Christmas was very hard for me.
My due date was Des. 28th 2001.
Christmas eve I was surprised to find myself
enjoying the evening.
Maybe it was because I was starting
to show symptoms that I might be pregnant.
I was hoping and praying that I was right,
but on Des. 27th I started to bleed a little bit
and then I knew right away that it was a false alarm.
I was really disappointed but I tried not to let it affect me.
The next evening I lit a candle for Gabriel
and sang happy birthday, I was trying so hard not to cry,
it was Gabriel's birthday and I didn't want him to see
me cry on a day that should have been the day
that I would hold him for the fist time.
But then my boyfriend said some silly little thing
and it all became to much for me.
All the anger, hurt and disappointment came gushing out.
I was horrible, I yelled at my boyfriend and screamed
that I hated him for not feeling my pain
and for not having to go through
the same heartbreaking pain that I had to go through.
He said he was sorry for my pain and that
he wished that he could take it away.
I felt so guilty. He was so nice and I was so horrible.
I fell to my knees into his lab and cried and
cried like I have never cried before.
I felt like I couldn't breathe.
Like my heart refused to go on beating.
All I wanted to do was to lay down and die.
The pain was to much to bear.
Holidays are often difficult times for people
who have lost a loved one.
The best advice I can give is: be ready!
Know that you probably will get depressed
and think of it as necessary
to allow yourself to be sad.
Don't try to keep it to yourself.
Tell you friends and family how you feel.
If you don't they have no way of knowing
how to help or be supportive.
Know that you are not weak because you are crying.
And you are not going insane!
There are many things you can do
to remember your loved one.
Here are some suggestions:
1. write a poem, story or letter about/to your child.
2. If you have a garden you can plant a tree or a bush.
3. Give money to charity in the name of your child.
4. Give your child a name if it doesn't have one.
5. Buy a special teddy bear that you can hold
when you miss him/her.
6. Release a helium balloon or several on your
child's birthday/due date maybe with a poem,
photo or letter inside to your child.
7. Make a scrapbook with anything
that reminds you of your child.
8. Make a memorial-page on the Internet for him/her.
These are just some ideas maybe some
of them aren't right for you, and maybe you
can think of something that will work for you.
If you want you are welcome to E-mail me
with any suggestions you might have
and I will add them on this page.
I always pick something in symbol of my children!
A color, a flower, a bird, a gemstone and a time of year!
Since I will never get to know them
I try to pick their favorite bird,
color, gemstone and season of the year!
Gabriel's symbols:
Color: Lilac and white
Flower: White clover
Bird: Robin
Gemstone: Opals and pearls
Season: Winter/ Christmas
Angelica's symbols:
Color: Bright yellow
Flower: Daffodil
Bird: Canary bird
Gemstone: Amethyst and emeralds
Season: Spring/ Easter
