Straws."
TOM: It's not exactly a "leap of faith" if someone tells you exactly what
to do and then SHOWS you, is it?
"We're missing something if
we can't tell stories from the Bible as compelling
as *Harry Potter*," says John Fleming, minister of
First United Methodist in Henrietta, Texas.
JOEL: I'm missing something, because I don't
understand why you'd feel the need to try.
Many
have found embedded in the books all kinds of
biblical imagery. "If you read these books care-
fully, they are not only not evil, they are
profound stories about good, and they are deeply
religious,"
TOM: Er... If you say so...
argues Baylor University philosophy
professor Scott Moore, who started by reading the
books to his kids and ended up staying up late to
finish for himself.
The climax of the second book, *Chamber of Secrets*,
he asserts, works as pure Christian allegory.
CROW: [Prof. Moore] If you stand on your head, squint, and run it through
Babelfish on "English to Sanskrit."
"It's
the story of Harry fighting a serpent and overcoming
it with the sword of Gryffindor [his school House].
He is unable to accomplish this by himself and must
call for help, which comes from above, most often in
the form of the word of truth or a double-edged sword.
JOEL: Do the words, "Brave knight slays evil monster"
ring any bells?
TOM: Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, Fawkes the Phoenix, God... I
can see how you'd get them mixed up...
It's not just a snake he has to overcome, but a snake
summoned by {the evil wizard} Voldemort's memory.
Over and over in these medieval mystery morality
plays, it's the memory of our sinfulness that we must
overcome.
CROW: Of course in medieval times, deep breathing was sinful. So you might
want to rethink that comparison.
The phoenix -- a classic symbol of Christ,
JOEL: [Half-laughing] Since when?
TOM: Actually many medieval Christian writings depict the
phoenix - never mind it's origins in B.C. era Greek and Chinese stories.
CROW: So basically, "It's Christ-like because we say so," then?
who dies and rises again -- comes to help him. He
kills the serpent, then in a moment quite shocking --
I'm surprised Hollywood left it in -- the phoenix
weeps in his wound to heal him.
TOM: Meh... I've seen more shocking on "Batman: TAS."
That's a classic
symbol of Christ's passion. It's Christ's tears that
make us whole."
JOEL: I'm feeling like a heretic here; I don't
recognize any of this stuff.
TOM: It's probably in the Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke, John,
or Harry.
CROW: Reed Richards would be proud of all the stretching going on here...
Perhaps the most surprising appropriation of Rowling's
world took place at the conservative Vanguard Church
in suburban Colorado Springs, Colo.
CROW: City motto: Dammit, people - WE'RE NOT COLUMBINE!!!
Housed in an old
movie theater, the six year old church has 1,100 members,
including lots of young families. Using *Harry Potter*
to teach Sunday school was the brainchild of Tosha
Williams, the petite young wife of senior pastor Kelly
Williams.
TOM: [Writer] The petite, dainty, perfect... Absolutely perfect...
Young... <starts giggling>
"That's one thing about Southern Baptists --
we're very pragmatic," she notes,
JOEL: And apparently also VERY bad with maps.
CROW: ["Southern" Baptist] Wadda yew mean this ain't Vicksburg?
"and our goal is to
reach people with the Gospel."
TOM: So the best way to do this is with tales of wizards and magic?
JOEL: Enlightened or just confused? You make the call.
So the teachers dressed
as wizards, and the church was entirely decorated, with
darkened rooms and glow-in-the-dark props and hot dogs
renamed goblin fingers.
CROW: So... It's Halloween, then?
JOEL: I just don't know, Crow... I just don't know...
When the kids put on the Sorting
Hat that determines the fate of young wizards in the book,
they were all put in Slytherin, the home of the evil
Voldemort;
CROW: The hat had a VERY bad day, apparently...
TOM: Where else you gonna send them? Detroit?
the way out, they were taught, could only come
from following what God teaches.
JOEL: So Heaven is located in Gryffindor, then?
TOM: Sadly, if you asked the adults where Ravenclaw and
Hufflepuff were in this setup, you'd probably be met with the blankest of
blank stares.
"I have never seen
children so excited about a church event, just absolutely
mesmerized," Williams says. And what did they learn from
it all? "No one can do miracles but God," says Abigail
Haggerty, 5.
CROW: After three hours of coaching...
JOEL: [Parent] Now dear, what do you say when the
reporter asks what you learned?
TOM: [Abigail] I like Harry Potter!
"It showed how Harry Potter's mom sacrificed
her life for Harry, as God sacrificed his life for us,"
says America Copeland, 9.
CROW: "With absolutely prompting whatsoever," Crow added sarcastically.
---------------------------------------------------------
Time, June 23, 2003, pages 66-67.
By Nancy Gibbs; with reporting by Amy Bonesteel/Atlanta,
Cathy Booth Thomas/Dallas, Amanda Bower/Albany, Harlene
Ellin/Chicago, Rita Healy/Denver, Broward Liston/Orlando,
Jeanne McDowell/Los Angeles, Betsy Rubiner/Des Moines,
and Andrea Sachs/New York.
=========================================================
JOEL: With Wolf Blitzer/Iraq.
CROW: Willard Scott/Weather.
TOM: Gene Shalitt/Movies.
ALL: And Jerry Mathers as "The Beve!"
some see more than the demonic in the Potter series.
JOEL: Yeah, yeah... Some see a Christian allegory,
some see a nice children's series, others see a rich cream filling...
peace be with you!
CROW: Outtie 5000, G!
TOM: Word.
[All leave]
[ 6 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 1 ]...[ * ]
[We turn to see Tom and Joel behind the desk on the bridge]
TOM: So Joel, if this last article is to be taken at face value, there are
as many people who think Harry Potter is a Christian allegory as think it's
Satan's recruitment tool?
JOEL: Look like that's the case. Why?
TOM: No real reason. Just another entry in my "Humans Are Insane" log.
[Crow dashes in]
CROW: Guys! Guys! There's something outside the ship!
JOEL: What? Cambot! Gimme Rocket #9!
[Outside the ship is an ordinary grey 1994 Ford Taurus wagon]
TOM: Well... That's new...
CROW: Looks like they're trying to get through on the Hexfield.
[The Hexfield Viewscreen opens to reveal two clean cut young men wearing
white shirts and ties.]
CROW: Hmm... Vaguely creepy.
MAN: Hello there! I'm Joe and this is Jerry, and we're from The Church of
Latter Day Potters...
JERRY: "The Harrys!"
JOE: And if you have a moment, we'd like to talk to you a moment about our
lord, The Boy Who Lived.
TOM: Oh, dear...
JERRY: Have you ever thought about what happens when you die?
CROW: No, but I imagine NASA search and recovery teams would be involved,
somehow.
JOE: We Harrys believe that when you die, the good and righteous go to
Gryffindor, and the wicked are banished to Slytherin.
JOEL: So then Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw would be considered Purgatory?
JERRY: "Huffle-what?"
JOE: Why do people keep bring those names up?
JOEL: Look, fellas... We’re really not interested in sending what's left of
our souls to Hogwarts, so let's not waste each others time.
Have a nice day. <Presses button to close Hexfield>
BOTH MEN: WAIT! <Field closes>
JOEL: So... A "'Humans Are Insane' log?"
TOM: Two thousand pages and counting!
[The Hexfield reopens]
JOE: If you'll just take a moment to look at our newsletter - "Hogtower..."
CROW: Look, guys! Not interested! Take us off your list! Have a nice day! Et
cetera!
[Hexfield closes again]
JOEL: So... Do I show up in this log of yours?
TOM: No names, just subject numbers. But let's just say "Subject #1" gets
a lot of play.
[The Hexfield opens again. This time, both men are dressed in black wizard's
robes]
JERRY: Okay, LOOK! You WILL listen to us, you WILL see the light, or you
WILL eat an Unforgivable curse! <Both men brandish magic wands.>
CROW: [Slightly embarrassed] Ohh, boy...
TOM: LOOK! If we give you the address of some really evil, non-magical
types who's souls REALLY need saving, would you leave us alone?!?
JOE: [Thoughtfully] "Evil," you say?
JOEL: [Catching on] And mad.
CROW: Quite mad!
JERRY: Hmm... Alright! Point us at them!
TOM: Just get under the satellite and go straight down. Literally. It's
about ten miles under the earth - can't miss it!
JOE: Alrighty then! Thanks!
JERRY: And sorry about the "threatening you with curses" thing! <Hexfield
closes>
TOM: Guys, you realize he's gonna make us pay for this, later?
JOEL: Yeah... But it'll be worth it.
ALL: [Sing-song] OH DOCTOR FORRESTERRRRRRR!!!
[Cut back to Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is looking at the camera with a look of
pained resignation on his face.]
DR.F: <SIGH!> You will suffer. Oh, yes. You will suffer. [Turning around]
Frank, if you have ANY sense of self-preservation, DO NOT
ANSWER THAT DOOR!!
FRANK: [Offscreen] What was that, Steve? I was at the door!
JOE & JERRY: [Entering the room] Hi, there!
[Dr. F pinches the bridge of his and groans]
DR.F: Where did I put that portable death ray. <Hits button>
\ |
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<< FWOOOSH >>
/ | \
/ | \
/ | \
Will Joel and The Bots survive Dr. Forrester's retribution? Will Joe and
Jerry? Will Frank? And just how many subjects are in Tom's "Humans Are
Insane" log? Find out in the next edition of Mystery Science Freezer!
The show is giving the
message that wizards are your friends, NOT!
