DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO KILL TESS IN NEW ORLEANS?

By Andrea (AD)

Disclaimer: DOT Title inspired by Louis Armstrong song "Do You Know
What It Means to Miss New Orleans?"


Liz wiped down the counter at the Crashdown, in time to the tapping sound of Maria's fingers on the keyboard of her laptop
computer. Liz tried not to look in the direction of the booth in the corner of the diner because Tess was sitting there, shooting her dirty looks.

Liz let out a huge sigh. "I'm so bored. I really need a change of scenery, Maria. Where can we go?" Maria looked up from the
Yahoogroup she was posting a message to. "Well, I heard JetBlue has really cheap flights. Let me check out their rates."

Maria clicked around at the JetBlue website. "Hey, it's really cheap to go to New Orleans! Wanna go?" Maria asked, a
mischievous tone in her voice. Liz looked up and smiled. "Are you serious?" Maria stopped to think for about three seconds. Then a highbeam smile lit up her face and she said, "YES! Let's just go! We need to get out of Roswell for a while!" Liz started to giggle. "Ok! Let's go next week!" Maria started typing furiously on her laptop. In about ten minutes, their whole trip was planned and they both started giggling like drunken maniacs. Then they started to plan what they would wear in New Orleans and which tours they should go on.

* * * *
A week later, Liz and Maria were chattering excitedly on the plane to New Orleans, Louisiana. Little did they know or realize that Tess had overheard their entire conversation in which they planned their trip. Little did they also know that Tess wanted some sun and fun also, and decided to follow them on their vacation. She did a pretty good job of hiding herself on the flight in (because Tess was afraid Liz and Maria would have her kicked off the plane for being a terrorist), but as Liz and Maria checked into their hotel, they caught a glimpse of her springy bleached blonde hair turning a corner in the lobby.

"Oh shit, what the fuck is SHE doing here?" Maria sputtered
furiously. Liz looked as if she was about to cry. "This is what we
were trying to get away from!" Liz tried to get a hold of
herself. "Well, don't worry. It shouldn't be too hard to lose Tess
while we're here." Maria said to comfort Liz. "She's so stupid she's
bound to get lost and be confused for a prostitute. Then she'll have
her hands full and will be too busy to follow us around." Liz tried
to smile. "I hope you're right. But if she doesn't stop stalking us,
I'm going to fucking KILL HER!!!" They both started laughing.
Liz and Maria ran around New Orleans, touring like maniacs.
Along the way, they kept seeing Tess behind them in the distance, so
they would turn onto a different narrow little street as quickly as
they could. Tess did in fact, get confused by all the colorful old
buildings and didn't pay much attention to where she was going, as
long as she could see Maria and Liz ahead of her. As the result, she
would constantly walk into the shutters that covered doors and
windows as people opened and closed them.
"Oooohhhhh, these beignets taste sooooooo gooood!!!" Maria
sighed contentedly and Liz sipped her café au lait, as they relaxed
in the open-air café, Café du Monde. All of sudden, they heard a
sickeningly familiar voice behind them. "Hi guys!!!" Tess
squealed. "Wow, what are you guys doing here in New Orleans? This is
such a coinkidink!!!! Hey, where's Maxie?!" Maria and Liz groaned, as
they felt the indigestion begin. Maria inhaled the rest of her
doughnuts covered in powdered sugar. It got all over her black
shorts, but she didn't care. Liz sucked down the rest of her café au
lait and started to cough. "Yeah, nice to see you too, Trash, I mean
Tess." Maria said rapidly. "But we've really gotta get going." Liz
finished, just as quickly. Maria and Liz then sped down the street as
fast as they could to get away from Tess.
Tess scratched her head in a confused manner, then shrugged
and went over to hit on the underage waiter, who then, in his
distraction, dropped his entire tray of beignets and café au lait.
The waiter's manager came over to yell at the boy for breaking all
those plates and cups, while Tess continued to bop and bounce and coo
and squeal, and hit on the manager also, who happened to be a middle-
aged Asian woman.
Maria and Liz took refuge in the nearest mask shop. They
were incensed that their pleasure trip was being ruined by Tess. They
decided to buy some elaborate Mardi Gras masks, covered in sequins
and feathers, in case they saw Tess again. They would wear their
masks, and while everyone else on the street would think they were
slightly nutty, Tess, the moron, probably wouldn't recognize them and
might actually leave them alone. Then, Liz and Maria went to a voodoo
spiritual temple and asked the voodoo priestess to help them put a
hex on Tess. The priestess did her best to come up with a powerful
hex to keep Tess away, but she said it might not work, because Tess's
force of annoyingness was very strong. Liz and Maria thanked the
priestess for her help and left the temple to head for Jackson Square.
Liz and Maria looked at their watches. It was time to go on a
steamboat cruise on the Mississippi River. They boarded the Steamboat
Natchez, and prayed on their plastic Mardi Gras beads that Tess
wouldn't somehow wind up on the ship. They found seats on the deck,
and settled down for the cruise. All was calm as they listened to
jazz music and took pictures of ships sailing down the Mississippi,
when they heard an obnoxious squeal filter through the sounds of
Louis Armstrong from the lower deck. "Yoo hoo!!! Lizzie!!! Maria!!!!
Where are you?" Maria and Liz looked at each other. The looks on
their faces said "We should just jump in the river right now."
Tess flounced her way down the deck to where they were
sitting. "HI GUYS!!!!!!" The other passengers on the boat looked up
at Tess in extreme annoyance. Maria and Liz whispered to each other a
plan to keep the passengers from lynching all three of them. "Hey
Tess, why don't we go take pictures of ourselves near the steam
paddle!" Tess happily followed them, making sure to shake her ass
near every elderly man and his wife that they passed.
They reached the secluded part of the lower deck where the big
red, steam-powered paddle could be seen at the closest
distance. "Tess, why don't you climb over the rail and go stand on
the top of the moving paddle." Liz instructed. Tess giggled. "Ok!"
Tess started to climb over the rail. Maria and Liz looked at each
other for a second, and then shoved Tess as hard as they could over
the rail and into the water. They watched as Tess floated under and
got wacked by each part of the red paddle, as it turned over and over
industriously through the water. They could no longer see Tess's body
as the boat moved down the river in the direction of the bridge.
Maria and Liz both heaved big sighs of relief. Then they went to the
bar on the upper deck and ordered celebratory Mint Juleps.
Maria and Liz were practically giddy with excitement at having
gotten rid of Tess in time to go out to dinner at the swanky Palace
Café on Canal Street, where they had bread pudding and Bananas Foster
for desert. As the Bananas Foster was flambéd in front of them, Maria
and Liz giggled that it would be great fun to flambé Tess if she was
still alive. But thank goodness she wasn't. They paid a lot for their
dinner and didn't want to lose it.
After dinner, Liz and Maria went to meet their tour group.
They were going on a ghost story tour of the French Quarter, because
New Orleans is supposedly the most haunted city in America. They were
looking forward to hearing about ghosts and phantoms instead of
aliens, for once. They met the tour group outside of Reverend
Zombie's Voodoo Shop. As they waited for the tour to begin, they
struck up a conversation with two really cool girls from New York
City, named MD and AD. MD was wearing a shirt that said ATL "We're
Just Right" on it. Maria thought it was really interesting and asked
her lots of questions about the ATL. It turns out, MD and AD were
having some terrible problems with a skanky blonde bitch named Tess,
also, so they had a lot to talk about.
The tour guide was a really cute and funky looking guy named,
Matt. He had bright red hair that could only have been from a jar of
Manic Panic and wore big red and black goggles around his head like a
headband. His eyes glowed a creepy shade of yellow from his contact
lenses, and he was dressed all in black and carried a walking stick
with a skull on the handle. He was about to start the tour when the
entire tour group heard "YOO HOO!! DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT ME HOTTIE TOUR
GUIDE!!!" The entire tour group turned to see a disheveled skank come
running down the street towards them, waving her arms and flapping
her boobs out of her tube top. Matt's yellow eyes widened in
terror. "I've seen ghosts, but that's the scariest thing I've ever
seen!" He looked back at the director of the tour company, and
pleaded with him to tell the Skank that the tour was full and she
would have to come back some other time. Unfortunately, Tess paid the
tour director more than the price of the tour, and offered him a
blowjob, so Matt had no choice but to let Tess come along on the tour.
Matt did a valiant job of telling creepy ghost stories at each
tour stop, despite the fact that Tess kept asking ridiculous and
disgusting questions like "Mattie, have you ever seen a ghost while
getting a blowjob?" Maria, Liz, MD and AD stayed close together and
cursed Tess at every opportunity. The tour took a break at a
supposedly haunted tavern. Maria, Liz, MD and AD took this
opportunity, while Trash was getting trashed at the bar and flirting
with the owner of the bar (who also happened to be a sheriff), to
pull Matt aside and ask him what they could do to get rid of Tess
before the tour was over. He said he would make sure the group left
the bar without telling Tess about it and get the sheriff to arrest
her for underage drinking. Matt really wanted to beat Tess senseless
with his skull walking stick, but he knew if he killed someone in his
tour group, he probably wouldn't get paid.
The tour group left the bar and in the distance heard the sounds
of Tess squealing to the sheriff: "But what if I give you a blowjob?!
Then can I finish the ghosty tour?"
The tour ended and Maria and Liz went bar hopping on Bourbon
Street with MD and AD. They all hoped Tess wouldn't be able to escape
the New Orleans jail in time to ruin the rest of their time in New
Orleans.
Early the next morning, Liz and Maria departed for a tour of a
Louisiana swamp. They were just finding their seats on the boat when
Tess appeared from out of the trees and hopped onto the boat. Maria
and Liz took one look at Tess and
screamed "AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!!!" But it was too late to
throw her off the boat. It had already left the dock and was making
its way down the bayou. Liz started to cry bitter tears of
frustration, as Maria tried to control her emotions and calm Liz
down. Tess, as usual, was all over the tour guide, who was a middle-
aged balding man. He started making some misogynistic comments,
directed at Tess, in the hopes she would slither away from him, but
it didn't work. Tess thought he was complimenting her so she
slobbered on him even more.
The boat reached a wing of the swamp that was surrounded by
ancient trees and Spanish moss. A large alligator peeked up above the
water. "That's El Diablo." The tour guide drawled. "He usually likes
eating the marshmallows I throw at him, or Yankee girls." The group
giggled. "But let's see if he'll go for slutty girls also!" The tour
guide picked up Tess, as she squealed excitedly. She thought she was
about to get laid. The tour guide threw Tess in the water, in the
direction of the alligator. The alligator emerged from the water,
opened its dangerous jaws and took a very large bite out of Tess.
Then, with his teeth clamped down on her midriff, he shook her back
and forth violently as he continued to devour Tess. Everyone on the
boat stood up and cheered. El Diablo then returned underwater, to the
depths of the swamp to finish his meal. The murky green swamp water
turned burgundy with the blood of the ho.
Everyone took pictures and applauded. Then the tour of the swamp
continued.
On the plane ride home, Liz and Maria congratulated
themselves on a great trip and on finally doing away with Tess. "That
was just what we needed!" Liz sighed happily as the plane took off
and headed for New Mexico.

THE END

DOT main page