Note: This originally appeared as my usual wrestling column at the late, lamented, DCCMM.Com, hence the unusual intro. Enjoy!

Normally, this column would be simply me riffing on WWF’s (lack of) recap section. But unfortunately, my VCR thought it was Wednesday, and didn’t tape SmackDown! (Damn Daylight Savings Time!). But, rather than skip this week’s column or simply fake it - which I could get away with - I’ll use this opportunity to pull some thing I’ve been wanting to do for a while.

So with no further ado, POV productions, in cooperation with CENTIPEDE DAMMIT! Productions proudly presents: What I Learned From Mystery Science Theatre 3000- SmackDown!

Butt-covering disclaimers: The characters from MST3K are the property of Best Brains Inc. All rights reserved. Ditto WWF, SmackDown!, etc. Or something like that. I can’t really do a disclaimer well, and if you’re reading this with a mind to sue, you’re already on the phone with your lawyer from the moment you saw the title]

[Song Intro - sing along! You know the words!]

(The scene opens with Crow T. Robot {Decked out in nWo Silver and Black} and Tom SERVO: {in Degeneration X Green and Black} arguing over the better wrestling organization)

CROW: C’mon, Tommy! We both know that WCW has both the history and the deeper talent pool behind it. It’s still the superior show!

SERVO: Oh, please! Look at the ratings. The WWF has been wasting WCW for months,and shows no signs of stopping. Face it Crow. No one wants to see Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair turn into sad old men before our eyes.

CROW: Old?!? What about Moolah and Mae Young. They could be Ric Flair’s grandmothers!

(Enter Joel Robinson to the foreground)

JOEL: [talking softly] Hi, everybody! Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I’m Joel Robinson, and those are my little robot buddies, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot. The Mads told us that today’s experiment would be pro wrestling oriented. So my
little buddies decided to get into the mood with a discussion about the superiority of one wrestling fed over another.

SERVO: [ yelling] And the effects on society!

JOEL: Right. And the effects on society. Let’s listen. [Ducks out of frame]

SERVO: Get with the times, Crow! WWF Attitude is where it’s at! It’s cutting edge It’s exciting! It’s...

CROW: It’s gimmicked up crap! Give me actual wrestling! Give me action! If I want two hours of costumes and catchphrases, I’ll toss in a Superfriends tape.

JOEL: [Popping back into frame] It’s all a matter of preference, really. Both have their strong and weak points. And anyway, they’re both inferior to good old Extreme Championship Wrestling.

BOTS: ECW?!?

CROW: That low rent Friday night crap?

SERVO: [Sarcastic] Oh, yes Joel. Mike Awesome throwing Spike Dudley through six dozen table three times a week? OOOH, give me more of that.

CROW: That’s what I’m screamin’!

JOEL: My bots; Slaves to pop culture. We’ll be right back.

[Cut to commercial]

(Back out of commercial, we see Joel standing in between the bots, keeping them from jumping each other.)

CROW: Oh yeah? Well, Vince McMahon is nothing but Jerry Springer on steroids!

SERVO: Yeah? Well I got two words for ya’, beak boy: SU..

JOEL: [Covering SERVO:’s mouth] Don’t even think about it! Anyway, Gerald and Pat are calling. [Hits button.]

(Cut to Deep 13, where Dr. Forrester and TV’s Frank are dressed up like the Dudley Boyz for some reason, with the "Dudley" on the front changed to "Mad" and the "3-D" on the back switched with "D-13".)

DR. F: Ahhh! Good evening, Joel. I see you’ve been letting your little luchadores watch wrestling. Good. Nothing like gratuitous violence, profanity, sexism, and racism to put some hair on your little metal chests, aye?

FRANK: [Loudly, giving the ‘3-D’ hand signal] TESTIFY!

DR. F: Frank, I told you...

FRANK: D-Frank

DR. F: What?

FRANK: I told you; my wrestling handle is D-Frank Mad!

DR. F: [Looking sideways at Frank] Right. Well. Let’s say you and the bots lead of with the invention exchange, hmm?

[Back up to SOL, Joel and the bots are standing around a device that looks likeclosed captioning machine.]

JOEL: Well, sirs. Our invention is based on the bilingual telecast.

BOTS: Huh-huh! You said "Bi!"

JOEL: Anyway, our invention, The Promo-Prompter, takes that idea, and sends it to the world of professional wrestling.

SERVO: It works like this: Anytime you see somebody on TV making some long and drawn out speech about world peace or the ozone layer or Calista Flockhart’s figure. Just flip the Promo-Prompter and the words are instantly broadcast to
you in Wrestlespeak.

CROW: For instance, take this Kathy Lee Gifford spiel...

[Voice from the rafters]: Y’know Cody did the CUUUUUUTEST thing today...

CROW: You can set the Promo-Prompter for Generic Wrestlespeak...

KATHY LEE: ...And I just wanted to RIP HIS HEAD OF, AND STOMP ON HIS REMAINS! HE COULD NOT STAND UP THE POWER OFMY 10-INCH PYTHONS!

SERVO: Or you can customize with your favorite grappler’s rants. Say...The Rock, perhaps?

KATHY LEE: And you know what? IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT HE DID! IF YA SMEEEEE-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA WHAT KATHY LEE... IS ...COOKIN!

JOEL: Pretty neat, huh?

[The Mads are standing around a similar device]

DR. F: Not bad, Booby. But we’ve done you one better! Frank...?

FRANK: Thanks, Steve! If you’re anything like me - and I know I am- you’re always wishing would just run in from out of the back and pound on some smug, self righteous gasbag on some talk show, or your average whiny yuppie sitcom. And our invention, The Random Run-In Generator, gives you the power to do just that.

DR. F: Yes, just choose your target - say, Ally McBeal - set the Run-In Generator to ambush...

FRANK: And as Ally goes into some self-absorbed soliloquy, you can snap her out of it by having a random character snap her neck!

ALLY [Voice over]: {SIGH} Why is my life such a mess? Why can’t I find a steady boyfriend? Why...

LING: DIE, BITCH! [THUD!]

DR. F: Ooh, they might have to change the name of the show to "Ally McBleed"!

JOEL: That, sirs, is just evil.

CROW: I don’t know, Joel. Think of the fun you could have with a "thirtysomething" rerun!

SERVO: Or "The Brady Bunch"!

CROW: Oh, yeah!

JOEL: I hope you’re happy. You’ve corrupted my little bots’ minds.

DR. F: Of course we’re happy - we’re EVIL! It’s what we do!

FRANK: TESTIFY!

DR. F: One more of those, Frank, and it’s the box for you! And as for you, my little lemmings, you’re diving headfirst into the wild world of Wrestling recaps! I give you... WWF.Com’s SmackDown! Report!

FRANK: [Macho Man voice] HOOO, YEAH!

DR. F:[Turning towards Frank] Don’t ever do that again!

JOEL: Oh, man! We got Recap sign!!! [All scurry off screen]

7...6...5...4...3...2...1...[ -*-]

[Crow walks into the theatre, followed by Joel carrying Servo]

JOEL: Y’know, you guys? This might not be so bad.
SERVO: I dunno... Considering the usual quality of wrestling related crap we usually read.
CROW: Yeah, but these guys are professionals. They have to be good. Don’t they?
JOEL: We’ll soon find out!

Vince clears up the controversy

SERVO: With the power of Clearasil!
CROW: You can really feel it working!

One night after The Rock was screwed at WrestleMania,

JOEL: I thought this was wrestling. That sounds like gay porn.

the "Great One" pinned Triple H and walked away with the belt. However there was some controversy surrounding the match.

CROW: Yeah. Who the hell takes this crap seriously!

Who's the real WWF Champion?

JOEL: The real champion is inside of all of us.
CROW: AND HE’S GONNA SNAP YOU OUT OF YOUR SEAT THIS SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!

We found out on SmackDown!

CROW: Confused? You won’t be. After this episode of...

April 6 results

JOEL: I guess April 6’s brought May results.

The music of Rikishi

SERVO: [Singing] The Power of the music of Rikishi!

kicked off SmackDown!

CROW: The receiver takes the kick and...Oh, that’s gonna be fifteen yards for Drop kicking!

as the big man challenged Chris Benoit for the Intercontinental Championship.

JOEL: Does "Intercontinetal Championship" mean he can only defend the title on planes and stuff.
SERVO: I think it means he can only defend it in stretch Lincolns.

The new champion looked great against the larger Rikishi,

CROW: Yeah. The dimples in his ass really set off Benoit’s eyes.

defeating him via pinfall after a belly-to-belly suplex.

JOEL: Y’know? I’m pretty sure that you shouldn’t say "belly-to-belly" while talking about a fat guy.

After the match, Rikishi stuck his enormous rear end into Chris Benoit's face.

ALL: EEEWWWWWWW!!!
SERVO: Did they have to say that?
CROW: I’m just glad we can’t see it.
JOEL: Umm...Who’s the good guy here?
CROW: I think Rikishi is.
JOEL: And a good guy goes around sticking his ass in people’s faces?
SERVO: I think it’s best not to think too much about it.

Shane and Vince McMahon then addressed the capacity crowd.

CROW: My fellow sleezebags and degenerates...

Vince assured everybody in attendance that DX would be there, despite the rumors that they wouldn't be.

SERVO: [Mighty Announcer Voice] Wherever there is danger! Wherever people are crying out for a champion, DX will be there!
JOEL: Whenever a nation cries out for homoerotic combat, DX will be there!
CROW: To ease our cravings for off color catch phrases and soon-to-be-banned T-shirts, DX WILL...BE...THERE!
ALL: DX!

Vince then called out referee Earl Hebner to clear up the controversy surrounding the final match Monday night on RAW.

SERVO: [Western voice] Hebner! Come on out, you yella’ bellied coward!

Earl claimed that The Rock told him to count to three when he was pinning Triple H.

SERVO: Isn’t that his job? Should he have to be TOLD to count to three?
JOEL: I think maybe Mr. Hebner might be a little slow on the count. If you know what I mean?
CROW: [ Moron voice] Duuuuh...1. Duuuuh....2 Duuuh...Hey Rock! What comes after 2?

Vince threatened to knock Earl on his ass if he ever counted out Triple H in a non sanctioned match again.

SERVO: You’d like that, wouldn’t you Vince?

Vince then called out Lilian Garcia.

JOEL: [Western voice] I’m a callin’ you out, Missy!

He told the ring announcer that pretty faces are a dime a dozen, and threatened to fire her if she made a mistake in her announcements again.

SERVO: [Sinatra Voice] I can have you replaced like that, baby!

Vince then mentioned that J.R. made a similar mistake, however, J.R. never made his way to ringside.

JOEL: JR? Larry Hagman’s calling the matches?

Then, in an attempt to right the wrong of Monday night, Vince stated that he would team up with his son later in the evening to battle The Rock.

CROW:[Sean Connery Voice] Gentlemen; Battle the Rock!

After the commercial break, the fans in attendance got to see T and A,

BOTS: Whoo-hoo!
JOEL: T and A; brought to you by the number "7".
CROW: Joel, shouldn’t that number be... [Joel grabs Crow’s beak.]
JOEL: Don’t even think about it.

as Test and Albert teamed up to face the Dudley Boyz. Despite a great effort and a beautiful lady at their side,

SERVO: Whom we won’t bother to name.

T and A fell victim to the 3D and the Dudley Boys.

CROW: Who the hell are the 3D?
JOEL: I think that’s a move.
SERVO: I’m pretty sure that it uses plastic glasses or something.
JOEL: Hmm...Red. Green. Painful. Different.

After the match, Matt and Jeff Hardy attacked the Dudleys. The four Superstars went at each other up until the commercial break.

CROW: Alright. Who let Big Gay Al write this?

Perry Saturn and Tazz were scheduled to battle next.

CROW: [Cartoon voice] Blargh-gh! Tazz eat Perry Saturn!

However, the match never got under way. Saturn Pearl Harbored Tazz and the match was ruled a no-contest.

SERVO: He dropped a bunch of bombs on him?
JOEL: F-bombs, mostly, I think.

Al Snow and Steve Blackman battled the team of Bull Buchanan and Big Boss Man.

BOTS: Whoo-hoo! Head Cheese! Head Cheese! Head Cheese!
JOEL: Huh?
SERVO: Get with it Joel. That’s Snow and Blackman. That’s their team name.
JOEL: Why?
CROW: Well, Al Snow’s a crazy person who carries around a mannequin head.
SERVO: And Steve Blackman’s a big, tough, stoic guy with no personality.
CROW: And so to give their team a little "oomph", Al suggested that they call themselves "Head Cheese"
SERVO: Blackman hated it. But the fans went nuts for it!
CROW: So, there you go!
JOEL: I still don’t get it.
SERVO: {sigh} Poor dope.
CROW: Doomed to a life un-hipness.
JOEL: Unlike some guy who calls himself "Cheese"?
CROW: Well...

Boss Man and Bull got the victory when Bull hit Al Snow with a leg drop from the top rope.

JOEL: Boss Man? Good grief! I remember him from Saturday Nights’ Main Event!
SERVO: And this is a good memory?

In front of the capacity crowd,

CROW: Give or take a few thousand...

Eddy Guerrero then asked Chyna why she sided with him on RAW.

JOEL: Why ask why?

Chyna answered that she couldn't resist his Latino heat.

CROW: By Prince Machibelli!
SERVO: [Singing] I can’t seem to forget you, your Latino Heat stays on my mind!

Chyna then mentioned that Chris Jericho was always jealous of her.

JOEL: Well, she does have better developed muscles.
CROW: And she’s a bit bigger than he is.
SERVO: And she’s...she’s

[All pause.]

ALL: [Austin Powers] Blimey! She’s a man, man!

Y2J was quick to interrupt Eddy and Chyna's promo. Jericho absolutely destroyed the new couple.

SERVO: He played on their insecurities and fears.
JOEL: He planted the seed of doubt in their minds.
CROW: He beat them with sticks and rocks until his hands bled.

The Light Heavyweight Championship was on the line

JOEL: Isn’t "Light Heavyweight" an oxymoron?
SERVO: Like "Jumbo Shrimp"?
CROW: Bittersweet?
JOEL: Well made Joel Esterhaus film?

when Dean Malenko put up the belt against Taka.

SERVO: I...AM...TAKA!!!

As expected, the action was fast and furious.

CROW: So fast and furious that I won’t bother to relay any of it to you.

On several occasions, Taka nearly upset the Champion.

JOEL: Called him really nasty names and stuff.

However, Dean was able to pull off the victory after applying a Texas Cloverleaf.

CROW: Oh yeah? Well I can beat your Cloverleaf with my Tennessee Horseshoe!
SERVO: Well I can beat you both with my Arizona Rabbit’s Foot.
JOEL: Well I’ve got you all trumped with my Piggly Wiggly Lucky Charms.
CROW: [Gasps] Not the Lucky Charms!
SERVO: They’re magically delicious!

After the commercial break, Godfather and his ladies, which can be seen at WWFHo-Train.com,

CROW: I’m thinking that’s just camouflage for that whole gay thing.

competed against Big Show.

BOTS: [singing loud] WELL, IT’S THE BIG SLOW!

Show came to the ringside dressed as a pimp.

JOEL: My God! They’ve finally made "Doctor Detroit 2"!

The match ended when one of the Godfather's ladies aided Big Show on his way to the victory.

SERVO: And once again, we ain’t telling you how!

After the match, Big Show and the lady that helped him kissed in the center of the ring.

ALL: Aww!
CROW: I still say its camouflage!
JOEL: Lighten up, Crow. Sure it’s corny. But it helps to soften the edges of the relentless blood and violence that is professional wrestling.
SERVO: You just made that up. Didn’t you?
CROW: Well, it is one more woman who’ll potentially show us her...
BOTS: [Chanting] Puppies! Puppies! Puppies!

(Joel just shakes his head)

Kurt Angle and Hardcore Holly teamed up

JOEL: "Hardcore Holly"? Is that a biker chick?

to challenge Edge and Christian for the Tag Team Championship.

CROW: [Voice over] They’re big, they’re bad, and they’re blonde! Edge and Christian; they’re cops!

Unfortunately for Angle fans everywhere,

SERVO: Both of them...

his union with Holly turned out to be unsuccessful, as Edge pinned Holly for the pin after a super-super-

JOEL: -Deduper...
CROW:  Looper...
SERVO: Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper

plex. After the match, Holly attacked Angle.

SERVO: [Crying voice] Stupid ol’ Angle. You ruined everything!

Before the final match of the evening,

CROW: Shots rang out. People died. The end.
JOEL: C’mon Crow. It’s not that bad
CROW: I know. But it’s the principle of the thing.

Shane McMahon - who acted as the special guest ring announcer - introduced Triple H as the guest referee.

SERVO: Gee, I wonder where we’ve seen that before?
CROW: Gosh, I don’t now. Maybe EVERY STINKING MONDAY!?!

Shane then announced the team of Road Dogg and X-Pac before announcing The Rock.

JOEL: Before announcing The Rock what?
BOTS: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT THE ROCK WHAT!
JOEL: That didn’t make any sense, guys!
BOTS: IT DOESN’T MATTER IF IT MAKES SENSE!
JOEL: Stop it!
BOTS: IT DOESN’T MATTER IF...

[Joel grabs a bot with each hand and rips an arm off of each]

CROW: Hey!
SERVO: Now that’s just wrong!
JOEL: [Mocking] It doesn’t matter if it’s wrong!
BOTS: Grumble...

The Rock was at a severe disadvantage. Not only was it a two-on-one match, but Triple H's officiating was obviously biased.

CROW: Let’s see: The Rock is Triple H’s arch enemy.
SERVO: And Road Dogg and X-Pac are his running buddies.
JOEL: And all three of them are in there at the same time against the Rock.
CROW: I still don’t see the disadvantage.

DX held the advantage early on in the match, however, The Rock battled back several times, only to be shot down by poor officiating.

JOEL:[Southern voice] Y’see, you need at least a 40.06 official to bring down a Rock.

Mayhem broke loose

CROW: And crushed a Cub Scout pack in the front row. The end.
SERVO: Serves ‘em right.

when The Rock knocked out Triple H and then an interfering Vince McMahon with a steel chair. The Rock stood over Vince's limp body as SmackDown! went off the air.

JOEL: That last sentence seemed both wrong and confusing to me.

SERVO: Who cares? Time to go!

[All leave]

1-2-3-4-5-6-7 [ * ]

(Back in the SOL, Joel and the Bots are reviewing things on a chalkboard)

JOEL: So what have we learned, according to the anonymous recapper?

SERVO: That WWF matches apparently last about ten seconds?

CROW: And consist of about two moves.

SERVO: And Vince McMahon apparently exists to destroy The Rock.

CROW: Who is a cross between Superman and Shaft.

SERVO: Oh! And...Don’t trust midgets?

CROW: Snickers really satisfies?

SERVO: Mentos are the fresh maker?

CROW: Umm... I got nothing.

SERVO: Me neither.

JOEL: Guys, it’s so obvious. We learned that if you don’t need details to pull in fans. If people are reading this, they’ve already been hooked by show. They’re just tuning in to see what they’ve missed. Right?

CROW: I’m still siding with Tom. Don’t trust midgets.

JOEL: [Sigh] What do you think, sirs?

(back to Deep 13, Dr. Forrester has Frank in a head lock and is giving him a vicious noogie.)

DR. F: No time to talk, Joel. It’s time to bring the pain in on Frank. Lean over and push the button, Frank.

(Frank picks up Dr. F and heaves him in the direction of the button.)

FRANK: Push it yourself, old man! You’re goin’ down. WOOOOOO!!!! (Dives after
Dr.F)

>>>>FWSHHH!<<<<

Return To MSTindex