struggles

This has not been an easy road for anyone involved. We struggle day to day, trying to make everything work out. Unfortunatly things don't always work.

The most horrible thing i have had to deal with was seeing my poor little girl laying in a hospital crib made of metal, almost dying. It was so scary to see the docotrs try and put IV's in her tiny little veins, when all that would happen is they would pop. She was brused everywhere. Her veins were just too little to have so many IV's in them. They eventually had to put the IV's in her tiny head. She had wires and tubes running everywhere, and she could not move. I sat and watched my little girl have seizures over and over again. And when the doctors told me they did not know if she would ever walk or talk, that we just had to wait and see, I broke down inside.

A few of the struggles were work related. I lost a job I love, because I had to be gone all the time, taking Macie to countless docotor appointments. Also having to go to court for 10 months trying to get this lady behind bars, serverly cut out of my paychecks. Sure this woman got prison time, but 48 months...come on now. She only had to pay $255.00 in restitution, that will never be enough to cover the cost of missed wages,and docotor expenses for Macie and for myself.

About 4 months after this happened, I could not deal with it anymore. I had to go to a psychiatrist. I was awake almost every night with nightmears. I could vividly picture the horrible things this woamn had done to my child, and also I could picture what I would like to do to the daycare lady. This scared me, I am a very nonviolent person, and for me to have deams of hurting someone was unbearable. I finally quit having nightmears about 8 or 9 months after this happened, but a few returned when I had to sit in the court room and hear this woman tell the court in detail, what she had done to my child.

I have had to watch my little girl go through numerous painful surgeries and tests. Thankfully she is a fighter and it seems to hurt me more then it hurts her. Sometimes I wish I could put this woman through as much pain she has put Macie through. My little girl did not deserve any of this, nor does any child.

Our lives will never be the same again. I still cry all the time, thinking about what happened. I will never be able to get the feeling of guilt to go away. I think to myself, why...why did I bring my presious little angel to such a visious person? Sure everyone tells me its not my fault, but I am her mother. Shouldn't I have seen some kind of clue??

Even though Macie is doing very well now, we still do not know what is to come in the future. But, god is with us and he will help us get through this.