After such high praise from our revered Webmassa for my last MWT3K contribution, I’ve decided to give it another go. "ABSOLUTE GENIUS"? Please, that’s too much. (Shut up, Fred!) I’ll settle for mildly entertaining at this point. Really? You mean it? Well, if you insist. No, I couldn’t take money. Well, I could, but I doubt I’ll ever see any, so it’s not worth thinking about it. Anyway, in my ongoing quest to find new and interesting articles, columns, etc. to riff on, just to escape the ignorance that is Zippy The Pinheaded Recapper, I’ve wasted some time recently on the PWTorch.com Guest Editorials, primarily because they were easy to rip to shreds. Recently, thanks to the OW.com forum, I ran across an article that may finally give me some real material to work with. I’ll leave you with one word, that should tell you everything you need to know… HYATTE. (Yes, he of the now infamous "Mop-Ups" that were deemed too controversial for Scoops, and the "And Another Thing" columns that make crystal clear just how much of a pinhead he really is. Go ahead, Hyatte, give out my e-mail address. See if I give a flying rat’s snotball, you self-important twit. It’s not like people can’t find me if they really want to.) [DISCLAIMER: Thanks go out to Fred and DCCMM’s Freezer for providing most of the comments for the riffing sequence- you RULE, Freeze! And Fred’s okay, too… sometimes…] So, given the intro, it’s time once again for us to journey to the Satellite of… [note to self: think up name for Satellite], for…

MYSTERY WRESTLING THEATER 3000

Theme song (to the tune of the "MST3K" theme)

In the not too future
Next someday AD
There lived this guy named Mickey
Not too different from you or me

He worked on his own wrestling site
He made sure the hacks had their facts just right
He did a good job riffing cyberspace
But the marks didn’t like it, so they shot him into space!

(What…the…F*ck!)

(Vinniemac)We’ll send him rotten postings
The worst we can find!

(La, la, la!)

(Madden)He’ll have to sit and read them all
All the better to blow his mind!

(La, la, la!)

Now keep in mind Mickey can’t control
where the postings begin or end.

(La, la, la!)

He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his UGoS friends…

UGoS role call:

Kenny! (Babe magnet)
Freezer! (Disturbing!)
Orange Viking (Dark!)
Saint JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMES (That’s one A!)

If you’re wondering how they eat or breathe
And other science facts

(La, la, la!)

Just repeat to yourself "It’s in the script"
I should really just relax.

For Mystery Wresting Theater 3000! <Twang!>

Door Sequence [6]…[5]…[4]…[3]…[2]…[1]

[We open on the Satellite, as Freezer and SJ are STILL arguing over whether wrestling is fake or scripted…]

Freezer: Look, we all know it’s not fake. Those guys are taking real bumps that hurt. In Jeff Hardy’s case, they’re not quite enough for him to kill himself, but still…

SJ: Yeah, but those guys know how to fall. Anyway, there’s no real heat out there. Those guys go out after the shows and throw back a few beers… speaking of which, Mick better have my Amstel Light delivery scheduled, or there’ll be hell to pay…

Freezer: OF COURSE THEY’RE FRIENDS! That’s because it’s scripted, dammit!

SJ: FAKE, DAMMIT!

Freezer: Look, you want me to pretend you’re Hy Larious, and cram you into an empty can of Planter’s Salted Cashews?

SJ: Look, I may have a pipe cleaner physique, but I’d like to see you try that!

Freezer: Okay, you asked… [Freezer advances toward SJ, when OV steps in between them]

OV: Hold on, partner. Don’t blame SJ, he’s just suffering from NON-alcohol withdrawal. And he is entitled to his opinion, being not Canadian and all.

Freezer: But he’s talking crap!

SJ: HEY! And what’s all this Canadian hostility, OV?

Freezer: Oh God, I wish you hadn’t asked that…

OV: [takes a deep breath and winds up] For you see, Canadians are the living embodiment of evil. Evil right down to their cold black hearts which pump, not blood like yours our mine, but a thick vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clogs in their pea sized brains, which becomes the cause of their Nazist pattern of violent behavior. Do you understand? [DISCLAIMER: Gleefully ripped off from South Park Episode 104.]

SJ: Damn, now I wish I hadn’t asked that.

Freezer: I told you so.

SJ: Oh yeah? FAKE, DAMMIT!

Freezer: SCRIPTED, DAMMIT!

[While the argument rages, and OV tries to keep the two separated, Kenny walks over to "Maple Leaf" Mickey, who is clearly depressed about something.]

Kenny: Yo Mick! What’s up?

MLM: Ah nothing. Nothing at all.

Kenny: Oh hell, not this again.

MLM: Not what again?

Kenny: Look, it’s not our fault that you’re trapped up here and can’t communicate with Earth. Fred did that, so stop moping around and cheer the fuck up!

MLM: Yeah well, you’re not the one who…

[MLM is interrupted by the all too familiar red light]

Kenny: MADS sign?

MLM: [slowly stands up and sighs heavily] MADS sign. [walks over and hits the button]

[We see Deep Whatever, as Fred is yelling at Mark Madden]

Fred: Look Madden, if I ever hear you say ‘Snootchie Boochies" on TV again, I’m personally going to have Kevin Smith kick your ass, okay? I mean, have you ever seen ‘Clerks’?

Madden: Well of course not! You think I’d watch anything as good as that? I work for WCW, for crying out loud!

Fred: Hrmmm… that is a point. [Fred hears Vince McMahon calling from the next room] Okay, shut up, Lunchbox, the boss is calling. What’s that? The viewscreen? [Fred turns to the screen to see the 5 UGOS prisoners staring back at him.] AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!

[Satellite]

Kenny: Wazzup?!

ALL (except MLM): Wazzup?!

[DW]

Fred: Don’t start that with me! And what’s wrong with Mick? Wait, don’t tell me…

[Satellite]

Kenny: Yeah, I just don’t get it. It’s not like we all don’t have female problems. Hell, that’s the problem- we don’t have females up here, you bastard!

SJ: Actually, Kenny, I rather like that we don’t have females up here- gets me away from my wife for at least a couple of seconds. My problem is that we don’t have any beer up here. [to Fred] You bastard!

[DW]

Fred: Awwww, poor babies. Actually, I think that deserves a ‘poor, POOR babies.’

Madden: Yeah, snoogans.

Fred: Madden, so help me Benoit, I will castrate you with a butter knife if you don’t shut the fuck up!

Madden: HA! That’s where I’ve got you- you can’t castrate me…

[Satellite]

ALL: STOP!!! Our ears are bleeding!!!

Freezer: God…DAMN you!

[DW]

Fred: Sorry guys. Even I’m not that evil. Anyway, somebody slap Mick around a bit- it’s time for the Invention Exchange.

[Satellite]

OV: Ooh! Ooh! Can I?! PLEASE?!

Kenny: Not so fast, O Orange One. I believe that’s my job, since Jake Roberts isn’t anywhere to be found.

SJ: That was pretty obscure, Kenny.

Freezer: Hey, it’s what Kenny does.

Kenny: Look, I want any backtalk out of the peanut gallery, I’ll have Curtis beat it out of you. [to MLM] Mick! MICK! It’s Invention Exchange time!

MLM: [looks up at Kenny] What? Oh, okay. [MLM halfheartedly trudges over to a rolling cart covered in a sheet, and wheels it back over in front of the viewscreen] Now… I can’t do it. Freeze, you want to take over?

Freezer: Fine! You big baby… Anyway, our inventions for today have some very practical value for today’s wrestling booker. Say, for instance, that you are Vince McMahon…

[DW]

Fred: [in robotic, trancelike voice] I… am… Vince… McMahon…

[Satellite]

Freezer: It was a figure of speech, numbnuts. Anyway, you’re Vince McMahon- NOT LITERALLY!!!- and you’re in a bind in terms of making matches for your TV shows. You haven’t given sufficient time to starting compelling feuds… in years… but you’re pressed to fill air time. So, why not break out this- the WWF Lotto-Ball Booking Hamper! For truly random matches that have absolutely no reason or rationale for occurring! Give the Hamper a spin, and watch the lotto-balls!

[The lotto-balls start popping out one at a time into separate tubes, until 4 have exited the Hamper.]

Okay, we have… Tazz… Jerry Lawler… Chris Jericho… and Raven?! Da hell?! Where the fuck did that come from?!

OV: And you thought Vince knew what he was doing!

Freezer: But, just in case you like to have a little more control over the random match-making than the unpredictability of lotto-balls, why not try this- the WWF Booking Dartboard! That’s right, it’s a dartboard with the entire WWF roster printed on specific sections, so that when you throw the darts, you can generate a match for the show! The dartboard comes with darts in sets of 2, for singles matches, tag teams, or even the most cumbersome of all, 6-man tag matches! Let’s try, shall we? [Freezer throws a dart]

OV: OW!

Freezer: Sorry, partner! SJ, go get that dart, will you?

SJ: I’d rather not.

Freezer: SJ…

SJ: Look, this isn’t in my contract. I agreed to be in this stupid Mystery Wrestling Theatre column, but nobody said anything about pulling a dart out of OV’s ass!

Kenny: [slaps SJ upside the head] MORON! Don’t show behind the curtain!

SJ: Oh… sorry… [he walks over and gingerly removes the dart from OV’s posterior] Here, Freeze.

Freezer: Thank you, Kenny. Now, let’s try this again… [Freezer throws the dart again, and it lands in the space marked "Chris Benoit"] Ah, there we go- now for his tag team partner… [The dart lands on the space marked "Kurt Angle"] Now, let’s stop for a minute. We’ve got Benoit and Angle on one team. The best way to go about this is to see who’s feuding with these two, and then go from there. Mind you, this only works if you’ve got a really skilled dart thrower, and with that in mind- Kenny?

Kenny: Fine, leave me to do the dirty work. [Kenny quickly throws 2 darts, as they land on the spaces marked "Rock" and "Triple H"]

SJ: Wait a god…DAMNED minute! Isn’t Triple Feh a heel?! Didn’t he have literally millions of matches against The Rock? Why are they teaming together?

Freezer: Sound familiar? See, it’s just that simple.

[DW]

Fred: Wow! Those are pretty cool… [Fred is interrupted by Vince, who is tucking his shirt back into his pants]

Vince: Thanks, Hunter! Now, what’s going on out here?

Fred: Well, we’ve just started the Invention Exchange…

Vince: Hey! How did they get ahold of my Dartboard and Hamper?!

[Satellite]

Kenny: Oh, you have GOT to be kidding.

Freezer: I should have known. It was too good to be true.

SJ: Mother-fucker.

[DW]

Vince: Hell, I’ve had those toys for years! How else do you explain all the ‘WTF?’ matches we’ve put on TV?! I even use the Hamper to develop gimmicks and determine pushes!

[Satellite]

Kenny: Well, I guess that explains what happened to Jericho.

[DW]

Vince: Anyway… where’s the other little piggy?

[Satellite]

Kenny: He’s over in the corner, sulking again.

[DW]

Vince: Again?! Damn, what’s wrong with you, man?!

Fred: Uh, boss? I wouldn’t if I were you.

Vince: You wouldn’t what, TV’s Fred? And you’ll NEVER be me.

[Satellite]

OV: Good news for you, Fred.

MLM: [from over in the corner] Did he ask what’s wrong with me?!

ALL: NO!

Kenny: No- you just sit there and keep doing what you’re doing, Mick. I’ll handle this.

Freezer: I’ll handle this.

SJ: I’ll handle this.

OV: I can’t handle this.

[DW]

Madden: Snootchie boochie noochies!

Fred: Stop that! And you too, Madden!

Vince: I assume you’re finished with your once-again-completely-unoriginal inventions? Good- TV’s Fred, would you bring in my masterpiece? [Fred walks to the back of the room, and catches a glimpse of Vince’s "ready room"… "AAAAHHH!!!!"] Just bring it here! Damn, can’t get good help these days… Anyway, my invention this week is something that will revolutionize professional wrestling as we know it. We’re all familiar with the booking exploits of one Virgil Runnels, also known as Dusty Rhodes, I take it? The creator of the infamous and well-hated ‘Dusty Finish’ TM? Well, now the ‘Dusty Finish’ TM isn’t limited to just a Dusty Rhodes-booked company- you too can now enjoy the comforts of a non-conclusive finish that all fans hate with this- the Dusty Finish TM Random Generator!!! [The Generator looks exactly like a slot machine] First, you drop these specially manufactured coins, with the name of the wrestler or tag team on it, into the slot- pull the handle, and voila- the Generator gives you the finish! For example, Fred?

Fred: We’ll insert the WWF Tag Title match coin with Edge & Christian against The Hardy Boyz into the Generator… now pull the handle… and… [the readout shows "Edge & Christian use a chair to get disqualified"] Now that’s genius! Let’s try another, shall we? How about Rock v. Benoit for the WWF Title? [Fred drops the coins in and pulls the lever- the readout shows "Rock wins after commissioner restarts match, after Benoit having been awarded the title".] God…DAMMIT! [to Vince] This sucks!

Vince: Not to me, it doesn’t. I hate everybody, remember? And how’d you like that drop in your stock price?

Fred: Fume.

[Satellite]

Kenny: Figures- Vince’d cause his own stock value to drop just to prove how much he hates us.

Freezer: As long as we never find out what was going on with Triple Feh back there.

OV: I think they were…

Freezer: OV! Stop that! Geez…

[DW]

Vince: This is ponderous.

Madden: SPINAROONI!

Fred: Damn you, Madden…

Vince: Fred, take him back to my ready room…

Fred: Sure thing, boss… WHAT?!

Vince: Just do it. Ha, that’ll get the stock price back up if everybody thinks I’ve got a deal with Nike. Anyway, it’s time to end this witty banter. This week’s experiment will be more of a challenge for you than last time. Whereas you had to deal with the whiny bitch, Bret Hart himself- this week you get an even more arduous task.

[Satellite]

OV: What- trying to make sense of a WWF angle?

Freezer: Trying desperately to convince SJ that Vince Russo ISN’T a fucking genius?

SJ: HEY!

Kenny: Trying to shake Mick out of his self-induced social coma?

MLM: I heard that.

Kenny: So?

[DW]

Vince: No, my little Lincoln Logs. You will be subjected to the ramblings of a so-called "wrestling journalist" known as Chris Hyatte.

[Satellite]

SJ: Oh shit- there goes the neighborhood.

Freezer: Not Hyatte!! You mean the guy who used to write the "Mop-Ups" for Scoops before Isaacs finally figured out that the guy was an untalented hack who only knew how to tell Pat Patterson jokes?!

Kenny: Kinda makes you wonder if he’s secure with himself, you know?

ALL: It’s true!

[DW]

Vince: Whatever. It’s time for the experiment, so have at it! [TV’s Fred interrupts Vince…]

Fred: Say, Mr. Mac-Mann…

Vince: Stop that!

Fred: Sorry. Anyway, I was just wondering…

Vince: What?

Fred: Well, you know how much I despise Bret Hart… wait, ‘despise’ is such a strong word… how about ‘actively don’t care’ about Bret Hart?

Vince: Yes…

Fred: Well, I was wondering if maybe I could sit in on the experiment this week?

Vince: You do realize that they’re on a satellite, right? And they blame you for trapping them up there, right?

Fred: [not quite getting it] Yeah, and…?

Vince: Look, never mind. I can’t put you on that satellite.

Fred: Well, can’t you like beam a hologram of me up there? I really wanna sit in on this!

Vince: Hrmmm… that’s an idea, I suppose. Of course, you realize that you’re ruining next week’s invention exchange.

Fred: Sorry, boss.

Vince: Never mind. I’ll do it, just because it amuses me to do so, knowing that the little 5 golden rings can’t do anything about you, no matter how annoying you might be. Consider it done.

[Satellite]

Kenny: You can’t be serious! You’re sticking a Holo-Fred in the experiment with us?!

Freezer: Oh, how I loathe thee…

[DW]

Vince: Feelings mutual, of course. I hate everybody.

[Satellite]

Kenny: Well, fuck. Somebody grab Mick and wheel him over here, okay? [The wind starts up] We’ve got commentary!!!
 

[1]…[2]…[3]…[4]…[5]…[6]

[All take their seats]
 

And Another Thing: Hart Pounding Commentary

SJ: And edge of your seat action!

MLM: Whatever.

Kenny: Mick, you don’t cheer the fuck up, I’m breaking a foot off in your ass.

Freezer: Eeewwwwww…

Kenny: Well, I didn’t say it would be my foot, now did I?

Freezer: Point.

Posted By Chris Hyatte on 9.25.00

Bret Hart can't be satisfied.

Freezer: Has he tried Viagra?

Holo-Fred (hereafter referred to as HF): Well, Christ…look at the harpy he married. That would make any man impotent.

Time after time, he finds something to complain about. No matter what WCW does... or tries to do, it's not enough.

HF: Since when has WCW tried to do anything with Bret…anything that makes SENSE, anyway?

SJ: HEY! Vince Russo is a fucking genius!

Freezer: WHAT?! [about to go off on a rant, but OV stops him]

OV: Just sit there and nod, partner- maybe he’ll go away if we ignore him. [looks over at SJ] Damn, didn’t work.

He'll always find something to cry about. "Waah waah waaah... my head hurts. Waah waah waaah...

HF: When did Bret become Charlie Brown’s frikkin’ teacher?

I was screwed.

OV: BRET SCREWED BRET, dammit. Which isn’t too inaccurate.

Waah waah waaah... WCW won't pay me after Goldberg stiffed me in the head.

HF: Insert homoerotic wrestling joke here.

SJ: Okay. Why does Scott Steiner wear that chain-mail head-dress?

Freezer: I don’t know, SJ- why DOES he wear it?

SJ: Because…

MLM: STOP THAT! That’s enough!

SJ: Ah, you’re no fun.

HF: Yeah, that’s what she said.

MLM: [looks menacingly at Holo-Fred] Keep it up, bitch… you’ll get yours.

Waah waa waaah... my Brother died."

SJ: Well, he doesn't go "Waah waah waaah..."

OV: At least not in public..

Luckily, Internet Writers have almost universally banded together and said,

HF: Pink and black makes you look GAY!

Freezer: Unlike Scott Steiner.

ALL: Who is so VERY NOT gay.

"Enough, Bret! Stop being such a crybaby! Suck it up and try to adjust to today's brand of wrestling.

HF: No, actually. We want him NOT to adjust to today’s brand of wrestling. The problem IS, he HAS adjusted, and whines aboot it incessantly. Either adjust and shut up or fight. Don’t play both sides and whine.

OV: ‘Aboot’? What are you, Canadian?

Kenny: Shit, here goes OV and his anti-Canadian stuff again…

If you can't, then just go away. Quit whining and be a professional. We are all sick and tired of this!"

Kenny: Y'know, Hyatte? It ain't just the writers.

SJ: Yep! The fans are pretty sick of that shit, too!

HF: Uh-oh, I feel an extended rant coming on…

Kenny: You sure that’s what it is?

OV: Gah, that’s too much for even my normal brand of darkness!

HF: [ignoring Kenny] I’m very very sorry he got hurt. Talk to Orlando Brown. Talk to Steve Young. It happens. It sucks, but that’s life. There ARE things that can be done. Whining only pisses people off. Talk to Kirby Puckett. His career was ended due to a horrible accident, and he accepted it and moved on. He’s still involved in the sport he loves, baseball, but he retired from active duty when IT BECAME OBVIOUS HE COULDN’T PLAY ANYMORE. Bret, it’s been a YEAR and you still have symptoms of a concussion. You REALLY think you can still wrestle, HONESTLY?

Freezer: Well, better than Triple Feh, anyway.

HF: HEY!

You know something? After some thought, I've decided that I'm sick of this crap too.

SJ: Then this is going to be a pretty short column.

HF: Hyatte? Thought? Since when do those two words go together??

All of you Internet Writers can go straight to Hell.

All: HUH?!?

How dare you criticize Bret Hart for being bitter.

Freezer: Pretty damned easily.

OV: Because he refuses to shut up?

Kenny: Because he acts like no one believes his story, even though no one has ever disputed his side of the events?

How dare you act so incredulous that someone so well-known would publicly speak his mind about the sport that he spent his ENTIRE life involved in.

Kenny: Because take away "Owen's dead," and the line hasn't changed since 1997?

HF: We don’t act so incredulous that someone so well-known would publicly speak his mind. We criticize him for WHINING ABOOT IT, dumbass.

OV: Again with the ‘aboot’…

From day one, Bret has lived, breathed, drank, and ate professional wrestling. This was his life. Maybe you people need a reminder of what Bret is all about?

SJ: We already know, BECAUSE HE WON'T FUCKING SHUT UP ABOUT IT!!!

Professional wrestling defined who he was...

OV: And it doesn't now?

and in return, he tried to define wrestling in a respectable manner.

HF: Yeah, and I tried to run a rental car office in a profitable manner, but it got shoved up my ass and I got fired. I moved on. I got another job. If Bret is destitute, learn to fucking type and get a real job. Then he can be someone’s bitch in real life instead of playing one on TV.

SJ: [snicker]

HF: What?

SJ: Oh… nothing… [snicker]

He spent ten years in the WWF before winning the world title.

OV: I think some guy with the initials "H.H." had more to do with that.

Ten years honing his craft as a member of the Hart Foundation. Ten years slaving away on the road, quietly working under the shadow of Hulk-A-Mania and larger than life characters.

Freezer: Ten years tied to the oar of a slave galley.

Kenny: Ten years toiling in a coal mine.

OV: Ten years of listening to his own whiny diatribes.

His was an emphasized substance against a world of exaggerated styles. He never complained. He simply bided his time.

Kenny: No, when Bret Hart was coming up wrestling was still wrestling for the most part, with a couple of exeptions.

All: *COUGH*hogan*COUGH*

HF: Remove the Hart Foundation part, and you’re talking about approximately 1,587,293 other wrestlers out there. To name a few: Chris Benoit. Chris Jericho. Eddy Guerrero. 2 Cold Scorpio. British Bulldog. STING. ARN FUCKING ANDERSON. {fill in more}. Bret got a major run as champion and a chance to carry a company on his back. NOT MANY people can say that. It’s like the spoiled child who has to make do with a Corvette instead of a Porsche. You did things millions of people DREAMED of doing, Bret, and now you’re whining that your career is over. I, for one, refuse to feel sorry for you.

Freezer: Hey OV, feel my forehead, will you?

OV: Why?

Freezer: I think I’m getting sick, because God help me, I actually agree with Fred!!!

ALL: [collective sigh of shock and dismay]

He got his chance and became the company's number one man. The World Champion. Was it his fault that Wrestling fell out of favor with the mainstream right around the time Hulk Hogan ended his relationship with the WWF?

Freezer: Yes, it was. It's all Bret’s fault!

OV: Always was!

Maybe and maybe not.

HF: I’ll take "Flimsy Rationalizations and Excuse-Making" for $500, Alex.

Freezer: HEY! That’s my line!

All I know is that he tried to present a different and unique image of a World Champion that was missing for many years.

Kenny: A Canadian nationalist?

HF: Nonono…that was Cactus Jack’s "lost in Cleveland".

Bret actually worked. Bret actually worked hard.

HF: Again, it’s rare of uppercarders maybe…not of wrestlers.

Wow, here's a scary concept... the World Champion actually worked house shows?

SJ: Umm... Chrissy dear? Take away Hogan and Warrior, and most of your long-reigning champions could wrestle.

He actually defended his title off-camera to a roomful of grateful fans who maybe saw Hogan work their town once every two years, maybe?

OV: Well, that's because he was too busy making No Holds Barred.

HF: He’s comparing Bret to Hogan? Why stop there? "Bret was SO much better than the Iron Sheik is wasn’t funny!" Hey, how about comparing him to Ric Flair, Or Rick Martel, or Sting, or Booker T, or Shawn Michaels? Yeah, THOUGHT so.

Oh, and Bret actually had moves. Sure, the running gag was that Bret just used the "five same moves" over and over;

Freezer: The "Five Moves of Doom" What were those again, Mick?

MLM: Well, there was the second-rope elbow drop, the federally-mandated…

OV: Government-tested….

SJ: OSHA-approved…

MLM: …Russian legsweep, the backbreaker, and the I-don’t-give-a-flying-fuck-about-any-of-this!!!

Kenny: Whoa there, big guy! Settle down!

MLM: Piss off. I’m bloody sick of this.

Kenny: What’d you say to me?

MLM: I said ‘piss off’, and if you don’t like it, feel free to kill me. I welcome the sweet, sweet release…

SJ: Okay guys, Mick’s left us now. And you call me strange!

Kenny: That’s right- you’re strange. Deal with it, whilst I deal with this problem for a minute. [Kenny wheels MLM’s chair over to the corner of the theatre… the sounds of a VERY one-sided fight ensue…]

well guess what, they were three more moves than what Hogan did, and none of them involved a boot to the face and a leg drop. Oh, and Bret never posed either. Hang the bastard.

Freezer: So the whole point of this is "Bret may be turning himself into a whiny, bitter little pussy, but at least he's not Hulk Hogan?" Hey Kenny- keep it down over there, will ya?!

HF: Bret COULDN’T pose or he’d get laughed at. More so than they laughed over the pink tights anyway.

OV: What is it with you and the pink tights?

HF: I could ask you the same thing about your purple and orange tights.

SJ: He’s got you there, OV.

OV: Don’t encourage him!

The recipe for achieving the "American dream" is simple:

SJ: E=MC2?

OV: Sugar, Spice, and everything nice?

work, toil, and labor as hard as you possibly can, and you can achieve whatever you want.

SJ: Assuming someone with actual money and or prestige notices you and gives you the break you need.

Well, Bret did just that... and he got exactly what he worked for.

HF: I thought Bret was Canadian? Oops, sorry, damn "facts" getting in the way again!

Freezer: And being the son of a legend didn't hurt either.

Then things took a bad turn... a horrible turn. In the last three years, everything that Bret dedicated his life to, went sour.

HF: And this NEVER happens to anyone, anytime, anywhere. THIS is what pisses ME off more than anything, Bret acts like he’s the only person who has been shit on in his life. [Kenny walks back over and takes his seat]

OV: Where’s MLM?

Kenny: Let’s just say that he’ll be detained for a while, shall we? And leave it at that…

SJ: [pulls out notepad] Note to self: do NOT piss off Kenny.

Let's recall what Bret's has had to go through in three short years, shall we?

Kenny: Let's not and say we did.

SJ: Yeah, we've heard most of this from Bret himself!

Or would you just prefer to call him a baby some more?

Freezer: Okay, if you insist....

All: [Chanting 'Airball" style] BABY!!! BABY!!!!

Well, Bret was told by the man he trusted more than anyone, save his Father,

OV: And his brothers.

Kenny: And his wife.

SJ: And his barber.

that he was no longer "financially viable" for the company he gave his entire life to.

HF: **gasp** Bret was turfed out because he outlived his usefulness to his company? Lawdy, my entire belief system has been shattered! SHATTERED, I tell you!!

This was just a few months after the man gave him a 20 year contract because Bret was "just that valuable".

HF: ***gasp***!! HE CHANGED HIS MIND?!? BASTARD!!

Freezer: Yes, we know. It all leads to Montreal, and "Bret screwed Bret," yadda, yadda...GET TO THE FUCKING POINT!!!

Then, he was betrayed, in front of millions, and stripped of his dignity by the man he trusted,

Kenny: Mistake No. 1.

and the one worker who he could never get along with.

OV: Mistake No. 2.

HF: WHY couldn’t he get along with this man? Because Bret’s got too large an ego to admit that Shawn was, at the time, better and more popular than he ever was. And he couldn’t deal. So he threatened to take his ball in and stop playing.

SJ: I imagine that Mick would make some anti-Shawn Michaels comment right now, but since he’s over there trying to miraculously repair his broken face, I think we can move on.

To make matter worse, that night started the great WWF comeback, which they are still enjoying today.

OV: So you're saying that Vince humiliated one of his biggest stars, in a country where he was THE biggest star, on the off chance that he could make an angle out of it?

All: [ala Dr. Evil] Riiight!

Instead of becoming one of the Greats, Bret Hart is now one of the greatest scapegoats. He wasn't just humiliated in front of his home country, his humiliation is now considered the smartest move Vince McMahon has ever made.

Kenny: Now wait a fucking minute! When the hell did ANYBODY say that the Survivor Series debacle was a good thing?

Freezer: Hyatte just did?

Kenny: Well that's fucking wrong!!! What happened at Survivor Series should never have taken place, because of 2 reasons: 1) Bret Hart is a big, dumb idiot-head for taking himself too fucking seriously and not doing what he was supposed to do on his way out the door, and 2) that sort of thing, were it to happen on a regular basis, would be the death of the wrestling industry. I hate Vince McMahon as much as anybody else here- except that holo-monstrosity over there- but at least he had the good sense to turn that black mark on the business into THE big angle that turned his floundering company around. And what did Bret do? Allow Eric Bischoff to let Hulk Hogan fuck him. Pardon me if I have no sympathy for the whiny bitch!

OV: You, sir, are a GOD!

Kenny: I know.

Try dealing with that, just once.

SJ: I feel as though I have, I wonder why that is?

All: HMMM...

HF: And if it weren’t for Bret’s ego, none of it would have happened! Bret, call on line 1 for you…a Mister Mac-Mahon…message goes "nyah-nyah-nyah-nyahhh-nyahhhhhh!"

Shawn Michaels, a petty little diva who firmly ruled the locker room with his Clique of friends, refused to put over anyone; yet he was given periodic work even after he couldn't wrestle anymore.

HF: Yeah, Shawn had to retire because of injury. Funny, I haven’t read Shawn’s column whining aboot it?

OV: Look, I’m getting sick of this ‘aboot’ stuff.

Freezer: OV, buddy? Try not to get too worked up- it’s only a hologram. IT’s not as if the real Fred’s stuck up here with us.

OV: But we can’t control the hologram- it can re-appear at any time, and we’re powerless to stop it.

Freezer: [blows milk out of his nose even after NOT drinking milk] FUCK!!!

Kenny: That does it- whatever I have to do, the Family’s getting involved in this.

HF: I’d be worried if I thought there was any chance for you to make good on that threat.

Kenny: Then you’d better start getting worried, fWo-4-lunch-boy.

Shawn is welcomed into the WWF whenever he likes.

HF: Because Shawn still works for Vince. It may not be right, but kissing ass gets you somewhere sometimes.

OV: Well to be fair, he also didn't cold cock his boss just before leaving.

Bret built a reputation on making people look as good as he could, putting people over for the sake of the story, and never, ever hurting people... now he's a pariah up North. What's wrong with this picture?

HF: Nothing. He doesn’t work for Titan anymore. Savage worked hard. Flair worked hard for WWF. They work for WCW now. Duh.

Kenny: Maybe they don't want him in the company because there are too many people still there he would legitimately try to hurt? Starting with the boss and working downward?

He moved to WCW, and was thwarted by Hulk Hogan right from the get-go.

Freezer: He wasn't the only one, just the biggest one.

HF: Join the FUCKING CLUB, pal!

SJ: [does best Raven imitation] What about me? What about Raven?!

The whole plan was to milk the "Screwed Over" factor for some worth by making Bret a "Wrestling Cop" of sorts, preventing fast counts from shady Referees to keep the title around the Heel's waist. Unfortunately, the Heel was Hulk Hogan, who did not want people thinking that he needed a fast count in order to beat Sting,

HF: The "whole plan"?? Since WHEN?! He did it ONCE!

SJ: But Hogan didn't have a problem with openly cheating or having the entire nWo run in to help?

Freezer: Hyatte's off in his own little world, isn't he?

OV: Much like MLM, apparently.

so he made the Referee count normal. There was no fast count.

HF: Hogan screwed someone’s heat? NEVER!

Bret knew this, but he tried to sell the story anyway. Because of Hogan, Bret's first WCW angle fizzled.

Kenny: Tell it to Ric Flair. Or Steve Austin. Or………..

He was put in a program with Flair for a while, turned Heel, turned Face, flip-flopped like that constantly... even right up to today. Oh look, Bret's a face! Oh, wait... he's a Heel. Nobody popped, either way. How could they? He's turned Heel so many times it's become obligatory.

HF: WCW booking sucks. This is NOT a new concept.

SJ: Again- HEY! Vince Russo…

ALL: [in sing-song, mocking SJ voice] …is a fucking genius. Yeah we’ve heard it all before…

SJ: But he is!

Freezer: [condescendingly pats SJ on the head] SJ, just sit there and be a good boy, and your uncle Freezer will get you some ice cream after the show, ‘kay?

SJ: Really?! WOO-H--- HEY!

A year later, Bret's younger brother Owen died. Violently, abruptly, and pointlessly. He died getting ready to drop from the ceiling in an exhibition of flash that went against everything Bret stood for.

Freezer: Yes, but...

Kenny: And that's a very big but...

OV: Leave Stephanie McMahon out of this!

Freezer: AS..I...WAS...SAYING... but that had nothing with Bret! It was Owen choice to make and he could have said no!

HF: Besides, it was an ACCIDENT! It was a cruel twist of fate that his surname was Hart. It was tragic, but, shockingly, he was not killed to get back at Bret. Sorry to break it to you, Hitman…the wrestling world doesn’t revolve around you.

Everyone agreed, it was an accident. Should that make Bret feel better? Should he forgive and forget?

Freezer: Umm...Why should he have too? It was an accident.

There is a lawsuit, but it doesn't look too promising. Does that mean Bret should stop being upset over it?

All: YES!

HF: The reason the lawsuit doesn’t look promising is THAT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT (see a pattern?) No, Bret shouldn’t stop being upset aboot it, but he should stop blaming people who were as innocent as Owen himself was.

The funeral even helped insult the man. The WWF promised that they would show no footage of the Funeral, but they did.

SJ: This Bret has a right to be upset about. That’s one out of…what, seventy trillion?

Kenny: But being mad at Vince for being a bastard? You might as well get mad at snakes for biting people.

Vince McMahon told the world of a private conversation they shared, where he painted Bret as a whiner who blamed Vince for everything that went wrong with his life. Nice.

Freezer: And once again, we go back to the "Who believes Vince McMahon, anyway" discussion.

OV: Millions of lemmings?

Freezer: Touche!

Then, finally... WCW, under Vince Russo, finally gave Bret a good, solid angle to work through.

HF: {Laughs uproariously}

He was put in a program with Goldberg and given the WCW title.

HF: AND HE STILL WHINED!

He was getting over as a solid heel, and even became the leader of the re-formed NWO.

HF: Yeah, but it was the NEW NWO!

SJ: But… I liked the new NWO…

OV: Of course you did…

Then, Goldberg, the WCW Golden Boy, closed his eyes and blindly drove his foot in Bret's head.

Freezer: I'm sensing some anti-Goldberg hostility here.

OJ: Really! Goldberg's done that exact same kick that exact same way to how many people?

SJ: I think being thin-skinned had something to do with it.

All: Aaah!

The resulting concussion was so bad that Bret still gets migraines, nauseating dizziness, and memory loss.

HF: Oops. Didn’t Bret say he didn’t blame Goldberg? Funny, how he’s trying to argue on Bret’s behalf but using arguments Bret doesn’t use.

The man who was famous for taking great care in never harming his opponent may never work again thanks to a selfish monster who the company is resting their entire future on.

HF: Goldberg, selfish? Goldberg’s doing what he’s told. He PRAISED Bret for going out there and doing what he was told earlier, and now Goldberg’s a "monster" just because he’s green? Pft.

SJ: Yeah! How dare the biggest star in the company accidentally KO his opponent?

Kenny: So then, the point is "It's somehow Goldberg's fault?"

Goldberg got a raise, Bret got a cut in salary because he's can't work.

HF: The difference here is, the fans still care aboot Goldberg even through a badly engineered heel turn!!

OV: Look, you are NOT a Canadian, dammit! It’s ‘ABOUT’, not ‘aboot’! ‘Aboot’ is something Memphis firemen collect money in!

Much like the WWF did with Shawn Michaels, WCW used Bret as a way to put over someone else. He has some nerve bitching about it. Some nerve, indeed.

Freezer: Stand back, guys. I'm gonna need some room for this one.

[All move away from Freezer]

SJ: Three...Two...One.

All: PSYCHO RANT MODE: ON!!!

Freezer: Look you Goldberg bashing load, I will personally come and fellate you on national TV if you can give me one instance - just ONE - where Bret Hart's injury and Goldberg came up in the same sentance, and the subject WASN'T Bret himself! THE ONLY FUCKING TIME THEY EVER MENTIONED IT STORYLINE WISE, WHO BROUGHT IT UP?!? BRET FUCKING HART! IF THIS IS SUCH A TRAGEDY AND SUCH A DISSERVICE TO BRET? WHY DOESN'T HE JUST SAY "I DON'T WANT TO?!?" GOD!!! AGGGHHH!!!

[All applaud]

OV: Feel better, partner?

Freezer: Actually, yes I do!

In three years, Bret Hart has had his entire life turned into a punchline.

HF: How do you spell ‘whine’? "B-R-E-T!"

OV: Well, maybe we wouldn't keep bringing this shit up if HE didn't?!?

The man gave everything he had to help build this business, only to have it fall on him like a house of cards.

HF: Or a Blue Blazer.

ALL: OOOOOOHHHHHHHH!

SJ: Well strictly speaking, cards don't make a very good foundation for houses or careers...

Sure, you can argue that he has made it hard to feel sympathetic.

HF: Nope. Too easy!

Freezer: Dammit, he’s stealing ALL my shtick!

He compared his (ex) Brother-in-law, The British Bulldog to a "dog rolling around in his own crap" and threatened to run him down with his car after Davey re-joined the WWF.

HF: Didn’t he threaten to run over Davey’s wife with his car? Yeah, I feel your pain Bret. DBS is the same as Bret, trying to come back from a debilitating injury the best way he knows how, and Bret rags on him for it. And he wonders why we hate him??

Kenny: Because he held down your favorite wrestler- Triple H?

HF: It’s better than being a Kevin Nash fan.

ALL: No, it isn’t!

He routinely criticizes the new direction wrestling has taken in this new Era.

HF: Funny…wrestling is more popular than ever. Without Bret. Amazing.

He even publicly denounced WCW for "making him shoot" on Goldberg on a very recent "Thunder"... embarrassing the company, and himself in the process. Bret didn't care for the way his injury was turned into part of the storyline.

HF: Hey, they’re trying to get some of your heat back, ingrate. See, they can’t do like they did with Goldberg and keep you off camera cause no one would remember you.

Yes, he can get whiny. He calls himself an "advocate", and plans on keeping it up.

SJ: As long as he whines, I shall call him a whiner. Its that simple.

He has every damn right to do so and NOBODY has any damn right to call him on it.

All: Yes we do!

Kenny: First Amendment - heard of it?

HF: Here we go. {deep breath} YOU HAVE NO GODDAMN RIGHT TO TELL ME I CAN’T CALL HIM ON IT, AND AT THE SAME TIME TELL ME HE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO COMPLAIN. The two concepts are NOT mutually exclusive! I never said Bret doesn’t have a RIGHT to complain. I just say he’s a whiny BITCH about it. You have a problem with it, fine. But DON’T go telling me I don’t have a right to do it, you self-righteous, self-promoting whore of a hack!

ALL: [applaud Fred] ???

OV: I feel so dirty now.

He's a human being expressing his hurt and his pain in the best way he knows how.

HF: He should cry to his wife. Oohhh, sorry. Forgot.

SJ: [blows whistle] 2 minutes- roughing!

I know, he should shut up and adjust. He should shut up, keep smiling, and not DARE criticize the sport that's been so good to him.

HF: Damn right. Arn Anderson never was at the top of a major promotion, though he was JUST as deserving as Bret was. You don’t hear HIM bitching like a three-year old.

Kenny: DAMN YOU, VINCE! I’m agreeing with Fred!

Freezer: No no, Kenny. I believe the phrase you’re looking for is… Feh, Bah, and…

ALL: FUCK YOU VINCE McMAHON!!!

Oh, the little, ungrateful, scum. Crucify him for the unforgivable crime of being human. The audacity of it all.

HF: Another good point, I have a very hard time feeling sorry for Bret for living his dream for most of his adult life, while I slave away 50 hours a week at 1%…ONE PERCENT…of his income. That’s his AFTER-INJURY income. Sorry…poor widdle hitman.

SJ: Look, no one has said that Bret hasn't been pissed on in his career...

OV: And no one has said he's got no reason to bitch.

SJ: But he's been bitching FOR THREE YEARS!!! Poland forgave Germany faster than this!

I'd like to say to those Bret bashers, who have the gall to snipe at him for expressing his rage, to shut your ignorant mouths.

Freezer: Yes SIR, Mr. Hyatte, SIR! You sure have put me in my place!

I hope that you guys get humiliated out of a job that you spent your life working at, be forced into a different job that can't seem to use you to the best of your abilities, see your younger sibling die working at the same place that threw you out, then having the death joked about by talentless recappers who go for the cheap joke.

HF: And I hope you are anally raped by a gang of homosexual internet reporters. "Talentless recappers who go for the cheap joke"??? Pot, have you met kettle??????

I hope you can't do your job anymore, much less do much of any physical activity, because of a lazy co-worker who could not care less about anyone but himself..

Kenny: [singsong] It was an ACCIDENT!!!

HF: Hyatte….I hate to break this to you…it’s been done. Not physically…but I’ve had LOTS of lazy co-workers who have forced me out of jobs before. I’ve felt Bret’s pain…maybe not quite so much of it…but I have been screwed over, as has everyone reading this. The difference is HOW YOU DEAL WITH IT.

I'd like to see you go through this hell and not feel bitter. There is not a doubt in my mind that you can't. All you can do is bash Bret Hart for the intolerable sin of becoming disillusioned. Let's lynch him.

OV: Cool! I'll get the rope!

Freezer: I'll go find a tree!

I'm not saying you have to like Bret Hart and what he's become. I'm not even saying you have to respect him.

Kenny: Have I mentioned I couldn’t give two squirts of Mark Madden’s piss about what you say I have to do?

Freezer: Dude! That’s just wrong!

Kenny: Don’t you start- you see Mick over there? I’d hate for you to have to join him…

I'm just saying that he's earned the right to say anything he damn well pleases. He's earned that right.

HF: And I’ve earned the right not to care, and to say so.

Nobody on the Internet has earned the right to complain about it.

Freezer: Fuck you and your opinions, bitch. He has the right to say it, I have the right to criticize.

None of you have any idea what it's like to go through what Hart has gone through.

SJ: So then no one reading this has EVER been dicked by their boss, shafted by a co-worker, publically embarrased, or had a sibling die in an accident?

So until you do, keep your mouths shut.

HF: And he says WE’VE got nerve? HE’S DOING WHAT HE BITCHES AT US FOR DOING!

Wrestling is not the perfect business where everything is good and just and nothing goes bad. There is a dark side to professional wrestling.

OV: Yet again, who said it was?

The "magic" is a little tainted.

HF: Agreed. Which means Bret and his pain is nothing special.

No one knows this better than Bret Hart, and if he wants to spout off about it, he has every right to.

Freezer: Sure ... Two years ago!

He's earned the privilege.

HF: But why should I listen, just because he’s famous and has a newspaper column?

Freezer: Yeah! Rush Limbaugh has a radio show, a newsletter, and had a TV show- I didn’t listen to him talk about the same fucking thing over and over for the last 10 years!

Just keep your fat asses in your cushy chairs and keep your opinions to yourselves on this, or explain why you feel you have the right to criticize him.

SJ: I believe we’ve done so.

Try trading hardships with Bret Hart. I doubt you can even come close.

OV: Oh, I can come close. I’m sure many people can. The difference is, it didn’t happen to me in front of a national audience. And I don’t bitch about it constantly. I go on with life, like everyone else in the world not named Bret.

No, you don't have to respect Bret Hart. Although he's earned it through years of hard work, it's your business whether you want to respect him.

HF: That would be…DON’T!

But, you had damn well better respect his right to be bitter.

SJ: No I don't!

He has earned it.

Kenny: And used every bit he earned ten fold!

Paid for with his very dignity.

HF: The man wears PINK TIGHTS! What dignity?!

Freezer: The man worked for Vince McMahon! What dignity?!

Kenny: The man is related to the British Bullshit! What dignity?!

OV: THE MAN IS CANADIAN! WHAT DIGNITY?!

SJ: You’ve been waiting for that one, haven’t you?

OV: Saving up all day.

And his Brother's blood.

Just remember that next time you feel like bashing the man.

Kenny: I know all that stuff happened to him, AND I STILL WISH THE GUY WOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

HF: OK…{thinks…remembers} Bret’s a whiny bitch. Hm. Still feels the same!

This is Hyatte too.

HF: Sorry to hear it.

Send Feedback To Chris Hyatte

SJ: Nah, I think we’ll just make you come here to see it for yourself.

Kenny: Come on guys, the sooner we get out of here, the sooner we’ll be away from that Holo-Fred.

OV: Yeah, but then we’ll have to see the real one…

Kenny: At least he’ll be way the hell away from us, remember?!

OV: Oh… yeah…

[All leave]

[6]…[5]…[4]…[3]…[2]…[1]…[ * ]

[Satellite]

Freezer: You know, even though I usually like Hyatte’s Mop-up’s, that commentary really blew goats.

SJ: It’s true, but I’m more worried about the fact that you like the Mop-up’s.

Freezer: HEY!

Kenny: You did walk into that one, Freeze. [notices the red light flashing] Ah hell, what now? [pushes button]

[DW]

Vince: You know, Kenny, maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe you do have some potential…

Fred: Uh, boss? I don’t think that’s such a good idea…

Vince: Shut up, lackey! So, Kenny, what do you think? You want to take Fred’s place here on Deep Whatever?

[Satellite]

Kenny: Uhhh… sure! Hell yeah! Bring me on up… down… wherever!

SJ: What the hell are you doing?

OV: You traitor!

Kenny: Look, I get a chance to get off this damn satellite, and away from you people, I’m gonna take it! The Magnet’s got babes to do, and things to see!

[DW]

Vince: Excellent. Get ready to beam up.

Fred: I still don’t…

Vince: Look, I’m not going to tell you again- shut up!

[Satellite]

Kenny: Yeah, Fred- step back before I step off! See you guys! And tell Mick… hey, where is Mick anyway?

Freezer: Still in the broken heap you left him in, I think. [The countdown doors open, as MLM walks out, still clearly depressed as well as severely beaten down.]

MLM: Oh, I see you’re leaving. Cool. Excuse me, guys, I think I’m just gonna go over here and die.

Kenny: Cool! Ready, Vinnie?!

[DW]

Vince: Just a few final modifications, and we’ll be set. Oh, and Fred? Your services will no longer be required.

Fred: What?! But… but… what will I do?

Vince: Well, since you enjoyed yourself so much as a hologram up there, how about if I send you up to the Satellite permanently to take Kenny’s place?

Fred: Uh… that’s not quite what I had in mind…

[Satellite]

Freezer: [grinding his right fist into his left hand] Yeah… send him on up here, Vince. I’ve got something I’d like to give Fred.

OV: Me too, partner.

SJ: Oh, and have him bring some beer with him!

[DW]

Fred: [on the floor, tugging on Vince’s leg and pleading] PLEASE!!! Please don’t send me up there!! They’ll kill me!

Vince: Hrmmm… that’s a point. Hell, if it brings ratings, let’s go for it! Ready?!

[Satellite]

Kenny: Yep! [looks over at MLM… looks back at the view screen… back to MLM… back to screen… it’s like a tennis match has broken out in the Satellite] Well fuck. I can’t do it. Sorry, Vinnie, I just can’t compromise my principles like that. I was lying about the whole thing- you suck ass, and I can’t stand the sight of you. I was only saying it to get out of here and then find a way to free the rest of the guys.

Freezer: You were?! Then WHY AREN’T YOU GOING, DAMMIT?!?!

SJ: You mean, you could have made it possible for me to get beer?! BASTARD!!!

Kenny: Yeah, but look at Mick. We can’t just leave him like that.

Freezer: If it means freedom- YES! WE CAN!

SJ: If it means beer- YES! WE CAN!

OV: If it means… uh… dammit, why do I always have to go last?!

Kenny: Sorry guys. I have my principles. Can’t just leave my fellow TFO partner up here like this.

Freezer: Well, you have to admire that, even if it is completely stupid and asinine.

OV: Yeah, either admire it, or he’ll pound you into lots of tiny pieces.

Kenny: [points to nose]

[DW]

Vince: Well, TV’s Fred, looks like you lucked out. I guess you’ve still got your job. Namely because I hate Madden too.

Fred: Thankyewthankyewthankyew!!! You won’t regret this- I promise!

Vince: Somehow, I already do.

Madden: [from a distance] Snootchie Boochies!

Fred: That does it, I’m gonna fucking kill him!

Vince: But first, don’t you owe somebody something?

Fred: I already apologized to you, unless… dear God! Not that!!!

Vince: NO! I have Hunter for that! I mean them! [points to viewscreen]

Fred: OH! Okay, since you came clean and helped me not lose my job by staying there, Kenny- I kinda owe you. Just name any ONE thing you want, and I’ll get it for you, no strings attached.

[Satellite]

Kenny: Really? You serious?

[DW]

Fred: Yep. Completely serious.

[Satellite]

Kenny: Okay then, let’s see… what one thing do I want?

Freezer: I know! I know! How about some porn?! It’s been so long since I had an unhealthy amount of porn, I hardly remember what porn is!

Kenny: I find that difficult to believe.

SJ: Me too!

Freezer: Shut up!

OV: [raising hand furiously] I got it! How about we ask for somebody to fly Hulk Hogan to Canada, and then bomb them off the planet?

Freezer: DAMN! Genocidal tendencies from OV?! And you question MY idea?

Kenny: Look, can we have one sensible and workable idea, please?

SJ: I just want beer.

Kenny: See, that I can work with. [to MLM] Mick? You have any ideas, or are you still comatose?

MLM: Nah, I don’t want anything. Fuck it all.

Kenny: Well, it’s either up to me to decide, or it’s beer for SJ. Hrmmm… let’s see, what do I want?

[DW]

Fred: Come on, I don’t have all day! I’ve got urgent business!

[Satellite]

Kenny: Like what?!

[DW]

Fred: Well, killing Madden for one.

[Satellite]

Kenny: Hell, why didn’t you say so?! Fine then, I’ve made my decision.

[DW]

Fred: Okay, just type it into the keyboard there under the viewscreen, and… [reading a small monitor] Are you sure?!

[Satellite]

Kenny: Yep. I’m sure.

[DW]

Fred: But you could have anything you want! Why in God’s name do you want that?!

[Satellite]

Kenny: Because I’m feeling generous today. Don’t get used to it, it ain’t happening again.

[DW]

Fred: Okay, whatever you want. [Fred types on his keyboard, throws a couple of switches, and hits a large yellow button.] Okay, done! See you naibelps next time!

[Satellite]

Kenny: Is that a threat?

SJ: Okay, I’ve gotta know- what’d you ask for? Beer?

Kenny: Nope. You’ll see.

Freezer: I knew it! He got me some porn! You da man!

Kenny: Nope, not porn either. And before you ask, OV, NO!

OV: Drat.

[There is a rustling sound in a room at the back of the camera shot. The door cracks open…]

Kenny: Hey Mick! I think there’s something back there you need to take a look at!

MLM: Fine. [MLM slowly walks over to the door, when suddenly, his eyes widen to Roger Rabbit proportions…] What the fuck?! [From inside the room, a female voice speaks…]

Female: Exactly what I had in mind.

MLM: How did you get here? Never mind, I don’t care- talk’s cheap, anyway. [to Kenny] Kenny, remember what I said to you earlier? I take it ALL back. You are a GOD!

Kenny: I know. Have fun, you two!

MLM: If I’m not back in… oh, about 6 hours, just sit there and wait some more! WOO-HOO!!! [MLM quickly enters the room, as the door slams shut.]

SJ: Great. Now what do we do?

OV: Sing ‘Blame Canada’?

Freezer: Play Parcheesi?

Kenny: Nah. I’m just gonna sit here and figure out what I’m gonna ask for as payback.

Freezer: Crap. Mick’s a dead man. Although, I gotta admit, that’s one hell of way to go.

Kenny: [to camera] ‘Night, folks.

[The only noises that can be heard are those of… well, you know… as we fade to black…]

{Writer’s Note: Okay, fine, so I put myself over. Sue me.}
 

>>>FWOOOSH<<<

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