Thanks to Amy for this great graphic!

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Some of the characters on Roswell have also not been fooled. Here are some of the best anti-Tess quotes:

"Tess? What is that? I hate her already!" - Congresswoman Whitaker, Ask Not

"Hey, is someone talking to you, retard?" - Rath to Tess, Max in the City

You have nothing to do with us!" - Max to Tess, Max to the Max

"Trust me, nobody's after Tess. All that blond hair and eye shadow? She's like Dolly Parton without the jugs. " - Courtney, Surprise

"Ohhhh...now there's something you and Jack have in common. You're both involved with tramps. How is Tess, by the way?" - Maria, Ask Not

LIZ: We've got a problem.
MAX: I know. Tess is missing.
MARIA: Oh, boo-hoo. Sorry. - Surprise

Tess may be a great alien mastermind, but she has a wee bit of trouble with human common sense. Here are some of my favorite Tess lines:

Kyle: "One minute I'm a normal guy, with my whole life ahead of me, and then Max Evans transmogrifies me into something... not of this earth."
Tess: "Wh-wh-wh... Trans what?"
- To Serve and To Protect

Tess (in the granilith chamber): "Do you think it can hear us?" - Summer of '47

Tess (watching Valenti woodworking): "It looks like he's building something."
Valenti: "Give the girl a prize."
- Disturbing Behavior

But of course, who are we to take anything she says or does at face value? She could be trying make us think she's an idiot on purpose. I mean that's the only way to explain some of the crap that comes out of that mouth.

"I made you think something was happening right in front of you, when it really wasn't."
-Tess, Destiny

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Here are Elizabeth's takes on the "best" Tess quotes:

from "Max in the City"
Max: "I trust him as far as I can throw him" ~may be slightly misquoted, you get the idea
Tess: "You can throw him pretty far" ~not misquoted. What the HELL is that supposed to mean? Does the chick not know what an "expression" is? i.e. don't take it literally hon, and furthermore, oh I don't know . . . everytime I watch that scene I have the urge to throw something at the screen.

from "Destiny"
Tess: "What do we do now, Max?" Oh please, someone please take "The Rules" away from that chick.

from "Ask Not"
Tess: "What do we do now, Max?" Are we sensing a theme here?
Tess: That's not true. You lived another life, Max...a life completely different from this one...a life when you loved me."
This chick just doesn't know when to leave well enough alone . . . like three seconds before she stated that she knew how he felt about her, and there she goes trying to molest him. NO means NO!!

Tess, Lies and Videotape
LIZ: About... you know...about Max. Actually, um, have you ever been in love, Tess?
TESS: I've gone out with a lot of guys, but we move around too much for me to get serious with just one.
It's not exactly the words, it's the way she said them, it really made me want to rip out that curly blond hair out of her vacuous head. Sorry if I'm scaring anyone, it's just that everytime she opens her mouth my blood pressure shoots up 100 points.

And here are Kerry's favorite Tess quotes... or at least the ones we wish had happened!

From "Crazy
Tess: "Hi! I'm Tess."
Alex: "Hold on...(takes out semi-automatic and, placing it against her head, fires)...much better. (turns to Isabel) Now, where were we?"

From "Skin and Bones"
(Tess helping Michael control his powers)
Tess: "Next one. Keep your focus."
(Michael screws up his face, and swings his arm around)
Tess: No, NO, not me! The other direction, Michael, Michael!!"
(Tess is destroyed)
Michael: "Oops"

From "A Roswell Christmas Carol"
Tess: "I have been cooking for 20 hours, while you two have been sitting back on the couch like 2 beached whales, not even noticing or caring that I am living here. Ok. I am here. Hello. Hello? So, since I'm living here, I should have a damn chair to sit in!"
Kyle: "We just didn't want you getting too comfortable here"
Tess: "Why?
Jim (gleefully): "Because as soon as Christmas is over, we are booting your ass to the gutter."

From "Destiny"
Tess: "What do we do now, Max?"
Max: "Is that before, or after, I kick your ass?"

Oh well, thats all I have time for, for now!

Kerry

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