Technology is a wonderful thing. It occupies every precious minute of our lives. It helps us with our work and leisure time. It helps keep us safe from the dangers of... OUTSIDE!
Could you imagine a world without let�s say, the Internet. How else could we waste our time during and after work? God forbid we should go... OUTSIDE! and enjoy some of that whatchamacallit... fresh air! Why would you want to take a treacherous trek through a germ and squirrel filled park when you can safely stay indoors and bask in the warm glowing warming glow1 of little gray and black boxes full of love and knowledge. Not only do the wonders of technology help us with the simple everyday things in life, it has helped mankind become one of the most effective and efficient killing machines. How else would the Americans have won World War II without the help of our wonderful friend technology? How else could we clear cut all of those pesky trees? How else would we be able to rid ourselves of all that unwanted fat? Without technology we wouldn�t have nuclear weapons, all that sweet sweet carbon monoxide from all our super fast, super sleek cars.
I shall give you the main reason you should stay indoors with your friend technology instead of facing the dangers of.... OUTSIDE! That reason would be: the squirrels. Squirrels are evil. They will jump from the trees that are... OUTSIDE! and onto your unsuspecting head. Their dirty little claws will grab onto your hair and cling. They lick their sharp yellow buckteeth. Slowly they open their majestic jaws, rolling its head back and suddenly SNAPS! it forward, its teeth piercing your skin and right into your skull. And they gnaw... It all happens so fast you don�t realize that you�ve fallen victim to one of the most common causes of death from being... OUTSIDE! You will thrash around trying to rid yourself of this ungodly creature from nature. Once its had enough, it will loosen its grip and jump off and scurry back into those bushes. Plotting, waiting for its next victim. Don�t let it be you. Stay inside where it is warm and safe. Technology will protect you. Technology is your friend. Technology loves you.
Please let technology into your life. Let it take over every aspect of it, so you will never have to do anything for yourself ever again. Think of it this way. You see a poor, helpless butterfly struggling to get out of its cocoon. You must go and help it. Free it from its struggle. Now the butterfly is free and you can watch it fly away happily.
Despite what some environmental nuts may say, it doesn�t kill the butterfly, it
just makes its life easier and faster. They would say it is the struggle that makes it stronger and blah blah blah. Why struggle when we can make your life easier and faster with our friend technology. With the help of technology, one day no human being will ever have to lift a finger to do anything ever again. Never again will you need to strain yourself opening a door. Never again will you have to rack your brains thinking of the answer for 2 + 2.
1 Source: Homer Simpson; The Simpson's; Episode 66