Purple Hades

By DRL

 

 

 

        For the millionth time tonight I wonder what the time might be.  The minutes tick by and still sleep eludes me.  It could be broad daylight outside for all I know.  All I see is darkness.  I wonder how long I have lain here in this alien room, in this comfortless bed.  I regret having sent Treize away.  I regret it more that words could possibly say, nevertheless I would do the same again.  I haul myself to an upright position, settling myself against the headboard.  If Treize were here he would immediately have sprung to my aid, arranging the pillows behind my back until I was comfortable.  I struggle with them for a while, then I give up.  What is one more discomfort on this dreadful night?

 

I say ‘sent him away’, but he is only a matter of yards away from me.  A matter of yards which might as well be a hundred miles for all the good his proximity does me.  One of the facilities of this exclusive private clinic, one that Treize is probably paying an arm and a leg for, is that some of the rooms are equipped with an additional adjoining bedroom suite for the use of family members who might wish to remain with a patient overnight, such as parents with a child, for example.  He is asleep in the small bedchamber which adjoins this one. 

 

Treize has been here with me ever since I was admitted four days ago.  The first night I didn’t sleep much because I was worried and apprehensive about the operation, and he didn’t sleep because I couldn’t.  The second night was the night after the operation and he spent it here on the bed beside me, holding me.  The third night he did the same.  I’m not sure how much sleep he actually managed to get those two nights after the operation and naturally he said nothing, but I noticed how stiff and sore he was the following mornings.  I couldn’t see him of course, but its true what they say about a blind person’s other senses becoming heightened to compensate for their lack of sight.  I could just ‘sense’ it, in the way he spoke, in the way he moved, I could just ‘tell’.  So tonight I insisted that he sleep in the bedroom next door.  He refused at first, and argued with me at length, but I was steadfast.  He had had three nights of discomfort on my account, and that was quite enough for anyone.  I adopted a feigned attitude of bravura, and assured him that I would be alright on my own.  After having elicited a promise from me that I would call out to him if I felt anxious or if I needed him for anything, he finally acquiesced.  After he left I was fine for a few minutes, because he left the communicating door between the rooms open and kept up a light banter.  I am certain he did this because he wanted me to feel his presence for as long as possible.  He could not keep it up indefinitely of course, and he eventually fell asleep.  That was the beginning of the longest night of my life.

 

The moment his voice fell silent the panic gripped me.  I had known that it would because I had experienced it before.  As I mentioned previously, Trieze has been with me since I was admitted, and that was four days ago.  He has had to leave the room for various reasons, albeit only briefly, but whenever he leaves I suddenly become gripped by an irrational but overwhelming sense of anxiety and fear.  I cannot tell you what exactly it is that I am afraid of and the moment he steps back into the room the feeling simply melts away and I am alright again, but for the duration of his absence the feeling is very real and most unpleasant.  I have been in the grip of this panic attack for, oh I don’t know how many hours now,   and as the night wears on my thoughts get darker and darker.  I imagine how it would be to be in constant darkness like this forever.  I imagine how it would be to have this dressing removed, only to discover that Dr Scrivener had been wrong, the operation had been unsuccessful and I had been permanently blinded for evermore.  I imagine life without my sight, without ever seeing Treize again.  This is when the panic overwhelms me, and I open my mouth call out to him, but I stop myself at the last minute.  He always, without exception, puts my needs above his own and would quite happily sleep out here, perched on the edge of my bed, for weeks on end if he felt I needed him to, or even just wanted him to, regardless of need.  I vouchsafed him one decent night’s sleep and I am damned if I am going to interrupt it for the sake of my own ridiculous insecurities.

 

‘Think pleasant thoughts, think pleasant thoughts’ I tell myself, and immediately the smiling, heart-shaped face of Duo Maxwell-Yuy swims into my ken.  Ah yes, that is a very pleasant thought indeed.  Duo and the rest of the guys came to visit me today and the thought of the merry time we had, with Duo making us all laugh so much that I wept, brings an immediate smile to my face.   It was a wonderful day.  The guys came just after lunch and stayed until they were asked politely to leave by the medical staff, a good while after the official end of the visiting period.  Duo regaled us all with humorous tales of various things that had befallen him during his life.  I don’t know where he gets these stories from, because they can’t possibly all have happened to him.    I know the story of his life pretty well, and most of it would definitely not make humorous telling.  I think he probably makes them up, but anyway, they are very funny and kept us all amused for hours.

 

  I suspect that there was something of an east wind blowing between Duo and Heero today, which is hardly a rare occurrence.  Once again, it was something I sensed rather that saw.  Duo was as talkative and garrulous as ever and Heero was his usual taciturn self.  They both contributed to the general hubbub of conversation, but I noticed that they never actually spoke directly to each other.  This did not necessarily mean anything in and of itself and there was nothing tangible that I could put my finger on, but there was something.  I asked Treize about it after they’d left and he confirmed my suspicions.  He said that Quatre had drawn him aside and warned him that Heero and Duo had had something of a contretemps just before he and Trowa had picked them up to drive them to the hospital, hence the coolness between them that I had picked up on.  Treize was quite impressed that I had noticed because they were all trying desperately to keep it from me, not wanting me to be upset.  This is possibly why Heero and Duo did not speak to each other, because I doubt whether they could have kept their animosity in check, if previous experience in this area is anything to go by.  Anyway, they all thought that they had succeeded in being very clever and discreet.  Treize assured me that it was nothing serious however, and added that if he knew the two of them they were probably having wild, passionate make-up sex right at that very moment.  I laughed then and told him that now that he mentioned it, I wouldn’t mind a bit of wild, passionate sex myself.  Treize and I had not had sex for almost a whole week!  For a couple of days prior to my coming here, sex was the last thing on my mind, and I have been in here for the past four days, the problem now being one, not of inclination but of opportunity.  He was seated on the bed beside me at the time, an arm about my shoulders.  With a finger under my chin, he gently lifted my face to his and pressed his lips to mine in a tender kiss.

 

“We’ll be home soon, my Dragon.”  He said simply, and his voice had gone all husky the way it does when… well, I felt for his face, brought it down to mine and kissed him with every ounce of the passion and desire I felt for him.  As pleasant as it was though, this was definitely going to get us nowhere so with reluctance I broke the kiss and settled for snuggling up against his broad chest as he enfolded me within the warm embrace of his strong arms.  I have to say that I felt a certain exhilaration just then, kissing him but not being able to see him.  It was like being blindfolded and handcuffed (but without the handcuffs) and it gave me a sense of absolute and wanton abandon.  I began to think that this situation could have hidden benefits.  I told Treize this and he chuckled in that deep, throaty way of his that I so adore, saying, “At last, the silver lining”.  Shortly after that, he went to bed next door and I would prefer not to dwell upon what happened after that.  I am supposed to be thinking pleasant thoughts, after all.

 

Quatre Barton-Winner, now there’s another pleasant thought.  Thoughts of snuggling with Treize brought Quatre to my mind, since I had spent most of the day snuggling with him.  Quatre is a very tactile person.  If one sits back and observes Trowa and he as they interact with each other, one cannot help but be struck by the fact that they are almost constantly in physical contact with each other.  It is quite amazing, almost as though they draw some sort of life-force from each other.  Now Trowa is only like this with Quatre.  He can by no means be called a touchy-feely person – quite the opposite, in fact.  Quatre, on the other hand, can definitely be so called.  He is a very physically emotional person, and is utterly adorable because of it.  The one problem with this though, is that his delicate feelings are very easily bruised and one needs to handle him with kid gloves somewhat.  Heero, being very blunt and outspoken as he is and not one to spare anybody’s feelings, has sailed fairly close to the wind on several occasions.  I have often wondered how Trowa copes, spending so much time with him as he does, but then again, Trowa would cut off his own right arm before he would even so much as dream of uttering a cross word to his darling Quatre.

 

When the guys arrived at the hospital Treize went down to meet them and convey them to my room (occasioning me several minutes of abject terror, but never mind about that – ‘pleasant thoughts Wufei, pleasant thoughts’).  The first I knew that they had arrived was when Quatre rushed in to the room with a squeal of delight and promptly attempted to smother me.

 

“Oh Wufei, Wufei, we are so pleased to see you.  We’ve all been so worried about you.  Treize said that you were alright but I refused to believe it until I saw you for myself.”  He then loosened his grip, possibly because he had observed the bluish hue that had begun to suffuse my cheeks.  “Let me look at you.”  He said, and at this point I was glad I could not see the look on his face when he saw the bindings which covered my eyes.  “Oh your poor, poor eyes,”  He said with dismay, and proceeded to smother me once more, a little more gingerly this time, obviously fearing that he might exacerbate the damage.  I have to say that this thought had occurred to me also.  At this point Trowa came to my rescue and gently prised Quatre off my rapidly asphyxiating body.  Both Heero and Trowa confined their greeting to a handshake but Duo, only marginally less effusive than Quatre, took up where the blond bombshell had left off.  Duo is also quite a tactile person, but he is a little more emotionally resilient than Quatre (but only a little more, which is something that a lot of people do not realise).

 

They settled themselves in the seating that Treize had arranged to be provided.  Quatre, however, had usurped Treize’s usual seat and had settled himself on the bed beside me, his legs tucked beneath him.  He enfolded me in his arms and I quite happily laid my head upon his chest and placed my arms loosely around his waist.  We sat thus for several hours, talking and laughing together.  Quatre played with my hair, stroking it and combing his fingers through it in a desultory fashion.  He has always liked my hair, why, I could not say.  It’s just plain old hair after all, not like Duo’s glorious mane.  Most of the time I just sat there, listening to their voices and relishing Quatre’s caresses, and I was as contented as a man could ever be.  I couldn’t see Treize, but I was sure he was looking on with an indulgent smile, happy that I was happy, perhaps for the first time in several weeks.  I may even have fallen asleep for a little while, but if I did they were all way too polite to mention it.  At one point Duo came and sat on the other side of the bed.  He took one of my hands and held it comfortingly between his.

 

“Hang in there buddy,” He said gently, “I’ve been praying for you and you are going to be fine.”  He then raised my hand to his lips, pressed a light kiss to my fingers and then held it against his smooth cheek.  It was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears, but as Treize keeps on reminding me, if I did that then my dressing would get all wet and uncomfortable.  I gently extricated myself from Quatre’s embrace and gave Duo a big, big hug (if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em eh?)

 

I miss them all so much when Treize and I are back home in France.  Besides restoring my rapidly failing vision, the one good thing that has come out of my agreeing to the surgery is that I get to spend a good long time here with the guys.  Heero and Duo live a mere 40 or so minutes drive away from Quatre and Trowa and so they see each other fairly regularly.  Treize and I live so far away and what with one thing and another, sometimes we don’t get together for 6 or 7 months at a time.  Sometimes, when the period between our meetings begins to yawn a little, Treize packs me up in our private jet and ships me off to stay with one or other of the couples for a while.  I’m convinced that he does this whenever he gets fed up of seeing my long face moping about the chateau, but he swears not.

 

Treize…, now there’s the most pleasant thought of all.  If I were to try to set down in words exactly what Treize means to me, I simply could not do it.  Now I mean nothing slushy or sentimental by this, it is a simple statement of fact.  He is everything to me, and I mean nothing slushy or sentimental by that either.  Everything I have and everything I am is due to him.  He is my husband, my friend, my confidante, my lover, my mother, my father, my banker, my keeper, my protector, my provider, my… everything.  I am completely dependent on him for everything and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

A lot of people were quite surprised that after being a Gundam pilot and everything that went with that, I ended up being a ‘kept’ man (and kept by that particular man!), not the least of these people being my fellow Gundam pilots.  I must confess to being a little surprised at the way things turned out myself.  When I married Treize I had no real idea what I was doing.  I did not fare all that well after the war and  I went to the Shaolin Temple for a while because I didn’t know what else to do.  I went there to meditate, cogitate and decide what to do with the rest of my life, but all I succeeded in deciding was that the life of a Shaolin monk was not for me.  After about six months, and to my utter astonishment, Treize came and found me.  I had not thought to ever see him again.  I hoped and dreamed of course, but under the circumstances, our lives and backgrounds being so diverse, I never thought I would.  After all, the war, which is what had thrown two such unlikely people as us together in the first place, was over and there was no earthly reason why our paths should ever cross again.  Anyway,  he found me and took me away from the temple.  This was just as well because to be quite honest, by that time I think I was heading for some kind of breakdown.  I had thought to go to the temple to battle my demons, but in the end they got the better of me. 

 

I have only a vague recollection of the period that followed and that’s fine with me.  It represented one of the lowest points of my life, and that was up against some pretty stiff competition, what with the war and everything.  I don’t remember any real details about our marriage and how it came about.  It just kind of ‘happened’.  I distinctly remember Treize saying to me “Marry me and I’ll take care of you”, which I suppose can be taken as a proposal.  I can’t say I remember saying ‘yes’ or anything, but I do remember a clandestine ceremony in a small room somewhere with me, Treize, an official of some kind who performed the ceremony and two total strangers – I can only assume that they were present as witnesses.  I was not thinking quite straight at the time and if he had asked me to jump off a cliff I expect I would have complied.  I suppose that if one was to examine the thing one might argue that he took advantage of my weakened mental state, and I suppose that strictly speaking, this is quite true.  I don’t know what I would have answered had I been in full possession of my faculties, but I have never had one day’s regret, so I don’t suppose it matters overmuch.

 

Treize was as good as his word – he certainly did look after me.  He took me to a doctor, who diagnosed some sort of depression and various other things, then arranged for me to spend some time in what he politely described as a ‘rest home’ but was really a sanatorium.  This is a part of my life that I am not proud of and I have never told the others.  Mental illness is still seen as a stigma by so many people and I would not like the guys to think that I was not right in the head.

 

 After a few month’s ‘rest’ Treize took me home.  ‘Home’ turned out to be a 20 room chateau in the Dordogne region of South West France, set within 400 acres of parkland!   Imagine my further surprise when I discovered that this little ‘pied á terre’ was just one of many properties that Treize owned.  Well I spent the next six or so months discovering just what I had gotten hold of.  I always knew that Treize was from an aristocratic background, but I never really thought much about what that meant.  After all, we spent most of our previous acquaintanceship alternately fighting against each other or having sex with each other.  We never really touched on such matters.  I soon found out what it meant though.  It meant that he was an extremely wealthy man and by association, so was I.  It meant endless rounds of parties, receptions, soirees and dinners, it meant dressing up in fancy, formal outfits an awful lot of the time, it meant my constantly being expected to conduct myself in a manner befitting the consort of His Excellency Treize Kushrenada, it meant being able to have anything I wanted and never having to do anything I didn’t want to, and most importantly for me, it meant comfort and security, things I had had little of for some time.  It took a while for it all to sink in, but when it finally did, I took to my new role like a duck to water and I have never looked back from that day to this.

 

  Treize pampers, spoils and indulges me shamelessly, and I let him.  He needs it, you see.  He needs to have someone to take care of, to love, to cherish and to care for.  His is a very nurturing nature, and I provide an outlet for that.  I think that he would make a very good father, but he has no such aspirations, so that book is firmly closed.  It is not always an easy ride for him since I admit to being a tad volatile at times, but I think he enjoys this aspect of things also.  And I don’t have it all my own way.  He is quite capable of showing the iron hand beneath the velvet glove when he’s good and ready, although this happens extremely infrequently.

 

We kept our marriage a secret while I recovered my wits and my health.  I soon began to feel anxious about the others however.  I felt terrible keeping them in the dark about the strange turn my life had taken.  As far as they knew I was still at the Shaolin Temple.  Treize was understandably reluctant to break the news, because he did not know how he would be received by the other pilots, but he also had certain social obligations, which he had rather neglected since our marriage, but this situation could not endure.  I had to be presented socially as his consort, but this could not be done without the resulting furore tipping off the others.  I did not want them to find out by reading it in the society gossip columns, they deserved much better than that, but I too was a little apprehensive about their reaction to the news.  After agonising over it for weeks, in the end I simply invited them to the chateau and told them straight out.  I needn’t have worried so much about it however; I should have had more faith in them.  After their initial surprise, they welcomed Treize to the bosom of our little family, and that was that.  They simply accepted the situation at face value and never asked any awkward questions, whatever they really thought about the whole thing.  Let’s face it, none of the guys are fools, and I could see by some of their faces that they were not wholly convinced by the expurgated version of events that I had given them, but they allowed me to keep my secrets to  myself, and for this I will be eternally grateful to them all.

 

Treize and I have been married for around 14 years now, although it is generally accepted to be a bit less than that.  By the time the official announcement was made we had been married almost a year, but we kept this to ourselves for obvious reasons.  We never celebrate our wedding anniversary in any way, since the rather dubious circumstances were hardly a cause for celebration.  As I said, I don’t really know any of the details – I couldn’t even tell you our marriage date.  I know that I was just 16 yeas old when we married (goodness, so young!) and I am almost 30 now, so my calculations make it around 14 years.  Treize never mentions it and becomes very non-committal and vague whenever other people do.  I don’t think that he is embarrassed or ashamed of anything – that is not Treize’s style – I think that he is trying to spare my feelings rather than anything else.  I must admit to having been singularly incurious myself hitherto.  But things are different now.  I suddenly feel the need to know.  My recent experiences have made me view life a little differently; one could almost say that I have come down from my ivory tower.

 

Thank-goodness, I can hear him stirring next door.  He is awake, and I can hear the faint ‘twang’ of the bedsprings as he rises (those heightened senses again).  ‘Be calm, don’t give yourself away’ I tell myself, but I realise that it is futile.  The utter relief I feel as I hear his light footsteps approaching my bed immediately overwhelms me and I know that it cannot be suppressed. 

 

“Treize?”  An involuntary cry escapes me, and even to my ears it sounds plaintive and pathetic. 

 

“Fei, what’s the matter, why are you awake?”  He says and never has that voice sounded so sweet.  I feel the mattress sink as he sits beside me and enfolds me in his arms.  I had not meant to tell him about my ordeal this night, but as his strong arms close about me, I cling to him like a drowning man to a piece of driftwood and the whole story comes flooding out.  Amid uncontrollable torrents of weeping that make my words incoherent and unintelligible, I tell him of my irrational panic attacks, I tell him how I have lived in dread of hearing those casually uttered words “Fei, I’m just stepping out for a few minutes”, I tell him how I have lain awake this night, striving to control the anxiety and panic and I finally put into words a thought that I had been thrusting to the back of my tortured mind for some time now, the reason for my growing sense of dread.  I tell him how I fear a recurrence of the malaise that marred the beginning of our marriage so long ago.  I tell him that I am afraid I am losing my mind.