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| May 20, 2002 The band, Poi Dog Pondering wrote a song in which they proclaimed that all people should �wear proudly the scars on their face.� I have tried to love myself regardless of society�s ideals. I bite my nails until they bleed, I eat too much, and I even pick at my hair and skin. I am a slightly out of shape thirty year old women scarred by accidents and self-abuse. I�ve been known to have played too hard and to have fallen on my ass, but what story will my body tell when I have no voice, when I am dead and gone? Those people who find and examine me, will they know that the circular scars on my right and left knee came from a poisonous spider bite, that the accent above my nose came from the time I fell down the stairs, gashed my forehead and knocked out my two front teeth, or that the perfectly formed marks on my wrists are from me. They came from a time of emotional turmoil in which I hated everything because I lacked control. Up until now all my physical scars came from my own misadventures and lapses in judgment. They reflect the life I have lived and I wear them proudly. |
| I�ve had time to look over the past few years of my life, and my mother�s death was the cause for my reflective mood. I was there when she died, and she no longer resembled the woman I called mother. Cancer and tumors had destroyed both her body and her mind. She had become a grossly overweight, bed-ridden recluse who hallucinated and could no longer care for herself. Those who knew her during this time only remember her illness and death. They were never privy to the woman I had known. Brenda had once been a vibrant, opinionated, and well-traveled woman. She had always been up for a good adventure, but during her illness everyone forgot who she was. Strangely the pain we, my mother and I, experienced during the last year of her life eclipsed the other twenty-eight I had known her. I only saw her through her disease, and the woman whose body laid before me, at her death me, was not my mother. That woman was bloated and scarred! The medication, surgery, chemo, radiation therapy, and pestilence had taken their toll on her body. The bald headed woman who looked eerily like Rod Steiger was a stranger to me. And those who cared for her in her death most likely also saw her only as a cancer victim but if they looked closely at her right knee they would have seen a scar from a time when she was known only as a girl who had played hard and had occasionally fallen on her ass. |
| Father's Day I am dead and soon I will be reacquainted with the mother earth���.YUCK!!!!! Actually I am very much alive, and I have the stubbed toes, blisters and painful peeling sunburns to prove it. So here I am regardless of all the familial rumors of my untimely death. To wish every one a Happy Father�s Day. Besides TWC still has my cable turned on and I did list TIME WARNER CABLE as my next of kin on my �emergency contact� sheet. They would be the group to know if I ever did meet my END. I just wanted everyone to know that everything is alright. I hope all the men in my family had a pleasant father�s day and I hope that you realize what it means to be a good parent or grandparent and carry that passion in all your relationships at work, school, church, the gambling hall, and any other social events. I want to world to know what I know, that you were a good fathers to all and an even better men. Love to Glenn and Sam |
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| Myseraphina |
| It's been a while has'nt it? Jan. 2003 Well where to begin...my home burnt down so I lost my computer and was unable to keep my online journal. And the day my house crumbled I had just written in my notebook all the things that had been happening...it burnt to a crisp as well. So I simply stopped writing. Apparently it leads to burning damnation. I'll be back soon......................................................................................................... |