Well, what can you say about a fic that tosses in an original character (who may or may not be a Mary-Sue), with Dragonball Z, Youriden Samuri Troopers (Ronin Warriors to the rest of us), Sailor Moon, Pokémon, and the X-Men, *AND* cameos from a half-dozen other series, American and Japanese?

Other than, "Please let me MiST it?"

And towards that end, thanks to Ms. Usagi Hoshiko for giving me permission to handle this fic and it's sequel. And I hope this lives up to your expectations.

For anyone who wants to know what Tom's later alien speech really says, go here. And a further tip of the hat to the creators of Haxx0rfish, an English-to-L337 translation program.

And as always, comments and random rantings welcome at [email protected]

And on with the disclaimers:

Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and all related characters are the property of Best Brains, Inc. Krista Hashiba is the property of Hoshiko Usagi. All other character are property of more companies than I have energy to name.

[[ Season Four Theme Song - Sing along! You know the words! ]]

 {We open with Crow in the foreground, in front of the main bridge desk. Tom and Gypsy are behind the desk. They appear to be arguing}

CROW: Calm down, everybody! Calm down! I'm sure we can come to a fair, equitable decision on this.

TOM: " Fair" my hover-skirted butt! You're just trying to make things better for yourself!

GYPSY: Yeah! You're the only one who ever complains about the ram chip situation. Why should one of us suffer because you're a greedhead?

{Enter Joel from the right}

JOEL: Hey, everybody. And welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Joel Robinson, and these are my robot pals - Crow, Tom Servo, and Gypsy. Hey, guys? What's all the racket about?

CROW: Well, we've been discussing...

TOM: Me and Gypsy have been discussing, you've been whining.

CROW: *WE'VE* been discussing the ram chip situation.

JOEL: What ram chip situation?

CROW: We decided that there is insufficient ram chip flow to sustain five separate ram-chip consuming entities.

JOEL: Five?

CROW: Yes, five: Tom, Gypsy, Magic Voice, Cambot, and Me. And we've decided that the best way to alleviate the current crisis is to contract.

JOEL: What do you mean, "contract?"

TOM: He means cut one of us off from the ram chips, the hog!

GYPSY: And there's only this so-called "crisis" because he keeps wolfing his down on the spot, he hogs all the leftovers, and he steals ours every chance he gets!

CROW: That is a false and hurtful accusation!

TOM: False?!? You took one out of my mouth yesterday and ran down the hall laughing!

CROW: Nonetheless, the best way to increase the supplies for all is to decrease the number of "all"... So, which one of you gets the ax?

MAGIC VOICE: Commercial Sign in fifteen seconds. And don't even try to drag Cambot or me into this! We don't even eat!

CROW: Well, that makes the decision that much simpler then!

JOEL: I think I've got a better idea.

MAGIC VOICE: Commercial Sign now!

JOEL: We'll be right back! {Turns to Crow} C'mere you little knuckle knob!

CROW: You can't contract me! I have... Immunity! Or something.

{Joel hits Commercial Button}

{{ Commercial - Budweiser: Repetition. Repetition }}

{We return to the SOL Bridge. Joel seems to have taken Crow aside for a heart-to-heart}

JOEL: And now do you see why sharing the ram chips is a simpler, easier, and better solution than just cutting someone out of the loop?

CROW: But why should I share my hard-earned chips with someone else just because they can't work as hard as me to get them.

JOEL: Well, one - you don't earn them. You get them from me. And two - you only work hard at swiping them.

CROW: Doesn't take away from the overall effort!

JOEL:<SIGH!> We'll talk again later. For now Bud Seilig and Peter Angelos are calling.

{Cut to Deep 13. Or what Deep 13 would look like if the entire screen weren't taken up by an up-nose angle close up of Dr. Forrester}

DR.F: Hello, my little minor leaguers! And don't let those naysayers get you down, Crow! "Take what you can, and steal the rest" is what I always say! Now if you're through with your little lesson in communism, let's get to the invention exchange, HMM??

[SOL]

TOM: Hey, what's with the extreme close-up, Doc?

[D-13]

DR.F: Our invention is too big for me to just pan away from, so what better thing to cover it up with than my handsome mug. NOW QUIT STALLING AND MAKE WITH THE INVENTION!!!

[SOL]

CROW: Touchy!

JOEL: Well, Dr. Forrester. Our invention is a set of updates on your classic Magic 8-ball. The first and simplest would be the Gen-x 8-ball.

TOM: Every single question is answered with "Whatever"

CROW: And then there's the Magic L88t-Ball.

JOEL: <Shaking the l88t-BallWill this week's experiment actually be good this week? Hmm... "§1Gñ§ p()1/\/t 70 /\/0" Umm...

TOM: "Signs point to 'no'"

CROW: But that one's not really for you, Joel.

JOEL: Right. My personal favorite is the Magic Farscape ball. I'll ask the same question, and it says... "You're Frelled!"

TOM: Neat, huh!

[D-13]

Dr.F: Hmm... Useless, yet frivolous. A lot like you guys! [chuckles evilly]. Now, feast your eyes on what a real invention looks like!

{Steps aside to reveal what looks like the transport pods from "The Fly", with a third smaller pod in the middle}

[SOL]

TOM: So you've got full size replicas of The Fly pods.

JOEL: That's neat and all, but it's not that hot as an invention.

[D-13]

Dr. F: Shows what you troglodytes know! The appearance of our invention this week is simply an homage to one of the icons of the Mad Scientist biz. Now what this baby really does is...

TV's Frank: [Voice coming from inside one of the pods] Doctor?!? Can I please get out of this thing? I really need to go to the bathroom!

Dr. F: [Turns towards the pods] One more minute, Frank! [Turns forward] Actually, this thing is inspired in form and function. And it's possibly the greatest boon to Mad Science since the lightning rod! I mean, you all know how much time and effort I put into resurrecting Frank every time I kill him. Reinstalling his head! Putting his organs back in the right direction. Making sure there's no demonic possession of his mortal shell. That sort of thing! But this device - which I have dubbed "The Undeader" - takes all the effort out of creating a permanent human guinea pig!

Taking its inspiration from that cult classic, "The Crow", it takes the life force of said human - in this case - Frank...

Frank: WHAT?!?

Dr.F: Calm down, Frank! This is a good thing. This time. Anyway, it takes the life force of your favorite lackey, transfers it into the living familiar in the small pod - in this case, Frank's pet tribble.

Frank: Fuzzy?!? You bastard!

Dr.F: [Ignoring Frank]... And leaves the subject an unkillable, reusable lab rat! Put too much Chemical X75 in that last secret formula? Just wait ten minutes, and that puddle of goo that used to be Frank regenerates itself as good as new. Or as good as Frank gets. At least theoretically. I haven't actually tested it, yet!

Frank: WHAT?!?

Dr.F: Oh, calm down! I promise that if this goes wrong, you next head will have that AM/FM metal plate you wanted!

Frank: Well... OK. But you promised!

Dr.F: And we pull the switch like so...

{Dr F. flips a switch and all three pods start to hum and glow}

Dr. F: And Frank goes 'round and 'round... And comes out... <DING> There!

{From the right hand pod steps Frank, looking exactly like Frank in a Crow costume. The only difference being that Frank's hair helmet is now black.}

Dr. F: And how do you feel, Frank?

Frank: Like I really need to avenge my and my girlfriend's death...

Dr. F: Good, good! I anticipated that. And if I were to do this?

{Dr. Forrester whips out a tazer and zaps Frank. Frank falls to the floor, but jumps right back up.}

Frank: [Dusting himself off] A little tingly at first. But I'm okay!

Dr. F: Yes, YES! [Starts dancing around] I'M THE GOD! I'M THE GOD!

[SOL]

JOEL: That may be the sickest thing I've ever seen you do.

TOM: The device or the dance?

JOEL: The device. The dance is a close second.

TOM: right.

[D-13]

Dr. F: Like I care about anything from you guys except blind obedience! Now, Frank - my little perma-freak! Let's get your familiar into a nice, safe cage!

{Dr. F opens the middle pod, only to have something zoom out, cawing away.}

Dr. F: Oh, great. Your tribble grew crow's wings, Frank!

Frank: Really? Cool! Fly away, Fluffy! Fly away!

Dr. F: Oh, shut up and get a net! [Turns forward again] And as for you orbital lab rats, I give you a nice little Dragonball Z crossover story called "Life's Surprises." And it includes just a hint of Mary-Sueism for that extra bit of bile! Strap down, settle in, and suffer! FRANK! Swing over here and send them the fic, will you?

Frank: In a second! Get down here, Fluffy!

Dr. F: Oh, never mind! I'll do it myself!

TOM: DBZ crossovers? Mary-Sues? This could be bad!

JOEL: We'll see in a moment! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!

[All scurry off]

[ 1 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 6 ]... [ * ]

TOM: [ala Buddy Holly] o/~ Mary Sue! Mary Sue! With your plot so tried and true! o/~
CROW: Well as long as it's not some fangirl's Vegeta fantasy, I'm okay with it!

(Time to deviate from my other fics.

TOM: [Author] This one's gonna make sense!
JOEL: Be fair, we've never read her stuff before.

This is going to get really confusing, so hang on and enjoy the ride.

CROW: Translation - Plot holes galore!

This is going to be REALLY cool.
TOM: I REALLY don't think so!

 Oh, Kawaiito?

CROW: What?!? Up yours too, pal!

This fic is weird. See, Namek has happened, Frieza's only fought Goku and Vegeta, tho. So the type of clash that happened on Namek is, instead, happening in my fic. Just bringing you up to date! )

TOM: [Moron Voice] Daaa... Okay.
JOEL: So Goku and Vegeta have been blown to bits already. Got it!

|R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R|

TOM: Look, just pump the accelerator a few times, then crank it!
JOEL: <chuckle>

The character "Krista" Belongs to me,

CROW: Is it too early to assume that "belongs to" means "is?"
JOEL: A little, yes.

as well as most of the beings she encounters save those mentioned in DBZ. If you recognize the banner above or below, would you e-mail me and let me know how OCS is doing?

TOM: Umm... What banner?
CROW: Little early to be hallucinating, isn't it?

Now, Krista is the little sister of Touma in this Alternate Universe of my normal fics who's desperate to prove herself in the upcoming battle with Frieza and his men. That's basically all you need to know, I'll fill in the rest in the story.

TOM: [Author, rapidly] Confused yet great moving on!

And I'm sure my avid fic readers must have a good idea of my music choice now!!

JOEL: And so our "story" has "music now?
CROW: Barkeep? I'll have what she's having!

(,,,)(,,,)(,,,)(,,,)(,,,)(,,,)(,,,)(,,,)(,,,)(,,,)(,,,)(,,,)(,,,)

JOEL: Umm... Jellyfish?
TOM: Scrubbing bubbles?
CROW: Fat chicks that REALLY need Nair?

Did you forget about me,
Mr. Duplicity.
I hate to bug you in the middle
Of dinner...
-You oughta know, Alanis Morisette

CROW: - I hate your music, Crow T. Robot
JOEL: How'd you pronounce that dash?
CROW: 'S a gift!

"C'mon, Touma, just let me train with you! If you like what you see, then sign me on!" Touma sighed and pushed his blue hair out of his equally blue eyes.

TOM: He's a Smurf!

 "Krista, we don't have the time or resources to let you train with us. The senshi and us troopers are busy enough as it is without grading you on a punch."

CROW: [Touma] Besides, you're a stupid ol' girl!
TOM: "Us troopers" Wait a sec! That's ROWEN!
JOEL: As in "Ronin Warriors" Rowen?
TOM: That's the one!
CROW: Cool! I always thought he had the coolest weapon, anyway!

Krista snorted and flipped her own
JOEL: Now that's just rude

 longer version of Touma's hair over her shoulder with a pale hand.

JOEL: Sorry! Jumped the gun!

 "Fine, then, big brother. I'll train on my own, And when the time comes, I'll PROVE to you I can fight!" Seiji walked past and grinned, having caught the last portion of her statement. "Mako-chan, you're not, Krista.

TOM: Grammatically confusing, that was, Usagi.

 We'd do anything to be able to enjoy a normal life like you do. You don't know how lucky you are.""Lucky??" Krista fairly screeched. "How am I lucky when I'm forced to stay behind when the real adventure comes? Fighting a floating candy youma isn't an adventure!"

JOEL: [Krista] It's a job!
TOM: What's she complaining about? Sugar demons are good eatin'!
CROW: Except for the licorice ones. Them's nasty!
"You got to fight, didn't you?" Touma asked incredulously. Krista snorted again. "One youma. You guys got to go save Chibiusa with Peruru.

ALL: CHIBIUSA?
CROW: I call "foul!"
TOM: Yeah! She specifically said this was a DBZ fic! Nothin' about Sailor Moon or The Spore!
JOEL: Calm down, guys! For all we know that was a typo

I got to stay behind with the cats!!"
"And what's so wrong with that?" Luna said. "After all, we are great feline companions."

JOEL: ... or maybe the author's a big fat liar?
BOTS: That one!

"You are, Luna, but I want adventure! Excitement! I want to save the world! I mean, Usagi's my age and she's already one of the greatest super heroines the universe has ever known!"

CROW: We are still talking about Sailor Moon, right?

"And the Universe can only handle so many great super heroines, Krista. Take it from me. You're better off living the life you're living now."

JOEL: Emphasis on "living."

"But-"
Touma held up a hand, a sign that the topic was definitely closed. Krista sighed and dropped her head, seeing that it was useless to continue. Touma smiled.
"Someday you'll see that what I'm doing, I'm doing for you."

TOM: o/~ Everything I did, I did for...o/~ That doesn't really work, does it?
CROW: 'Fraid not.

 "It's not fair! I should be out there training! It's my planet too!!""Yes, it is," a soft voice said behind her. She whirled to see Bulma standing there, smiling. She sighed and turned back around.

JOEL: Finally, a DBZ character.
CROW: I'm starting to question that this is DBZ connected. I mean no one's been explosively dispatched yet.
TOM: Ah, someone's probably charging their Big Ass Death Ray move off screen as they speak!

 "I'm just as good a fighter as he is! I can even wear his armor!"

TOM: Umm... How?
CROW: Better question: Why would Touma let her?
JOEL: And the answer to both is "Smile and nod."

She sat against a tree. "It's not fair," she muttered again. Bulma sat next to her.
"I've seen you fight. You're good, but Touma has the experience needed to take care of Frieza."

TOM: Technically, so did Nail and Vegeta. And we saw how well that went.

"How am I supposed to gain experience if I never fight? That's like telling a kid he can train pocket monsters, but then only allowing him to battle Caterpies!"

CROW: Oh, for... Don't tell me they're crossing over with Pokémon, too?!?
JOEL: Calm down! For all we know she's talking about the game itself.
TOM: Still that may not be such a bad thing.
CROW: HOW?!?
TOM: Just imagine Ash trying to fight Frieza!
CROW: [Imagines Ash dying explosively] Oooh! There is that!

Bulma laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. "What would you like to battle?"
"Charizards! Alakazams!

JOEL: [Irish brogue] Green clovers! Blue diamonds!

 Just let me at a Typhlosion or a Steelix!!"
Bulma nodded. "Okay, you're up against the meanest Charizard in the entire galaxy. Yet all you have is one inexperienced Bulbasaur. What would you do? Would you let it battle?"

CROW: [Krista] Yes. Then laugh at its pitiful charred remains!

"Of course not! Bulbasaurs are weak against Charizards, and strong ones are even worse- oh..." she cut herself off, realizing the point Bulma was making. She then shook her head again. "It's still not fair. I'm a two badge Squirtle at least."

TOM: She's equating herself to Pokémon, yet she wants to fight a guy who runs half the universe, and blew up the other half.
JOEL: And yet, she'll probably win.
ALL: [Downcast] <SIGH!!!> Yep.

Bulma giggled, then grew serious. "Please listen to me. Listen to your brother. Do not attempt to fight when Frieza comes."
CROW: [Bulma] Or you'll get blown up so hard, Starfleet couldn't ID your remains!
TOM: Oh, no! Not another crossover!

 "I was thinking, Zarbon," Frieza said, his eyes fixed image of Earth on the screen before him. "Whether or not to simply rid Earth of all it's inhabitants. It certainly would wipe out the resistance problem we're bound to face."

JOEL: Because you're a Dragonball villain. The fast way doesn'texist for you!

"You said you wished to raise your power level, sir. What better way to do that then to defeat the most powerful warriors in this galaxy?"

CROW: And probably some SI pre-teen who'll be too cute to blast.

Frieza smiled and chuckled. "Too true, Zarbon. Too true. I suppose I'll let them live, then. Any suggestions on whether or not to dispatch the Ginyu force with us?"

JOEL: What did I just say about the fast way?

Zarbon glanced at the image, then shook his head, his long green braid sliding slightly. "I don't think it'll be an issue, sir."
Frieza smirked. "And why is that?"
"At the very least, we've Kakarotto and Vegeta to deal with. They'rebound to be the strongest warriors we'll face. The rest of the population will be easy."

TOM: [Zarbon] Of course I could just be farting in the wind here

Frieza chuckled. The warriors on Earth were rumored to be more powerful than him. But he had a feeling that once he got there he would find them to be, compared to him, nothing at all.

CROW: Never fought a Self-Insert, have you?

"Ja ne, Touma!"
Touma waved from his seat in the jeep. "You be good, Krista. I mean it."

JOEL: [Touma] Or I'll kill you. I mean it.
CROW: A guy could get whiplash from that kind of sudden scene change!

Krista smiled, tossing her bound (barely) hair over her shoulder.

CROW: Baring her lobotomy scars to the world!
JOEL: Burying Touma in an avalanche of dandruff!
TOM: Showing off the results of her botched dye job!

"When am I not?"
Shin smiled. "Wrong question to ask, Krista." He turned to Makoto, giving her a quick kiss. "We'll meet you at Hikawa Jinja."

JOEL: They'll meet her where?
TOM: Rei's place - Cherry Hill Temple.
CROW: Miss Hoshiko, darling? Can you throw a bone to those of us who only get Cartoon Network?

"Can I come?"

CROW: Oooh! What a softball!
TOM: What are you waiting for? Take the shot man?
CROW: But I don't know how old she is! I've got standards!
JOEL: Don't do it, Crow! Stay the path!
TOM: Take it! You won't get a cleaner shot!
JOEL: DON'T YOU DO IT!
TOM: HE'S GOTTA DO IT!
JOEL: DON'T YOU DO IT!
TOM: HE'S GOTTA DO IT!
CROW: Geez, switch to decaf!

Shin sighed. "Gomen, Krista-sama."

JOEL: [Shin] SI's cramp our style.
CROW: Why's he offering her noodles?
TOM: He said "gomen", not "ramen."
CROW: Oh. Sorry.

He said automatically. "I'm afraid we simply can't let you. Mia will be here to pick you up after school. No going to the arcade." Krista winced. "Take all the fun outta life..." she muttered. Touma shot her a hard look and she fell quiet. Seiji gunned the engine a little. They were due for a practice session with Superman,

{All fall silent}

JOEL: Superman?
TOM: Geez! Why don't we toss in Mighty Mouse, Underdog, and Voltron while we're at it.
CROW: Superman in the DBZ universe? Please! *Chi Chi* could give him a hard time!

and it wouldn't do for them to be late. Touma shot him a look as well before kissing his little sister on the forehead.
"Remember, be good."
Krista smiled innocently. "No problem."

CROW: [Krista] My Crack Whore shift isn't till tomorrow!

 Touma leaned back into the car. "I hope not." He nodded to Seiji, who slammed his foot on the gas pedal, sending the car surging forward. Krista waved until they were out of sight, then turned to the other Senshi.

TOM: The other Senshi were just standing there the whole time?
JOEL: RANDOM CAMEO POWER - ACTIVATE!!!

 "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get to class!"
Ami nodded. "Yes. I know we've still got 20 minutes, but I've got an AP exam to study for." Minako smiled. "Ami-chan, you know you'll ace it with no problem." Krista started into the gates when her bag popped open and all her books spilled out. "Kuso,"

CROW: Gesunheit!

she muttered, stopping and shoving the various books and other items into her bag. "Want some help?" Usagi offered. Krista looked up and smiled. "No, I'll be fine. I'll meet you all inside in a few." Usagi nodded and the four senshi went inside. Krista finished shoving her books in her bag and quickly turned and began running down the street in the direction that the jeep had been moving,

CROW: Unfortunately for her, she was running down the wrong side of the street.
TOM: [Starts making chopper noises]
JOEL: [Radio Traffic Guy] Traffic has been slowed to a crawl on the downtown corridor. We're getting reports of a teenage girl knocking over cars in some sort of angst-fueled rampage...

 marveling at how well her self-training of her mental powers had been going. Her telekinesis worked like a charm, getting the other senshi out of the way long enough for her to slip away.

JOEL: And they didn't notice getting invisibly tossed aside like that?
CROW: Comes with hanging with Usagi and Minako so much.
TOM: Y'know - "Telepathy" might help with that...

Touma was going to fry her once he learned she had skipped school again but she knew that the fate of the universe was more important than a few low grades.

JOEL: Except that she attends "Super-Hero High," and her lowest grades are in "Super-Villain Combat."

"Quake with fear!"glanced the hook hurtling at him out of the corner of his eye and barely managed to dodge before Anubis caught him in the back.

TOM: Peachy. She managed to drag the Warlords into this as well.

Ryo stumbled, but recovered in time to dodge an attack on Naaza's part. He glanced at Seiji and grinned. The two of them launched into a spiral, blades whirling. The shogun hastened to get out of the way. Sh'ten grinned.

JOEL: Sh - who?
CROW: Klingon?
TOM: Narn?
JOEL: Dragonrider?
CROW: I wonder how you pronounce "Sh'ten?"
TOM: Hmm... That's some fertile riffing ground.
JOEL: Let's not take things into the toilet just yet.
TOM: For those playing along at home, we know that Sh'ten is the original name for Anubis of "Ronin Warriors". But by golly, you can't let a name like that go by without a wisecrack!

 "That spiral is really coming along, Ryo. You almost got me." Ryo grinned and picked up a piece of Sh'ten's coat that had been
sliced off. "Almost?" Rajura grinned. "Any closer and there wouldn't be any of you left."

CROW: [Rajura] 'Cept your shredded, quivering remains.

Superman floated down from where he watched the session above them. He nodded his approval to everyone. "Very well done, all of you. Considering the time you had to react, Sh'ten, it's impressive that you came away with no injuries from that last attack."

TOM: [Superman] Other than getting your head cut off just then.

Sh'ten blinked, then smiled. He wasn't used to getting such high praise. Superman looked at the sun and sighed.

JOEL: [Superman] Still don't know what I'm doing here...

"Ten minute break, guys. Then back to work." Touma took off his helmet and shook his drenched hair off of his
forehead. Behind him, he heard soft grunts and rustling.

CROW: Hey! The story gets interesting!
JOEL: Down, boy!

Curious, he crawled through the underbrush to see what was causing it. Probably a small dog or something, he thought.
JOEL: Or an orgy, or a hungry facehugger, or Chthulu.
TOM: Y'know.... something.

When he reached the area, he stayed low and peered out from behind a few leaves. A pair of slender, pale legs greeted him. Women's legs, obviously. His gaze shifted upwards to settle on the woman's face, and he gasped, nearly seething with rage.

TOM: [Touma] MOM! What did I tell you about streaking?!?
CROW: Saaay!

He stood up hastily, disrupting the girl's activities and slamming his head on a branch. The girl gasped and blushed crimson. She smiled sweetly.
"Touma-chan. Heh heh...hi?"

CROW: [Krista] You're probably wondering why I'm naked with this gang of albino dwarves...

Touma glared at his younger sister. She had skipped school again.
He sighed.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded. Krista sighed and put her hands on her slender hips.

TOM: [Krista] Depends - what answer would freak you out the most?

"Training for the upcoming battle."
Touma glanced around. Weights, 2x4s, and other various strength building objects were lying around.

JOEL: Bowflex... Ab-Doer... Kegel Device

Quite a bit of turf had been torn up, he noticed. She had been doing some jumping and kicking. And the hand prints in the mud showed where she had been doing push-ups.

ALL: WE HOPE!

Even the big oak tree in the center of the clearing showed signs of having been the target of her training. He sighed. It was too late for her to go back to school now; she'd have to stay with them for the rest of the day.
"Fine, you can stay. Gather up your stuff and follow me."

TOM: [Touma] And try not to embarrass me in front of the guys.

He helped Krista pick up her managerie of sports equipment and carry it over to where a very surprised group of troopers, shogun and superhero waited. Rajura raised a brow.
"Skip school again?"

CROW: [Krista] Bite me, crossover boy!

Krista smiled sheepishly and shrugged. Then she got defensive."Well, someone's got to help you guys battle! I mean, let's face it. The senshi are all limited to their elements, and each of you only has so much to contribute."

JOEL: Like power and experience!

"And how are you any different?" Superman asked softly. Krista grinned.

CROW: [Krista] Mary Sue power - ACTIVATE!
TOM: I'm not so sure...

Now was the time to show her brother what she could do. Her eye fell on one of the lighter weights. She squinted at it, mentally willing it into the air. She could dimly hear the gasps of surprise as it obeyed her. She then set it back down again about as gently as an elephant setting down a red hot safe. Superman picked the weight up out of the now slightly dented turf.

JOEL: So she can lift a hand weight with her mind. Real world - impressive. DBZ World - doesn't even register.
TOM: Y'see? A true SI would've been juggling those things by now.
CROW: Ah, she threw in an imperfection to throw us off the scent!

Krista flushed again.

JOEL: [Krista] Damn 1.9-liter toilets...

 "Guess I need to work a bit more."Touma was the first to speak. "When did you....I mean, how...I mean, what...." Krista grinned. "Uh, respectively, a few months ago when I accidentally caused the pipe in the bathroom to burst and I
thought it might be useful in the upcoming battle."

TOM: If I read that right, she thought that destroying plumbing would serve as a useful battle skill.
CROW: You underestimate the power of the ChiliConCarne Dama!

"A battle you're not going to fight."
Krista blinked. "What??"

JOEL: HE... SAID... YOU'RE... NOT... GOING... TO... FIGHT!

 Touma's face was set. "You heard me. This is all the more reason not to let you. If Frieza knew about you, he'd take you back with him, or maybe even kill you if he felt you were enough of a threat.

CROW: After toying with you for ten or twelve episodes...

 After we defeat Frieza, I'm going to have a talk with Professor Xavier."

TOM: Oh...Kay... yet ANOTHER random crossover.

Krista sighed. "So you'd rather dump me on the X-men than try to help me gain control of my powers?

JOEL: Yeah, it's not like they've got a school for that or anything!

Yeah, real brotherly of you, Touma. You know what?" She went on, her rage and tone building. "I seriously don't need this. I seriously don't need a brother who's too over-protective to let his 'baby' sister fight in a battle where every man and woman and child counts!

TOM: And most of them will die horribly, but hey! Omelettes and eggs!

I seriously don't need to be told how inexperienced I am when every time I try to change that, I get shot down. That is so it. I'm leaving."

CROW: [Touma] Okay.
TOM: [Krista] I mean it!
CROW: Fine.
TOM: Don't try and stop me!
CROW: 'S your life.
TOM: I'm going for good!
CROW: Write when you get there.

With that she stomped off, sports equipment in tow. Touma started. "Krista! Krista wait!" But she was gone.

It wasn't fair! He was just being stubborn. He HAD to know that he'd need her help in the battle, he'd need everyone's help. And yet, he was resisting. Why?

JOEL: [Krista] Stupid ol' brother! Trying to keep me alive! The nerve!

She stopped doing push-ups and sat back with a small grunt.

TOM: Y'know, a little milk of magnesia would clear that right up.
JOEL: What did I just say about toilet humor?
TOM: I just thought that applied to Crap Boy!

She popped open a bottle of water and took a long drink before capping it

CROW: She SHOT her water bottle?!?
TOM: Poor thing! What did it ever do to her?

and starting her push-ups again.
JOEL: [Krista] Mmm! Orange sherbet-y goodness!

Why hadn't anyone else stood up for her?
TOM: Because you're twelve?

 The shogun especially knew she was capable of fighting, as many times as they had fought in the past. It simply wasn't fair. She reached over for a weight and realized that dusk was setting in.

CROW: [Krista] I promised Lexington I'd spar with him tonight.
JOEL: At this point a Gargoyles appearance wouldn't faze me at all.

Touma must be worried sick, she thought. She sighed. She wasn't looking forward to going back, but she didn't want to worry her brother too much.

TOM: Quite a little mood swing there...
CROW: [Krista] I HATE YOU ALL!! I'M NEVER COMING BACK!!! GOD!!! AARGH!!! {stomps off}
JOEL: [Touma] What the hell was...
CROW: [Krista, cheerfully] I'm back! What's for dinner?

With a sigh, she began packing all of her stuff.
"What on earth did you say to her, Touma?"

JOEL: [Touma] Nothin'.... "I never liked you. Wish you were never born. Those jeans make you look fat." Like I said, nothin'!
TOM: Never thought I'd be nostalgic for a scene change marker...

Touma sat, his head in his hands. He didn't know how to answer Ami.

JOEL: [Touma] How can I tell her I've forgotten how to speak?
CROW: Probably something like "AU! AUWUAUA!!!"

He'd been sure that Krista would come back after a few minutes. He'd been prepared to say nothing about it. But when she hadn't come back, he knew she'd been serious. What if something had happened to her and she couldn't come back?
Or what if she'd just decided to never come back period? He didn't think he could live with that kind of guilt.

CROW: So he decided to drink himself into brain damage!
TOM: [Touma] Sweet booze, ease my troubled mind!

But he knew, too, that he couldn't live with the guilt of letting his little sister fight and having her killed or captured by Frieza. Why couldn't she see that he was only trying to protect her from getting hurt?

TOM: Again - because she's twelve?
JOEL: Or at least acts like it?

She does see it, he thought to himself. But she doesn't care if she gets hurt. She only wants to help with the fight, she wants to battle to save Earth.

CROW: And die explosively.
JOEL: Live fast, die young, leave a big scorch mark.

"Touma-chan?"
Touma broke out of his reverie and looked up at Ami and blinked. He'd never seen her looking so very sad.

TOM: She'd just finished reading "Ami-chan."

{All shudder in sympathy}

"Touma, I want you to go out and look for her. I've never seen you so worried and I can tell it's killing you to just sit here like this."

CROW: [Ami, seductively] So what can I do to make you... feel better?
JOEL: [Touma] I've never seen her so angry before.
CROW: [Ami] Y'know? We're alone... We can go upstairs... I can put on the extra-short sailor suit...
JOEL:[Touma] I just don't know what to do...

"Superman's looking," he murmured. Ami shook her head, tears welling up in her eyes.

CROW: [Ami, angrily] DAMMIT, MAN!! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO? STRIP NAKED AND FACE-HUMP YOU?!?
JOEL: [Touma] Oh, were you saying something, Ami?
CROW: [Ami] AAAAARGH!!!

"Touma, you're worried sick. Go look for her!"

TOM: Never mind that the guy with super-speed, super-senses, and flight is looking AND HASN'T FOUND HER YET!!!
JOEL: Probably figured he had some time to kill and went for a beer.

Touma sighed, realizing that Ami was right.

CROW: And was about Aqua Rhapsody his ass into oblivion...

 He stood and grabbed his jacket, prepared to go out. But the knob turned before he could reach it and the door swung open to reveal a very sweaty and tired Krista. She looked up in fear, but was startled when Touma suddenly dropped to his knees and threw his arms around her, sobbing.

TOM: So... She shrank then?

She blinked, then hugged her big brother back for a moment. Touma pulled away and tried to assume a stern face, but found he couldn't hide the relief he was feeling. "Never, ever do that to me again. Ever. I was so worried something had happened, or that you wouldn't come back-"

CROW: [Ami, annoyed] Oh yeah! Reeeal worried! <muttering> rassin'frassin' mamma's boy...

Krista smiled. "Touma, you worry too much. I can take care of myself, and why wouldn't I come back? I'm home, my friends and family are here." Touma smiled, then made a snap decision.

JOEL: [Touma] Hands at 3 and 9 aaaand...
TOM: KA-RACK!!!
CROW: [Krista] Ack! [Falls over]

"You've won, Krista. We'll train you along with us."
Krista blinked. "Y-you mean it? You'll let me train?"
Touma smiled wearily. "Yeah, but you'd better be prepared to work." Krista grinned and hugged her brother. Touma smiled. "And I've got your first assignment you can do right now." "Really? What?"
"The dishes."

ALL: Wah wah waaaaah!!!

Ch. 2

TOM: The sequel.
JOEL: The next day.
CROW: Electric Boogaloo.

I don't know why, I can't leave though it might be tough.
But I ain't outta control, just living by my word.
Don't ask me why, I don't need a reason.
I've got my way, my own way.
-Yay! I finally learned all the words to "It doesn't matter"

CROW: [The Rock] IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT YOU LEARNED THE WORDS!!!

"What is the status of our troops?"

JOEL: [Officer] Stupid. Lazy. Couldn't hit the ocean from a boat.
TOM: [Commander] Textbook troops, then! Eeeexcellent!

"They're all going through extra training, just like you ordered, sir." Frieza smiled. "Good. It wouldn't hurt for you to go through it yourself, Zarbon. "I am sir," Zarbon said. "My own shift in training starts next cycle."

CROW: I didn't know Zarbon got...
JOEL and TOM: NO!
CROW: [Pouting] You guys are no fun!

Frieza nodded. "Very good, Zarbon. You know, I was thinking," he continued. "That we would do well to use the dragon balls once we've arrived on Earth. They would make me unbeatable for all eternity if I were immortal."

TOM: Technically, you could still be beaten. They'd just have to keep beating you.
JOEL: [Frieza] Ready for round 23,095,723?

"Most certainly, sir," Zarbon said. "However I doubt that Vegeta and Kakarotto would make it very easy for us, sir." Frieza's cruel, thin lips curled up into a smile. "I don't doubt that they will make it somewhat difficult," he said, smirking. "But I'm not concerned. Or do you need reminding of my powers, Zarbon? Perhaps Captain Ginyu would like to take your spot on this mission, you don't seem quite up to it suddenly." Zarbon went pale. It was bad enough that that idiot, Ginyu had beat him out for the captain job.

CROW: And here I thought it was because he was ten times stronger than you. Silly me!

He didn't need him taking over his regular duties, too. He bowed low. "I do not doubt you, sir. Please forgive me if I indicated such." "You're forgiven," Frieza said almost lazily.

TOM: [Frieza] <YAWN> Go in peace, my son...

 He turned to the viewscreen where he had been researching the dragon balls.
CROW: Research on the Dragonballs? Umm... How? Aren't they pretty much a secret?
JOEL: He got a copy of "Shen Long for Dummies?"

 "But remember: once we get to Earth, those Dragon Balls are mine. Along with anything else I want."
JOEL: [Frieza] And what I want is... A SHUBBERY!!!

 "Now, who can tell me what the American poet Edgar Allen Poe is describing in this verse? What does this raven symbolize? Anyone?"

CROW: [Ben Stein] Bueller? Bueller?

 Krista scribbled down a few notes and listened to her teacher drone on about some dead perv who lived in America a century ago. She'd been training with her brother for a few weeks now and it was definitely starting to show. Her gym teacher had commented on her increased stamina and strength,

CROW: And bust line. And long, lean thighs. It was really starting to creep her out.

 and the extra sessions with the X-men's Jean Grey were helping her telekinetic powers immensely.
TOM: Since when do the X-Men have a branch office in Tokyo?
JOEL: The Xavier Institute for Gifted Ninjas?

 She wondered if... It was five minutes till the end of school. She concentrated on the minutes, willing it to speed up. At first, there was no difference. Then, ever so slowly, the minute hand spun a little faster around the clock face until thirty seconds later...

CROW: [Krista] Wait a second... If I stare really hard at the clock, it moves! I'm BRILLIANT!!

 "Ding-dong ding-dong. Ding-dong ding-dong."
Her teacher looked up at the clock in surprise.
"Oh," he said slowly. "I suppose this means that class is dismissed.

TOM: [Teacher] I suppose I could check my watch, but I have faith in the almighty school clock!

 I want a two page essay on what the depths of "The Raven" is in your mind." He added as the class scrambled to leave. Outside of the building, Ami looked at Krista accusingly. Krista blinked.
"What?"

CROW: [Ami] Why the hell am I friends with you, anyway?

 "I know that that was your fault, Krista. My watch is set to standard Japanese time, and so was the school clock." Krista
sighed. "Fine, I'll slow it down five minutes to let it catch up. Satisfied?"

JOEL: [Krista] Precision clockworks? Bah! If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway!

 Ami nodded, though she still wore a frown on her face. Usagi rolled her eyes. "Let's hit the ice cream store on our way up to Hikawa Jinja.

TOM: [Usagi] If we hit 'em now, we can beat Wells-Fargo and get the big bucks!
CROW: It's Pretty Soldier Stick Up-Kid!

 Mamo-chan won't notice if we're a few minutes late." "No, but Rei-chan will," Minako said. But she was smiling. Krista grinned.

"Count me in too!" Makoto nodded. "I wouldn't mind getting some myself." Ami sighed. "As usual, I'm out voted. Okay, but make mine Rum Raisin!"

JOEL: [Minako] Singapore Sling for me!
TOM: [Usagi] I want a Long Island ice tea!
CROW: [Makoto] Shotta the hard stuff, barkeep! And keep it coming!
TOM: This little interlude brought to you by the Booze Council. Keep plenty of booze on hand for the afterschool crowd!
JOEL: Booze: Who needs friends?

 "Figures," Rei muttered as the girls arrived five minutes late, finishing the remains of their treat. Usagi stuffed the rest of the cone into her mouth and crunched on it a few times before swallowing it and smiling innocently towards Rei.
CROW: And somewhere in the background, Mamoru is watching all this and cringing.
JOEL: [Wincing] Ow!

 "Come on, Rei-chan, you can't possibly hold an afterschool treat against us." "Actually she can, as we got out five minutes early, Usagi-chan." Usagi shot a glowering look at Ami. Rei raised an eyebrow. "And how did you manage that, pray tell?" Ami nodded over at Krista, who flushed and was suddenly interested in the pavement below her. Touma sighed.

ALL: DAAAAH!!
CROW: The hell'd he come from?!?
TOM: Must be a graduate of the Gifted Ninja school...

 "You didn't..."
Krista shrugged. "I already promised Ami-chan I'd make it right tomorrow." "See that you do," Touma said. He turned to the
assembled group. "Shall we get started?" Usagi nodded and took off her brooch.

"Moon Crisis Make Up!"
The rest of the Senshi followed suit.
"Mars Crystal Power, Make Up!"
"Mercury Crystal Power, Make Up!"
"Jupiter Crystal Power, Make Up!"
"Venus Crystal Power, Make Up!"

ALL: GRATUITUOUS NUDE TRANSFORM SEQUENCE, MAKE UP!!!

 Krista watched, only vaguely interested as the girls turned into the Super Sailorsenshi. Touma grinned and took out his armor orb and transformed. The rest of the Troopers and shogun followed suit.

ALL: AAAH!!!!
TOM: Stop sneaking up on us like that!!!

 Seiji glanced at Krista. "Fighting in that today?" Krista looked down at her school uniform.
"Why not? A-ko does it all the time."

TOM: And we're on Series Crossover # 6.
CROW: Place your bets on the next, gentlemen!
JOEL: I'll say Tenchi Muyo.
TOM: I'll go with Moldiver. Crow?
CROW: Mmm... Justice League. Gypsy?
GYPSY: [Pops in] Teen Titans. [Pops out]
TOM: Okay. Magic Voice?
MAGIC VOICE: [Off screen {Natch}] Cardcaptors.
JOEL: Cambot?
CAMBOT: [Via onscreen caption] Fantastic Four.
CROW: Thank you folks! The betting window is closed. Hang on to your tickets and watch your monitors!

Seiji grinned. "A-ko also goes through more uniforms in a year than Shou through pizzas on Sundays."

CROW: And walls, and pavement, and bridge supports...

 Shou frowned. "I resent that." Seiji grinned. "I believe we'll begin," he said, turning to Sailorjupiter. He ginned and aimed an attack at her that would have gotten her had she not already jumped out of the way and launched into an attack of her own.

Piccolo looked up at he sensed a sharp increase in the power in the heart of Tokyo.

TOM: Umm... Does Tokyo even exist in the DBZ universe?
JOEL: Does now!

 Now what would be causing that increase, he asked himself.
CROW: [Piccolo] Don't tell me it's Mary Sue season already?!?
JOEL: [Piccolo] Giant Monster Season hasn't even ended yet!
TOM: She's not a Mary Sue!

 He decided he would go and find out. He launched himself into the air
CROW: And smacked head-on into a nearby building.
JOEL: [Piccolo] Damn urban sprawl!

 and began speeding towards Tokyo. Sensing something behind him, he stopped and waited for the people he knew to be heading his way to catch up. Goku and Gohan, then a few seconds later, Vegeta all slowed down and stopped upon meeting Piccolo.

TOM: Wait, wait! Time out here! How can Piccolo be alive and Vegeta be on Earth at the same time if they never went to Namek to get the Dragonballs to resurrect Piccolo?!?
JOEL: Umm... they did go to Namek. She said so in the opening.
TOM: She did?
CROW: Try and keep up with the group, Tommy!

 "You sensed it too, then?" Goku asked Vegeta and Piccolo. They both nodded. "Whatever it is, it isn't Frieza, not yet," Vegeta said. "But we should definitely go and investigate." Goku nodded and the four of them sped towards Tokyo and the energy signature. "Well I'll be God Damned."

TOM: [Mighty Announcer Voice] Yes, why just be damned, when you can God Damned!
JOEL: God Damns - available in Regular and Extra-Hellfire!
CROW: [Quickly] Not available in this plane of existence. See website for details!

 Goku motioned for Vegeta to be quiet, even though inwardly he had been saying the same thing. They had arrived at Hikawa Jinja.

TOM: Grandpa and Chad being conviently absent for all of this.
JOEL: Or tied up in the basement.

 That didn't surprise them: they knew the Sailor Senshi had been training here. The power source wasn't coming from any of them, or even the Troopers: It was coming from the young girl in her school uniform. One look at her and Goku knew she had to be related to Touma.

CROW: [Goku] Yep. Same blue hair, same deer-in-headlights stare, same aura of author favor...
The four of them watched the training going on below them until Seiji called a break. He took off his helmet and wiped the sweat off his face before stealing a glance upwards. "So are you going to come down and tell us why you've been hovering there for the last twenty minutes?" He called up. Goku grinned.

JOEL: [Goku] Should I tell him we've been up here since yesterday?

 For a while there, he had begun to think that Seiji was losing his touch. The four of them descended rapidly, though touching down extremely gently.

TOM: Each landing squarely on a senshi!
CROW: [Gohan] Sorry, Usagi!
JOEL: [Sailor Moon] S'alright! I'm used to it!

 Goku sighed.

TOM: [Goku] Looks like we don't get to blast anyone, today...

 "Look, I won't beat around the bush. We all sensed a powerful energy signature coming from this site and came to investigate." "And?" Ryo said, looking slightly put out. "And it's coming from her," Piccolo said, nodding in Krista's direction. Krista's eyes went wide and she backed away, waving her hands in front of her. "No, no, it's not me. You must have gotten me confused with Sailormoon or Chibimoon or someone!"

CROW: [Piccolo] You're right. We were talking about Iczer-1. She's standing right behind you...

 Piccolo shook his head. "Nope. We wouldn't have come if it were anyone else, we know their signatures. But yours is new to us. It's definitely you." "But I've been training for a few weeks, why are you just now sensing it if it's me?" Vegeta shrugged. "You probably have begun to reach your peak level today, which enabled us to sense it.

CROW: Boy! Puberty sure is weird in this universe!
Though, I personally think you can do better."

TOM: [Vegeta] And you'd better! Killing weaklings is no fun!

 Krista raised a brow. Goku sighed.
"I think Vegeta's offering to train you for the battle."

TOM: WHOA WHOA WHOA!!!! Time out! Vegeta would never ever EVER offer to train anyone! He wouldn't even work with his own son, for crying out loud!
CROW: Maybe he's not talking about fight training...
JOEL: Well... he has shown a taste for blue-haired girls...
TOM: Oh for... Not you too, Joel?
JOEL: Sometimes you drift where the lines take you.
CROW: And you used to snap at me for that!

 Touma shook his head at once. "No way. It's bad enough I've let her train with us here. I don't need her living off in the wilderness getting hurt and-"

CROW: [Touma] Going somewhere where I can't stunt her physical and emotional growth!

 "And growing stronger all the time," Gohan said softly.
JOEL: [Gohan] And the emotional scars give you character!

 Touma faltered then fell silent. He seemed to think about it then sighed. "Krista, you'll be the one training. It's completely up to you." Krista trembled a bit, but turned to Vegeta. "This will be hard." It was a statement more than it was a question. Vegeta nodded.

CROW: [Vegeta, salaciously] It will be in a minute!
JOEL: Dial it back a bit, Crow.
TOM: I'm starting to think he's right, though. Scary thought...

 "It will, but somehow I think you can handle it."
CROW: [Vegeta] I think you can handle it *all!*
TOM: [Whining] JOOOEL! Usagi's throwing Crow softballs! Make her stop!
JOEL: Sorry. Out of my hands.

 Krista looked from Vegeta to Touma and back again. Finally she took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. "I'll train with you."

JOEL: [Krista, excitedly] This is gonna be great! We can have slumber parties and stay up all night watching movies and give each other make overs and...
CROW: [Vegeta] Dear God, what have I done?!?

 "Now be sure to pack plenty of extra clothes..."
"Mia-"

TOM: [Krista] That's not my suitcase...

 "But perhaps they'll give you clothes when you get out there, but
then again..."

"Mia-"

CROW: [Krista] What's with the muumuu? I don't own a muumuu...

 "And don't forget to write and let us know how you're doing, youknow Touma is so scared for you..."

"M-Mia-"

JOEL: [Krista] I really don't need a note from my mom...

 "And, oh, Mako-chan's cookies! Can't forget those, she'll be devastated..."
"M-"
"And Ami-chan's books...and Rei-chan's scrolls...and-"
"MIA!!"

TOM: [Krista] I got a restraining order, remember?!?

Mia stopped talking and looked up at Krista, surprised. Krista sighed and smiled, tucking everything into the sack and flinging it on her back. "I'll be just fine, Mia, really."

Mia smiled a little sadly. "I know, Krista-chan, but it's just I worry so much about your brother and he worries so much about you..."

CROW: [Mia] Ball of neuroses that he is.

 Krista grinned, readjusting the arm braces she had on that strongly resembled A-ko's. "He's got nothing to worry about! I'm going to be with one of the Earth's Special Forces!"

TOM: The few, the proud, the cannon fodder.

 Mia sighed. "Just...take care."
Krista hugged her. "Hey, who do you think I am? Uli?"

JOEL: No, and we're all thankful for that.
CROW: [Uli, whiney] REEE - YOOOO! My head's stuck in the toilet again!

 Mia smiled and opened the door for Krista. Krista took one last look around before sighing and stepping out of the room and walking down the stairs where Vegeta was waiting for her. "Ready to go?" he grunted. Krista nodded. Touma hugged her. "Be careful, squirt." Krista grinned. "Try calling me that once I get back."

TOM: [Touma] Then how about "Pest?"
JOEL: [Krista] No.
TOM: Stain?
JOEL: No!
TOM: "Momma's Little Oopsie?"
JOEL: HEY!

 She squeezed him one last time then turned and walked out the door. Vegeta took her by the arm. "We'll fly. That alright with you?" Krista nodded. "Just-" Vegeta took off, holding her by the arm and in a few seconds, the house by Mt. Fuji was no more than a mere speck behind her.

JOEL: ...Arm, which Vegeta had ripped off on take off.
TOM: [Vegeta] That's your first lesson! Grow this back!

 The word "fine" was taken from her breath in a rush of wind, and she resigned herself to watching the scenery go by below her, however quickly. For the first time, she thought about what it was she was truly getting herself into.

(Major editorial. Those of you who read my regular fics must be screaming in rage, especially you, Ami-chan. I know Touma seems a little sappy and wimpy,

TOM: That's putting it mildly!

 but may I say that I do not plan out my fics to any large degree.
CROW: [Sarcastically] You don't say!

 Do I have a place I'm going?
JOEL: Hell?

 Yes, there is somewhere I want to go with this fic,
JOEL: Hell.

 but all I have is a vague idea. I do not plan out the details, and that includes how the characters will react to each and every given situation. For some reason, I think Touma didn't reveal his feelings to any large degree when it was just him and Ami.

CROW: Or maybe he's just gay.
TOM: That'd be my guess!

 But bring in Krista, and all of a sudden he has someone to worry about, someone younger and more vulnerable to protect and the floodgates open.

JOEL: Someone to use as a beard.

 It's brought out a side of him I never really knew he had, and if I have the chance, I'm going to try to prod this out of him next chance I get, but in the mean time...well, deal with it. We'll see if we can't bring him back to his cool, calm, slightly sarcastic self.

CROW: [Usagi] If not, I'll just feed him to Frieza!

 But he's not going to be a major player much longer. Oops! Said too much!! -Hoshiko Usagi)
CROW: Umm... I was just kidding, hon!
JOEL: [Krista] He stands in the way of my being worshiped by all!
TOM: I still say she isn't an SI!
CROW: Sure, she is!
TOM: Is not!
CROW: Is too!
TOM: Nuh-uh!
CROW: Uh-huh!
JOEL: Boys, boys, can we settle this later?
TOM: Well we gotta go, so let's settle this outside, right now!
CROW: Bring it on, Slinky Arms!

 {All leave - with Joel struggling to keep Tom and Crow apart}

[ 6 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 1 ]...[ * ]

{Back on the bridge, Tom and Crow are on opposite sides of the desk behind podiums. Joel is in the foreground}

JOEL: Okay, you all know the rules of this debate, right?

TOM: You're goin' down, Beak Boy!

CROW: Bring it on, Bubble Brain!

JOEL: Calm down, you two! Okay - standard debate format. You each have three minutes to state your case, pro or con Mary-sue. Then you'll have a one-minute rebuttal period. Standard debate scoring.

CROW: Uh... What's standard debate scoring?

JOEL: I decide who wins.

TOM & CROW: Oh.

JOEL: Okay, Pro-Mary Sue goes first. Ready, Crow? Three minutes... GO!

CROW: My fellow Americans. We are clearly confronted by a classic Mary-Sue type character in today's story. The signs pile up like the bodies in her wake: A teenager, a sibling of an existing character, unusual hair color, everyone likes her for no apparent reason, mental powers, knows stuff she has absolutely no reason knowing, like the Sailor Scouts identities. I mean, does she have to defeat Frieza, Zarbon, Dodoria, and the whole Ginyu Force by herself to make it any clearer. Krista, su nombre es Mary Sue . Prove it otherwise.

JOEL: Nicely done, Crow. Tom, your counter-point.

TOM: Thank you, Joel. Sure, to the unsophisticated reader - like Crow...

CROW: Hey!

TOM: ...Would read Krista's daily exploits and think "Mary Sue" But if one looks deeper - anyone not named Crow - could see that this is simply an who wanted to put all her favorite characters into one big story with one big battle with one character serving as a lynch pin. Sure she's a little too smart, and a little too powerful for someone as young as she's supposed to be. But that's just someone wanting to *make* a cool character, not *BE* a cool character. And if Crow would pull his head from his gold-plated butt, he could see that. Thank you.

JOEL: Crow, your rebuttal.

CROW: Tom, you ignorant slut. The signs are clear here, and if you weren't so busy being roped in by Krista's Aura of Cute. The girl's one starship command away from being Marissa Picard, for crying out loud! How can you sit there and say otherwise? Go ahead, tell me how!

JOEL: And, Tom.

TOM: Crow... You're a big, dumb, idiot-head. That is all.

CROW: Why you...!

JOEL: [Loudly] Thank you both, gentlemen! You have judgment in just a moment! Right after this! [Hits commercial sign]

 {{ Commercial - Hey, Slim Jim! Snap this! }}

{All reenter the theater}

TOM: So who won the debate.
CROW: Yeah, make with the verdict.
JOEL: Actually, Gypsy won with her "Shut up and read the stupid story" platform.
TOM: Well, can't really argue with that...

 Ch. 3
Can't hold on much longer-but I will never let go
I know it's a one way track-don't know how long this'll last
I'm not gonna think this way-nor will I count on others.
Close my eyes and feel it burn-now I see what I've gotta do.
Open your heart, it's gonna be alright.
-Open your heart, yes, from Sonic Adventurree.

CROW: Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be that big a fangirl.
JOEL: [Watching Tom bob back and forth] What's the deal, Tom?
TOM: I just realized that that song fits right in with "Hooked on a Feeling!"
CROW: The "Ooga Chaka" song?
TOM: Really! Try it!
CROW: Okay...
JOEL & TOM: OOGACHAKA! OOGA OOGA! OOGACHAKA! OOGA OOGA!
CROW: o/~ Can't hold on much longer! But I will never let go! I know it's a one way track! Don't know how long this'll last! o/~ Hey, that was kinda fun!
JOEL: Video game music. Who knew?

 Krista gasped as the energy blast rushed by her as she barely dodged out of the way.
TOM: [Krista] Boy, Unreal Tournament is getting more realistic every day!

 "You've got to do better than that if you want to beat me, let alone Frieza!!" She looked up in time to see a shower of energy raining down on her. Launching herself up into the air, she weaved in and out of the energy, coming up behind Vegeta. She brought her hands together and knocked him on the back of his head, sending him
into the mountainside.

CROW: AHA! That cinches it!
JOEL: Cinches what?
CROW: "DBZ Mary Sue Litmus Test" question 81: Does the character, not being Saiyan, have superhuman ki powers anyway? - "superhuman" meaning stronger than Krillin and Tien! There's no way either of them could have got the drop on Vegeta like that! She's a Mary Sue, I tell you!
TOM: Listen, birdbrain! Did it occur to you that Vegeta might be going easy on her for training purposes?
CROW: Well... no...
TOM: And since when is digging up bits of info to throw at us your job?
CROW: Well... I... Just shut up!
JOEL: Wouldn't Vegeta going easy on anyone be pretty out of character for him?
TOM: Sure! But nobody said anything about him!
He barreled in headfirst, drilling a very neat hole into the cliff side. She then hid behind the mountain, waiting for him to emerge. In a few seconds, Vegeta had indeed emerged and rose high, looking for her. He tried to sense her, but before he could she had launched a volley of blasts in his direction. He dodged them easily and came after her. The two of them skimmed along the ground as Vegeta tried to catch up to his apprentice.

CROW: But those damn dancing mops kept getting in the way.

 He finally called a halt and sat down to rest. Krista walked back over to join him and sat on a nearby rock. Vegeta wiped his brow and looked at her with some admiration and respect. "You're getting better kid. Much better. But better isn't good enough to beat Frieza."

JOEL: Playing the part of Piccolo tonight - Vegeta!
TOM: Okay - This is just not Vegeta! I mean he hasn't belittled her, cursed at her, or took a pot shot at her even once!

 Krista nodded. "I know. But we've still got a few months. I can get better in that time." Vegeta glanced at her. "You'd be surprised how little time a few months is. And remember, I was once part of Frieza's force. If I know him, he's brushing up his troops in anticipation for us, if he isn't already bringing along the Ginyu force."

TOM: Who are currently training with Debbie Allen to get their intro moves down.

 Krista stood. "Then what are we just sitting around here for? We've got training to do!"

It'd been so long since he'd had a truly good fight.

CROW: Umm... Isn't Vegeta having a good fight right now?
JOEL: Let's not jump to conclusions.

 Oh sure, the Ginyu were good for training-if one could tolerate their insufferable sense of "style".
JOEL: But the whole point of that 'style' was distraction, so obviously it works.

 But a real, no-holds-barred fight? He sighed dejectedly. He hadn't seen one of those in far too long.
TOM: It couldn't have anything to do with the fact that you're so much friggin' stronger than everyone else, now could it?

 One of the many reasons why he had so readily volunteered for this mission to Earth. As Zarbon looked into the mirror over his sink in his quarters, he wondered again just how he had ended up here.

CROW: "Through the door" would be my guess

 He wondered how he, the son of a nobleman, had ended up being spared by Frieza when his planet had been taken at a young age.

JOEL: Easy. It's called "Imaginary Backstory."
TOM: Imaginary Backstory - ask for it by name!

 How he had fought his way through the ranks to become number two in the organization. How he had even gotten to this point at all. His betrothed had been killed when his planet was taken, the rest of his species scattered amongst the galaxy.
CROW: Relegated to crowd scenes in space films.
TOM: Hey! Slap some antennae on Zarbon and he's an Andurian!

 It wasn't that his life was in shambles, Gods no. He was just...he couldn't even describe the feeling.
JOEL: [Zarbon] It's as though my entire life just popped up suddenly...

 He sighed again and looked at his reflection. It was probably nothing a good fight couldn't fix.
Not that he'd had a good fight in awhile...

CROW: For those of you playing along at home, Zarbon hasn't had a good fight in a while.
TOM: And he's pretty down about it.
JOEL: Not having had a good fight in a while, that is.

 Piccolo watched as Vegeta and his protégé battled each other. Even he, with his exacting standards had to be impressed.
CROW: [To self] Admiration of all those around her...
TOM: LOOK!! SHE'S NOT A SELF-INSERT!!! GET IT THROUGH THAT THICK GOLD SKULL OF YOURS!!
CROW: Touchy...

 Krista had come a long way in the seven or so months since they'd first sensed her power. Piccolo didn't know whether to attribute this dramatic increase in skill and power to the teacher or the student.It was quite obvious Vegeta had worked hard with her; she'd developed some of his style. But it was equally obvious that Krista had a very good talent for fighting and bettering herself. There was a definite fem flare in her fighting.
JOEL: So her fighting style has lots of screaming, scratching, and flailing then?

 Indeed Krista had become more than a match for Vegeta. She was beating him out at every turn. For every blast he aimed at her, she had already begun to answer back with three.

TOM: ...Completely feeble and ineffective little zaps

 There was no doubt about it.
CROW: ...She's a self-insert.
TOM: DAMMIT, SHE IS NOT!!!
JOEL: Okay, lay off for now Crow.
"She's good," he said simply to Seiji, who was standing next to him. Seiji nodded, his face expressionless. Piccolo watched for a few moments then cracked a small smile. "She's very good." Seiji grinned too. "Touma's going to be glad. We had no idea she was so capable...She's as good as any one of the Earth's Special Forces."

TOM: Of course, once you get down past Piccolo you're pretty much dealing in cannon fodder. But by cracky, she's right up there!

 Piccolo nodded. "We know. We're going to ask her to join us as soon as this mess with Frieza's over."
JOEL: Since when are the Z-Fighters an "official" team?
CROW: Hey... Did they go and form The Superfriends behind our back?

 Seiji glanced up at the Namek in surprise. "You're serious." It was a statement rather than a question. Piccolo nodded again. "If she'll accept." Seiji grinned even wider. "I don't think that'll be a problem." He then turned serious. "When are we expecting Frieza?" "Within the next 24 hours."

TOM: [Seiji] Good. Just enough time to cry myself insensate!
CROW: [Seiji] We who are about to die say *HEEEEEELP!!!*

 Seiji grunted. "Anytime now, you mean." Piccolo nodded.
"Now is the time when we get to see just what everyone is made of."
"Now entering Earth's atmosphere."
Frieza grinned wickedly. "Excellent. Take us in."

JOEL: [Crewman] We're already in, sir...
CROW: [Frieza] Quiet, you!

 "Aye, sir."

She sensed it so sharply that she actually stopped in mid-jump,causing her mentor who was chasing her to charge into her. "What is it?" he asked. Then his eyes widened and his lips settled into a fine line. "They're here."

TOM: They're queer! Get used to it!
CROW: Fat chance!

 It was a lineup of the worlds finest fighters. Apart from the Troopers, Senshi and Earth's Special Forces, there was Superman, the X-men, Iron Man, War Machine, The Inner Circle, as well as Sakura and Lee (Madison taping from behind a tree),

TOM: Given the Japanese tone of everything else in this fic, shouldn't that be "Sakura, Li, and Tomoyo?"
CROW: "Tomoyo", "Madison" - it's still a normal human behind a tree iin a DBZ battle. It all gets spelled "C-O-R-P-S-E."

 a few strong Pocket-Monsters Trainers, A-ko

JOEL: [A-Ko] Hi, Daddy!
TOM: [Superman] Hi, A-ko!

 and B-ko in her mecha suit and...well, I'm sure you get the picture.
CROW: [Pointing] Lessee... Meat, meat, meat, dead - but intact, meat, stain, meat...
JOEL: Yep. All your favorite cartoon characters in one spot.
TOM: Congrats, Magic Voice. You called Cardcaptors.
MV: [flatly] Hooray for me.
CROW: Place your bets, folks. Who dies first?
TOM: When in doubt, go with the last winner: Sakura.
JOEL: Don't know - which X-Men are here?
CROW: Ash! Gotta be Ash!
TOM: She said "Pocket Monsters," not "Pokémon."
CROW: Right. Satoshi! Gotta be Satoshi!

 They waited in silence as the bright speck in the sky drew closer.
Cero turned to Ryo.
"You think we're all ready for them?"

CROW: [Ryo] Nope! We're dog food!
JOEL: [Cero] Just checking.

 Ryo grinned wryly. "We're as ready as we're ever going to be." The bright speck became distinguishable as it sailed in closer and closer until they could see it for it's immense size. The ship touched down on extended claws, and the door slid open. Vegeta bristled as the first one out was Kui. The fish-faced alien smiled cruelly. "Long time no see...ape."
Vegeta let out a low, threatening growl.

TOM: ...Beat his chest, then flung a handful of poop at him.

 Dodoria was the next one off of the ship,
JOEL: I give you - Dodoria, Gumball from Hell!

 his massive bulk making even the Blob give a small gulp. Krista stood steely-faced as alien after cruel alien stepped off of the ship. Some had blasters on their arms. Others, she rightly guessed, have bothered. Then, she drew in a gasp, as did every female needn't defender of Earth as Zarbon stepped off of the ship. He around at the suddenly flushed faces and grinned. Nothing like a glanced few good looks to throw off the ladies, he thought
amusedly.

CROW: And to make the men think you're a fairy.

 Finally came Frieza, floating along in his vehicle. He glanced around first at his own soldiers, then at the Earth's
Defenders. "Well," he drawled, smirking. "This is quite a welcome. Look, boys, they've even brought entertainment!" he said, his gaze wandering over the Sailor Senshi and B-ko.

TOM: [Dodoria] The Spice Girls! Cool!

 B-ko grit her teeth behind her mask but said nothing. Frieza turned to Vegeta, still smirking but with a glint of pure hatred in his eyes. "So nice to see you again Vegeta. Earth treating you well?"

"Better than you ever did," Vegeta replied shortly.

CROW: [Vegeta, whiny] Why didn't you call me? You promised you'd call me!!
TOM: That's gonna leave a mental mark!

 Frieza laughed.
JOEL: [Frieza] Your witty banter amuses me, but now it's time to fry!

 "Indeed. We'll test that theory in a minute. Kui."
Kui stepped forward. "Yes, Master?"
"Tell them my demands."
Kui nodded then turned to the assembled group of defenders.
"Master Frieza's commands are quite simple.

CROW: [Dr. Evil] ONE *BILLION* DOLLARS!

 He wants the Dragon Balls. Give them to him, and you'll all live. Refuse, and, well, there won't be an Earth left once My master gets a hold of it."

JOEL: [Frieza] And...?
TOM: [Kui] Oh, yes: And... LEAVE THE BRONX!!!

 The soldiers behind him grinned. Supersailormoon stepped forward. "I think I speak for all of us assembled here when I say fuck off!"

[Pause]

CROW: Oh...kay! That was out of the blue!
TOM: [Sailor Moon] MOON PRINCESS POTTYMOUTH PULSE!!!

 Several of the defenders had to laugh, including Krista. Lee and Sakura, however, were looking scandalized.
TOM : They ain't the only ones.

 Frieza raised an eyebrow. "I see. Well in that case, I see no reason why we can't get started right here and now. But I'm up for a little sport. How about we pit one of your weaker opponents against one of my weaker soldiers? Kui!"

CROW: [Kui] Me?!? What about the guys that actually need guns?
JOEL: [Frieza] I said ONE... OF... MY... WEAKER... SOLDIERS!
CROW: [Kui, meekly] yessir...

 Kui, looking very sullen indeed, stepped forward. Jean immediately glanced towards Krista, but she could feel that she was much too strong. So she instead turned to Sakura.

TOM: Of course! Why choose someone with a better chance of winning?
CROW: Playing the part of Yaumcha tonight - Sakura!
"You feel up to this?"
Sakura grinned. "Ready as I'll every be."
"Yeah, that's the spirit!" Cero yelled.

JOEL: [Cero] Where'd you put your will, again?

 Kui laughed as Sakura stepped forward. "You're pitting a child against me? Don't think I'll hesitate to kill her."
TOM: It's Kui Wayne Gacy!
"Just fight!" she yelled, brandishing her Clow rod. She took out two cards and threw them into the air. "Fight and Power, Release and Dispel!" She brought her rod down on the two cards. "Fight and Power!!" In a whirling rush of pink and blue,

 CROW: [Sakura] COLOR CO-ORDINATION BOMBER!!!

 two forms emerged, both female. One was cute and little. The other, tough looking and very mean. Kui laughed again. "And what can these two things do?" "I'll show you!" Sakura held up her wand, and aimed a heavy blow at Kui's head. Kui stood there, prepared to take a little tap to the skull.

JOEL: Mmm.. a nice, refreshing dose of DBZ-brand Arrogant Stupidity!
TOM: Ask for it by name!

 KA-POW! Kui was thrown backwards over the heads of his fellow soldiers into a nearby mountain.
CROW: Just how many mountains are there in Japan anyway? Especially they keep getting demolished like that!

 Blood was oozing from where he'd been hit. Sakura took out another card. "Fly card! Release and dispel! Fly card!" her staff bore wings and she flew over to where he had landed. She took out one last card. "Lightning card! Release and dispel! Lightning!" Her rod cackling with electricity, she stood before Kui stone-faced. "You're going down," she whispered,

TOM: [Kui] But I'm down already.
JOEL: [Sakura] Quiet, you!

 and brought the rod hard upon Kui's head. Kui yelled out as he was electrocuted, and slumped all the way down to the ground, unconscious.

JOEL: Actually, he's just sulking because Frieza called him weak.
TOM: [Kui, muttering] Rassum, frassum, sending me against Sailor Shirley Temple...

 Sakura took out her Fly card and flew back over to her fellow defenders. Frieza looked a little impressed.
"Not bad. Not bad at all, even for a child. I see you've been training hard."

CROW: [Frieza] You're still going to fry, I just thought you'd like to know.

 "Not bad for the 'weakest' fighter, eh?" Cero yelled out. Frieza frowned, and suddenly in a rush of wind, Cero was down. "Cero!!" Sakura and Lee called out together, running over towards him. Sakura picked up his tiny body and gasped. "Cero's....dead."

CROW: So, "none of the above" on the death pool, then?
TOM: Umm... not to nitpick, but why wasn't Cero in full Hellbeast Guardian mode here?
JOEL: Fuzzy corpses are more tragic?

 "What??" Madison stepped out from behind the tree. Frieza smiled cruelly and before Vegeta could utter a word of warning, Frieza sent out three precision energy blasts and three human bodies slumped to the ground, dead.

[All sit in silence]

TOM: He...
JOEL: He just blew away three kids.
CROW: Just like that...

[Pause]

ALL: ALRIGHT!!!

[All burst into applause]

CROW: [Chanting] Frieza! Frieza! WOOF WOOF WOOF!!!
JOEL: Alright! Someone's finally in character!
TOM: Ooooh! OOOH! Kill the Ronins next! Kill the Ronins next!

 Goku turned to Frieza.
"Monster! Killing three children with their backs turned!"
Frieza grinned. "They knew what they were getting into. The Dragon Balls?"

JOEL: He's got a point.
CROW: [Frieza] What do you want? I'm EVIL!
TOM: You sound way too much like Dr. F when you do that.
CROW: Sorry...

 Rajura's lips settled into a very fine line. As infuriated as he was with Frieza, he knew it would do no good to go charging at him or he'd end up like the young Cardcaptors.

JOEL: So he wet 'em, and ran away screaming.

 He, instead, turned to the mutants.
"I believe it's your turn?"

TOM: [Rajura] Alright, Phoenix! Show 'em that Cosmic Power of yours!
CROW: [Cyclops] Umm... Jean hasn't had the Phoenix power for years.
TOM: [Rajura] I was talking about Rachel.
JOEL: [Professor X] She's lost in the time stream.
TOM: [Rajura] Havok?
JOEL: [Prof X] Ditto.
TOM: [Rajura] Nate Grey?
CROW: [Storm] Sorry!
TOM: [Rajura] Damn! What good are you people?!?
JOEL: Not very, nowadays...

 Wolverine grinned and bared his bone claws. "Bring it on."
JOEL: Okay... metal-less Logan against Frieza's goons. This should last all of five seconds.
CROW: [Wolverine] I'm the best at what I do, and what I do <BOOOM!!!>

 Frieza nodded and several of the soldiers with blasters on their arms stepped forward. One of them took aim at Shadowcat and fired, and was immensely surprised when the beam passed harmlessly through her. She grinned. "Fooled ya!" and aimed a very good scissors kick at him, sending him crashing to the ground.

CROW: Now wait... Is this butt-kicking Demon Ninja Shadowcat from the comic, or the dead weight Kitty from the cartoons?
JOEL: Umm... Yes.
Cyclops was blasting away, first destroying the soldier's blasters then going after them bodily, while Wolverine went on a no-holds-barred attacking spree.

TOM: Not noticing that his claws broke off on the first guy he hit.

 Nightcrawler began popping in and out of various soldiers, drawing their fire until he had them being shot down by themselves. Frieza frowned and again intervened, sending out an energy blast. Jean, catching wind of it a second earlier, threw up a force field around as many of teammates as she could, shielding most of the mutants
from the blast. However, the White Queen, Husk, Iceman and Spyke weren't so lucky.

TOM: Not to nitpick again, but any blast strong enough to kill Iceman should've vaporized the other three.
CROW: Give it up Tommy. The only in-character character here is Frieza. Deal.
JOEL: Besides, it was probably the cartoon version of Iceman. You could kill him with a well-aimed paper clip.

 Rogue screamed as her friends' lifeless bodies slumped to the ground. Frieza tsked.
"Should have been more careful." Rogue, half blinded by tears, had taken off both of her gloves.
"Youwant us??" she screamed, lunging at him. "Come and get me!"

TOM: And when Rogue says "us" she really does mean "me!"
JOEL: There's a party in her head, and everyone's invited!

 Dodoria jumped in front of her and grabbed her wrist. He yelled out in pain as his memories and abilities were sucked from him into her.He wrenched away and fell to his knees, panting. Rogue's eyes glowed with Dodoria's power as she aimed a blast at him to finish him off.

CROW: Y'know... It might not have been a bad idea to let Rogue touch Goku or Vegeta before the battle started.
JOEL: Crow, what did we say about Dragonball Z logic?
CROW: Umm... There ain't any?
JOEL: Exactly!
He launched himself into the air and she followed him, heedless of her teammates' calls. The two of them then proceeded to battle it out, Rogue and Dodoria matching each other blow for blow. Frieza frowned. "Dodoria, come down here at once!" Both Rogue and Dodoria froze, and they both descended. Rogue, after a moment's hesitation, turned and walked back to her teammates.

TOM: Ooh! Awkward!

 Vegeta glanced at the young teen southern belle.
CROW: [Vegeta] If only she had blue hair...
TOM & JOEL: Saay!

 That was quite a mutant ability she had there. Quite useful, which was why Vegeta was sure he'd be defending her from Frieza before this was all over. Frieza was no longer smiling. "It's time to really start this fight. Men!"

CROW: [Random soldier] I thought we had, sir!
TOM: [Frieza] Quiet, you!
CROW: yessir...

 Zarbon, Dodoria, and a few others stepped forward. Goku stepped forward-or tried to but was held back. "Goku," Krillin said softly. "You're the strongest we have. Don't fight yet, save yourself for Frieza. Piccolo, Vegeta and I will go."
JOEL: [Krillin] One of us has to die before you kick into action! It's in our contracts!
TOM: Gotta give Ms. Hoshiko one thing: she's got DBZ-style logic down pat!

 "No," Krista said. "I'll go instead of you, Krillin. At least I can be wished back." Krillin thought about it, nodded and stepped back.
Zarbon grinned. "A little girl? You insult us."

CROW: Never mind that your first guy got curb-stomped by someone younger than her...
JOEL: Details, details...

 Krista snarled. "Shut up and fight, bastard."
Zarbon grinned wider. "And she's got spirit! Ready men!"

ALL: [Frieza's goons] SHE GOT SPIRIT, YES SHE DO! SHE GOT SPIRIT, HOW BOUT YOU?
TOM: "Yes she do?"
CROW: It fit. What can you do?

Frieza smiled. "Attack!"

CROW: [Random Goon] *COOO-BRAAAA!!!*
JOEL: [Frieza] Wrong show, you dink!
CROW: [Goon] Sorry...

 Krista was in no way surprised when Zarbon headed right for her. After their little banter, she was sure he was going to see if she had the gall to actually be as strong as she thought she was.

TOM: Guys, I feel the dark specter of romance approaching.
JOEL: Getting beaten to death might fix that.

 As they began to fight each other, Krista realized with a start that she still had much more training to do. Fighting Zarbon was much different than fighting Vegeta- at least she'd gotten to know how Vegeta moved, his habits. Zarbon had a completely different style. But that didn't mean that she wasn't a match for him.

TOM: Even though it should...

 She saw his face begin to contort with concentration as he found his opponent much tougher than he'd originally given her credit for. The two of them rebounded off of each other, panting ever so slightly.

CROW: Umm.... They _are_ still fighting. Right?
JOEL: I hope so!

 Zarbon grinned.

"You're good. Better than I thought you'd be. Are you this good in other areas too?"

 TOM: DOUBLE ENTEDRE BUSTER!!!

 Krista flushed and aimed a series of attacks at him which were easily avoided. Zarbon laughed. "Strike a nerve, did I? I'll ask Master Frieza to take you captive. Then we'll see how 'good' you are." "Go to hell, mother fucker!" Krista yelled, coming at him head on.

CROW: GRATUITOUS EXPLITIVE WAVE!!!

 The two began to battle it out once again.

He watched especially the battle between the girl and Zarbon with acute interest. She was very good. SO good, in fact, that she need not be killed.

TOM: Yo, Frieza buddy! Isn't that the exact reason you killed the ENTIRE FRIGGIN SAIYAN RACE!?!

 He smirked as he heard the exchange between them. She'd be very useful. In fact, he liked Zarbon's idea, and a proposal formed in his mind.

CROW: [Frieza] One million Zinnies to sleep with your brother!
JOEL: Crow, that's... actually so plausible it's scary.

 He'd call another halt in a few minutes, and tell her what he had in mind. He'd make it an offer she wouldn't be able to refuse.

TOM: [Marlon Brando] Join me or your planet sleeps with the fishes.
Vegeta heard Krista's words, and grinned even though he himself was busy. She'd certainly developed a backbone since he'd taken her on as his protégé.

JOEL: [Vegeta] A few more months and that exo-skeleton would've come in nicely!

 Now, however, he had to concentrate on beating the living you-know-what out of his opponent. Everyone in the air froze, however, as Frieza once again called a halt. Everyone descended, growing tired of Frieza's games. He turned to Krista. "You. I have a proposition for you." Krista sneered. "What?"

TOM: [Frieza] Tell me the secret of Marysuoken, and I leave!

 "If you come with us, I'll leave right now. No dragon balls, no more casualties. Just you. And I'll leave Earth alone for as long as I live. What do you say?"

CROW: Hmm... Lifetime of servitude and abuse or you and your friends get beaten to death. Tough choice.

 Krista was stunned. He was putting the fate of the Earth in her hands, and he knew it. If she gave in, she'd be giving herself to this...this...well, she didn't want to think about it. If she refused, he'd continue to destroy the Earth. She looked about for some help, but obviously no one had prepared for this: on every face was an expression just as stunned and confused as her. She peered at Frieza.

JOEL: Peek-a-boo!
CROW: Ah, screw you!

 "How do I know you will hold true to your promise?"
Frieza grinned. "I swear it by my very blood."
She heard Vegeta gasp. "He's serious..." he muttered.

TOM: What was that about Frieza being in character?
JOEL: Yep. Scratch that!

 Great. She sighed. What real choice did she have? Go with Frieza or stay and watch everyone...her friends, her family...die one by one. And then still be taken captive anyway.
CROW: Assuming you're not dead of course.

 She hung her head, in defeat, then looked back at her brother, tears in her eyes. He blinked. She wouldn't....
" Deal."
"NO!" Touma screamed, lunging for her, but the rest of the Troopers held him back. "It's for the best, Touma!"
"She's doing it for you!"
Touma, tears in his eyes, fought against his teammates for all he was worth, prompting the Sailorsenshi to hold him back as well.

JOEL: Not to mention fighting against their own character in order not to let him go and then follow him in.
CROW: You ever think some authors get some sort of kick making people act so blatantly out of character?
TOM: [Usagi] Ha ha ha!!! I'm the god here! Dance for my delight! DANCE!!! <Makes whipping sounds>

 Frieza grinned and nodded to Zarbon, who took Krista by the arm and marched her into the ship without so much as a backwards glance. Frieza laughed at Touma, who was still struggling against his friends.
"Looks as if she's chosen. Best be off now, wouldn't want her to think I'd gone back on my word." He nodded to the others, who all marched into the ship. Frieza entered and the doors closed. The still stunned defenders looked on helplessly as one of their own vanished into space

CROW: Then screamed as one as Frieza's Planet Buster came flying back at them.

 Oh my god, what have I done??
TOM: Surrendered like your name was Jean Paul.

 I've given up my freedom, myself to these beings to save a planet of horrid people.
JOEL: Pretty much, yep.

 To save the murderers, the rapists, the thieves and abusers of the world.
CROW: And the lawyers.
JOEL: And the talk show hosts.
TOM: And Tom Green.

 I've given up myself to him, all for the terrorists and the corporate spenders That inhabit our abysmal little planet.
CROW: Sure, you saved the 5,999,000,000 *OTHER* people on the planet. But don't let that stop you.

 I'll never get to see the dolphins jumping out of the clear blue ocean again,
JOEL:[Krista] Never figure out what "So long, and thanks for all the fish" meant.

 Never be able to hear the sparrow's song again.
I'll never be able to dance among the falling cherry blossoms in late spring,
TOM: She's a Sakura Wiccan!

 Never spend a night in the ice cream parlor with my friends.
JOEL: Getting fitshased on Tutti-frutti...

 I'll never know my true love,
TOM: Actually, his name was Murray, and you blew him up during one of your training sessions.

 Never ride on Whiteblaze again.
CROW: Is that a euphemism?
TOM: No, it's a tiger.

 I'll never find out who the last two senshi are,
JOEL:[Sailor Uranus] When did we show up?
CROW: [Sailor Neptune] I think we were in that "You get the idea" group...

 Never see Uli grow up into a handsome young man.
TOM: Assuming Mia or one of the Ronins doesn't get fed up and take a chainsaw to him...

 I'll never see Usagi and Mamoru get married...
JOEL: Like you'd be invited.

 Never see Chibiusa grow up from an infant.
TOM: Kinda hard to do when she's eight, and standing right there.

 Never see Crystal Tokyo,
CROW: Plan on living for the next ten centuries or so, do you?

 Never see my brother again...
JOEL: [Krista] Wait, that IS a bad thing, right?

 Never find out what happens after the Goblet of Fire!
TOM: Easy - Neville gets croaked.
CROW: Nuh-uh! Cho Chang will be the one to bite it!
JOEL: You're both wrong: It'll be one of the Weasley twins.
CROW: WHAT! NO! Say it ain't so!
JOEL: That's what I'm thinking.

 Wait...I didn't give myself up for the evil people of the world...
TOM: Well... You kinda did, technically.

 But for the good, the innocent.
The small infant, who will now get to enjoy life,

CROW: Until the next DBZ fight wipes his whole family out.

 The wildlife that will now continue to thrive,
TOM: And spread rabies and anthrax and Mad Cow and..

 The future generations who will make Earth so much a better place to live...
JOEL: In other words, the 5,999,999,850 who wouldn't know you from Eve?

 I gave myself up to these people for my planet,
And all the good that's there,
In hopes that I've now given the good a chance to stomp out the bad.

TOM: I can see that going well...
CROW: [Krista] Frieza! I order to cease your evil ways and <BOOOM!!!>
JOEL: [Frieza] Zarbon, who was that again?

I hope....

CROW: ...This ends with your violent, painful end.
TOM: Good grief, Crow! This hasn't been near that bad.
CROW: I know... But all those random crossovers and cameos... Those irk me on sheer principle!
JOEL: Well, I think I know how to make that a bit more fun. C'mon!

 {All leave}

[ 6 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 1 ]...[ * ]

{We come back to an empty main bridge}

MAGIC VOICE: Ladies and Gentlemen of Earth, The Satellite of Love proudly presents "Crossover - A Life's Surprises Production"

{Enter Gypsy, wearing a long blue wig}

GYPSY: Hi, I'm Krista! And I'm gonna kick some butt!

{Enter Tom sporting horns on his dome.}

TOM: I'm Frieza, the butt you're going to try to kick! But you won't because, SOOOO much more powerful than you!

{Enter Joel wearing a Sailor fuku}

JOEL: Guys, I still don't know why I have to wear the skirt.

TOM: It was your idea, and you're the only one who fit. Not get in character!

JOEL: *AHEM* I'm Sailor Moon! And I'm Krista's best friend! Never mind how or why! All that matters is that we will punish you! {Does Sailor Moon's "And that means you" pose}

{Enter Crow in a Marge Simpson wig}

CROW: [Marge] Oh, Krista! I hope you don't get to roughed up in this fight!

{All stop and stare at Crow}

CROW: What? It's the best Marge Simpson I could do!

GYPSY: You were supposed to be Touma, not Marge!

CROW: Well all you told me was put on *this* wig! What else am I supposed to think? {Goes off-screen muttering}

JOEL: Right. Tom?

TOM: Oh, yeah! [Zips off screen and back on in a lavender wig]

TOM: Frieza? You really should be worried about the androids! Hi, Krista!

GYPSY: Hi... Um... Trunks!

JOEL: Umm... Aren't you supposed to be Vegeta? Trunks isn't even in this story.

TOM: But Trunks is the coolest of the cool! If Ms. Hoshiko can bring in random, tangential characters, why can't I?

JOEL: Um... Okay!

CROW: [Off screen] Really, cool! [Zips back onscreen painted silver] In Earth's darkest hour, The Silver Surfer has returned to help. Of course, I'll have to mope and whine a bit first! Hi, Krista!

GYSPY: Hi, Norrin!

TOM: [Wearing a trenchcoat with a pole strapped to his back] Ol' Gambit gon' do his part too! Hey, Krista, cheré!

GYPSY: Hi, LeBeau!

MAGIC VOICE: Well, no one fights cosmic menaces like the Fantastic Four! Hi, Krista!

GYPSY: Hi, Invisible Woman!

JOEL: Guys this is getting a bit...

CROW: [Painted Red] My radar sense picked up a gathering of heroes! Daredevil's ready to join in! Hi, Krista!

GYPSY: Hi, Mr. Murdock!

JOEL: Guys, I...

TOM: [Zipping back on screen wearing a giant Green Helmet] HI-YAH!!! THE GREEN RANGER'S HERE AND IT'S MORPHIN' TIME! YAAH! AH-YAH!!! Hi, Krista!

GYPSY: Hi, Tommy!

CROW: [Wearing a white wig and dragon wings] You were right, Joel! This is fun! I can totally see the appeal of these kind of crossovers! Hi, Krista!

GYPSY: Hi, Brooklyn!

JOEL: This really gotten out of...

TOM: [Dressed as the Heavyarms Gundam] By the way, Joel, that skirt makes you look fat. Hi, Krista!

GYPSY: Hi, Trowa!

JOEL: Well, anyway... Wrap it up, guys! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!

 {All scurry off}

[ 1 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 6 ]...[ * ]

{All retake their seats}

TOM: Thanks Joel! That was a blast!
CROW: By the way, you can take off the skirt now.
JOEL: I would've, the zipper's stuck. I'll have to cut it off later.
TOM: I think the jumpsuit/skirt combo is a good look for you, actually!

 Ch. 4
JOEL: When did we go through chapter 3?
TOM: That was that whole "Oogachacka" thing.
JOEL: Oh yeah.

 Day and Night,
Night and Day,
Still going your lonely way.
-Jubei-chan, Secret of the lovely eye-patch theme.

CROW: I really hope that lost something in the translation.
JOEL: No, candy-ass pop is still candy-ass pop no matter what the language...

 gasped as she was shoved roughly into a quarters by the one named Zarbon. "This is where you'll be sleeping until we get back to the planet Frieza," he said shortly.

TOM: [Zarbon] You'll be rooming with Varg the Unclean over there. Try not to make any sudden movements.
CROW: [Varg, growling] Ghn! Varg pagn Chthulu!

 He grinned. "I daresay the men back home will be very happy to see you." Krista flushed again, but said nothing. Zarbon considered her.

JOEL: ...Impressive for having survived this long without getting blown to atoms.
CROW: I guess the Aura of Smooth works on energy attacks too.

 "We may have to get a uniform custom made for you." "Uniform?" Krista asked in amazement. Zarbon nodded. "Of course. You didn't think you were going to wear that flimsy thing, did you?" he asked, pointing to her orange jumper. He glanced up at the shift monitor. "I've got to go. Ask a crewman for the way to the mess hall if you get hungry." He grinned again. "Like it or not, you're one of us, now." And with that, he left her in her new quarters. Krista looked around the rather barren space, flung herself down on the bed and cried.
TOM: It's her bondage, and she'll cry if she wants to!

 Ami knew that nothing she could say or do would ever cheer up Touma completely.
TOM: At least nothing he'd notice her doing...

 His worst fear had come true. Krista was gone, taken by Frieza.
CROW: And here comes another action packed episode "As The Touma Mopes!"

 It had happened so fast, and so unexpectedly, that everyone had been powerless to stop it. Once Touma had realized it, it had been far too late. She'd already agreed, and Krista never went back on her word.

TOM: And I think Frieza threatening to blow up her planet had a little something to do with it as well...
Still, Ami sat on the couch and hugged Touma, who seemed to be at this moment drained of all emotion. His arms were around her, but they didn't tighten, or loosen. The grip remained somewhat limp.

CROW: [Ami] I know you're feeling bad right now, [singsong] But I'm sure I can make you feel beee-teeer!
JOEL:[Touma] I can't believe she's really gone...
CROW: [Ami] We could play "Innocent Senshi and the Naughty Youma" again...
JOEL: [Touma] There was nothing I could do...
CROW: [Ami] Touma! SAILOR MERCURY WANT SOME SEX!!!
JOEL: [Touma] I'm sorry, Ami! What were you saying?
CROW: [Ami] AAAARGH!!!

 Vegeta, too, seemed to be in a state of shock.
CROW: [Vegeta] Ah, screw it - Hey, Mercury! Wanna play King Kong and Fay Ray?

 Ami was sure that Vegeta had come to care for her quite a bit. She'd seen it every time he looked at her; she was more than just a girl, or a student to him.

TOM: [Vegeta] Damn. Lost another one. Oh well! Hey, Bulma!

 He'd lost someone special, too. She sighed and sent up a silent prayer to the creator that she be watched over.
CROW: [God] A little late for that, don't you think?

 She didn't know she had fallen asleep. She was awoken by the return of Zarbon.
JOEL: Zarbon's back on Earth? That was fast!

 He looked up from her closet.
CROW: [Zarbon] Perfect! I can hide in here all day if I... D'OH! She's awake!

 "Oh, so you are awake. I thought you might wish to have your uniform. We've had it a little...altered for you." He grinned.
JOEL: [Zarbon] Hope you're into latex.

 "I hope it's sufficient." He held it up and Krista gasped. The breastplate of the uniform had been molded so as to fit her female figure from the collarbone down to the waist. Zarbon smirked.

TOM: That's not the whole uniform, is it?
CROW: I didn't know Frieza worked for Image Comics.

 "I also tried to have you show off those long legs of yours, but Master Frieza thought you'd be more comfortable in this," he said, holding up what looked like a pair of black tights.

JOEL: [Zarbon] Oh, sorry! Those are mine!

 She saw boots and gloves stashed just inside the closet in an alcove. Zarbon set everything on a shelf.
"You'll want to change before you go out. I assume you're hungry."
TOM: [Krista] Not really. Some insect looking guy wandered in earlier and... well...
CROW: <BUUURP!!>
Krista blinked. She hadn't realized it, but she was starving. Zarbon grinned again. "I'll be in the mess myself. Come by once you suit up...Cadet."

JOEL: [Krista] But my name's not...
CROW: [Zarbon] It's a rank, brainchild!
JOEL: [Krista] Sorry.

 He left. Krista considered. She'd agreed to come along, she might as well do the thing properly, right? She began to change her clothes. The fit of the breastplate made her wonder if she hadn't been measured in her sleep,

CROW: You probably were.
TOM: [Krista] Why do I hear someone giggling?

 it was so accurate. She pulled on the gloves and boots, marveling again at the fit-she was sure many soldiers weren't nearly as small as her.

ALL: Hint, hint!

 As an afterthought, she pulled her hair back in a tight ponytail, a few wisps of hair escaping to frame her face. When she was satisfied with her appearance,
TOM: [Krista] Sex-ay!!!

 she stepped out of her quarters. She looked to her right, then her left. She shrugged and headed to her left,intending to ask the first crewman she came across where the mess hall was. The first person she bumped into, however, was Frieza. She startled and began to bow, then salute, and finally fell to one knee with her head
bowed. Frieza laughed.

JOEL: [Frieza] Humiliating people is such a pip!

 "A salute will do, Cadet. Where are you headed?"
"I'm headed to the mess hall...sir" she added a little belatedly. Frieza nodded.

 TOM: ...Off.
CROW: Who could blame him?

 "In that case, I'm afraid it's in the other direction. At the end of this corridor, make a right. Go straight, you'll see it." Krista started to bow, then saluted. "Yes. Thank you, sir."

TOM: [Frieza] Oh, and by the way?
JOEL: [Krista] Yes?
TOM: [Frieza] DIE!!! <ZAP!!>

 She turned and began to walk the other way when another few words from Frieza made her stop. "Let me know if anyone is a problem. Zarbon has been assigned to protect you." Krista's eyes widened. That pompous blowhard was her PROTECTOR?

CROW: For that matter, why is an evil bastard like Frieza assigning anyone to protect ANYONE?
JOEL: Psychological torture?
TOM: No; I think he enjoys watching things go boom too much to switch.

 She turned and saluted again. "Yes sir," she said with much less emphasis. She took the directions Frieza had given her to the mess hall.

 JOEL: Run by a man named M'el Sharrplz.

 When she appeared in the doorway, she saw more races and beings than she'd known ever existed. The babble of talk that had been consistent moments before her arrival died away at once when she stepped through the threshold.
CROW: Ooh... Awkward.
TOM: You'd think these guys had never seen a woman before.
JOEL: [Random Alien] Oh Dear Maker! What's that in the door? What are those things on his chest. Oh, what do we do! What do we do!
Then it picked up again with hearty laughs, nudges and winks thrown into every other statement. She wandered nervously over to the mess counter.
"Uh...what do you have?"
The lunch clerk grinned and rattled off a list of foods that made Krista wish she'd thought enough to bring Mako-chan with her.

CROW: With this story, Neelix is probably behind the counter.

 She sighed.
"Give me...whatever you have that's closest to a soup."

TOM: [Neelix] But soup is so boring! We've got some absolutely delightful Kazon Roast Beast...
JOEL: [Krista] No. Just soup.
TOM: [Neelix] Okay, we've got some veeeery tasty Ocampan goulash...
JOEL: [Krista] Soup! The plainer, the better.
TOM: [Neelix] And we've got some fresh Klingon War Stew...
JOEL: [Krista] GIVE ME SOUP OR YOU FRY!!!
TOM: [Neelix] Well why didn't you say so! I've got a special recipe for Talaxian Fried Fish!
JOEL: [Krista] AAARGH!!!

 This the clerk did, and Krista settled into a corner of the hall by herself to try and enjoy her meal.
CROW: Suddenly the fic crosses over with "Degrassi Junior High."

 She sat so she could see everyone, her back almost flush up against the wall. She watched as glances , looks and the stares were thrown in her direction. She paled as a group of beings started toward her.

TOM: The faces of those she's wronged!

 She looked around desperately for Zarbon, but she could not distinguish his face from so many other unfamiliar ones. The four or five beings sat at her table and smiled. One extended his hand.

TOM: [Alien] Chyy zl svatre!!!
JOEL and CROW: HUH?!?
TOM: [Normal] ROT-13 subroutine! Finally got to use it!

 "I'm Musquo," he said by way of greeting. Krista considered the cat-faced being. She finally shook his hand-or paw, as it turned out.

CROW: [Krista] WAI!!! NEKO-KUN!!! KAWAII!!!
JOEL: Just blew through your entire Japanese vocabulary didn't you?
CROW: Pretty much!

 "Hajishitemashite,"

JOEL: [Musquo] Kiss my *WHAT?!?*

 she said. "I'm Krista."

CROW: Mistress of darkness!
TOM: "Miss Krista" if you're nasty.

 Musquo nodded. "We know. Word travels fast aboard a ship. You gave up yourself for your planet?"

CROW: [Krista] Yep, noble sacrifice. It's what I do!

 Krista nodded. The orange being with bright red hair next to him nodded.
TOM: Oh, no! They captured Beaker!

 "Good move," it said in a deep voice. "Master Frieza always calls a being's bluff. So, I assume you're e cadet?"
JOEL: Is that a typo or a Cajun accent?
TOM: Not sure...

 Krista nodded again, still trying to work up the nerve to taste her meal. The being grinned.
CROW: There's a being in her soup? Gross!
JOEL: Welcome to Jabba's Soup Hut!
TOM: [Krista] Waiter! What's this alien doing in my soup?
CROW: [Waiter] Calculus!
ALL: BA-DUM-BUMP!!!

 "I'm a sergeant, I'm right above you.
JOEL: [Krista] Well, get down from there! It's creepy!
CROW: [Kevin Meany] Hovering over people like that! That's just not right!

 Do you know what your detail is yet?"
TOM: [Krista] Umm... Thirty-three, twenty, thirty...
CROW: [Sergeant] Your duty detail.
TOM: [Krista] Oh...
Krista shook her head. Musquo grinned. "Zarbon said you were quite the tough talker. What's the matter?" Krista smiled. She was beginning to like these guys.

JOEL: [Krista] I'll kill them last.

 "I'm just trying to get up the courage to taste this...whatever it is." Musquo wrinkled his feline nose. "Ugh. That stuff is poison.

CROW: [Musquo] But not to me! *SLUUUURP!!!*
TOM: [Musquo] Ah, Mercury! Sweetest of transitional metals!

 I'll go get you something you may enjoy."
JOEL: [Musquo] Or not. What do I know? I like live game!

 He stood and walked over to the counter. The orange-skinned being held out his hand. "I'm Mere, by the way.
TOM: My God! They've brainwashed Beaker, too!
CROW: At least they taught him how to talk...

 Like I was about to say, there are several details you can be assigned to. I'm on medical myself.
JOEL: [Mere] AKA: The Bag 'n' Tag squad.
CROW: Well, Beaker's got lots of lab experience, at least.

 It's an interesting field, if you're interested." Krista grinned. "I bet. My brother's girlfriend wants to be a
doctor. I'd be one too if I were smart enough."

TOM: [Krista] And good enough.
JOEL: [Krista] And, doggone it, if people liked me!

 Mere shrugged. "It's not so hard. It's learning everyone's physiology that's the problem."
CROW: And laughing at the intern's mistakes, of course!
JOEL: [Intern] Okay, I think I got this guy's face reconstructed.
TOM: [Doctor] Nice job son... Except, that's not his nose...
JOEL: [Intern] Then what... Oopsie!
CROW: Eww...

 Musquo returned with a plate filled with something that looked like a cross between french fries and sushi, with a dash of wasabi mixed in. It smelled awful.

CROW: Ah! The latest creation of Iron Chef Violent Seizure!

 Musquo grinned.
"Best food on the ship.

TOM: [Musquo] Of course, we're all carrion eaters. But it's an acquired taste!

 Try some."
Krista, grimacing a bit, picked up a piece and bravely stuffed it into her mouth. She chewed thoughtfully for a second, then swallowed and grinned. "This is great!" she said enthusiastically. Musquo nodded again. "Like I said, best food on the ship."

JOEL: [Krista] Umm... what did you say this was?
TOM: [Mere] Oh, that's chunks of some...
CROW: [Musquo] SHH!! Ix-nay on the Aughter-Slay!

 When she arrived back at her quarters, a piece of paper had been shoved under her door. She had been assigned bridge detail. Her Commanding officer would be Major...Musquo?? He was a Major??

TOM: [Krista] Of course! He's the very model of a modern major!
CROW: ... Cat thingy.

 She blinked. She note told her to be on the bridge at the start of the next shift. Mere had taught her how to read the shift monitor. It was almost time for her to report. She stepped out the door and saw another being scurrying up the corridor. "Excuse me, sir," she said. "But which way is the bridge?"
The being stopped and gave her directions.

TOM: [Being] Ovgr zr, Cvax Tveyl!
JOEL: [Krista] Thanks... I think...

 She thanked it and headed to the bridge. She arrived just as her shift was beginning,
JOEL: Of course, she left two hours before it.
CROW: [Krista] Last time I take directions from that Ree Yo Ga guy!

 and was encountered immediately by Musquo. He grinned. "Welcome, cadet. I am your commanding officer. From here on in, you will answer to me and any one above me. Is that clear?" "Yes sir." She said. Musquo nodded.

TOM: Of course, she'd also answer to anyone the same rank as you or pretty much anyone above her. But hey, don't let me rain on your little power trip.

 "You will be working helm on the ship, and once we get back home, you will work tactical. Take your post."

CROW: So we're letting a freshly captured, untrained, possibly rebellious cadet at the controls of a spaceship, are we?
JOEL: Like we said before - that's DBZ logic for you!

 He pointed to a console in the front of the bridge in front of a giant viewscreen. She took her post, glancing out of the corners of her eyes as she did so. She gasped. Both Frieza and Zarbon were on the bridge, along with the being Rogue had fought known as Dodoria. Zarbon smirked as she took her post. She sat next to a light blue being that looked like a human, except for the ears poking out of it's pink hair. It glanced at her. "First day?" Krista nodded. It smiled, revealing several rows of very sharp teeth. "I'll help you, it's not too hard once you get the hang of it." Krista spent the next two hours learning to get the hang of the helm.

CROW: [Krista] Okay, so this is the ship. And we have to fly through this field of... Hey! This is Sinistar!
JOEL: [Helm] Beware! You suck!

 It was easy as they encountered nothing during that time.
TOM: That the ship couldn't simply plow through.

 Finally, when Kuao (the name of Krista's partner) was sure Krista had it, he returned his full attention to his own readings while Krista studied hers. Because their course had been locked in, she wouldn't be required to make any course corrections.

JOEL: Translation - busy work.
CROW: Either that, or helm's running on Windows ME and locked up on them.

 She was just checking up on the vital systems when a soldier came onto the bridge with a report. Frieza looked at it and frowned.

TOM: [Frieza] Hmm... "Dear Krista - I like you. Do you like me?" The hell?!?

 "All stop," he commanded the helm. Kuao and Krista hastened to obey. Both swiveled in their chairs, awaiting further instructions.

"At ease. Zarbon, you have the bridge. Dodoria, with me."

CROW: We've morphed into Star Trek: Dragonball, have we?
TOM: Please tell me they're gonna blow away Voyager! Please!

 Frieza strode off the bridge. Krista turned back to checking vital systems when she felt someone hovering above her.
JOEL: [Krista] Musquo! I thought I told you to stop that!

 The green braid that fell just into her line of view told her it was Zarbon.
TOM: Because there couldn't possibly anyone else on the ship with green braids.
JOEL: [Krista] Ah, green braid! Hi, Zarbon
CROW: [Alien] One - I'm not Zarbon. Two - that's not hair.
JOEL: [Krista] Then what... EWWW!!!

 She could almost see him grinning, even though she kept her eyes glued to the panel. "Not bad so far, cadet," he murmured in her ear."But we'll see how you do once we get back to the planet Frieza." He chuckled softly. "I think Captain Ginyu will be very pleased to see you."

TOM: [Zarbon] The Ginyu's poses haven't been nearly femmy enough lately.

 She bit her lip to refrain from slipping in a choice phrase or two. She murmured something in Japanese and kept on working.
JOEL: [Zarbon] One - I heard that. Two - we have these things called "translators..."
CROW: [Krista] Oopsie...
Zarbon, already getting the gist of it, chuckled again and stood up straight and walked back over to his chair on the bridge. A few minutes later, Frieza strode back in.
"Helm. Resume course."
"Aye, sir," Kuao and Krista said in unison as they resumed course.

JOEL: [Krista] Umm...
TOM: [Kuao] Press the button marked "Tb gung jnl."
JOEL: [Krista] Thanks. I guess...

 Kuao smiled at Krista again.
"You're really getting the hang of this. It took me several days to figure it out. Are you sure you haven't done this before?" Krista flushed a bit. "Maybe it's the shock of being thrust into this situation so suddenly. I learn things quicker."

CROW: [Krista] Than anyone of my age and experience could or should. It's like someone decided I should be good at this.
TOM: Crow...
JOEL: You're on the wrong end of this one, Tom. She's an SI. Accept and move on.
TOM: NEVER!
 
 She and Kuao laughed at this.
TOM: Gallows humor at it's most un-humorous.
CROW: [Krista, laughing] So how long before Frieza finally decides to blast us?
JOEL: [Kuao] At least not until he smokes W'sley Crushr over there...

 Five and a half hours later, boredom and fatigue were beginning to take their toll. They'd encountered nothing in Krista's entire time on the bridge, and her shift was about to end.

JOEL: They were kept awake by duty, caffeine, and the threat of instant death.

 She checked again that there were no disturbances when a flashing light caught her eye. Kuao saw it as well.
"Sir?" he said. "I'm receiving a report of a fire on deck five. Heavy casualties." Frieza ordered an all stop again,

CROW: [Frieza] Oh for... Who let Dodoria eat Mexican again?
JOEL: [Dodoria] Umm... I'm right here, sir.
CROW: [Frieza] Well that just makes it worse!
JOEL: [Dodoria] But how...
CROW: SILENCE!!!
JOEL: yessir...

 this time opting to take Zarbon with him from the bridge, leaving Dodoria in charge. Dodoria wandered around the stations, checking up on everybody. When he reached Helm, he, too, leaned over Krista, giving her the oppressive feeling that she was about to be squashed by a skyscraper.

TOM: Or the Sta-Puft Bubblegum Man...

 Dodoria reached over her shoulder and tapped a few buttons on the display, his arm pressed heavily against her chest as he worked.

JOEL: [Moving his arm about] I'm not quite seeing how that works.
TOM: Well... bubblegum sticks, you see. And...
JOEL: Ohh!

 She ignored it until he began to withdraw his hand and gave one breast a quick squeeze before walking back to his chair. Krista sat, frozen. Her commanding officer hadn't...he couldn't have...

CROW: He did. He could. Anytime he wanted.
TOM: Finally! Some shows some in-character bastardy!

 She looked up as Zarbon and Frieza returned. She looked at her display to see that the fire had been taken care of, and that she was receiving no more reports of injuries.

JOEL: Frieza having blown everyone except Zarbon into space might explain that.

 She and Kuao once again resumed course. When her shift ended. She stood up and walked rather stiffly off of the bridge. She headed to her quarters, where she sat on her bed in some confusion. Maybe it was a sign of superiority, or something. She'd misread it because on her planet, it meant something different.

CROW: Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time. Quit moping and move on!

 She was turning over the possibilities in her mind when a bell chimed. "Who is it?" she called out.
JOEL: [Muffled] Candygram...

 "Musquo," came a voice. "Can I come in, Krista?"
TOM: [Musquo] I promise I won't shed too much...

 Krista got up and pressed a button next to her door. It hissed open and Musquo stepped in. "So how was your first day?" "Fine," Krista said cheerfully. She decided not to tell him about what Dodoria had done. Musquo seemed pleased.

JOEL: [Musquo] She's clamming up. Eeeexcelent...

 "I'm glad. Zarbon said he was very impressed with the way you handled the Helm on your first day." Krista flushed. Musquo smiled.

TOM: She flushed with him right there? Gross!

 "I'm going down to the Rec. Hall. We have a few games down there, I can teach you how to play."
CROW: [Musquo] We got Pong, Pong, Pong, and oh yeah, Pong!

 Krista stood.
"I'm there."

JOEL: No, you're Krista.
TOM: You'd think she'd know her own name by now.

 "So let me get this straight," Mere said, confused. "In this story, there is a game played on flying objects called broomsticks called Quidditch, and this main character-what did you say his name was?"
CROW: Satan, depending on whom you ask.

 Krista smiled. "Harry Potter."
"Right Harry potter...is one of the best?"
Krista nodded. She'd been trying for the past hour to explain Harry Potter to Mere. He'd been doing fine until she'd gotten to Quidditch. Musquo and Kuao chuckled.

TOM: Once again, I must call foul!
JOEL: Yes, Tom. We know the Harry Potter thing is a little...
TOM: No no no! Not that! I mean... This *IS* Frieza's ship, correct?
JOEL & CROW: Yeah.
TOM: And from what we've seen before, Frieza's ship - hell, his entire organization - is filled with thugs, murderers, and generally miserable bastards, right?
JOEL & CROW: Right.
TOM: So where the Sam Scratch are all these nice, polite, upstanding citizens coming from?!? Outside of Dodoria, everybody's acting like the cast of "Saved by the Dragonball!"
CROW: So now we know how a feminine Aura of Smooth works?
TOM: I... You know, I just don't care anymore! Everyone can go off in their own little directions, Frieza can like a constipated high-school principal, Zarbon can be the "bad boy waiting to be tamed", and everyone else can act like extras on a T-NBC sitcom, but dammit, I've still got good ol' miserable Dodoria! AND YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME!!! [Bursts into tears.]
CROW: Okay... Joel, I'm going to back away slowly, then run away screaming. Please don't be offended.
JOEL: Just let him get it out of his system, okay?
TOM: [Sobbing] It's just not right...

 "I imagine it's not something you can understand unless you read the stories.", Kuao said amusedly. Krista nodded.
CROW: Unless you're too busy looking for the witchcraft recruitment screeds.

 "Most humans have trouble with the concept as well, Mere. It's alright." As they were laughing over this, Zarbon quietly strode up.
Musquo blinked and saluted. "Sir!"
Everyone followed suit. Zarbon grinned.

TOM: [Zarbon] I never said "Simon says!"
JOEL: Feeling better, Tom?
TOM: Not really, but sobbing my little eyes out won't help.
CROW: But you don't have eyes.
TOM: Quiet, you!

 "At ease, troops. I was wondering if I could have a word or two with our new cadet."
CROW: [Zarbon, salaciously] In *private!*
JOEL & TOM: Wakachicka! Wakachicka! Wakachicka!

 Krista paled, but stood and went over to a vacant corner in the hall. Zarbon grinned again. "I'm quite impressed. I'm sure your commanding officer told you."

TOM: Umm... If the course was pre-set, all she did was sit there!
JOEL: Well, she did sit there and not incite Frieza to blast her.
TOM: There is that...

 "He did, sir," Krista said softly.
Zarbon nodded. "I've also been made your protector. Gifted fighter or not, you may not be able to compare to some of our troops back at our home base.

CROW: [Zarbon] Basically, everybody this side of the janitorial staff.
JOEL: [Random crewman] What about Xirix on Level D?
CROW: [Zarbon] Right. Most of the janitorial staff.

 So if you have any trouble with anyone, seriously, let me know."
TOM: Assuming you live that long.

 Krista wondered whether to tell about what Dodoria had done. She then decided against it. Ratting out a commanding officer was no way to start a career.

JOEL: She'd rather do it the DBZ way. Pick your spot and deliver white-hot, ki-blasty vengeance!

 She smiled as politely as she could.
"There's been nothing for me to report, sir."
Zarbon seemed satisfied with that. HE stood, prompting Krista to do so as well.

TOM: "HE?"
JOEL: Don't tell me she's roped God into this?
CROW: [God] Someone had to get this thing moving!

 "Then you're dismissed, cadet."

Ch. 5

CROW: Keep hope alive!
TOM: Fat chance of that.

 Wish I could believe,
That you cared for me that way.
Mirror, mirror speak to me,
In the night.
-Opening song, Key the metal Idol.

JOEL: She's really into the musical interludes, isn't she?
CROW: [Grandmotherly voice] You're high on the goofballs, aren't you dear?

 She awoke the next morning without opening her eyes.
TOM: [Krista] Oh God! Tell me someone slipped a giant teddy bear in here!

 "It was all a dream," she whispered gleefully. "I dreamed that I'd been dragged into space to serve on a ship heading for a distant planet I've never heard of."

JOEL: And probably couldn't pronounce.

 The bed she was sleeping on gave a horrible jolt
TOM: And the Red Bull was flat as well.

 and her eyes shot open. She was still on the ship and at the moment it seemed to be having a rough time. She glanced at the shift monitor. She was due on the bridge in about twenty minutes. She pulled on her uniform and began to hurry toward the bridge. She bumped into Zarbon on the way. He looked haggard, as if he'd just been awakened himself. He gave her a curt nod and ushered her to the bridge. She took her post even as Zarbon relieved Dodoria, who had been commanding. She realized with a start that Frieza wasn't around. She also realized that Kuao wasn't beside her. That was short-lived, however, as she saw Kuao rush in and take his post.

The two of them began frantically working the panels. She gasped at what she saw. "Sir...three Shi'ar battle cruisers starboard." Zarbon blinked at her, then at the screen.

CROW: [Zarbon] Crap! I thought we escaped all the crossover!
TOM: Hey, if they're passing through Marvel space, maybe Galactus could show up and wrap this whole mess for us?
JOEL: Galactus versus Frieza. Wouldn't want to be in the neighborhood for that one.
CROW: I wouldn't want to be in the same solar system for that one!

 "View."

TOM: Regis.
JOEL: Today.
CROW: Maury.

 She pressed a few buttons, bringing the three silver cruisers on screen. She heard Zarbon say something in his own tongue, something so bad that her translator couldn't put it into Japanese.

TOM: [Zarbon] Jr'ir tbg gur evtug bs jnl, lbh qvaxf!
JOEL: [Krista] Um... Right...

 She turned as Frieza strode in, looking very put out indeed. She saw Musquo sneak in behind him and take up his post.
CROW: [Frieza] Musquo, did you try to sneak past me?
JOEL: [Musquo] Er... Yessir?
CROW: [Frieza] That's what I thought... *BOOM!!!*

 "Report!" Frieza snapped. Dodoria sighed.
"We were passing through a sector when we were bombarded with fire from the Shi'ar."

 TOM: [Dodoria] Fortunately, we're in space. So it didn't burn long.

 A beeping at her console made Krista swivel back around and take notice. "Sir," she said a little hesitantly. "I believe they're hailing us." Frieza frowned.

JOEL: [Frieza] Oh, crap! I'm not here! I'm not here! Take a message!

 "Let's hear it."
She pressed another few buttons and an image of the Empress Lilandra appeared larger-than-life on the viewscreen. "Surrender yourself and your ship," she stated simply.

TOM: Playing the part of Lilandra tonight - Deathbird.
CROW: It a little tyrant-esque for Lilandra, isn't it?

 Frieza smirked.
JOEL: As only Frieza can...

 "Your Eminence," he said, spitting out the word with all the sarcasm and venom he could muster.
TOM: Which was a real bear to clean up.

 "I do believe you are outgunned. Or would you like me to send my Ginyu Force out?" As a piece of bluff, it wasn't very effective. Lilandra paled but stood her ground.

CROW: [Lilandra] Two words, horn boy: Imperial Guard.

 "We will send Gladiator out to meet them."
JOEL: That could be interesting...
TOM: For about five seconds, anyway.

 Frieza laughed out loud.
"In that case, perhaps I should meet him instead. Unless you wish to let us continue peacefully to where we were going." Lilandra scoffed. "Peaceful? You? It's oxymoronic."

JOEL: It's metaphoralogical!
TOM: It's ironicish!
CROW: It's allegoricalistic!

 Frieza's features turned very ugly.
TOM: ...Er.

 "Either you back off, or I will make you."
JOEL: And the real Frieza breaks through the haze of warm and fuzzyness.
CROW: [Frieza] What was I doing with all that calm and bemused crap back there! *THIS* is what I'm good at - Threatening and blastin'!

 Lilandra's lips settled into a fine line and the view disappeared. Krista checked her sensors and almost laughed with relief. "They're moving away," she announced. Frieza sighed and sat in his chair.
JOEL: [Frieza] Damn! I haven't blasted an armada in a dog's age!

 "Resume course," he said, half amused and half weary.
Zarbon walked over to her station.
"How did you know they were Shi'ar?" he asked softly. Krista smiled. "I did train with the X-men. They know Lilandra quite well. I learned to recognize a Shi'ar cruiser when I saw one."

CROW: [Krista] I can also ID Skrulls, Kree, Jurian...
JOEL: [Zarbon] Good for you.

 "You're doing a good job of impressing me, cadet."
CROW: [Krista] Borg, Brood, Centauri, Klingon, Martian, Galaxy Police...
JOEL: [Zarbon, through his teeth] Enough already...
"Our duty is but to serve," she said, quoting an old poem. Zarbon ginned and patted her gently on the shoulder before resuming his station.

TOM: [Zarbon] That's a good little fembot.

 She turned to Kuao.
"Mornings aren't always this rough, are they?" Kuao chuckled. "Not unless we're flying through a particularly
hostile region of space," he said good-naturedly.
JOEL: [Kuao] Unless Frieza hasn't had his coffee. Then keep your head down and pray to your local deity!

 His hair was disheveled, but he looked none the worse for the wear. "Things should be smooth for the rest of the trip." "I certainly hope so," she said, slightly adjusting their course. "I don't wish to become used to being tossed out of my bed each morning." Kuao laughed.

CROW: [Kuao] Sorry 'bout that! I had to get back to my room in a hurry.
TOM: [Krista] But... You weren't in my room last night...
CROW: [Kuao] Oh... Erm... [Starts whistling]

 He watched her. And he grinned, his predatory nature coming to the full fore. She was quite the tasty little morsel.
JOEL: Sounds like Musquo's getting hungry.
CROW: Or horny.
TOM: Either way; EWW!

 And he was going to make sure that he had the first taste. After all, he was one of the highest-ranking officers in the organization. Who was going to stop him?

TOM: When did Frieza add a Kennedy to his crew?
JOEL: Ow! Fifteen for unnecessary roughness!

 Certainly not she, she wasn't nearly a match for him.
CROW: Well, we'll see about that, Mr. Disembodied Voice!

 And he seriously doubted if any being on the ship would stop him if they caught him.
JOEL: What makes him think that?
CROW: What makes him think she's a virgin?
TOM: Zing!

 Hell, they might even join in.
CROW: He's doing some serious rationalization, isn't he?
JOEL: Given the tone so far, you know what that means, right?
TOM: Yep...
ALL: That guy's dead for sure!

 "Okay," Mere said. He was determined to understand Quidditch.
CROW: Which is almost as sad as being determined to understand Klingon.
TOM: K'pla Harry Potter!

 "There are four balls: A Quaffle, two Bludgers, and a Snitch. Is that right?" Krista nodded, grinning.
JOEL: [Krista, nervously] Okay... I figured he'd lose interest a week ago...
Mere went on.
"There are seven players to each team. Three Chasers, who use the Quaffle to score, two Beaters, who keep the Bludgers from hitting their team members, a keeper, who guards the goalposts, and a Seeker, who goes after the Snitch?" Krista clapped. "You've got it!!"

CROW: Now can we PLEASE stop talking about it?!?

 Mere whistled. "One human came up with all that. They ought to be given a prize."
TOM: <SNORT> One word for you, pal - Calvinball.

 Krista grinned. "Now that we've finally gotten Quidditch out of the way, I've got to tell you about He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."

JOEL: [Krista] We've got more space to fill!
TOM: [Full Sarcasm Mode] Oh, yes! Let's go on and on about Harry Potter! Oh, I know! Let's talk out the potential love triangle between Harry, Ron, and Hermione! OOH! GIVE ME MORE OF THAT!!!
CROW: You about done, Tommy?
TOM: For now.
JOEL: Besides, Harry's ending up with Ginny. Everybody knows that.
CROW: Nuh-uh! The lovely Cho Chang ends up with him!
TOM: Uh, guys...
JOEL: How can you say that? To Chang, Harry's just "that famous kid who keeps staring at me." Ginny's in full on crush mode for him.
TOM: Guys!
CROW: That's what I mean! Chang knows him. She's go out with him out of sheer flattery! My boy Harry'll take it from there!
JOEL: You are so high, Crow!
TOM: WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP ABOUT HARRY POTTER AND READ THE DAMN FIC?!?
CROW: Geez! Sorry!

 Mere raised a brow and Krista laughed. She went on explaining about You-Know-Who
("It's Voldemort!" "Harry, don' say th' name! This ain' even yeh fic!"),

[Pause]

CROW: Okay... That was weird.
JOEL: CROSSOVER RANDOM FOURTH WALL BUSTER!!!
BOTS: Huh?!?
JOEL: Well, I can't let you two get in all the attack riffs, can I?

 not noticing a certain second-in-command staring at her. Zarbon sighed. Something in him had twisted out of shape when he'd first gotten to know Krista.

TOM: It's called "your personality." Glad you noticed, though.

 Even now, there were several warring emotions within him. One was lustful, determined to use Krista only for her body.
JOEL: In other words - your typical, innate guyness.

 One was professional, reminding him that he was, in fact, her protector.
CROW: Although he still couldn't understand why.

 He grudgingly admitted that admiration and respect resided in him as well, her obvious talents as a fighter and a soldier were obvious.

TOM: Well, of course they are.

 But there was one emotion he refused to identify, to even acknowledge.
JOEL: His sense that his whole persona had been altered to fit the plot.

 Because if he acknowledged it, then he'd have to change a lot about himself.
CROW: Yeah - he'd have to go back to his old, cruel, violent, narcissistic self.
TOM: And his clothes would probably get a bit smudged from that pent-up blasting spree he's going to go on...

 And right now, he just didn't feel like going through the trouble. It was easier to push it down and sit on it.
JOEL: [Fonzie] Ey-yy!

 He glanced over at his counterpart, Dodoria. He smiled as he saw that Dodoria was staring at the new cadet as well. He followed Dodoria's gaze as the pink officer let his eyes wander up and down every curve in Krista's body.
TOM: [Zarbon] For heaven's sake, man! Stop drooling!
CROW: Is he hungry or horny?
JOEL: Yes.
TOM: Guys, we already did that one.
JOEL: So? Still works.

 "Quite the looker, isn't she, that one?" Dodoria said suddenly. Zarbon laughed outright.
TOM: [Zarbon] Sure - if you're into jailbait.

 "Quite. But don't forget she's a very powerful warrior. I wouldn't even pat her on the shoulder without her consent. I'd rather not end up in the infirmary, if you know what I mean."

JOEL: Wink, wink! Nudge, nudge!
CROW: [Dodoria] I don't get it...
Dodoria chuckled. "I know," he said. "But that's only power level. Physically, she can't compare." Zarbon frowned. "What relevance is that?"

TOM: Good question.
JOEL: Yeah, what's the point of being able to pin her down, if she can just blow your arms off?
CROW: Foreshadowing, gentlemen. Foreshadowing.

 Dodoria only smiled and took another sip of his drink. He sighed. I heard that that blunderer Ginyu is holding another open audition. More like a circus if you ask me. I don't know why Lord Frieza puts up with it."

JOEL: He probably gets a kick out of the flying underlings.

 Zarbon nodded in agreement, but he hadn't missed the fact that Dodoria had changed the subject. He knew Zarbon was her protector. There was no way he could possibly be thinking of...
TOM: [Zarbon] ...Modeling? Can he?
JOEL: I don't know. He's got the right body for Lane Gyant...

 He made an internal note to keep a very close eye on both Krista and Dodoria. Frieza debated in his mind the wealth of problems he bound to face. There was a reason he normally did not employ women in his organization.

TOM: If you ignore those couple thousand female Saiyans, anyway...

 But to pass up this opportunity would have been altogether foolish of him. She simply had too much potential.
CROW: As a breeder!
TOM: [Frieza] You just don't find birthin' hips like that on a teenager!

 And as much as he would like to simply leave her to chance, there was something in him that wouldn't let him; something in him that told him to protect this girl from the other soldiers.

CROW: It's your inner author! Resist, Zarbon! Resist!!

 He sighed. That damned conscience again, he thought he'd gotten rid of that long ago.
JOEL: [Usagi] Not while *I'm* writing this, pal!

 No matter. He'd just decided. She was on her own, save Zarbon. From what he'd seen, she could handle most anything that came her way. Anything else, well, that's exactly what Zarbon was for.

TOM: And if that "anything else" happens to be Frieza?
JOEL: That's what Zarbon was for.

 Krista sighed as she slipped out of her uniform. She was being given the next day off, something she was eternally grateful for.

CROW: Looks like Frieza's going with the "Don't let 'em get accustomed to the torture" style of management.

 She searched through her wardrobe and came up with
TOM: Lingerie. Lots and lots of lingerie!
JOEL: [Krista] Hmm.. A note... "Wear this tonight or die!" I wonder if I should tell Zarbon about this?

 the jumper she'd been wearing when she first came aboard.
TOM: Which is all she's got outside of her uniform. But why let that spoil a good search?
JOEL: Delusions help her through the day!

 She smiled and laid it across the chair in her room. She'd wear it tomorrow. Who knew, maybe she'd even get some actual training in. Not that it'd be the same...not without being able to go to her friends and family and tell them what accomplishes she'd made...

CROW: ...Not without a healthy dose of angst.

 She shook her head and blinked back the tears that had almost fell. She wouldn't feel sorry for herself. Not here, and not now.

TOM: And not again.
JOEL: And not ever.
CROW: NOT!!!

 She'd made her choice and now she had to live with it. She glanced up at the shift monitor and was startled at how late it was.

TOM: [Krista] Good grief! It's Tuesday!

 She sighed wearily and slipped into her bed. She'd kept the room dark, because she was far too tired to deal with the bright lights. She realized her mistake, however, when a soft sound jostled her out of her light sleep.
JOEL: [Muffled] Candygram...

 It was the sound of someone breathing.
CROW: [Whispering] killkillkillkillkill! youyouyouyouyou!
Zarbon was on his way to Krista's quarters. Somehow or another, he couldn't quell the feeling that Dodoria meant to do something to her, and it bothered him.

TOM: Maybe it was the way he kept yelling "I WILL HAVE HER?"
JOEL: Details, details...

 He'd tell her to be careful around Dodoria, and he'd do the rest. He sighed wearily as he reached her door. He was working far too much.

CROW: [Zarbon] Um... What is it I do again?

 He had raised his hand to ring the chime when a thud resounded from within the room.
TOM: [Zarbon] Hmm... Active sleeper...

 Frowning, he rang the chime.
JOEL: [Zarbon] Avon calling!

 No answer. He rang it again.
JOEL: [Zarbon] AVON CALLING!!
He ordered the computer to override the locking mechanism, giving his authorization code. The door hissed open and Zarbon found himself facing a scene of utter chaos.

TOM: A typical teenage girl's room!
JOEL & CROW: *GASP!!!*

 The room was nearly destroyed, pieces of furniture either shoved aside or in pieces about the room. The first thing he saw was Dodoria in a bent position, his back was still to the door.

CROW: Oh, boy! Brace for incoming wrongness!

 He thought vaguely that he might have gone to the wrong quarters until he saw Krista, hands up defending herself as Dodoria ripped every ounce of clothing from her.

TOM: Oh goody. She's only in the process of being raped.
JOEL: And the reason she isn't using those free hands to blow holes in Dodoria is?
CROW: So her knight in braided armor can swoop in and save her.

 Zarbon's face pulled into a snarl and he aimed a blast for Dodoria's back, blasting him over Krista's head and into the wall.

CROW: Like that.
JOEL & TOM: OHHH!!!

 He called for backup and for Frieza before kneeling beside Krista and examining her with hands that were so gentle he surprised himself.

JOEL: ...With how long that run-on sentence went.
TOM: With how OOC he was being.
CROW: With how P-whipped he was all of a sudden.

 He felt Krista trembling as he checked for any wounds on her. He found a cut on her face, his eyes conveying the question to her. She managed to answer him, though she could not hide the quaver from her voice. "He hit me across the face when I first tried to blast him..."

TOM: [Krista] I shifted into "Damsel in Distress" mode! It was horrible!

 She trailed off as she looked up and saw Frieza standing in the doorway. She gasped, and unconsciously shrunk back. Frieza stepped into the room, his eyes conveying full fury. He aimed a finger in Krista's direction, and Krista closed her eyes waiting for the blast, but it never came. Looking behind her, she saw that Frieza had actually been aiming for Dodoria, whose body had now been reduced to a few thin wisps of smoke.

JOEL: Frieza's back in character, I see.
TOM: Maybe he's got some sort of bi-polar thing going on. Sometimes he's mellow, others he blasts everything in sight?
CROW: Hey! There's absolutely no evidence Frieza likes men!
JOEL: He said bi-POLAR!
CROW: Oh... Never mind.

 She sat, curled up and trembling, in the middle of the floor. She looked up in surprise as something was draped across her-the sheet from her mangled bed.

TOM: She was further surprised as it wrapped around her neck!
CROW: Kinky!

 She pulled it around her gratefully and tried to stand, only to find that her legs couldn't support her weight. She fell to her knees, and stayed there like that for a few moments before she was picked up by Zarbon and taken to the infirmary.

Ch. 6

Love was out to get me,
That's the way it seemed.
Disappointment haunted all my dreams.
-I'm a believer, from Shrek

JOEL: By way of the Monkees.
TOM: Kids these days...

 "At least we know now she's loyal to the officers," Zarbon said sometime later to Frieza. Frieza frowned. "Yes, but at such a cost?" He sighed.

CROW: [Frieza] Do you know how much it'll cost to clean the smell of burnt Dodoria out of here?

 "At least your instincts were right on."
"I should have pressed her to tell me what was wrong from the beginning," Zarbon sighed. "I knew something was wrong..."
TOM: [Zarbon] I should have realized Dodoria constantly muttering "Get the bitch" might have meant something...

 "Dodoria's gone now, anyway," Frieza said. "Time to find a replacement. What a bother."
CROW: How much do you want to bet that we've already met the replacement?
JOEL: Sucker bet.

 Zarbon said his goodnights and headed to his own room. They were nearing home, now, and he'd have to have his wits about him to explain to the other men what had happened to Dodoria...and why they'd come back without the Dragon Balls.
CROW: Question - why would they care? It's not like they were getting anything out of the deal?
JOEL: Besides, wouldn't a simple "because Frieza said so" do?

 He hadn't fully understood it himself at the time. But orders were orders, and insubordination wasn't the way to get on Frieza's good side.
TOM: He has a good side?

 He looked in surprise as he stopped. He thought he'd been heading to his quarters. So why was he in front of the infirmary?
JOEL: It's your inner author again.
CROW: Seek help before it's too late, Zarbon!

 He shrugged. Might as well pay the newly appointed Sergeant a visit. He entered and frowned, catching sight of her immediately. She was pale, laying on a stretcher. Because no physical damage had been done, she did not require a healing tank, though the doctor had wanted to keep her around for observation.

TOM: Hello! Counselors? Psychologists? Dealing with the mental trauma, maybe?
CROW: Feh! Mental health is for wimps!

 One glance at her and Zarbon knew she had been crying.
JOEL: Gee, I wonder why?

 Somehow that disturbed him. It always disturbed him to know that a grown woman had been crying. Not that Krista was grown yet, but still...

CROW: [Zarbon] Well, if there's grass on the field...
JOEL & TOM: CROW!!!
CROW: Oh like you guys weren't thinking it too!

 He sighed and walked over to her. Though she hadn't made any movement, he knew that she'd seen him come in and that he was now standing over her. "Hello, Sergeant," he said softly. Krista's eyes flew open. "What?"

ALL: HE SAID "HELLO... SERGEANT!!!"
TOM: Why don't they listen? Why don't they ever listen?

 "Because of the loyalty you showed Frieza, even if it was a little misguided, in trying to protect his status as an officer, Lord Frieza has seen fit to promote you. Congratulations."

TOM: Umm... What loyalty? She didn't say anything because *SHE* didn't want to cause trouble for herself.
JOEL: There's that DBZ logic again.

 Krista was silent. Zarbon cleared his throat uncomfortably and went on. "He's also given you a full week off," he added.
CROW: [Zarbon] Of course, our weeks are thirty-six hours long and you slept through twelve of them. See you tomorrow!

 "And I'm sorry about the things I said earlier.." he said, guilt seeping into his voice for the first time. "Had I known that Dodoria would take it so seriously, I would never..."

TOM: [Zarbon] Would've agreed to be in this fic.

 he sighed again, and turned to leave.
Would never have what? A voice said in his mind. He whirled around to face her, eyes wide in shock. Krista's eyes were looking at him pleadingly.

CROW: Okay... So she's a telepath, too?
JOEL: Sorta clinches it, doesn't it?
TOM: [Depressed] SIGH!  Yep... Hashiba Krista - I dub thee "Mary Sue."
CROW: That hurt to admit, didn't it?
TOM: Lots...

 I would never have said anything to that effect, he thought. Please, forgive me for it. And I promise I'll never let anyone hurt you again.

CROW: [Zarbon] Unless it's me.

 Where had that come from?
JOEL: The script.
TOM: Try and keep up with the class, Zarbon.

 But he knew he meant it. He'd never let anyone hurt her ever again.
TOM: Fine. Then you both die. See if we care?
JOEL: A little bitter, Tom?
TOM: I kept the faith for so long, just to be betrayed by the most cliché of clichés!

 Krista actually smiled.
You're forgiven. A facsimile of laughter filled his mind,

CROW: Followed by an email of mirth.
JOEL: And an instant message of joviality.

 and he knew it was Krista's, even as he realized that he'd never heard her laugh out loud before.
TOM: It was a sound that would haunt his soul for life.
CROW: [Whispering] The humor... the humor...

 Tell Lord Frieza that I'm grateful for the promotion. I will, Sergeant. Rest now. You'll want to enjoy your time off.
JOEL: All ten minutes of it.

 That laughter filled his mind again and then she was gone, and Zarbon could see that she'd gone to sleep.
TOM: Man! She must be a narcoleptic or something.
JOEL: Bending people to your will must be tiring.

 Feeling oddly lonely now that she was no longer in his mind, he turned and walked to his quarters. "Nichiyoubi wa hitori no hi, Peach Pie wo, yaita ato..."

JOEL: Umm... Sure!
TOM: I think she said, "Waiter, my Peach Pie explode with loud report!"

 Zarbon could hear her singing through the door. He smiled unconsciously. She could really sing.
TOM: Oh, come on! She's just piling on the MS clichés now!
JOEL: In for one, in for them all.
CROW: All I know is if small animals start to gather around her, I'm leaving!

 She must have turned her translator off, though, because he couldn't understand the foreign words.
"Sentakumono hosu you ni
shinkokyuu de nesobetta.
Furueru mune ni te wo ate,
Miageru, aosugiru sora."*

CROW: So THAT'S what "Smells Like Teen Spirit" reads like!
TOM: [Singing to the tune of "Teen Spirit"] o/~ Sentakumono hosu you ni... o/~ Good grief, it fits!
JOEL & CROW: o/~ Sora sora sora! So-ra! o/~

 A little loathe to bring this impromptu concert to an end, he rang her door chime. The singing abruptly stopped, and Krista appeared at the door.

CROW: Naked.
JOEL & TOM: SAAAY!!

 When she saw who it was, a shadow of a smile passed over her features.
TOM: Then the Vorlons swooped in and blew it up!

 "Commander. Come on in."
Zarbon stepped in and raised a brow.
The walls were plastered with drawings-very well done drawings-of different people, different animals.
TOM: And she's probably an skilled poet as well...
CROW: Oh, get over it already! We've read more blatant - and frankly worse written - SIs before. Why's this one bugging you so much?
TOM: Because - darn it - I never held out faith that long before. I've been betrayed and it hurts! Leave me alone!
CROW: Well, maybe I will!
TOM: Yeah, and that's pretty good!
CROW: Now I'm givin' it back to you!
TOM: YEAH!
CROW: YEAH!
TOM: <SIGH> Oh, thanks Crow! I needed that!

 He recognized one picture as a group of defenders who had been on earth, some of the few women to show up. The only thing that gave them away was the short skirts of their uniforms, he thought to himself.
JOEL: [Zarbon] I could do without all the tentacles here, though...

 He turned to another picture, of a yellow animal with red spots on it's cheeks, and a striped back.
CROW: And tentacles!
TOM: It's Pikachthulu!

 Pikachu, the word floated into his mind. He raised a brow towards Krista, who smiled. It's a Pikachu, a pocket monster.
JOEL: [Zarbon] Joy to children, bane to adults.

 At once his mind was filled with a memory that wasn't his:
CROW: [Zarbon as Krista] N-no! No, Mommy! Not the eggbeater! NOT THE EGG BEATER!!!

 He was running through the forest towards the lake, trying to out-run his big brother. He tripped and fell, his long blue hair draping over his face. When he picked himself up, he was face to face with a real, live Pikachu! He smiled.
JOEL: [Zarbon] Oh wow! She must've been so high right then!

 "Hello, Pikachu," he said softly. "I won't hurt you."
He reached out to pet it, but a small jolt of electricity jumping from the Pikachu's electric sacs in it's cheeks made him think otherwise. He stood, heard Touma calling him. He turned and began to run back towards Touma, looking over his shoulder one last time at the mouse-like pocket monster...

CROW: Who promptly flipped him a Poké-bird!
JOEL: Gotta gesture 'em all!

 Zarbon blinked. "How did you do that?"
"I'm what's called a mutant," Krista said softly.

ALL: Well, of course you are!

 "That means I have powers not many other humans have."
TOM: [Krista] And extra body parts. But I don't like to talk about those...

 "That's quite a gift," Zarbon said admiringly.
JOEL: [Zarbon] Blowing up whole planets is fine 'n' dandy! But mind reading! That's cool!

 "More like a curse," she said softly. "Mutants are persecuted by other humans on earth."
CROW: Umm... Are talking the same DBZ Earth where talking pigs are commonplace, and the leader of the military is a cat?
TOM: We're knee-deep in "Smile and nod" territory, Crow.

 She shook her head and smiled brightly, dispelling the cloud of gloom that had seemed to settle over her in those few moments. "But we're not on Earth, are we? What did you come for, sir?"

CROW: Somebody cue the violins!
JOEL: [Director] Mood lighting! We need mood lighting over here!

 "I came to make sure you were all right. You go back on duty tomorrow."
TOM: That was one quick week!
CROW: They're running on video game time.

 "Don't I know it," she said, sighing. "But I suppose I've got to go back sometime." "I think you'll find the bridge a much friendlier place now," Zarbon said.

JOEL: [Zarbon] We boosted some furnishings from some planet called... D'Z NI LAN, I think.

 Krista smiled and nodded.
"I'm sure I will."
Zarbon turned and left. As the door closed behind him, he was sure
he heard

" Ai suru hito no namae wo
chiisai yonde mita
yasashiku yasashiku..."

TOM: o/~ She is the one named Sailor Moon! o/~
JOEL: Umm... No.

 "There she is..."
TOM: o/~ Miss America! o/~

 Jeice chuckled coldly. Word had arrived far before the ship that Lord Frieza had taken a woman on board. Jeice hadn't believed it for a moment, but now he saw her with his own eyes...

CROW: That Earth women are highly overrated.
JOEL: As an earth male, I take offense to that!
CROW: Bite me, pink boy!

 She looked scared. That wasn't unusual, he thought to himself amusedly. Cadets always looked scared. Some didn't survive. He turned to Guido. Think Zarbon's put her through the wringer yet?" he asked. Guido shrugged, blinking all four eyes.
CROW: [Guido] Don't think so... She can still walk.
TOM: Ooh! Uncalled for!

 "Hard to say," he said, looking closely at Zarbon. "Might have, might not have." "In any case," Burter put in. "We'll be sure to introduce her, won't we men?" He grinned.

JOEL: [Burter] Oh, I hope she likes me! Is my uniform clean? Is my skull on straight?

 The men are all staring at me...
Zarbon smiled a little. That's because they're not used to seeing a woman in uniform.
TOM: Outside of the afore mentioned female Saiyans...

 Most of them won't hurt you.
Most of them??
A sigh entered her mind.

CROW: [Zarbon] Gods, why do I always get the dense ones?

 Some are like Dodoria...but I did make a promise to you, did I not? Don't worry...Zarbon mentally directed her attention to a specific group of men sitting together. They are the ones to worry about. They're the Ginyu Force, the strongest we have here. They're all a match for Lord Frieza himself,
JOEL: If they all jumped him at once.
CROW: And only if Frieza were to lose his mind and forget to transform.

 and they tend to "rule the roost" if you will. Of course, their captain, Here, Zarbon highlighted a tall man standing in the corner. Captain Ginyu is the most dangerous one. Though, judging from the way you fought me, that may have just changed.
TOM: Go ahead and try it! Oh *pleeeease* go ahead and try it!
CROW: Bitter, maybe?
TOM: My contempt runneth over. Why hide it?

 Zarbon did not bother hiding his amusement from his thoughts. Krista wasn't sure if it was amusement regarding the Captain or herself. Krista flushed, which only added to the men's amusement. I'm not that good...
JOEL: Yet...
TOM: False modesty gets you nowhere, Krista...

 If Lord Frieza saw fit to take you with us, rather than kill you, then rest assured, you are that good.
CROW: [Triple H] You're that damn good-ah!!!
TOM: Never do that again, Crow!

 She walked with Zarbon to her new, permanent quarters. Zarbon smiled.
JOEL: [Zarbon] Heh, heh! Time to make my move!

 Krista realized that it was truly the first time Zarbon had actually smiled at her, not smirked.
CROW: It frightened her in ways she never dreamed possible!

 "Here is your permanent quarters, where you will be residing during your career here. You are allowed to decorate according to your own liking, you know," he added, grinning. He turned and walked to the door. "By the way, Sergeant," he added over his shoulder. "There's no backing out now."

TOM: [Zarbon] We locked all the exits! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

 He left. Krista looked around her (much more spacious) quarters and suddenly paled. "What have I done?" she asked herself.
CROW: Written yourself into a DBZ afterschool special. Next question?

 To Be Continued...

TOM: Three of the scariest words in our vocabulary!
{Crow and Joel grunt in assent}
(Yes, there is another fic to come. Don't worry, it's summer. It'll be up quite soon. Read and Review please, pretty please, por favor, sil vous plait, onegai!)

JOEL: No.
CROW: Hell no!
TOM: Ovgr zr, Cvax Tveyl!

 *The opening song for Video Girl Ai. Great show, great OAV. Get it if you can.
JOEL: How 'bout if we don't and say we did?
TOM: Let's roll, guys!

 {All leave}

[ 6 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 1 ]...[ * ]

JOEL: All in all, that story wasn't so bad, was it?

CROW: Sure... If you ignore the blatant disregard for DBZ canon and that big ol' hunk of Afterschool special at the end. It was a pretty good read!

TOM: Decently written, good establishment of plot, and Krista wasn't really *THAT* bad a Mary Sue. I just wish that it didn't seem like three or four anime universes got twisted around just to make her that much more important.

CROW: And one comic book universe.

TOM: Right.

JOEL: It seemed like Dr. Forrester sent this fic more to annoy Tom than to try to make us crack!

TOM: Strike three on that score, baby!

CROW: But you do realize that there's gonna be a sequel, right? And at the direction this was heading in, I see a post-coital declaration of love in Zarbon's future!

TOM: [Bursting into tears] NOOO!!! Not more Mary-Sue clichés! NOOOO!!!

JOEL: That was mean, Crow.

CROW: Just getting back for that whole ram chip thing!

TOM: <SNIFF!> By the way, we've got something coming in on the hexfield...

JOEL: We do! Who'd be calling us now?

{The Hexfield Viewscreen opens up to reveal a pretty, blue-haired woman wearing stylized Saiyan armor.}

ALL: Krista?!?

KRISTA: Hi! You all remember me! It's been so long since I've seen you all, I was afraid you wouldn't!

CROW: Umm... We've met before?

JOEL: Yeah. I mean, we've never seen your name before today's story.

KRISTA: Now that isn't a very nice way to tease you best friend in the whole world, now is it?

JOEL: Our best... [goes all glassy-eyed, then recovers]  Oh, yeah! Krista! We used to do that thing together!

CROW: Yeah... Yeah! We used to hang out at the mall doing... That thing!

TOM: Boy we've missed you! So what brings this little visit?

KRISTA: Well, since you were reading "Life's Surprises" tonight - I figured that I'd ring you up and let you know that everything turned out okay in the end?

JOEL: It did? I mean, you didn't have any problems with Frieza trying to blast you or anything like that? Or any problems with Zarbon?

KRISTA: Oh, Frieza? Ah, he's a really sweetie! Once we got to know each other, he really started to mellow out! Stopped blowing up planets and everything! And Zarbon! Mmm... Let's just say that there were never any issues with him.

{A blue-haired, light blue-skinned little girl toddles into view}

GIRL: C'mon, Mommy! Uncle Frieza's about to tell the Planet Vegeta story again!

KRISTA: Okay, sweetie! Gotta go, guys! Talk to you later! [Hexfield closes]

ALL: *SIGH!!*

TOM: It was good to see her again, wasn't it!

JOEL; Oh, yeah!

CROW: It was just like old times.

[Pause]

TOM: Umm... What old times?

CROW: And when were we best friends?

ALL. Yeah...

TOM: Guys, I'm feelin' a bit twisted up and violated.

JOEL: Me too... How do you feel, sirs?

{Back at Deep 13, Dr. Forrester is looking a haggard, but still his normal smug self}

DR.F: Hmm... A nice sense of helplessness and violation. I'd say that I got my money's worth from that fic. Couple that with the indestructible Frank, and I dare say this is almost the best day of my Mad Scientist career! Now, if I could just catch that damn tribble... [Turns around] Hey, Frank! Any luck with those traps?

FRANK: [Walking in] Nope, but I put up some of those neon lights you had in storage to try to lure him in. Fuzzy loves bright light!

DR.F: [To self] Neon lights? I... [Loudly] FRANK!!! You didn't install those super-bug zappers, did you?!? Do you know what'll happen if Fuzzy even gets near one of those?!?

{As if on cue, there's a giant, crackling zap from the distance. Frank stands straight up convulsing for a second, then stiffens up and falls forward onto the console, hitting the button.}
 
        \     |     /
         \   |   /
           \ | /
 << FWOOOSH >>
           / | \
         /   |   \
       /     |     \

DR.F: [Off screen] *SIGH!*

<< Will Dr. Forrester manage to resurrect Crow-Frank? Will Joel and the Bots ever get over their exposure to Krista? Will Krista return? And what about Scarecrow's brain?!? Find out in the next episode of Mystery Science Freezer!>>
 

1

1
Hosted by www.Geocities.ws