Well, here’s MiSTing #5. It took a little longer than the rest because - at least until the ending - it wasn't nearrly as bad. Special thanks go out to Maple Leaf Mickey for unearthing this story for me, and to the author Walter Miller (Yes, he's a real guy!) for giving me the green light to sava... er... MST his work.
And I hope he enjoys the end result.
And for the record, Walter told me that he doesn't hate Harry Kim. He wrote him that way because, quote "it used to annoy me that the writers in the early seasons used to make him act like too much like a kid. Same thing with Geordi LaForge. They made Geordi such a wuss, complaining about working long hours, etc, These are supposed to be big strong muscular men in the military for Godsake. "
And on with the disclaimers...
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related characters are the property of Best Brains, Inc. Star Trek: Voyager and all related characters are the property of Paramount Pictures. "Stealth Wedgie" is the property of Walter Miller. All use of any of the above is meant in the name of good natured fun.
{We open with Crow seated in front of a keyboard, with Tom Servo hovering behind him.]
Tom: I'm not sure what the point of this whole thing is, Crow. I mean, a Swinger's chat room?
Crow: Well, it's the vicarious thrill of the whole thing Tommy! Getting absolutely freaky with an absolute stranger! And let's face it - this is the only way any of us are getting any action up here!
Tom: Well, there's always Gypsy...
Gypsy: [Off screen] Not on your life, pal!
Tom: Well, there's the possibility of...
Crow: If the next word out of your mouth starts with "J," I'll be forced to kill you.
Tom: Okay, got any bites?
Crow: Not ye... Wait! "TVF3k" wants to talk with "PrettyBot212"!
Tom: "TV?" That's not a good omen...
Crow: That's part of the fun! Interacting with the kind of freaks I'd run screaming from in the real world!
Tom: It is?
Crow: Work with me, Tommy. Hmmm... "TV" wants to know if I'm into leather? Uh...Sure! She says that she's got a ton of "naughty devices" in her... secret underground laboratory?
Tom: Kinky!
Crow: And she can't wait to have me...kill her?!?
Tom: Ooh! A snuff freak!
Crow: I... I'm truly frightened, Tom!
Tom: Hey, look! She asks if it's okay for her boss, "Mad Dr. Luv" to watch?
Crow: AIIIEEE!!!! [Runs Off screen]
Tom: Heh! Guess that's a "no!" We'll be right back.
<<Commercials>>
Joel: Tom? Can you tell me why Crow is destroying his laptop with a chainsaw?
Tom: I'll explain later. The Mads are calling.
Joel: Right [Hits button]
[D-13]
Dr. Forrester: Hello, my little lab rats! Let's just cut through the idle chit chat and get to the invention exchange. Frank, get off the chat line and get in here! It's time for the invention exchange!
TV's Frank: [Off screen] Just a minute, Steve! I'm trying to track down this chick I was trying to hook up with. [Typing] Where are you, "PrettyBot?"
[SOL]
Tom: [Snickering]
Crow: I'm doubly scarred for life now!
Joel: Wha...?
Tom: [Still snickering] Later...
Joel: Well anyway, our invention exchange this week covers those annoying pop-up windows that
some of your lower end web pages use to try to get you buy their products or sign up for the latest porno of the month club.
Crow: Sure, you could tweak your browser settings to stop the pop-ups. But where's the fun in that? Wouldn't it be great if you could treat them with the same unstoppable flood of images?
Tom: Well, now you can! With our new "Spammer Slammer" utility.
Joel: It works like this! If you start to get that flood of pop-ups like this... [Shows monitor with pop-up a' popping] Just trigger the Spammer Slammer like this... [hits button on the keyboard and an image much like that of the Waffle Crisp grandmothers pops up]
Tom: And little Mr. WebMaster gets a torrent of pop-up links to sites like Oxygen, Martha Stewart's home page and stuff like that.
Crow: And it's customizable, so you can slam 'em with sports sites, incomprehensible foreign sites, or <shudders> Trekkie fan pages!
Joel: Neat huh?
[D13]
Dr.F: Not bad! But where your invention could be considered just a little naughty and annoying, mine goes that extra mile to be painful and evil! And I took inspiration from that beloved anime series, "Uresei Yatsura." And since Frank refuses to get away from the computer, I'll just demonstrate the "Divine Retaliator" on him. [Moves over to keyboard.] You see, if you tend to come across a spammer, or some chat room troll who types in all lower case, or someone you just plain don't like, like say... Frank? You just activate The Retaliator and when the signal reaches the other end... [Chuckles]
[From Off screen we hear a yell of "DAHLING NO BAKA!!!" and the sound of something getting zapped with electricity. And of course, Frank's anguished screams.]
Dr.F: I've got an email version working, and I'm also working on an HTML version for that unsuspecting web surfer! Impressive, no?
[SOL]
Joel: Evil is what it is!
Tom: Yeah, what'll that stuff do to somebody's computer?
[D13]
Dr. F: What do I care? I'm evil! Now, today's experiment is a warped little Star Trek: Voyager fic written by a guy with - shall we say - issues. It's called "Stealth Wedgie", and it will make your head hurt! Send them the fic, Frank.
[Frank enters, looking like he'd just been electrocuted, then set on fire (which he was).]
Frank: Right <CRACKLE!> Dr. F! <CRACKLE!>
[SOL]
All: WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!! [All scurry away]
[ 1 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 6 ]... [ * ]
Wedgie Page update
by Walter Miller, 1996
Welcom to Star Trek: Voyager Stealth Wedgie
Crow:
I think the wedgie knocked the "e" off of "welcome!"
Tom:
Welcom: a division of Conhugeco!
written by me an my granfather.
Joel:
Why is this guy writing in Cockney?
Crow:
[Stereotypical Brit] Oy, Guv! This 'ere was wri'en by me an' me
gran'father!
It has a surprininly well-developed plot,
Tom:
"Surprininininin...?"
Joel:
This guy has style all his own, doesn't he?
Crow:
Let's hope it stays that way.
an is quiet funny.
Tom: We'll be the judge of that.
We also claborated on a StarTrek The Next Genorattion
Crow: Young Walter tosses the rules of grammar and spelling to the wind and just wings it!
spoof which i actually think is funnr-You decide.
Crow: I'm bitter!
The Walter Miller Hompage
Main Wedgie Page
Tom:
"Main" Wedgie Page? This guy runs a page full of wedgies?
Crow:
[Mr. Rogers] Can you say "Issues?" I knew that you could!
Star Trek and all related characters are trademarks of Paramount Pictures, Inc. This is a non-profit web site, and no breach of copyright is intended. The purpuse of this site is a therapputic expresson to help me deal with disfunctonal fammly difficulties and a poor selfimage problem.
Joel: Poor guy got so rattled by the thought of lawsuits, he forgot to misspell the first half of the disclaimer.
Star Trek: Voyager
Steath Wedgie
Crow:
What's a "Steath Wedgie?"
Tom:
I don't think we want to know!
(Scene 1--Tom Paris's pool hall holodeck program)
Crow:
It's a fully accurate pool hall simulation; complete with barflies,
drunk bikers, and yuppie posers.
Joel:
And yet in this fully pre-programmed environment, Tom Paris still
manages to strike out with embarrassing frequency!
Paris: Say Harry, see the blond in the corner?
Tom: [Harry] The one that just threw the beer in your face, then kneed you? Sure, why?
Go for it, man. She likes you.
Joel:
[Harry] No thanks. I don't want to end up singing falsetto like you.
Tom:
[Harry] Well, sure! I'll take a shot and... D'OH! It's Captain
Janeway!
Crow:
Oooh! Blonde Janeway! Kinky!
Kim: No way! If Chakotay found out, and ended the program in the middle, think how messy it would be...AND embarrassing.
Tom:
I might be projecting here, but unless you were boffing an image of
*him* - or maybe Janeway - I think he'd at least let you finish up
first.
Crow:
Besides, how messy could it get if he ended it in the middle?
Tom:
Well, we really don't know young Mr. Kim's tastes, do we?
Joel:
Yuck!
Paris: You've got to stop worrying about your reputation, Mr. Kim.
Joel:
Harry likes being thought of as a wet-behind-the-ears, geeky, little
pantywaist?
Tom:
Like I said: How well do we really know Harry?
Kim: I still HAVE a reputation, Mr. Paris.
Crow:
So does Tom: He's a jerk!
Tom:
I am *NOT!*
Joel:
He meant that Tom, Tom.
Tom:
Oh. Well, be more specific next time.
Hologram: Hey! Let's play pool!
Joel: [Paris] Ah, hold your water, you talking light bulb!
Paris: Take a look around you, Harry. You're 75 light years into space. You won't be meeting any new women.
Tom:
Human women, anyway.
Crow:
Never stopped Captain Kirk.
Joel:
Or Commander Riker.
Who are you going to end up with, say, ten years from now? The captain?
Tom:
Don't you guys plan on being back *HOME* in ten years?
Crow:
That's just Tom being his usual spirit crushing, jerk self!
Kim: (shuddering) Ooh! I just got a shivering willie! No thanks!
[All giggle]
Tom:
"Shivering willie"? Who the hell says "shivering
willie?"
Joel:
Harry intends to hang on to his geeky rep for as long as possible!
Paris: So go for the blond
Kim: A hologram? It's not a real woman!
Joel:
[Paris] I know! That's what makes it fun!
Crow:
[Paris] Unless you'd rather be giggled at and patted on the head like
the "real women" do!
Paris: (whispering) Yeah, but it sure beats "testing the old weapons array" in your quarters on lonely nights.
Crow:
Wink, wink! Nudge, nudge!
Tom:
I bet you'd know all about that wouldn't you, Joel.
Joel:
Tom...
Kim: You promised not to tell anyone!
Crow:
Umm... Do we want to know how Paris found out about that?
Tom:
Let me think about that. Ah...No!
Paris: About your "self-diagnostics?" Let me tell you pal, you're not the only one on Voyager doing "solo missions".
Tom:
Umm... Hello? Holodecks! Why would they need to whack it when five
minutes in a holodeck would scratch any itch they have?
Joel:
Yeah, well... Why let the facts get in the way of a salacious
interlude!
Crow:
"Salacious interlude!" Them's some mighty fancy words,
there Robinson!
Joel:
I've been reading my thesaurus!
Kim: You're disgusting.
Paris: (smirking) I do my best.
Joel: Young Mr. Paris relishes his jerkiness!
Hologram: Hey! Rack 'em up! Let's play pool!
Paris: Just a minute, fella.
Crow:
[Paris] I'm not through being a jerk!
Hologram:
I said, play!
Paris: You're starting to annoy me, guy
Tom: Ooh! Big man! Talking back to something programmed not to hurt you!
Hologram: Oh, yeah?
Paris: Watch it Harry!
(hologram levels a pool cue, jabs Kim from behind; with an upward jerk he hikes Kim's trousers up sharply; )
Tom: We have a wedgie!
[All cheer.]
Kim: Aargh!
(Kim collapses unconscious)
Paris: Computer! End program!
Crow:
Man! That must have been one hellacious wedgie!
Joel:
Either that or Harry's just that much of a wimp.
Tom:
I vote "wimp."
(Scene 2--Sick Bay)
Doctor: (impatiently) Have we found the problem YET, Kes?
Crow: [Kes] Yes! I've found that you're a dickweed!
Kes: Well, there's a minor rectal area contusion
Tom:
He was knocked out by a "minor rectal contusion?"
Joel:
You get the feeling that the author REALLY doesn't like Harry Kim?
Crow:
You mean there are people who LIKE him?
Kim: I feel so humiliated...I tell you, it just came out of nowhere.
Crow:
You mean like a "Stealth Wedgie?"
All:
*BZZT!* PLOT POINT! *BZZT!* PLOT POINT!
Doctor: (sarcastic) Thank you for the compliment. We holograms DO come out of nowhere.
Crow:
Umm, Doc! You come out of the computer!
Joel:
I think Neelix has been dolling out extra helpings of jerk today!
Tuvok: We have found no problems with the holodeck. As there are no aliens in this sector, I shall investigate this as an internal hostile incident.
Tom: I'm pretty sure that wedgies can be classified as "internal."
Kes: Internal is right. Look!
[Joel and Crow turn to stare at Tom]
Tom: Just goin' with the flow, man!
Doctor: Polyester clothing fibers, way up...way up where they should NOT be.
Crow:
They're in the 24th century, and the best they can come up with for
uniform fabric is *polyester*?!?
Tom:
Who said it was his uniform?
Joel:
Ick!
Kim: You OK, Kes? You're sweaty, and your eyes are bloodshot.
Tom: [Kes] It's you, you steaming hunk of techno-geek! Take me now!
Kes: I must be undergoing another adolescent biological Ocampa rite of passage that I was never told about.
Joel: [Kes] I was wondering where that third nipple came from!
Doctor: Oh joy...Hmph! This confirms it. Captain, report to sick bay at once.
Crow: [Doctor, condescendingly] Kes wet 'em!
Janeway: (on speaker) On my way.
Kes: This confirms what?
Joel: That someone set his "Crotchety" levels at "90 year old?"
Doctor: Mr. Kim is the victim of an ancient earth ritual that was abandoned centuries ago, around the time poverty and war were also eliminated on earth: A wedgie.
Tom: Oh, sure! That's the goal of all societies striving towards peace: The elimination of war, poverty, and wedgies.
Kes: A what-gie?
Doctor: A Wedgie. A cruel, inhumane attempt at humor at the expense of another.
Joel: No attempt to it. Done right, they're usually pretty funny.
Tuvok: They were, I believe, first developed by earth savages, and re-popularized by the Cardassians during their conquest of Bajor.
Tom:
Wait! Hold it! The Cardassians used Wedgies to terrorize Bajor into
submission?
Crow
[Deep announcer voice]: Behold the Wedgie! All-powerful weapon of
terror!
Joel:[Narrator]
And though the Bajorans put up a brave fight, they eventually
succumbed to the terrible Cardassian Atomic Wedgie!
(Janeway enters)
Tom: Realizes what kind of f'd up fever dream of a fic she wandered into, then leaves.
Janeway: Doctor, report.
Joel:[Doctor] Okay; "What I did on my Summer Vacation", by me...
Doctor: It's as we feared.
Crow: Kes just isn't hot enough. We need to dump her for a sexy Borg babe!
Janeway: (nodding) Wedgies. And to think we've somehow found this scourge of humanity all the way in the Delta Quadrant.
Tom:
"Scourge of humanity?" We are still talking about wedgies,
right?
Joel:
Well, consider the source: A guy who maintains a web page about
wedgies.
Crow:
And who appears to be none too stable, by the way.
Tom:
Right. I see your point.
How's my little man in uniform holding up?
Joel: [Harry] You promised not to call me that in public!
Kim: I'm doing fine, Mommy--I mean Captain.
Tom: I think that qualifies as a Freudian prat fall.
Janeway: Anything we can get for you?
Crow: A pillow? A snack? Razor for your wrist?
Kim: Maybe someone can get my teddy bear from my quarters.
Joel: It's official: The author does NOT like Harry Kim.
Janeway: Get it for you? I'll have it beamed directly to sick bay.
Kes: Doctor! I'm feeling shame too!
Tom: [Kes] In fact, I'm filled with shame!
Doctor: That's because you too Kes, have been the victim of a wedgie. According to this scan, it occurred about 2:00 hours.
Tom:
AM? PM? A little help here, Walter!
Joel:
I'm pretty sure he meant "0200 hours"!
Crow:
Gotta love those advances in medical science though! Pinpointing the
exact moment of wegdiging!
Kes: But I was asleep!
All: I *KNOW*!
Doctor: Yes. But I cannot explain this mass of synthetic matter wedged in your glutemal cleavage...
[All make coughing and sputtering noises...]
Tom: Let it pass...Too easy...
Right next to this disgraceful "Kes Loves Neelix" tattoo Kes: (giggle!)
Crow: [Kes] Being a tattooed freak is fun!
Doctor: I'm reading a complex foreign object, about 320 grams,
Crow:
Aah! She got the Mighty Mite version!
Tom:
Say!
with multiple absorbant, spongy fibrous layers encased in an elasticized polyvinyl shell.
Tom:
Da' Hell?!?
Joel:
Sounds like she's got a sofa cushion up there!
Crow:
Kin-ky!!!
Tuvok: You just described an adult undergarment.
All:
EWWW!!!
Crow:
Aw, man! She's got a diaper fetish!
Doctor: Ah yes. It's a McCoy Model 76, named for the Starfleet medical officer who originally developed it for personal use.
Tom: The McCoy 76: For the incontinent, yet crotchety!
It seems he served on active duty to an unusually old age. Kes, why are you wearing a diaper?
Kes: Because I'm only two years old!
All:
WAH...WAH...WAAAAAAH!!!
Joel:
You know, that joke actually wasn't bad!
Tom:
Yeah! How did that get there!
(Scene 3--Mess Hall)
Neelix: Mr. Tuvok, I'm so glad to see you!
Crow: [Tuvok] Oh, crap. Here we go.
I've been working on a dee-light-ful Talarian boar egg stew; easy on the Angulian sea salt, and with just a hint of Loridian clove spice. I'm sure you'll find it enchanting.
Joel: Umm, Neelix? Is it possible for you to cook something where the ingredients all come from the same planet?
Tuvok: It is impossible to enchant a Vulcan.
Crow: Flummox? Sure! Bewitch? Absolutely! But, by Vulcan, you can't enchant one!
Neelix: Ah, yes, my pointy-eared friend, but as morale officer of this ship,
Joel: And all around annoyance...
you know I'll try until I'm pink in the face!
Tom: [Tuvok] Perhaps if I death grip you until you're blue in the face?
Tuvok: Please, refrain from physically touching me.
Crow: [Richard Burton] Don't touch me, Martha!
Neelix: Then what can I get for you, my good man?
Tom:
Down?
Joel:
Lost?
Crow:
Bent?
Tuvok: Plain Vulcan grain porridge.
Joel: [Tuvok] In a pot. Nine days old.
Neelix: Oh, how boring! Perhaps I might interest you in trying it with a smidge of this delicious Jozalian sour cream topping?
Crow: Perhaps I might interest you in biting me?
Tuvok: I have a mild dairy intolerance.
Joel:
That's okay: This cream isn't made from milk.
Bots:
EWWWWW!!!!
Neelix: Oh, please! Just TRY it!
Tom:
Neelix has been taking double doses of "Pest" today, hasn't
he.
Joel:
I think we've found another of Walter's "least favorites."
Tuvok: Perhaps I may, if you will desist immediately in slapping and fondling my shoulder.
Crow:
[Tuvok] At least not in public.
Tom:
That's gonna stick in my head for a week!
Joel:
Yeah, thanks a lot, Crow!
Crow:
Heh, heh, heh!
Neelix: Just taste it!
Tom: I said taste it! TASTE IT!!!
Tuvok: I must admit it is somewhat palatable. What is the recipe?
Joel: Pureed redshirts! Neat, huh!
Neelix: Oh, Tuvok! I never use a recipe! And I never measure: I throw in a little of this, a bit of that. A dollop of yogurt, a pinch of chives, some fermented Jozalian mare's milk...
Tom: Some goat's blood, hair of a virgin Klingon, assorted entrails...
Tuvok: How much mare's milk, exactly?
Joel:
[Neelix] Dunno... How much do you think my mouth holds?
Tom:
Yick!
Neelix: (hesitating) Well...I always squirt in exactly two whole mouthfuls.
[The bots turn slowly towards Joel.]
Crow:
Is there something we should know about you, Joel?
Joel:
I swear guys, it's just a freakish coincidence!
Tom:
All I know is I'm never letting you fix me cereal again!
Tuvok: That is a violation of Starfleet dietary regulations.
Crow: Not to mention icky!
Neelix: Oh, I strain out any of my whisker hairs! You and your regulations!
Joel:
Yeah, Tuvok! What's a cross-species disease between friends?
Tom:
Yet another question for Captain Kirk.
Tuvok: I will now run a tricorder scan on this tray of leftover meat loaf. It did not appear to be meat loaf when I ate it last night.
Joel:
Then why did you eat it?
Crow:
[Homer Simpson] Mmm...Talaxian Mystery Meat...
Neelix: Now, THAT recipe I got straight from the ship's computer!
Tom: [Neelix] It was embossed with this delightful little skull and crossed bones motif!
Tuvok: You are correct. My scan indicates the exact signature of a recipe developed by a Commander Data, who currently serves on another Starship. It is called
Tom: "Crap Whipped Up By A Guy With No Tastebuds."
Feline Nutritional Supplement Number 25.
Crow: Mmm...Cat Chow!
Neelix: Oh, Mr. Tuvok!
Joel:
Oh, Captain Spaulding!
Tom:
Oh, Rooob!
Crow:
Ah, Ricky!
Tuvok: I am leaving.
Neelix: Wait! Wait!
Tuvok: What is it, Neelix?
Joel:
How can we keep this ship running if we were running with a skeleton
crew to begin with and we lose about three crewmen a month for four
years?
Tom:
Joel! Buddy! It's just a show!
Crow:
Yeah, you should really just relax.
Neelix: (lowered voice) Mr. Tuvok, can I confide in you to keep a secret?
Tom: [Neelix] I... I think I love you!
Tuvok: We Vulcans are capable of unusual restraint.
Joel: [Tuvok] We are especially good with leather and metal studs.
However, this restraint will be tested if you continue to knead and rub my arm, and engage in other acts of unwelcome, overly-familiar comraderie.
Tom: In other words: Hands off, Stubby!
Neelix: A wedgie, Mr. Tuvok! I got one!
Crow: All my dreams come true today!
Tuvok: Please explain.
Joel:
You need to have wedgies explained to you?
Tom:
I'm guessing Vulcans tend to torture each other mentally.
Crow: [Vulcan] Your m so unintelligent, she failed her own blood test.
Tom:
That was kinda lame, Crowother is.
Crow:
Well, you try to do intellectual riffs!
Neelix: We Talaxians don't have what you call...cracks down there.
Crow: They have a distinct lack of hinderage!
Tuvok: I believe you are referring to cleavage of the posterior glutemus area.
Tom:
The butt!
Joel:
The hinder!
Crow:
The derriere!
Neelix: Yes, yes, There's nothing down there, except...Well, see these spots and downy hair around my head? The area of my buttocks is ringed with...
Crow:
TMI!!!
Joel:
Neelix, buddy? Did we really need to know that?
Tuvok: I will remind you that this is an environment of food consumption. Please refrain from detailed descriptions.
All: Please!
Neelix: All right, let me get to the point.
Tom: Hey, don't rush on our account!
I was half asleep this morning, and thought I was dreaming. When suddenly, out of nowhere,
Joel:
Shots rang out!
Tom:
A woman screamed!
Crow:
Umm... Umm... An angel got it's wings?
I heard voices!
Joel: [Neelix] I think it was telling me that Paris must diet. It was quite confusing.
Then I felt an invisible hand pulling my tunic--trying to give me one of those wedgies the whole ship is talking about.
Tom:
I'm assuming that he was lying face down, or a wedgie could get
awkward.
Crow:
He wears a tunic to bed?
Joel:
I don't think we want to go down that road.
Tuvok: Are you sure it wasn't Kes?
Crow: [Neelix] Nah! Kes goes for the throat!
Neelix: (offended) Kes and I do not sleep together!
Tom:
They don't?
Crow:
Poor guy!
Tuvok: I see.
Neelix: (giggling)
Joel: [Neelix, giggling] And now you die!
And I know her hand when I feel it, if you know what I mean!
Crow: Wink, wink! Nudge, nudge! Say no more!
Tuvok: Please stop jabbing me with your elbow. I will log the report of your wedgie later.
Neelix: Thank you, Mr. Tuvok!
Joel:
For making us laugh at love.
Bots:
Again.
Tuvok: Neelix, what is this dark brown, paste-like muck spread on my toast?
Crow: Oooh! So many riffs, so little time!
Neelix: Oh, that! My Grodian game bird chopped liver spread; very rare, and only from one species of fowl, found on Groda Two...Uh, I think.
Tuvok: What do you mean you think?
Tom: [Neelix] Well, it might have come from Groda One! I don't know! I'm just the comedy relief around here!
Neelix: Uh, well, I found an unmarked jar in the pantry.
Tuvok: This tricorder scan shows it is a lithium-based, oxygenated grease with high levels of sulfur.
Tom:
Dippity-Doo?
Crow:
Brylcreme?
Joel:
Grecian Formula?
Neelix: Yes, now I remember, I found that around the time the Kazons were aboard for that summit meeting.
Tom: Just before they tried to kill us for the four thousandth time!
Tuvok: My scan concludes that it is a jar of industrial-grade alien ornamental pomade.
Joel:
Industrial strength pomade?
Crow:
Talk about your bad hair!
And, the stardate on the label shows it is expired, and quite rancid.
Joel: And yet you needed a tricorder scan to tell you not to eat it?
Neelix: (dejected) Yes, it's Kazon hair grease. And the freshness button WAS popped on it when I got it.
Tom: Boy, Neelix's kitchen just a fun house o' food poisoning isn't it?
Tuvok: The captain will hear about this
(captain enters)
Janeway: The captain will hear about what?
Joel: [Janeway] If your talking about the brown stuff or that cat food, Neelix is already cutting me in for half.
Tuvok: We will discuss it later.
Janeway: Good. I need you now in engineering...Big fella.
All:
"Big fella?"
Crow:
Uh oh! I think Hornyverse Janeway may be back!
Tuvok: Captain. As my superior officer, it is inappropriate for you to press your palms on my pectoral region.
Tom:
[Tuvok] Unless you kiss me first!
Crow:
Guh!
Janeway: (smiling suavely) We'll discuss THAT in the turbolift
Neelix: He doesn't let me touch him either, Captain!
Joel:
He'd never touch you, Neelix! You're dirt!
Tom:
Let's roll, guys!
[All leave]
[6]...[5]...[4]...[3]...[2]...[1]...[ * ]
[We see Joel and the bots dressed in Chef's hats and aprons. Crow is wearing some randomly placed tufts of hair on his head.]
Crow: Welcome everyone, to Neelix's House of Fine Cuisine and Questionable Hygiene! I'm Neelix! And have we got some treats for you today! My kitchen staff and I are cooking up some tasty dishes from around the quadrant. And with my "special cooking techniques" your taste buds will be singing, while your stomach cries out in pain!
[Gypsy enters wearing a waitress' hat]
Gypsy; Neelix! We got an order for six Ocampan Chili Dogs with fries to go!
Crow: Oh, poo! Chili Dogs are no fun! Pack up some of that Andurain Beef Stew with some of my special bread for them!
Tom: And just what makes that bread so special, Neelix?
Crow: I make it from toenail clippings! Gives it a real earthy flavor!
Joel: And I thought we hadn't gotten any Andurain beef in this week?
Crow: Oh, that! Pshaw and harumph! That stew's been in that pot for months!
Tom: That explains the fur!
Crow: Adds texture! You see, folks! Everything at Neelix's has my special touch - literally! I stick my finger into everything to make sure it measures up to my personal standards!
Gypsy: One order Talaxian Grilled Cheese!
Crow: Coming right up! [Pulls sandwich from armpit] Service with a smile!
Joel: So come on down to Neelix's!
Tom: Come for the food!
Crow: Leave for medical attention!
All:
NEELIX!
<<commercials>>
[All reenter the theater]
Crow:
Thanks guys! That was fun!
Tom:
And a bit nauseating! Where did you get that sandwich from?
Crow:
Umm... You don't wanna know!
(Scene 4--engineering)
Torres: Damn it!...DAMN IT!
All: [Chanting] DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT!
(She strikes the console hard with the heel of her hand)
Crow: [Torres] STUPID TECHNOLOGY! WORK!
Chakotay: Take it easy, B'Elanna
Torres: I can't find anything wrong with our sensors, or the holodeck.
Tom: [Torres] So I'm going to beat up this panel until something goes wrong!
Janeway: Well, something IS wrong with the holodeck. The little girl in my Gothic holo-novel program is going around giving wedgies all over the English countryside.
Crow: [Falsetto] Tra-la-la, la-la, YOINK! Tra-la-la, la-la, YOINK!
Torres: Tell me again, Tom, what the hell happened in the holodeck?
Joel: Playing pool, trying to play holo pimp with Harry, pissed of a holo-biker, Harry got the wedgie from hell. That's about it, really!
Paris: B'Elanna, I've explained it six times! I don't remember anything else!
Crow: [Paris] I'm stupid! Leave me alone!
Chakotay: Your poor memory is another indication of a bad work attitude.
Tom: Or maybe he's just stupid?
Change it, Mr. Paris, or I'll have you thrown in the brig.
Joel: You guys get the feeling Chakotay would throw Paris in the brig for breathing too hard?
Torres violently kicks a wall panel; sparks fly in the air)
Crow: [Torres] STUPID WALL PANEL! I HATE YOU! IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU!!!
Torres: I have to know how that wedgie happened! Tell me, Starfleet!
Joel: Well, first you come up behind your target, you grab the waistband of their skivvies...
Paris: I don't know what to say.
Tom: Umm, Tom? IT'S A WEDGIE! There ain't much to describe!
You're asking me to explain an ancient ritual that only the Cardassians, or Klingons, or whoever have re-popularized...
Torres: (screaming) Klingons don't give cowardly wedgies!
Joel: [Torres] We prefer Pink Bellies!
Klingons are warriors who attack head-on, not from the rear!
Crow:
... Nah! Too easy!
Joel
and Tom: Thank you!
(She swings the heel of her hand hard onto Paris's face;
All: HAIKEEBA!!!
blood flies everywhere; Paris collapses)
[All cheer]
Janeway: That's it, B'Elanna. You're on report.
Tom:
That's awful calm for just having had your helmsman brained.
Crow:
I get the feeling the crew wouldn't mind if Paris got sucked out an
airlock or assimilated.
Joel:
Or someone just beat him up.
Tuvok: This scan shows that his neck and nose are broken. There are 17 more fractures on his face and skull. His life is in danger.
Crow:
Man! Klingon PMS is a bitch!
Joel:
Crow...
Tom:
Now that's just uncalled for!
Janeway: Tuvok, take him to sick bay. B'Elanna, go to your quarters, and take a cold shower
Joel:
A cold shower for a violent outburst?
Tom:
Well, she is half Klingon...
Crow:
Kinky!
Torres: (head bowed) I'm sorry Captain.
Crow: [Torres] I'm filled with shame.
Janeway: No replicator privileges for one week. If Lieutenant Paris should die, then it's two weeks.
Joel:
Um...What privileges? They're all on rations, aren't they?
Tom:
Hmm...Two weeks with no privileges for nearly crushing someone's
head, Neelix doesn't even get a reprimand for nearly poisoning the
crew, but Tom gets threatened with arrest for being stupid?
Crow:
Voyager has a strict "No Dumb Jerk" policy?
Torres: But Captain!
Janeway: You heard me!
(Tuvok, Paris and Torres leave)
Tom:
Shouldn't they be doing some sort of emergency transport if Paris is
in that kind of danger?
Crow:
Nah! It's just Paris. No rush.
Chakotay: That was unnecessarily harsh, Captain. I think you're picking on her because she was a Maquis.
Joel:
I thought it was because she nearly caved Paris' skull in, but I
guess I'm wrong.
Tom:
And I suppose the great Chakotay would have handled better, hmmm?
You should have let me handle it.
Crow: If you... know what I mean!
Janeway: (suave smile) Now that we're alone, I kind of like the idea of handling you...Red Man...
Tom:
"Red Man," That's nice!
Joel:
She really a hand's on kind of captain, isn't she?
Chakotay: Captain, please!
Crow: May I have another?
Janeway: (deep, sultry voice) I took a look at your personal Starfleet records, Chakotay.
Tom: [Janeway] Your turn-ons are body art, long walks in the holodeck, and sharing a peace pipe with that "special someone!"
You've got those funny little tattoos all over your body. Let's see if any of them will rub off on your captain...
Joel: Oh, man! It IS the Hornyverse Janeway!
Doctor: (on speaker) Doctor to Captain Janeway. We have had two more stealth wedgie attacks!
Crow: [Doctor] Dammit, Captain! I'm a doctor, not a hall monitor!
Janeway: Have Tuvok issue a ship-wide intruder alert. I want the senior staff in my ready room, right now!
Tom: Yes, Captain Mood Swing!
Scene 5
Joel:
Take two.
Crow:
Point five.
Tom:
Revision C
--Captain's ready room)
Chakotay: Where's Paris? He's 10 minutes late...again.
Tom: I think he's busy not dying, Chakotay.
Doctor: (on screen) He's still comatose. But I've just upgraded him from "Near Death" to "Grave".
Joel: [Chakotay] Well give him something that will put him at "Organ Donor!"
Chakotay: That's no excuse. He still late, and that shows a bad attitude. I'm placing him on report.
Crow:
[Paris] But...Commander? I was unconscious and bleeding!
Tom:
[Chakotay] That's no excuse. You have a responsibility!
Crow:
But...But I was nearly killed like, ten minutes ago!
Tom:
Doesn't matter!
Janeway: As you wish, Commander. So, what's your latest view of this wedgie situation?
Joel: [Chakotay] I'd prefer not to view the wedgies, Captain!
Chakotay: So far we have had five confirmed stealth wedgies. The victims have been Mr. Kim, Kes, Mr. Neelix, and now Mr. Tuvok and the doctor.
Tom:
Whom, except for Harry, have been annoyed at worst. So what's the big
deal?
Crow:
Well, there is the off chance that whoever is doing this is going to
do something actually dangerous?
Joel:
And this being Janeway, she probably hopes it's some uncharted life
form they can inadvertently enrage into trying to kill them.
Doctor: Captain, as a matter of dignity, I demand that you do not refer to me as a recipient of this barbarism! I am a holographic image!
Crow:
Joel? How DO you give a wedgie to a hologram?
Joel:
Really fast?
I lack a digestive tract! The attempted wedgie... Janeway: Turn off the sound! (Chakotay turns sound off; the Doctor keeps yammering)
Tom:
And being totally pompous and self-absorbed, the doctor doesn't
notice.
Crow:
Tee-hee! Being a jerk is fun!
Janeway: One of these days we've got to re-program that annoying voice.
Joel: Some would say the same about you.
Chakotay: It seems that even those without glutemal cleavage--like the Doctor and Neelix--can be victims, or at least attempted wedgie victims
Tom:
Yes, even those without butt cracks can savor the sensations of the
wedgie.
Crow:
Wedgies: Fun for the whole universe!
Kim: What's 'glutemal cleavage'?
Chakotay: Ass cracks.
(Kim, Neelix and Kes giggle uncontrollably)
Joel: [Beavis and Butthead laugh] Huh-huh! He said "ass!"
Janeway: (sternly) The rapport on this ship continues to stoop to lower levels of evacuation-chamber humor, and I will no longer tolerate it!
Tom: Did you watch season five? You could use a good dose of lowbrow!
Chakotay: Yes, Captain.
(There is a long, uncomfortable silence; Neelix, who is sitting next to the captain, narrows his eyes, and peers into her face)
All: SLEEEEEEP!!!
Neelix: You know what I've just noticed, Captain?
Crow: [Neelix] I've just been begging for a beating this entire fic!
You have a li-i-i-tle blonde moustache right on your upper lip.
Joel:
Neat trick, considering she's got brown hair.
Crow:
We think.
Joel
and Tom: Saaay!
Janeway: Do you want a wedgie, Mr. Neelix? This one won't be just an attempt.
Chakotay: That's not funny, Captain.
Tom: Threats usually aren't.
Janeway: You're right. I apologize. Proceed.
Joel: With the wedgie?
Chakotay: It seems that Mr. Tuvok was hit from behind--as in all of the stealth wedgie attacks--
Crow:
Well it's kind of hard to deliver a wedgie head on.
Joel:
Give them a break, Tom. They're not supposed to be familiar with
wedgies.
while he was on the turbolift taking Mr. Paris to sickbay.
Tuvok: (sternly, to Captain) I believe it was the second incident in one day of an unexpected hand on my posterior region while on a turbolift.
Joel: [Chakotay] Sorry! I just couldn't resist!
Janeway: (smiling) It was just a little pinch, handsome. And I did warn you.
Tom: Ah, Computer? Some salt peter for the Captain, here?
Tuvok: You are correct Captain. The more disturbing incident was the stealth wedgie. The violator was invisible.
Crow: Or really quick.
Kes: How humiliating!
Joel: How uninteresting.
Tuvok: I am incapable of humiliation.
Crow: [Tuvok] So bite me.
Chakotay: Neelix, I just thought of something. If your species completely lacks a posterior opening...then how do you evacuate? If you don't mind me asking.
All:
We mind!
Tom:
Chakotay, I REALLY don't think you should have asked that!
Neelix: Certainly.
Crow:
[Neelix] Let me demonstrate!
Joel
and Tom: NOOOO!!!
We Talaxians have evolved to use epidermal transpiration.
Tom:
You mean "sweat?"
Joel:
Let's not jump to conclusions.
See these paw-like pads on my hands?
Crow:
That explains why he doesn't mind that he and Kes don't sleep
together.
Tom:
Ewww!
This wet, waxy and rather foul-smelling semi-liquid which secretes and drips from them all day long is actually my bodily waste.
Joel:
Oh, Man! I could have gone my whole life without reading that!
Tom:
Not familiar with the phrase "TMI", are you Neelix?
Chakotay: And what is that dry, powdery stuff also on your hands?
Crow: [Neelix] Oh, that's just the residue from the lines I did before the meeting. You think I could stand you people sober?
Neelix: Oh, that! When I was called to this meeting, I was just in the middle of kneading some dough for my famous Darbudian challah bread. Ve-r-ry tasty, if I must say so...
Joel: [Neelix] Once you ride out the numbness and trembling...
Kim: Neelix, do you ever wash your hands?
Neelix: Nah.
Crow:
Oh, PUKE!!!
Joel:
I feel the need to go brush my teeth now.
Tuvok: We Vulcans are incapable of disgust. However, under the circumstances, I feel that revulsion is inevitable.
Janeway: Let's get back to the matter at hand!
Chakotay: Thank you, Captain. I'm trying to pull together common elements here...Harry wears boxers. Tuvok and Neelix wear briefs.
Tom: [Chakotay] I'm sporting a naughty g-string ...
Kes, as far as underwear, do you wear boxers or briefs?
Crow:
Don't know - Does a chastity belt count as briefs?
Joel:
Boxers? When did Kes turn into a guy?
Kes: Depends.
Chakotay: Beg your pardon?
Tom: [Kes] Sometimes I feel like boxers, sometimes briefs, sometimes I break out this racy little French number...
Kes: Depends --ask the doctor--he found one before, wedged up my crack.
Crow:
And the Space/Time continuum gets twisted around with that
anachronism.
Joel:
And yet you had to have the Doctor tell you there was a diaper shoved
up your ass?
Janeway: Gosh, I wish I had bought stock in those 'Depends' things way back when.
Tom: They'd make great keepsakes since the Federation doesn't use money...
Chakotay: I think we can narrow our suspects down to a technologically advanced race capable of great savagery.
Crow: And that narrows it down to... Every species they've ever met.
Kim: But which is also very simple-minded, and not able to know which victims can or cannot physically receive wedgies.
Joel:
Technically, if you're wearing underwear, you can get wedgied.
Tom:
So then, this species hasn't mastered the fine art of wedgies?
Crow:
I'm betting it was the Borg.
Tom:
[Borg] Resistance is futile. You will be wedgied.
Chakotay: Who would that be, in this part of space?
Joel: Let's see... At this point in the series: The Kazon, the Borg, stray Klingons, a bored engineering ensign, the ghosts of a hundred redshirts...
Janeway: Mr. Tuvok! Stop urinating on the floor!
All:
O_o
Crow:
Wha...?
Tom:
Eww!
Joel:
That can't be very sanitary.
Tom:
[Neelix] Oh, tish-tosh! I do that all the time!
Tuvok: Yes, Captain. Please excuse me. I believe I am still feeling the residual effects of my latest Vulcan mind-meld.
Joel: [Janeway] Have you been melding with the urinals again?
Janeway: (rolls her eyes) Who did you mind-meld with this time?
Tuvok: It was last week, during my investigation of the mess hall.
Neelix: Oh, everyone's always picking on my cooking!
Tom:
You'll notice that no one really picks AT your cooking, Neelix.
Crow:
That's assuming they live that long!
Tuvok: It seems that Mr. Neelix had a few organ meats in food storage that he was passing off as Talarian calves' brains.
Janeway: Yes, I recall. They were delicious.
Joel:
[Janeway] Once we got over that little wave of Talarian Mad Cow
Disease...
Tom:
[Chakotay] Speak for yourself! I'm still resisting the urge to get
milked!
Crow:
Oh, is that what the kids are calling that in the future?
Tuvok: One night, alone in the galley, I did a mind-meld with one of the brains, to make sure.
Tom:
Umm... Strictly speaking, shouldn't a mind-meld only work on a brain
that still works?
Crow:
I think Tuvok has some twisted variant of Pon Farr going on.
Joel:
[Tuvok] Must...Have...The brains!
They turned out to be canine, not bovine in nature.
Crow:
So Neelix runs a Chinese restaurant?
Joel
and Tom: Crow!
Janeway: Dog brains!
Tuvok: Precisely.
Tom: [Janeway] You specifically promised me squirrel brains, Neelix!
Chakotay: I guess that explains the incident on the bridge yesterday, involving you and your rather vigorous attachment to Ensign Kim's leg.
All:
Eww!!!
Tom:
This fic is just flying off in all kinds of weird directions, isn't
it?
Tuvok: Once again, I apologize, Ensign.
Joel: [Harry] S'okay! I kinda liked it, really!
Janeway: It's been some rough week for our little Mr. Kim.
Kim: Thanks, Captain. Thanks Lieutenant.
Janeway: Well, don't start going around sniffing people's butts, Mr. Tuvok.
Crow: There's an image we could have all done without!
There's a stealth Wedgie Master aboard this ship, and I wouldn't want your nose to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Tuvok: I will heed your logical counsel.
Janeway: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Tuvok?
Tom: [Tuvok] You want to hump my leg, too?
Tuvok: I believe I am, Captain.
Janeway: This meeting is adjourned. Let's reconvene on the bridge in one hour. Tuvok, you're with me.
Crow:
[Janeway, sultry] Let's put those animal instincts to good use!
Tom:
Gaah!
(Scene 5--The bridge)
Joel: Weirded out 3 -- Joel, Tom, and Crow.
Chakotay: Captain, why are we stopping here?
Janeway: Because I need some answers. Tell me the truth, Chakotay.
Tom:
[Chakotay, rapidly] Okay, I've been lusting after you for years, and
I sneak down the Holodeck every night and do nasty things to a
hologram of you, and...
Joel:
[Janeway] I meant if you thought I was too rough on B'Elanna..
Tom:
[Chakotay] Oopsies...
Chakotay: About what?
Janeway: Nobody's blaming you for the attacks. But I have to know how Wedgie technology got here to the Delta quadrant.
Crow: If wedgies are that powerful a weapon, maybe the Borg picked it up?
Torres: I...I guess I can answer that, Captain. The fact that the Cardassians have been using it didn't make it right. But we in the Maquis HAD to use it to fight back.
Tom: [Mighty Announcer Voice] The Wedgie: All-powerful weapon of terror.
Janeway: Incredible.
Joel: -ly implausible...
Chakotay: All of us Maquis aboard Voyager have given wedgies to the Cardassians at one time or other during our struggle--but only in self- defense.
Crow:
How do you defend yourself with a wedgie?
Tom:
The Maquis were masters of Wedgie Fu?
Janeway: All of you!
Chakotay: It's not something we're proud of, Captain. Wedgie knowledge and skill reside in the frontal lobes of us all.
Crow:
Joel? Does that mean that all humans instinctively know how to
deliver devastating Wedgies?
Joel:
I guess if the Saiyans can be born with martial arts skills, we can
be born with wedgie skills.
Tuvok: This confirms my assumptions. Ensign, there should be a Kazon ship just within communications range.
Kim: You're correct, sir!
Tom: [Ed McMahon] YES! You are correct, Tuvok!
Janeway: Wedgie technology in the hands of the Kazon? It will change the face of this quadrant forever.
Tom: Umm... Isn't this the same race that blew themselves up trying to copy a food replicator?
Tuvok: Captain, I must warn you, even will full shields, their weapons can destroy us in minutes.
Tom:
Now wait a minute! It's a known fact that, one-on-one, Kazon ships
are no match for Voyager! That they're cautious of *ONE* Kazon ship
is just ridiculous!
Joel:
Tom, you've a lot more ridiculous stuff pass in this fic so far. Why
are you going so nuts over this?
Tom:
Because the rest was just lame comic relief, Now he's messing with
Star Trek canon! And that's just wrong, by cracky!!!
Janeway: I'm willing to take that chance. Hail them.
Kim: They are hailing us!
Joel:
Hail, centurion!
Crow:
[Singing] Hail to the Redskins!
Tom:
[Singing] Hail to the victors!
Janeway: On screen.
Kazon: Hello, Captain
All: Hello...Neuman!
Neelix: You're hair is looking awful nappy, Kazon. Does this look familiar? I must say, it makes a mighty delicious spread!
Joel:
It strips rust right off the hull!
Crow:
And kids like it too!
Janeway: Quiet, Neelix!
Kazon: My jar of hair slime! Hand it over, Talaxian!
Janeway: You Kazon are too stupid to do this on your own. Who helped you?
Tom: That's right... Piss off an entire race of warriors who already don't like you.
(Seska's smiling face moves into view on the screen)
Joel:
Hi! I'm Seska! And I'll be your smug antagonist tonight!
Tom:
Seska - refreshing citrus soda!
Seska: (mock sweetness) Hello, Chakotay!
Chakotay: Its...Seska!
Crow: [Dubbed Japanese voice] RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! IT IS SESKA!
Tuvok: Commander Chakotay, you are visibly trembling with rage.
Joel: Yeah, Chakotay! She's just a Cardassian double agent who betrayed your trust, nearly had you killed and used your genetic material to impregnate herself without your consent. Why the angry face?
Chakotay: I...I can't believe it!
Tom: [Chakotay] Didn't you die a few years ago?
Seska: Why are you so surprised? My scaly Cardassian face is bound to show up in some conspiracy-related plot, about, oh, every week or so.
Tom: She's got a point there.
Kazon: Seska, let's blow up their ship!
Tom:
BUT...
Joel:
Just let it go, Tom.
Seska: Silence, male underling!
(she reaches behind and gives him a fast wedgie)
Kazon: OW! Yes, Seska!
Crow:
Guys? You beginning to think we're just not giving wedgies in the
right way?
Tom:
[Mighty Announcer Voice] Yes! You too can bring entire warrior races
to their knees with the power of THE WEDGIE!!!
Seska: That's MAGE Seska, male worm!
Joel:
"Mage?" They've been exposed to Magic: The Gathering too?
Tom:
I'll believe that would work much faster than wedgies to cow a
society.
Kazon: I mean, YES, Mage Seska!
Seska: That's better. Now tell the captain our terms.
Kazon: Uh, yes, Mage. We're willing to make a deal Captain.
Janeway: I'm listening.
Joel: [Kazon] We're willing to give you 5.5% financing, but we're going to need a little more for a down payment...
Kazon: You can have your wedgie technology back--in return for transporter technology.
Tom: What?!? "Wedgie Technology?" That's like saying "Bird-flipping technology" or "Punch-throwing Technology"
Janeway: Over my dead body.
Kazon: That can be arranged. Fire weapons!
Tom:
NRRRGH!!!
Crow:
Get the extinguisher ready, Joel...
Seska: Belay that order!
(Seska gives the Kazon another hard wedgie)
Kazon: OOww! That hurt!
Joel: This is like watching Frank and Dr. F!
Tuvok: I now see the danger of wedgie technology. In no time, Seska has brought the entire Kazon race to its knees.
Tom: So they were so paryilized with fear of wedgies that they couldn't - oh, I don't know - SHOOT HER?!?
Seska: I'm giving them all our secrets, Chakotay! Like the power-wedgies you and I gave to the enemy, back in the days of wine and roses!
Crow: [Chakotay] I gotta admit - those were fun times!
Chakotay: I'll get you for this, Seska!
Kazon: We want your transporter technology NOW or you all die!
Tom:
EEEE!!!!
[Starts smoking. Joel douses him with an extinguisher]
Tom:
<SIGH!> Thanks, Joel!
Seska: I said, not YET, you miserable cur!
(Seska gives the Kazon another cruel, two-fisted wedgie)
All: OWIE!
Kazon: AARGH! On second thought, just TAKE the wedgie technology back! I don't know why we wanted this scourge to begin with! It's destroying us!
Joel: Wedgies corrupt. Absolute wedgies corrupt absolutely.
Janeway: I'll bet it is.
Kazon: Tuvok! Please, do as we discussed secretly: Erase Seska's frontal lobe of all wedgie skill and knowledge: Kazon Security Access Code Beta Alpha Four!
All: HUH?!?
Tuvok: Transfering authorization...Erasure complete.
Crow:
Da hell?!? Seska's got a chip in her head?
Joel:
Tuvok IS Charles Xavier IN "X-Men: Voyager!"
Kazon: Aha, Seska! Now I'm in charge again!
Seska: Y-y-yes, Mage. Sorry, Mage.
Tom: But that...And then... But she... [starts shaking]
Janeway: Now get the hell out of here, Kazon!
Kazon: Helmsman; back to the home world, Warp Two!
Crow: This fic just hit a wormhole to the WTF Quadrant!
(View screen goes out; the Doctor pops on)
Doctor: Well, Captain, Mr. Tuvok, you've saved the day. The threat of wedgies in the Delta Quadrant is no more.
Joel:
Well, technically it's not since they all know how to give wedgies.
Crow:
I guess they need to kill themselves.
Joel:
It's the only thing that makes sense anymore!
Tom:
[Makes anguished squeak, starts smoking again]
Chakotay: But how did they sneak on our ship to give us stealth wedgies?
Tom: [Smoking slightly less] Yeah! How did they?
Janeway: The wedgies were performed by virtual reality on the Kazon ship's holodeck. Then they were sent here in holographic form through sub-space transmission.
Tom:
BUT...THE KAZON... THEY DON'T HAVE HOLODECKS!!! [Smoking and
shaking furiously]
Crow:
I think we should take cover, Joel...
Torres: Why couldn't our sensors pick them up?
Doctor: They were transmitted through simple sound waves,
Tom: [sounding agonized] SOUND CAN'T TRAVEL THROUGH SPACE!!!
too high-pitched for humanoids to hear--much like a whistle only dogs can hear. I was slightly conscious of them, because they came in holographically, and I am a hologram. And Mr. Neelix was able to slightly sense the transmissions, as his people are descended from domesticated canine-like mammals on his home world.
Joel:
[Tilts head to one side, then the other] Nope. That makes no sense
from any angle.
Crow:
Wordy, yet confusing, and you can't really dance to it. I give it a
53.
Neelix: (giggle) Well, what can I say? Woof woof!
Joel
and Crow: ARSENIOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAAAAAALL!!!
Tom:
[Glowing faintly] ...
Tuvok: But I got the clearest signal of all. After I mind-melded with the dog brain, I was able to sense high-pitched sound waves, and heard actual Kazon voices on our ship.
Crow:
So reading dog's minds can give you super hearing?
Joel:
Tuvok in Grant Morrison's "Animal Man!"
Torres: ...Which were projected here from THEIR ship! DAMMIT, DAMMIT, I should have known!
(Torres punches and kicks console; it cracks, and sparks fly)
Crow:
Whoa! Decaf!!!
Tom:
[Glowing brighter] NNNNN...
Janeway: Easy, B'Elanna
Chakotay: Captain! Stop picking on her because she's Maquis!
Joel: She kinda hasn't mentioned the Maquis since - what? Since season three?
Tuvok: All of my ears became quite sensitive to the sounds. After that, we merely contacted the Kazon, and offered to meet.
Crow: Umm... I'm completely lost here.
Janeway: What do you mean ALL your ears; you only have two.
Tuvok: I do not. I have three. Only two are visible.
Joel: [Tuvok - Come on voice] Unless you ask me nicely.
Doctor: Mr. Tuvok is correct.
Janeway: THREE ears?
Tuvok: Yes, as do all Vulcans: A left ear...A right ear...and a Final Front Ear!
(they all laugh)
Joel
and Crow: GROOOAN!!!
Tom:
AIIIEEEE!!!! <<BOOM!!>> [Tom sits there with his head
smoking.]
Joel:
I think that means it's time to go... [Grabs Tom by his base. All
leave]
THE END
[6]...[5]...[4]...[3]...[2]...[1]...[ * ]
[In the background we see, Joel repairing Tom Servo. In the foreground are Crow and Gypsy.]
Crow: While Joel is patching up Tommy, Gypsy and I would like to talk to you about some disturbing things we saw in today's story.
Gypsy: In today's story we saw the wedgie - that time honored, good-natured torture technique - distorted and perverted into some sort of legendary source of terror.
Crow: We can only assume from this that some time in the future, the wedgie will travel from locker rooms and high school hallways, into some far away battlefield. Where it will become the unholy scourge it became in today's story.
[Joel and a newly repaired Tom step to the foreground]
Joel: You the reader can help prevent this hellish future. We urge you to use wedgies responsibly. Limit your wedgie use to only good friends, or to people you want to embarrass in a painful way.
Tom: And don't stop there. Teach you children the correct way to deliver a wedgie and instill in him the responsibility that goes along with it. Make sure he knows when to say wedgie.
Crow: There's so much you can do to help keep the wedgie pure! Start wedgie giving classes at the local community center.
Gypsy; You can start a neighborhood wedgie newsletter!
Tom: Petition your local school board to add wedgie to the curriculum!
Joel; You see, people of earth? Together we can make sure that the wedgie will survive for our children, and our children's children for generations to come. Help us, won't you?
All: [Singing] W-E-D-G-I-E... *WEDGIE!!!*
Joel: What do you think, sirs? [Hits Mads button]
[D-13]
Dr.F: You call that a disturbing look into the future, Boobie. But *I* call it inspiring! I've been experimenting for years on wedgie techniques. And that story... <SNIFF!!> It gives me hope that all my hard work will not be for naught. <SIGH!> Ah, the future shall be a glorious place! Push the button, Frank!
[Enter Frank, who seems to have the waistband of his underwear pulled up over his head and hooked under his nose.]
Frank: [Slightly higher than usual] Live to serve ya!
>>>FWOOOSH<<<
Dr F: I think we'll try for the chin today, eh?
Frank: Mommy...