Dialogue Parodies

             Council of the Wand - by Megan

                Dumbledore: Students of Hogwarts, teachers and staff members, you have been summoned here to answer the threat
                of Voldemort. The wizard-world stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall.
                Each wizard is bound to this fate, to this one doom. Bring forth the wand, Harry.

               (Harry sets the wand of Voldemort in the middle of the council on a stool. Everyone looks freakishly at the wand.)

               Filch: It is a gift! A gift to the foes of Voldemort! Why not use his wand? Long has Hogwarts kept the forces of Voldemort
               at vain! By my caretaking is Hogwarts kept safe! Give me the weapon of the enemy! Let us use it against him!

              Oliver Wood: You cannot wield it! None of us can! The one wand answers to Voldemort alone! It has no other master!

              Filch: And what would a student know of this matter?

              George Weasley: This is no mere student! He is Oliver Wood, Keeper for Gryffindor! You owe him your allegiance!

              Filch: Oliver...this is the Keeper for Gryffindor?

              George: That's what I said, isn't it?

              Oliver: (in the Gryffindor Quidditch Team language) Put a sock in it, George.

              Filch: Gryffindor has no Keeper. They have that bloody Seeker!

              McGonagall: Oliver is right! We cannot use it!

              Dumbledore: You have only one choice. The wand must be destroyed.

              Snape: What are we waiting for?

              (Snape takes the wand and tries to snap it in two. Harry flinches.)

              Dumbledore: The wand cannot be destroyed, Snape potions teacher, by any bare hands that we here possess. The
              wand was made by the tail feather of the Phoenix and by that Phoenix it can be unmade. It must be taken back to the
              Phoenix and snapped in two by its very beak. One of you must do this.

              Filch: One does not simply walk up to the Phoenix and say "Hey! Could you snap this stick for me?" Their hearts are
              filled with more than just healing powers. There is evil in them that does not sleep! And their great eyes are ever watchful!
              The Phoenix lives in a barren wasteland riddled with fire, and ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume.
              Not with 10,000 wizards could even do this! It is folly!

              George: Have you heard nothing Professor Dumbledore just said? The wand must be snapped!

              Snape: And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?

              Filch: And if we fail, what next? What if Voldemort takes back what is his?

              Snape: I will be dead before I see the wand in the hands of a Gryffindor!

              (Everyone argues while Harry is hearing something freaky from the wand.)

              Harry: I will take it! I will take the wand to the Phoenix...though...I do not know the way.

              McGonagall: I will help you bear this burden, Harry Potter. As long as it's yours to bear.

              Oliver: If by my life or death, I can protect you...I will. You have my broomstick.

              George: And you have my beater.

              Hagrid: And my dog!

              Filch: You carry the fates of us all, Little One. If this is indeed the will of the Council, then I will see it done...even though
              I’m a Squib.

              Ron: Oi! (runs out of the bushes). Harry's not going anywhere without me!

              Dumbledore: Uh...huh...

              Hermione: Oi! (runs up to them, Neville Longbottom following) We're coming, too! You'd have to send us home tied up in
              a sack to stop us!

              Neville: Anyway, you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission...quest...thing!

              Dumbledore: Nine companions...so be it! You shall be The Fellowship of the Ring...I mean Wand...or...whatever...

              Everyone together: Great! Where are we going?