This is actually my third attempt at a MSTing. I wanted to find something a little different from the usual Anime/X-Files/Star-Trek targets. Who knew that the first hit off of a "’Scooby-Doo’ + ‘fiction’" search would be a lemon? I thought I was MSTing something like Helping Paws, (i.e., the writing itself isn’t that bad. {considering}) But as I got deeper into the fic, (If you’ll excuse the French...) the shit got sick!. As always feedback is welcome and appreciated. You can contact me at [email protected], for C & C, flames, like targets, or whatever.
And on with the disclaimers:
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and all related characters are the property of Best Brains, Inc. Scooby-Doo and all related characters are the property of Time Warner. The story itself is the sole property of IndianAsian, and he (she?) is welcome to it!
And the obligatory warning: If scenes of graphic sexuality involving cartoon characters (including one four - legged one) offends you, hit the back button. Otherwise, sit back and enjoy. (Or as much as that’s possible.)
{Show theme, Door Sequence}
[The Bots are dressed in PJs, sitting around an old TV. In front of them are huge bowls of some indistinct cereal]
Tom Servo: I tell ya’, Crow. Saturday mornings just aren’t the same since The Smurfs went off the air!
Crow T. Robot: I know what you mean! I... What?!?
Tom: I don’t the Smurf cartoon. I mean when it went off the air, it seemed to mark the end of an era.
Crow: And that era would be?
Tom: Era where cartoons were entertainment and didn’t try to be anything else. None of this E/A crap. No thirty-minute toy commercials. Just good old, sit-in-front-of -the-TV, turn-off-you-brain-and-eat-cereal entertainment.
[Enter Joel Robinson]
Joel: Hi, everybody! Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I’m Joel Robinson, and these are my little robot buddies, Crow and Tom Servo. So guys; whatcha up to?
Crow: Oh, Tom’s just bitter because "Big Guy and Rusty" got cancelled.
Tom: [Sobbing] They could have given it one more year! I mean...*AHEM* I am not! I just think that today’s cartoons just don’t measure up. What about Scooby-Doo? What of the Flintstones? Whither Road Runner?
Joel: Umm... Tom? You weren’t created yet when those shows were still fresh.
Crow: And besides, there’s a ton of cartoons on cable.
Tom: It’s just not the same, I tell you! It’s just not the same... [Breaks into sobs again.]
Crow: Don’t mind him folks. He’s just bitter.
Tom: *SNIFF* Am not!
Joel: We’ll be right back.
{Commercial Break}
[Coming out of the break, Tom is ranting about...something!]
Tom: ...And what’s the deal with Pokemon?!? "Pika, pika!" my hover skirted butt! And don’t even get me started on all those Pokemon clones. I mean the whole idea is absurd!
Crow: Man! Tommy’s on a roll today!
Joel: I know. I may have to cut off his supply of sugar frosted ram chips, if this keeps up.
Tom: [Turning on Crow and Joel] TOUCH THE CHIPS AND DIE, ROBINSON!
Joel: Definitely too much sugar. [Mad Sign flashes] Oh, great! Now Hanna and Barbarra are calling! [Hits button]
[Cut To Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is looking rather smug. TV’s Frank is bouncing around in the background like a pre-schooler off his Ritalin.]
Dr. F: Hello, by little lab rats. Let’s cut right to the chase: I don’t have an invention to exchange this week. I’ve been too busy trying to keep Frank from destroying the lab.
Frank: [Running by] WOOOOOOOO!!!
[SOL]
Joel: Gee, Sir. What happened to Frank?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: He ate what was supposed to be the invention: Sugar Frosted Crystal Meth Flakes.
Frank: [Running by again] YEEEOOOOWWWW!!!!
[SOL]
Tom: Now that’s just wrong!
Joel: And sick and evil and stuff!
Crow: Just how long has he been like that?
[Deep 13]
Dr F: [Checks his watch] I’d say...about three days.
Frank: [Manic Laughter from the background]
[SOL]
Crow: That’s...just so wrong!
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Well what do expect from me? I’M EVIL! And just for impugning my bad name, I’m sending you the first in a series of fanfics inspired by Helping Paws...
[SOL]
Joel: You’re gonna send us another Totoro lemon?!?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Don’t I wish! No, these fics are going to be in the "Wouldn’t be so bad, except for..." vein. And we’re kicking things off with a little piece of [Does finger quote thing] "erotic parody" called "Scooby Did"! Send them the fic, Frank!
Frank: [running past] AIIIIIEEEEE!!!
Dr. F: [Watching Frank run on.] Right. [Hits button]
[SOL]
Joel: WE’VE GOT LEMON SIGN!!! [All run off screen]
[1]...[2]...[3]...[4]...[5]...[6] [*]
[Crow walks in and takes his seat, followed by Joel, carrying Tom Servo.]
Tom:
Wait a second: Did Dr. F say, " *Scooby* Did"?
Joel:
I think he did.
Crow:
This is gonna go down hard! So to speak...
Tom:
Don’t start that this early!
Scooby Did!
All: BOY DID HE!
by IndianAsian
Tom:
I’d like to see how that guy fills out a census form.
Joel:
Probably "Other - Other" or something like that.
***
Crow:
...Raves Hustler!
Joel:
"I liked it better than "Deep Throat!"
Note: This story is an erotic PARODY of a children's cartoon.
Crow: Let’s take a moment to ponder how truly wrong that statement sounds...
It is not approved by the original creators of the characters which are PARODIED here.
Tom:
I think most of whom are dead.
Crow:
The creators or the characters?
Tom:
Either way, somebody’s rolling over in their graves over this.
Though we do believe that the right to PARODY is protected by the United States Constitution,
Crow:
Like every weirdo in the country hasn’t used that defense!
Joel:
And it’s not like anyone’s going to bother to tell them
they can’t.
Tom:
Unless, of course, it starred Barbie. Then Mattel’s lawyers
would sue them out of existence.
we are willing to remove this story at the request of the creators of the original cartoon. Thanks and enjoy.
All: Don’t bet on it!
The Mystery Machine stopped, rattled, backfired a puff of blue smoke, and stalled.
Joel: [Fred] I told Shaggy to stop hiding his stash in the tailpipe!
The side door slid open and Velma climbed out.
Crow:
Unfortunately she forgot her glasses, and immediately tumbled off a
cliff. The end.
Tom:
You’re going dark awfully quickly!
Crow: I know...
She squinted at the house, polished her glasses on the edge of her sweater, and took another look. "Zoinks,"
Tom: Velma said "Zoinks?"
Shaggy said,
Tom: Sorry! Jumped the gun!
poking his head out of the window. "Like, what a creepy pad."
Joel: Aren’t they always?
The house was large and rambling, perched broodingly on a hill. It was grey with black trim, surrounded by a rusty iron fence with arrowhead points. The yard was waist-deep in weeds. In the evening light, shadows gave the house a cadaverous appearance.
Tom: So you’re saying that it was the same spooky old, abandoned mansion that the Scooby gang seems to trip over in every episode?
The broken-out windows gaped like empty eye sockets and mouths. Weather vanes and chimneys were starkly silhouetted against an ominous sky.
Crow: A little flowery for Scooby-Doo, isn’t it?
The front doors opened and Freddy and Daphne got out.
Crow:
And immediately, the guitar licks kicked in.
Joel
and Tom: BOMP CHIKA WOW! BOMP CHIKA WOW!
The four of them stood in silence, studying the house. Inside the van, Scooby's teeth chattered from his hiding place under a bunch of blankets.
Crow:
Velma dearly hoped Scooby wouldn’t dig too deeply under those
blankets, and find "Mr. Vibes!"
Tom:
[Makes Chainsaw noises]
Joel:
[trying not to laugh] Stop it, you guys!
"Well," Velma finally said, "it looks haunted, all right."
Joel: Wow! She really is the brains of the outfit!
"I told you," Freddy said. "It is." "How did you hear about this place, Freddy?" Daphne wrapped her arms around herself and shivered prettily.
Tom:
There’s the first warning sign.
Joel:
All ye who proceed, abandon all propriety.
"Hey, like, I thought we were going to Pirate Days," Shaggy protested.
Crow: [Whiny Kid Voice] But I wanted to be a pirate!!!
"Nobody said anything about haunted houses."
Tom: When do they ever?
"The Pirate Days Festival doesn't start until tomorrow," Freddy said. "We can explore the house, look forclues, and still make it in time."
Joel:
Look for clues for what? Don’t they usually have to run into
some guy in a rubber monster suit first?
Tom:
I’m pretty sure the author’s saving up his details for
"later".
Crow:
Heh, Heh, Heh!
"But I don't want to miss the pie-eating contest!" Shaggy rubbed his skinny gut. "Like, all the pies you can eat, and if you eat the most, you win a prize!"
Joel: [Fred] Look! We have to stick to the script! So the munchies will have to wait!
"There will be plenty of time for that, Shaggy." Velma took a few steps closer to the house, her round face alight with excitement.
Crow:
And yet another description of a body part.
Tom:
This is like putting up direction signs to a mountain range. You can
see it on the horizon, but someone wants to point the way, anyway.
"This one could really be the one!"
Tom:
The "one" what?
Joel:
The one to take home to mother?
Crow:
If she breaks into song, I’m leaving!
"According to the legend, it was built in the 1800s by a river pirate. You can just see the river over there."
Crow:
[Daphne] I wonder what those men by the banks are doing with that
rolled up carpet?
Tom:
Wouldn’t it be nice if we knew where they were, or why they were
there?
Joel: The where doesn’t really matter right now. As for they why? Well...
Crow:
Heh, heh, heh!
Freddy pointed. "The man, Captain Boothe, made a fortune plundering ships carrying timber, furs, and liquor to and from the harbor. He lived here, with his wife, until he was murdered by his crew in a fight over shares of the booty. His wife waited and waited for him to come home, watching from that topmost cupola for the signal lanterns on his ship.
Crow:
And you know this how...?
Tom:
The same way they can end up driving through China with the Harlem
Globetrotters: They just do!
They say she died there, and her ghost is still waiting for him to come home. Sometimes, you can hear her weeping or calling for him."
Crow:
[Fred] And on Friday nights, they say you can hear her moaning the
name "Beauregard." They haven’t figured out why.
Joel:
Crow!
"So that's why the college team is called the Pirates, and why they have Pirate Days," Velma said happily.
Tom:
Wait a minute! Did Velma just say all of that or did Freddy?
Joel:
Just setting the stage for the upcoming sex scenes. The details don’t
really matter at this point.
Crow:
But what’s the point! I mean we all know this is going to end up
with Fred nailing Daphne in some overly graphic fashion. And then,
maybe Velma. And then... [pauses] Oh NO!!! I just remembered!
Joel
and Tom: What?
Crow:
Don’t you see? This is a lemon! A lemon starring Scooby-Doo!!!
Joel:
Yeah, but I don’t see how that makes...any...Oh boy!
Tom:
Now fellas... Don’t go getting all panicky! For all we know,
it’s just one big Fred/Daphne scene.
Crow:
I know...but...[sniffs]...what if Oscar shows up?
[Slight
pause]
All: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Joel:
Calm down, everybody calm down! For all we know, this author doesn’t
know who Oscar is, and we don’t know if he plans on having
Scooby involved in any way. Now lets just bear down and riff like
crazy. Are you with me?
Bots:
Yes Sir!
Joel:
I CAN’T HEEEEAR YOU!!!
Bots:
YES SIR!!!
Joel:
Alright! Now, let’s put this fic in its place!
"It all makes sense. But how do you know about this?" "My cousin belongs to a fraternity at the college. To join, he had to spend the night in the house as part of his initiation. When I told him how we've been going around looking for ghosts, he told me the story."
Tom: She has a cousin, does she? [Church Lady] How conveeeenient!
"Did ... did he see a ghost?" Shaggy was pale.
Joel: Sure he did! But then the DT’s passed and he was fine.
In the van, Scooby's teeth chattered even louder.
Tom:
[Daphne] NOOOO! Bad dog! Bad dog! Put down Mr. Vibes!
Crow:
[Does chainsaw noise]
"He saw something," Freddy said solemnly.
Tom:
Wait, wait! Now was the cousin Velma’s or Fred’s?
Joel:
Just smile and nod, Tom. Smile and nod.
"He wasn't sure if it was a ghost, but it looked like a woman in a long nightgown and kerchief, carrying a candle.
Crow: Then maybe it was just a woman in a long nightgown?
He said he could see right through her."
Crow: Okay, a really thin woman?
"That sounds like a real ghost to me!" Velma said.
All: Sure it does!
"At last! All these times, finding nothing but conspiracies and slide-projectors and glow-in-the-dark paint, at last we've found a real ghost! I'll be able to get some real research material for my thesis!"
Joel: Thesis? Is this Scooby Doo - The College Years?
"Oh, Velma, that'll be great!" Daphne enthused. "You've spent so much money on this, practically your whole inheritance. I'm so glad we might finally find something real!"
Crow: Ding! Ding! Ding! We
have a plot contrivance!
Tom:
So Velma is some sort of heiress?
Joel:
I think this is the author’s way of saying he’s an actual
fan of the show, and isn’t just using the characters for some
cheap thrill.
Tom:
And you actually believe this?
Joel:
Not really, no.
"Well, what are we waiting for?" Freddy said. "Come on, Scoob. It'll be dark soon." "Rye row," Scooby said.
Crow:
Ohhh boy! Here we go!
Tom:
Stop it , Crow. It’s a Scooby Doo fic. You’re going to get
the "R’d" up words. Deal with it!
Joel:
Yeah, you should really just relax.
"Ry'll rstay right rhere." "How about for a scooby snack?" Freddy wheedled, shaking the box. "Ruh-uh. Ruh-uh." "Two scooby snacks?" Pause. "Rno." Daphne took a snack from the box and tossed it into the van. The lump of blankets shifted, and Scooby's big pink
All: NOOOOO!!!
tongue
All: Whew!!!
slithered out to scoop up the treat. His wagging tail thumped against the floor. "Come on, Scooby Doo, where are you?" Daphne crooned, waving another snack in the air. Shaggy was watching with undisguised lust.
Joel: Oh boy! Brace for impact, guys!
Finally, it became too much for him and he snapped the snack from Daphne's fingers just as Scooby emerged from the van.
Tom:
False alarm!
Crow:
Boy! What is in those Scooby snacks anyway?
"Rhey!" the dog complained. "Oh, here's one for you," Daphne said, tossing one. Scooby jumped for it. Shaggy jumped also. The two of them collided mid-air and collapsed in a big ungainly heap.
Tom:
[Chuckling] Good ol’ Shag and Scoob! Always good for a cheap
laugh!
Crow:
You know? Outside of not knowing who the hell is talking half the
time and not knowing where the hell they are, this isn’t half
bad.
Joel:
Yeah! This almost reads like a standard TV episode. Outside of Velma
being an heiress, of course.
"Will you two quit messing around?" Velma scolded. "We've got a ghost to catch!"
Tom: Ahhh, it’ll probably be Old Man Smithers with some sort of mirror thingy!
With Freddy in the lead, Velma close behind him, Daphne in the middle, and Shag and Scoob bringing up the rear,
[Joel and the Bots start humming the incidental music from Scooby Doo]
they went through the rusty squeaky gate and up the overgrown path to the porch. A swift flicker of light in an upstairs window. "Did you see that?" Velma gasped, clutching Freddy's arm painfully tight and pointing up. It was gone, if there had been anything there. "Probably just the reflections of a car's headlights in the window," Freddy said.
Crow:
Is is too much to hope for that they’ve stumbled onto a meth lab
filled with armed psychos?
Tom:
I think so, yeah.
Joel:
That’s a little too dark, guys.
"No, it couldn't be," Daphne argued. "The windows don't have glass. And there's nothing out there but the river."
Tom: [Singing] Take me to the river! Drop me in the water!
"Maybe it was the ghost!" Shaggy gasped. Scooby whimpered and plunged his head to the ground as if he thought he was an ostrich.
Crow: [Know it all voice] Y’Know ostriches don’t really stick their heads in the sand like that!
"Hurry!" Velma trotted up the steps. Her skirt flapped, giving Freddy a flash of sensible white cotton panties and strong pudgy thighs.
Crow:
VRREET!!! VRREET!!! WARNING!: You have reached the point of no
return! To proceed is to risk exposure to extreme "Adult"
content! WARNING!
Joel:
"Pudgy?" Now, that’s not right! Did IndianAsian ever
see a beach episode? Velma’s got a great figure. It’s that
damn sweater that ...gives...her...
[The
Bots are staring warily at Joel]
Joel:
So I had a thing for Velma when I was a kid! Bite me!
Daphne saw it too and gave him a sly sideways smile.
Crow:
Isn’t this usually the part of the video when a blanket and
pillows appear out of nowhere?
Joel:
Or a hairy naked guy wanders in.
Shag and Scoob were staring up at the house with resigned dread, not looking at her, so she raised the skirt of her blue dress enough to show him that her purple stockings ended mid-thigh and were supported by lacy garters.
Tom:
I thought they waited until Velma took off with Shaggy and Scooby
before they started that.
Crow:
Folks? Ever wonder what really happens when Fred and Daphne
disappear? You’re about to find out!
Joel:
You’d think Fred would pair off with Velma once in a while, just
for the variety.
Crow:
JOEL!!! I’m SHOCKED!!!
Joel:
What? That I’d say something like that?
Crow:
No, that you beat me to it!
Freddy's eyes widened and he grinned.
Crow: [Moron] Hur, hur!!! I’m gonna’ get sex ‘n’ stuff!
As Velma crossed the porch, the door swung slowly open. Creeeeeaaak.
Tom: Dawson’s Creeeeeaaak?
Scooby and Shaggy clung to each other like a couple of pre-teen girls in a thunderstorm. Velma paused. "Hello? Is anybody there?"
Joel:
[Deep threatening voice] NO! GO AWAY!!!
Crow:
[Shaggy] Like, you heard the man! Let’s split!
No answer. She looked back at the others. Daphne nodded encouragingly.
Tom: Daphne gives Velma the signal. There’s the wind-up... the pitch... Strike three! It’s over! The Giants won the pennant! The Giants won the pennant!
[Joel and Crow make cheering noises]
Tom: Come on guys, time to go!
[All leave]
[6]...[5]...[4]...[3]...[2]...[1]...[ * ]
[Back at the SOL, Crow is standing in front of a chalkboard. The board is full of scientific looking symbols and numbers, all pointing towards some oval shaped drawing]
Crow: And that concludes this lecture. Any questions?
Tom: So you’re saying that Scooby Snacks are made of Lay’s potato chips...
Crow: No one can eat just one!
Joel: Assorted Sara Lee deserts...
Crow: Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee!
Tom: Pringles...
Crow: Gives you the fever for the flavor!
Joel: Honeycomb...
Crow: Crazy cravings!
Tom: And amphetamines?
Crow: How else do you explain the sudden burst of energy?
Tom: So why don’t they effect the others like that?
Crow: Cause none of the other could choke the crap down! I mean look at this stuff!
Joel: And speaking of energy boosts, I wonder how Frank is doing.? [Hits Mads button]
[Back at Deep 13, Frank is strapped to a gurney, twitching like he was being electrocuted..]
Frank: Lemmeoutlemmeoutlemmeoutithurtsithurtsmakeitgoawaysteve! AHHHHH!!! GETEMOFFME!!! GETEMOFFME!!
Dr. F: Oh, don’t mind us, Joel. I’m just waiting for Frank’s antidote to arrive.
[SOL]
Tom: How’d you finally nab Frank?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Oh, I had Jerry and Sylvia dig some pits. Played hell with the linoleum, but we got him! Ah! Here comes the antidote!
[Torgo’s theme plays, and in shuffles Torgo himself.]
Torgo: You CallEd, DoCToR ForRSTeR?
Dr F: Ah, yes. Torgo. I need about 40cc of your blood to cure Frank.
Frank: WHAT?!? NOOOOOO!!!
Dr. F: Calm down, Frank! We need to try to slow you down! And since we don’t have time to got the black market or experimental route, I thought of Torgo. Besides, look at him! If he were any slower, he’d travel back in time.
Torgo: WeLL, I DO mY BesT!
Dr. F: Right, now just roll up your sleeve and we’ll get this over with! [Reaches off camera and pulls out a syringe as big as he is.]
Torgo: I ThOuGhT YOu SaId ThaT YoU OnlY NEEdeD 40 Ccs of mY BlOOd!
Dr. F: And it’s clearly marked as such, see? [Points to a marking about a foot from the top of the syringe] Now, roll up your sleeves and we’ll get this over with.
Torgo: BuT ThAt’S GoiNG, To HURt anD StuFf!
Dr. F: [Singsong voice] You’ll get some cookies and juice when you’re done!
Torgo: OH! WeLl. SinCe YoU PUt thaT WaY! [Rolls up sleeve]
Dr. F: [Looks at camera] This may take a while! So you boys run along back to the theater and finish the fic. The best part is yet to come! So to speak. [Makes ready to jab Torgo.]
[SOL]
All: WE GOT LEMON SIGN!!! [Scurry off]
[1]...[2]...[3]...[4]...[5]...[6] [*]
Joel:
I wonder how they’re going to fit Shaggy into all of this?
Crow:
I SO don’t want to think about that!
"Hello?" Velma tried again, pushing the door the rest of the way open. Darkness. Silence.
Joel:
Emptiness.
Tom:
Stillness.
Crow:
[Deep voice] DEATH!
All:
CALVIN KLEIN!
Then a faint, faraway wail like that of a griefstricken woman. "It's her," Freddy whispered. "Captain Boothe's wife!" "Um, why don't Scoob and me wait out here?" Shaggy suggested. "You know, like, to stand guard."
Tom: Sure! Stand guard in the dark. In the middle of nowhere. In front of an abandoned mansion.
"Sure," Daphne said. "It won't be too dark and scary standing out here all alone, next to a haunted house."
Crow: Good call, Tommy!
Shaggy uttered a high shaky laugh. "Well, if you put it like that ..."
Joel: [High, shaky voice] I’ll just sit out here and die, then!
"Come on," Velma urged. They entered the house, moving with the stealth born of months of creeping around supposedly ghost-infested houses, amusement parks, recording studios, and hotels.
Crow:
Well how good could they be at it? They were getting chased and tied
up all the time!
Joel:
Actually, it’s pretty easy to be stealthy, when there’s no
one around to hide from.
Freddy switched on one of their two flashlights, cupping his hand over the end to shield the glow.
Tom:
Umm...Why would he bother to turn on the flashlight, if he were
just going to cover it up?
Crow:
Is the answer "Smile and nod?"
Tom:
Why yes it is!
[Joel makes "ding, ding"
noises]
It turned his fingers momentarily blood-red.
Tom: [Fred in a Deep detached voice] All I can see, all I can think about is blood! BLOOD! BLOOD!
The front room of the house was spacious, filled with sheet-draped furniture. Old paintings of spooky-eyed people in antique fashions watched them warily from the walls.
Joel:
You know? I’ve always thought that there must be some sort of
warehouse full of all-purpose spooky paintings that cartoons and
mysteries go to for stock.
Tom:
[Announcer voice] So hurry on down to the Acme Creepy Painting
Warehouse! We got Forest scenes! We got portraits! We got group
shots! Eye slots of every size and shape!
Crow:
And if you order now, installation in the secret passage of your
choice is free!
Cobwebs thickly festooned the upper corners. Dust puffed up from the rug. Everywhere was the smell of age, mustiness, decay.
Tom: Shaggy really should shower more often.
"Your cousin spent the night here?" Shaggy said. "Like, he must have been one brave cat, or one crazy cat."
Joel: You mean I never told you about Cousin Simba?
"Shh!" Velma hissed. "Listen!" The wail, rising and falling, sobbing. And a new sound, a low and somehow sneaky shifting from an open doorway leading to the cellar stairs.
Crow:
You’d think that maybe they’d think that whoever that is
may not take kindly to being followed?
Joel:
[Old woman voice] You know how I feel about uninvited guests!
Tom:
[Norman Bates] MOTHER! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!
"Let's split up," Freddy suggested. "You three go upstairs, Daphne and I will look around in the basement."
All: SURE YOU WILL!
"Split up?" Shaggy asked, looking like he was about to wet himself at the very idea.
Crow:
Jeez, you only do this every episode! You’d think you’d be
used to it by now!
Tom:
Pot’ll do that to your memory.
Joel:
We don’t know for sure that Shaggy’s a pothead, Tom.
Crow:
Oh, come on! You’ve read "Signs Scooby Doo is a Drug Show".
I dare you to refute any of those.
Joel:
Yeah? Well, maybe I will!
Crow:
And that’s pretty good!!
Joel:
And I’m giving it back to you!
"We can find more clues faster that way," Freddy said.
Tom: He’ll find something that way!
"You'll be fine," Velma said.
Joel: Just be the sniveling coward you always are!
"Just stay close." She took the other flashlight and headed for the staircase. Shag and Scoob followed with all the enthusiasm of criminals on the way to the gallows. "I'll go first," Freddy said to Daphne
Crow:
[Daphne] HMPH! Just like a man!
Joel:
Crow!
Crow:
Oh, bite me! It’s fun!
as the others climbed to the second floor. He aimed the light down the cellar stairs, then cautiously proceeded down.
Joel: [Fred] Now which step did you say was bro..KENNNN...!
[Bots make thumping noises]
Daphne followed, her breath quick and warm on the back of his neck.
Crow: Suddenly, Fred felt the sudden, stabbing pain as Daphne sunk her fangs into his neck! His life draining away! He fought for his life, valiantly...!
[Joel hits him over the head]
Crow: Thanks! Needed that!
At the bottom of the stairs was a short hallway. An archway on the left led to a dusty old wine cellar.
Tom: Yeah, that’s the first place I always check when I’m wandering through a dark, dilapidated old mansion: The cellar
There was a door on the left, firmly closed. Daphne tried it. "Locked," she whispered.
Crow:
[Fred - Whispering] Why are you whispering?
Joel:
[whispering] So the pirates won’t hear us!
"Try this," he replied, pressing a key into her hand. "Where did you get this?"
Crow: [Stoner voice] My pocket!
"My cousin gave it to me."
Tom:
[Fred] Along with a stack of Playboys and a jar of Vaseline.
Crow:
[Daphne] EWWW!!!
Tom:
[Fred] Well I washed the key first!
She gave him a puzzled look and tried the key. The lock clicked and the door swung open on oiled hinges. Freddy reached past her and flipped a switch.
Crow:
Causing a short, electrocuting them both. The end. [gets up]
Joel:
Crow. [Shakes head] No.
Crow:
[Sits back down] worth a shot!
A gooseneck desk lamp came on, casting a harsh circle of light on the floor.
Tom: [Singing] The Circle of light!
Unlike the rest of the house, the room was clean.
Joel:
And also like the rest of the house, it smelled like ass.
Tom:
JOEL! You can’t play with Crow anymore! He’s a bad
influence!
Crow:
Hey!
The floor was covered with a nubby rug,
Tom:
What’s "nubby"?
Joel:
I think it’s a cute way of saying "lumpy shag."
a trendy burnt-orange couch was along one wall,
Crow: "Trendy burnt-orange?" Did Austin Powers write this?
a battered coffee table held a television with foil-wrapped rabbit ears, and the walls were covered with psychidelic concert posters and anti-war propeganda.
Tom: Probably got "Make Love, Not War" posters all over the place with "Not War" cut out.
There was a fridge humming quietly in a corner next to a two-burner stove and shelf of mismatched dishes.
Joel: Guys, I’m not sure, but I think they just broke into the Mod Squad’s hideout.
On the other side of the room was a doorway curtained with strings of beads that swayed and clicked. Beyond the beads was a small bathroom.
Crow: I’ll take "Unnecessary Detail" for $800, Alex!
Daphne turned to Freddy, her expression questioning.
All: DUHHHH???
He was grinning broadly. "My cousin's frat brothers set it up," he explained. They've got the whole house rigged, with tape players, projectors, sound effects, everything. They use it to scare pledges on their initiation. There's enough fake ghost stuff here to keep Velma and the others busy for a while." "You mean, there's no real ghost?"
Tom:
Is there ever?
Joel:
Well, there were the Straight-to-video movies where they did
take on some real monsters. And, if you want to get technical,
there’s also "The 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo", and .... [The Bots are staring at him] What?
Bots:
[Chanting ‘airball’ style] FANBOY! FANBOY!
"No real ghost." "You mean, we're finally alone?"
Crow: What do you mean "finally?" You run off together in every frickin’ episode!
"Yeah." "Oh, Freddy!" She ripped her headband off, letting her red hair spill gorgeously over her shoulders.
Joel:
And on to the floor!
Tom:
Looks like someone forgot to secure her wig!
He grabbed her and planted a kiss on her,
Crow: Countdown to unnecessarily graphic sex: T minus 20 seconds and counting!
giving her the tongue,
Joel:
His own we hope.
Crow:
Ewww!!!
kicking the door most of the way shut. She was all over him, squeezing his ass, tugging at his belt, running her fingers through his blond hair, hands everywhere, like she was one of those six-armed snake goddesses.
Tom:
She sprouted extra arms? Gross!
Joel:
"Six-armed snake goddesses?" What’s he thinking of?
Tom:
Maybe Pornia, Hindu Goddess of Smut?
He popped two of the buttons off her dress and she somehow wiggled out of it without letting loose of their lip-lock.
Crow: [Excited announcer voice] She’s got the champ in her dreaded Double Lip Lock! She’s not letting go! There’s no escape for Freddy now!
[Joel and Tom make crowd noises]
Underneath, she had her stockings, garters, silky panties, and a lacy push-up bra. Her tits drove him wild.
All:
[Manic Laughter]
Tom:
[Psycho voice] THEY’RE MINE! ALL MINE!!!
Before, he'd never managed more than a few quick feels, in their frustrating grope sessions in the back of the Mystery Machine while Shaggy was off at a fast-food stand and Velma was asking around about whatever local ghost story they were tracking.
Crow:
Whoa! Wait! Hold the phone! Is the writer saying that in all this
time, in all the times they’ve disappeared, they’ve never
gotten busy?
Joel:
Gee, Crow. I thought I was supposed to be the fanboy here!
Crow:
This is different! This is one of the running dirty little jokes of
the series: Fred and Daphne disappear halfway through the episode and
pop back up five minutes later like nothing ever happened. Now, this
schmuck tells us that that’s NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE?!?
Tom:
I’m sure IndianAsian will give us a good reason for that.
Joel:
Tom? It’s a lemon. The explanation probably will make less sense
than anything we could come up with.
Tom:
Just trying to keep a positive outlook. I’m starting to run out
of spare heads.
He'd gotten his hand on her pussy once, hot and wet,
Crow: Then it nearly clawed his eyes out for giving it a bath, then ran off.
but still hadn't seen if she was a natural redhead.
Tom:
The eyebrows, Fred! Check the eyebrows!
Joel:
That doesn’t always work you know.
Tom:
Okay, then check her chin hair! I don’t know!
Now, though, he was feeling flesh and hard pointy little nipples,
Joel: [Fred] Tha hell?!? Why am I feeling three nipples?
and she was rubbing his prick through his jeans. The one time he'd persuaded her to give him a hand job, he'd spurted cum all over half a sandwich that Shaggy had left lying in the van, and they'd almost been caught.
All:
EWWW!!!
Crow:
Now that’s just unsanitary!
Tom:
Not to mention unlikely! Shaggy leaving food behind?
There had been no time to get rid of the damn sandwich, and they had spent a bad day in fearful expectation. But aside from some comment from Shaggy about bad mayonnaise, the incident had never been discovered.
[All make gagging and heaving noises]
"I can't believe we've waited this long!" she panted, yanking on his scarf.
Joel: I can’t believe the author waited this long !
"There's never been a good time." He undid the knot before she strangled him. "Why can't we just tell the others?" "Are you kidding?" He got rid of his sweater. "You know what a prude Velma is! She'd kick us off the team, and she's the one with all the money. You think I want to get a real job?"
Tom:
Joel?
Joel:
Yes Tom?
Tom:
How do you make up backstory on something, yet still get the details
wrong.
Joel:
A lot like this.
Crow:
You guys do realize that that last sentence just guaranteed Velma
gets in on this, right?
"She'd be jealous anyway. She's got a crush on you."
Tom:
Well, of course she does!
Joel:
Well, it’s him or Shaggy.
Crow:
Or Scooby.
Joel
and Tom: EWWW!
Crow:
Oh, like you weren’t thinking it too!
He unbuttoned his pants. "Why the hell are we talking about Velma? Let's quit wasting time and fuck!"
Tom: Yes, yes! The faster , the better!
"Rwot's rin rhere?" Scooby asked.
Crow:
Fred, up to his wrist!
Joel:
CROW!
Tom:
That’s just sick!
Crow:
I can’t let Joel get all the good shots in, you know!
"Looks like the kitchen," Velma said, shining the light around. "Kitchen?" Shaggy perked up. "Like, let's look in here for clues!"
Joel:
You’re going to go poking around an abandoned mansion’s
pantry for snacks?
Tom:
In an average episode, He’d probably find something.
"There's not going to be anything to eat," she said. He shrugged. "We might as well look." "I wonder if Freddy and Daphne are getting anywhere,"
[Bots do the Beavis and Butthead laugh]
Velma said. She wandered over to investigate a large china cabinet while Shaggy started poking through cupboards. Scooby stuck his nose in an open drawer, then yelped in surprise as a large spider scuttled out.
Tom:
[Scooby] Cool! There’s a web in here with the word
"Extraordinary" spelled out!
Crow:
Salutations!
"What's the matter, Scoob?" Shaggy found the dog shivering under the sink. He bent down to try and haul him out. Thump! Rattle! "EEEEeeeee ..." Shaggy turned. "What was that?"
Tom:
Velma?
Joel:
Daphne?
Crow:
Fred?
Tom:
Chief?
Crow:
McCloud!
Scooby sniffed the air. "Rwhere's Rwelma?" "Yeah, man, where is Velma? I hope she didn't fall down another trapdoor or something."
Tom: Nah! She just ran off to join Fred and Daphne in some cliched lemon threesome. No biggie!
Daphne was noisy.
Crow: [Daphne] YES! YES! MORE! I LOVE THAT ASCOT THING! YES!
He had her spread out on the couch, kneeling between her legs, busily licking her pussy (natural redhead, question answered, and vaguely strawberry-flavored).
Joel:
New from Smuckers: Natural Redhead! In strawberry and lemon flavors!
Crow:
They had to discontinue cherry a long time ago!
Her heels drummed on his shoulders and back.
Tom:
She’s made of rubber!
Joel:
Either that, or she’s having a seizure or something!
She gasped, she moaned, she oohed and aahed.
All: OOOH! AAHH!!
It was a great show,
Crow: Especially the "encores"!
and he was glad he hadn't told her the rest of what his cousin and the frat boys used this room for.
Tom:
Pagan rituals?
Joel:
Illuminati meetings?
Crow:
Quilting bees?
He was glad she didn't know about the camera over the fridge, which was recording everything.
Tom: Oh, why not! Let’s make this even more perverted!
"Oh, Freddy! Oh, Freddy! You have to do it now! You have to fuck me!
Joel: [Fred] I thought that’s what I was doing!
Oh, I'm going crazy! Give me that big prick!"
Crow:
Rush Limbaugh?
Tom:
Ooh, what a burn!
He clambered onto the couch with her, sucking her perky tits.
Joel: Lemon cliché #342 - all breasts are perky DD’s.
She reached under him and guided his prick to her cunt. "Now! Now!"
Crow: [drill sergeant] NOW MAGGOT! GO! GO! GO!
she squealed,
Crow: Sque...
Joel:
If that’s a Deliverance joke, you’re getting a time out!
Crow:
Oh all right!
raising her legs. He rammed into her. She was slick and tight and her inner muscles clenched around him like an oiled fist.
Crow: How
does the author know what...
Joel:
Oh, Ick!
Tom:
I really don’t even want to think about that!
Her legs clamped his hips so hard it almost hurt. "Oh, God! Oh, yes!" she gasped. "Ooh, do it faster!" "You like it, huh?" he grunted,
Tom: Please! It’s a lemon! You could be nailing her with half a doorknob, and she’d be in ecstasy!
pumping her so hard and fast that the whole couch shook. "You like to be fucked?" "Yes! Yes!"
Tom: I believe I covered that!
Velma sneezed from the dust and brushed cobwebs out of her hair. She was sitting on a cold stone floor.
Joel:
It’s Stone Cold Stone Floor!
Crow:
[Steve Austin] And that’s the bottom line! ‘CAUSE STONE
FLOOR SAID SO!
Ranks of wine racks stood silent sentinel around her. Overhead, the trap door that had opened beneath her feet was closing. She jumped up and tried to catch the edge, but missed. There was no way to open it from below. She would have to find another way out.
Crow:
A trap door that closes on it’s own.
Joel:
And she just happens to land in the cellar.
Tom: And just try to guess where she ends up next...
ALL:
[Macarena] HEY...PLOT CONTRIVANCE!
She still had the flashlight, and made her way through the maze of wood.
Tom: And dust, and cobwebs, etc...
She began to hear strange noises, sounds like ... could it be?
Crow: A chainsaw toting maniac?
No, surely not ...
Crow: Hey, it was just a suggestion!
A wide bar of light shone through a door that was standing ajar, and from behind the door the noises were louder. Voices, familiar voices -- She threw the door open and gaped in horrrror. "Freddy! Daphne! Oh, my God!"
Joel:
[Velma] What are you doing to that sheep!
Tom:
BAAAAA!!!
"Velma!" Freddy craned his neck and saw her standing in the doorway, staring at his naked ass. "Who cares?" Daphne writhed under him. "Don't stop, Freddy! I'm about to come!" He pounded at her frantically, riding into the home stretch.
Tom:
[Race Announcer] AND DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME!
Crow:
Literally!
She clutched his hips and thrust her cunt up at him faster and faster. Her nails jabbed into his back. "No!" Velma cried,
Joel: SHE'S GOT A GUN!!
and dashed into the room as if to prevent the inevitable. Her feet tangled in Freddy's discarded jeans and she crashed heavily into the rug.
Crow:
And the point of that was...?
Tom:
Now wait! Was she trying to stop them because of jealousy or disgust?
Joel:
Or maybe the author thinks Velma is some sort of stereotypical klutz?
Tom:
Maybe he's just a dumbass?
Joel:
Probably.
"Oh, oh, OOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Daphne shrieked.
Tom:
Oh no! She's flatlining!
Crow:
CODE RED! CODE RED! I need 15 pages of a decent fanfic, STAT!
She went into such a frenzy of bucking and thrashing that Freddy was nearly thrown off of her. Then she collapsed in a dead faint.
Crow:
So...Women in IndianAsian's universe go into seizures and pass out
after really good sex?
Tom:
I guessing he hasn’t had that much experience with the real
thing.
"Did you hear that?"
Joel: It sounded like Daphne having an orgasm!
Shaggy gasped as the distant scream trailed away. "Ruh rghost!" Scooby's brown fur went dead white. "Like, let's get out of here!" Badittabadittabaditta -- Ziiiiip! as they ran in place for a terror-stricken moment before tearing toward the kitchen door. It was too narrow to accomodate them both and they wedged like a cork in a bottle.
Tom: A
classic Scooby bit, there. Yet I feel it’s missing something...
Crow:
It’s soul?
Joel:
A brain?
Crow:
[Singing] A heart.
Tom:
[Singing] Da Noive!
"Jesus," Freddy said,
Joel: [Ominous voice] Don’t drag me into this!
staring at Daphne. Her eyes were rolled back, her body was utterly limp. He withdrew his still-stiff prick,
Tom: [Fred] Maybe I should’ve washed the poison off first?
since going at her while she was out cold would be a tad too necrophiliac for his tastes.
Crow:
So he started slapping her, until she woke up!
Joel:
That’s so wrong, Crow!
Tom:
But, you have to admit: It’s totally in keeping with the theme
so far.
Joel:
Gotta give you that!
Behind him, he heard Velma groan as she pushed herself to hands and knees. "My glasses," she wailed. "I've lost my glasses!"
Tom:
Okay, that’s every Scooby Doo cliché there is, except for
"Those darn kids"!
Joel:
Look at the bright side: At least he got those right.
He looked at her, at the pendulous swinging of her tits under her sweater,
All:
HUH?!?
Tom:
So... Velma stopped wearing a bra?
Crow:
And doesn’t she wear a really large turtleneck?
Joel:
Freddy suddenly developed x-ray vision?
Tom:
Is the answer, "The author really needs another hobby?"
[Joel and Crow making "Ding, ding!" noises]
and then looked down at his rampaging prick.
Crow: RARGH!!! PENIS SMASH!!!
"You're going to lose more than that," he muttered,
All:
@_@
Crow: He wouldn’t...
Tom: He couldn’t...
Joel: He’d better not...
and jumped on her.
Joel:
What?!?
Crow:
Ladies and gentlemen: Freddy is officially Out Of Character.
Tom:
You mean they’ve been In Character up to now?
Crow:
Well, let’s face it; with Fred and Daphne, you don’t have a
lot of personality to work around. And I’m fairly sure "Rapist"
isn’t one of Fred personality traits.
Tom:
That we know of.
Crow:
True.
Joel:
[Muttering] This is so wrong!
"Freddy? What are you -- oof!"
Tom: No, that’s "Oaf!" As in "What kind of oaf writes this crap?"
as his weight drove her down onto the floor again.
Joel:
No, no, no! This cannot be happening!
Tom:
Joel, buddy! Ease up! It’s just a stupid lemon!
Crow:
An increasingly sick lemon, true! But we’ve gone through worse!
Joel:
But, you guys, none of those had anything happening to Velma!
Her questing hand struck her glasses and sent them skittering across the floor. He yanked her skirt up to her waist. "Something I should have done a long time ago!" He seized the waistband of her sensible good-girl panties and pulled them down,
Joel:
Okay, that’s it! I can’t take this anymore!
Crow:
Joel! Calm down, man!
Tom:
Yeah! Just close your eyes. Let the evil flow past you!
Joel:
Right! Let’s all just close our eyes, and let the bad stuff go
away. Yeah! That’s the ticket!
[All close eyes]
Joel:
Is it over yet?
Tom: Lemme check...
"Freddy, stop it!"
Tom: Umm...Nope!
[pause]
Joel:
Is it over yet?
Crow: Checking...
"I've got your pirate here! Prepare to be boarded!"
Crow:
Almost... and ...done! Paragraph’s over!
Tom:
What happened, Joel? Usually, it’s Crow or me who freaks out
like that!
Joel:
I’m sorry, guys. It’s just... It’s Velma!
Crow:
Yeah. I got the same way with Sailor Mars. But then, I see so much of
that crap that it doesn’t hit me like that anymore.
"Get out of the way, Scoob!" Shaggy said, struggling.
Joel:
[Shaggy] Lemme out of this fic!
Tom:
There you go! Right back in the saddle!
The dog's eyes rolled, showing the whites.
Crow:
His tongue lolled around. The life drained from his body as the hands
gripped tighter and tighter...!
Joel:
Feeling a little dark, Crow?
His fur had resumed normal color, but he was still in the grip of fear. Just then, something white floated across the hall in front of them. Pale, ghostly, a vague woman-shape, flickering across the walls.
Tom:
What’s Callista Flockhart doing there?
Joel:
Ouch!
They reversed direction and popped out of the doorway like two watermelon seeds pinched between a finger and thumb. Scooby tried to go under the kitchen table, got stuck, and kept running, taking it with him. He hit a swinging door and vanished into the pantry. Shaggy dove headfirst out the window and landed in a thick patch of weeds. He crawled away from the house as fast as he could, but was not fast enough to avoid hearing another banshee shriek. He ran to the Mystery Machine, climbed in, slammed the door, and locked it. Then he curled up in his seat, hugged his knobby knees to his skinny chest, and shuddered.
Tom:
You know, you really have to admire the way IndianAsian tries to
juxtapose comedy relief with the more serious... sex ‘n’...
stuff.
Crow:
You’re reaching Tommy!
Tom:
I know! This really, really bites!
Freddy rocked back and forth, fucking Velma nice and slow.
Joel:
<Groan!>
Tom:
Deep breaths, Joel! Deep breaths!
She had quit screaming and was now biting on her wrist, making muffled noises that might have been sobs but sounded suspiciously like moans of pleasure.
Crow: Of course! What woman wouldn’t like to get raped by a friend?
He let go of her hips to see if she'd try and get away again, but she stayed right where she was. He slid his hand back to her clit and rubbed some more.
Joel:
[Strangely Detached] I will kill him.
Tom:
Uh, oh. Looks like this fic has driven Joel to the dark side.
Crow:
Joel! Happy thoughts!
Tom:
Yeah! Think of how much of a freakboy looser this IndianAsian must be
to come up with something like this!
Joel:
[Still detached] Loo...ser...
Bots:
That’s the spirit!
"Like it, Velma?" he asked, thinking gleefully how this was going to look on film, how his cousin and his cousin's buddies were just going to freak out.
Crow: I got one word for ya, Freddy: Evidence!
"Going to come, Velma?"
Joel:
[Still detached] Cliché #124: Any act of sex will result in
orgasm. Cliché #74: Women eventually get into being raped.
Tom:
Man! He’s on autopilot!
She shook her head, but her cunt was clenching, and she was moving her ass ever so slightly to meet his thrusts.
Crow: Your
mouth says "no," but your body says...
Joel:
AAAAAHHHH!!!
Crow:
Hey! Quit stepping on my line!
Joel:
[Grasping head] The pain! The pain!
Tom:
Buck up, Joel! We’re in the home stretch!
"Mmm, ooh," Daphne said, raising her head. When she saw what was happnening on the floor, shock slapped the grogginess from her face. Her mouth and eyes made three perfect O's.
Tom:
You mean like...OoO
Crow:
How..?
Tom:
The wind, baby!
Crow:
But you don’t even have eyes!
Scooby huddled in the pantry, waiting for something to happen.
Joel:
Other than really horrible sex scenes!
Tom:
You had us worried for a second, Joel!
Joel:
It’s weird guys! It’s like I can’t feel a thing
anymore!
Crow:
So if I do this...[whacks him in the arm]
Joel:
Oww... Crow! I meant emotionally!
Crow:
Well you should have said!
When nothing did, he cautiously poked his nose out. "Rhaggy? Rhaggy?" No answer. No sign of the ghost, or of Shaggy.
Tom: Or his dignity.
His teeth clattered so loud that they drowned out the thunder of his heartbeat. When the spider dashed between his paws, he let our a yelp that was nearly ultrasonic and raced for the door.
[All laugh weakly]
Shaggy stopped shaking.
Joel:
The DT’s had passed!
Crow:
[Shaggy] Just one fix, man! C’mon!
He peered out the windows, but couldn't see any of the others. "Zoinks, I hope the ghost didn't get them," he said to himself. "Like, maybe I should go look." His stomach growled, reminding him that he hadn't eaten in half an hour. "Like, maybe in a few minutes," he decided.
Tom: Of course. Priorities.
There was a small fridge in the rear of the van.
Crow:
Was it next to the computer rig or the tool shed?
Tom:
I think it’s next to the pool table.
Joel:
I think it’s next to the hot tub.
Kicking clothes and luggage out of the way, he opened it up and surveyed the contents.
Joel:
[Shaggy] Let’s see: Fuzzy cheese, spoiled milk, green bread. And
some sort of glowing bowl of something.
Tom:
[Shaggy] I wonder where I put the leftover bongwater soup.
Crow
and Joel: Ewww!
In no time, he had built a large sloppy sandwich. Sinking his teeth in, he sighed in rapture. The joy of food was enough to give him a boner.
All:
What?!?
Crow:
Oh, man! Just when you thought this fic couldn’t get any sicker!
He pressed idly on his crotch with one hand while rooting through the fridge for the last eclair in a pink bakery box. Still chawing down on the sandwich, he balanced the eclair on his knee and opened his fly, taking out a cock that was as long and skinny as the rest of him.
Crow:
I did NOT need to read that!
Joel:
Well look at it this way: There’s no one around to rape, so this
scene will probably be pretty short.
Tom: Unless Scooby decides to show up...
Joel:
Tom!
Tom:
Man! I’ve been hanging around Crow too long!
Between bites of bread, meat, mayo, pickles, cheese, and onion, he nibbled the top off the eclair and sucked out some of the cream filling.
Crow: WARNING! WARNING! EXTREME WRONGNESS APPROACHING!
It left a chocolate-covered pastry shell with a creamy furrow that nicely fit his cock. Sandwich in one hand, he ate as he jerked himself off into the eclair.
All:
@_@
Tom:
But... It... I... AHHH!!! <BOOM!> [Tom’s head explodes]
Joel:
Right. [Takes out a tool box] Think you can handle things while I get
Tom online?
Crow:
<SIGH!> I’ll try!
"Oh, wow," Daphne said. "Oh, wow, Freddy, you're fucking her."
Crow: And logic! And continuity! And...
Velma looked around at her with huge horrified eyes. "Help me, Daphne! Help -- ooh -- help me!"
Crow: Well. So much for Velma being into this.
Daphne licked her pink lips. "Help you? Okay."
Crow:
Is this guy trying to reserve himself an entire wing of Hell? Joel, I
don’t think I can take much more of this solo! How’s it
going?
Joel:
Almost there. Just need to screw the spare head back on.
Crow: And speaking of "screw" ...
She got down on the floor with them, still wearing nothing but stockings and garters. She tugged Velma's sweater up to her armpits and unfastened her heavy-duty bra
Crow: Just what we needed to make this fic truly evil: Lesbian rape.
Velma gasped and squirmed, but Daphne's small hands were all over her, cupping her tits, tugging gently at the large pebbly brown nipples. Freddy pumped harder. "Unh, I'm going to come soon," he said.
Crow:
Don’t just say it: Spray it!
Tom:
Now that’s just disgusting!
Crow:
You feelin’ alright, Tommy?
Tom:
I’m feeling ok. But how about you, Joel?
Joel:
Still pretty numb.
"Hear that, Velma?" Daphne whispered in the other girl's ear. "Freddy's big prick is stuck right up you, and soon he's going to come, he's fucking you, don't you want to come too? Doesn't it feel good, all that thick hot cock slamming in and out?"
Tom: I can’t be positive, but I’m pretty sure turning Fred and Daphne into sadists qualifies as OOC.
Velma moaned. She was quivering now, her pale skin flushed. As Daphne spoke, she continued fondling Velma's breasts with one hand and started caressing her own pussy with the other.
Joel:
Oh come on! Leave the cat out of this!
Crow:
MEOW!
"It's making me hot all over again just watching you. You know what I wish?
Tom:
A decent fic to be in?
Joel:
A quick and painless, honorable death?
I wish you'd lick my cunt while Freddy fucks you."
Joel:
Am I the only one who thinks IndianAsian started typing this with one
hand here?
Bots:
Nope!
She laid back on the rug, spreading her pussy lips with her fingers. "Do it, Velma. Lick me."
Tom: [Velma] ‘Scuse me! Busy being raped here!
"Yeah!" Freddy said, biting his lip and trying to hold off. Jeez, this was more than he'd ever imagined!
All: Us too!
He hoped the camera was picking it all up!
Joel: I hope you’re in a state that still has the death penalty for rape.
"Do it!" He shoved Velma's head toward Daphne's waiting cunt. With a strangled cry of abandon, Velma buried her face between Daphne's thighs.
Crow: Freddy? Remember how you didn’t want Velma to catch you because she’d fire you? I’m pretty sure you just passed that point!
His mouth was crammed with sandwich, his cock surrounded by a sticky cunt of pastry and chocolate.
Tom: [IndianAsian] And just in case you didn’t think I was a big enough bastard...
Shaggy had never been with a chick, never cared to. All the satisfaction he needed, he got from food.
Crow: And pot!
When he came, he gasped a whole olive down his throat and nearly strangled, but didn't stop sliding his pastry-filled fist up and down. Jets of cum pumped out, turning the eclair into a soggy crumbling mess.
Tom:
Joel?
Joel:
Yes Tom?
Tom:
I want him dead.
Joel:
We all do,Tom.
Scooby folded his ears over his eyes. He had adopted a new strategy. If he didn't look, he couldn't possibly see anything to scare him.
Tom:
Of course, then you couldn’t see if there were anything that
were actually trying to get you, now could you.
Crow:
Scoob’s not exactly the brains of the outfit, you know.
So, blind, he took a wrong turn and fell down the cellar stairs. At the bottom, he righted himself, shook his head, and froze at the strange sounds. He sniffed the air. "Rwelma? Rheddy? Raphne?"
Joel:
[Scooby] Why do I smell motion lotion?
Bots:
Ewww!
Velma flung her head back. "Freddy! Yes! I'm coming!" "So am I!"
Tom:
Crow! Yes! I’m hurling!
Crow:
So am I!
He fucked her faster, his thighs slapping her ass. "I'm not!" Daphne cried petulently. She seized Velma by the hair and tried to force her back to licking, but Velma was caught up in the throes of her orgasm.
Tom:
Joel?
Joel:
Yes, Tom?
Tom:
Have I mentioned that I want him dead?
Joel:
I believe you did, Tom.
A startled woof caught Daphne's attention, and she turned her eyes to the door. Scooby Doo was standing there, a comical expression of surprise on his doggy face, his tongue lolling out.
Crow: Who could blame the poor mutt for being confused here?
A thoroughly wicked idea struck her and she acted on it at once.
Tom:
Oh, no!
Joel:
Ladies and gentlemen: I give you...The 9th circle of Hell!
Freddy always kept a couple of scooby snacks in his pocket for emergencies.
Crow:
Umm, why?
Tom:
Emergencies. And stuff.
Her cunt, aching for attention, told her that this was emergency enough. She fished the snacks out of his jeans as he and Velma collapsed into a sweaty, heavy-breathing heap. "Scooooooby," she crooned, waving the snacks. "I've got something for you, Scooby." His ears perked up.
Crow:
[Scooby] Hot diggity! Human poon!
Joel
and Tom: Crow!
Crow:
Bite me! It’s fun!
She took one of the snacks and pushed it up into her pussy, then crumbled the other one over her clit. Scooby whined, tail wagging uncertainly, and took a few steps toward her.
Joel: [Scooby] Scooby snack! Bestiality! Scooby snack! Bestiality! I’m torn!
She tilted her cunt at him invitingly. "Come on, Scooby Doo. Nice scooby snacks, come and get them!"
Crow:
Joel?
Joel:
Yes, Crow?
Crow:
Are we sure this isn’t Oscar writing this?
Joel:
If not for the grammar, I wouldn’t be sure it’s not.
"Daphne?" Freddy was gaping at her. She ignored him and coaxed Scooby closer. The big dog sniffed her cunt, then huffed a warm breath over it and started licking and slurping. His tongue was large, pink, slightly rough, and wet.
Crow:
In other words: AN ORDINARY DOG’S TONGUE, YOU SICK BASTARD!!!
Tom:
Preach it, Crow!
He lapped up all the crumbs, bringing Daphne right to the edge, then thrust his tongue deep into her, fishing for the hidden snack.
Joel:
Guys, I think we may have to give up expressing how wrong this fic
truly is.
Tom:
Did tend to run through the adjectives, didn’t we?
His cold nose pressed against Daphne's clit. She wrapped her legs around his head and humped his muzzle until she came, shrieking like a fire siren. The sight of Daphne getting eaten out by Scooby made Freddy horny all over again, though he would have sworn he was worn out.
Crow:
By the evil parasite that took over his body; forcing him to do these
evil acts!
Tom:
Nice try, Crow.
Crow:
Worth a shot.
He rolled Velma over (reeling from her orgasm and still without her glasses, she didn't know what was going on just a few feet away) and stuck his prick in her mouth. She started sucking eagerly, all resistance gone.
Tom: Yes... There’s nothing like acquaintance rape to loosen up those inhibitions!
Shaggy threw the ruined eclair into the weeds and washed his hands. He was full, content, and beginning to worry about Scoob and the others. He wandered around the outside of the house for a while, trying to work up the nerve to go in. Every time he was about to, he heard more ghostly screams and chickened out.
Joel: [Shaggy] I’m just a perv with food! I am not touching any of that!
In his wanderings, he encountered a long chain of extension cords leading from the house, but it never occured to him that this might be a clue.
Tom: It’s a little late in the game to start tossing in useless details, isn’t it?
"Zoinks," he said to himself, coming around to the porch again. "Like, where are they?"
Crow: [Shaggy] Like, they’re probably off having an orgy without me again!
He took a deep breath and prepared to go in, when they appeared. Scooby was first, licking his chops. "Like, where have you been?" Shaggy asked indignantly. "Did you find something to eat in there? Man, you better have saved me some!"
[All laugh weakly]
Daphne and Freddy exchanged a glance, and Daphne laughed. Velma was bringing up the rear, her glasses clutched in one hand and a dazed smile on her face.
Joel: And the name of her lawyer on her mind!
"So, like, did you find the ghost?" Shaggy asked. "There's no ghost," Freddy said. "It was all a hoax."
Tom: [Freddy] It was some lame excuse for the author to write down his sexual fantasies.
Send your SEX, AGE and fantasies to the author, IndianAsian.
Tom:
[muttering] I-n-d-o-...Hey, Crow? Have you still got that copy of
"E-mail Bombs for Dummies"? I think we just found someone
to try the "Perpetual Gay Porn Link Virus" on!
Crow:
I think I can dig it up!
Joel:
Let’s just get out of here!
[All Leave]
[6]...[5]...[4]...[3]...[2]...[1]...[ * ]
[Back in the SOL, the guys are sitting around with icebags on their heads]
Joel: Guys, I know we’ve done fics more graphic and violent, but have we ever done a fic that kept reaching new depths of wrongness like this?
Crow: Outside of an Oscarfic?
Joel: Naturally!
Tom: Then I’d have to say no!
Joel: Worse than "9 ½ Chipmunks?"
Tom: Steady level of wrongness there. This is worse!
Crow: "Chibi-Usa’s 7th Birthday?"
Tom: Didn’t get wronger with each scene: Worse!
Joel: Showgirls?
Tom:...Okay. I’ll give you Showgirls. It was just as deep in wrongness. But this...This is just so...Wrong!
[Mads light flashes]
Joel: And speaking of wrong... [Hits button]
[Back at Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is sitting in front of a PC workstation]
Dr. F: Oh, hello Booby! I was just looking up some more of IndianAsian’s work. [Mutters] Note to self: Velma violated = berserk Joel.
[SOL]
Joel: Yeah, what was the deal with that, anyway?
Crow: You said that this was going to be not so bad.
[D13]
Dr. F : No...I said, and I quote "these fics are going to be in the "Wouldn’t be so bad, except for..." vein." And I didn’t lie. "Scooby Did" wouldn’t have been so bad, if not for the rape, and the pastries, and ...you get the idea! In fact, I told Frank to see if we’ve got any in the reserve archives in the same vein. Oh Frank?
[SOL]
Tom: By the way, Dr. F? How did curing Frank go?
[D-13]
Dr. F: Well Torgo’s blood did the trick. Sure, there were some side effects, but those will pass. Eventually.
[Torgo’s theme plays and in shuffles...Frank.]
Frank: I foUnD soME MoRe Fics ThAT maY FIt ThE BiLL, StEVe!
Dr. F: Very Good, Frank. Now, push the button will you?
Frank: LIvE tO SerVE! [Pushes button]
<<FWOOOSH!!>>