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This week I'm posting ATL member Rick's take on "Busted," cause I just didn't have the heart to write a whole review of this awful ep! - MD (By the way, Rick's orginal essay has been edited here to remove future episode spoiler content)

WARNING! Do NOT read this if you like the direction of the show. Just hit "DELETE". If I get one more "how can you call yourself a fan" from someone who ignores the warning and reads on anyway and does not like it I will add you to the "enemies list" along with Jason Katims(Anti-Christ), Ron Moore(Anti-Christ Jr,), Kevin Kelly Brown(He's so full of B.S. he ought to start his own fertilizer company), and the newest additions: Melinda Metz and Laura Burns(Whom I was so glad to hear were joining the "writing" team until Laura was quoted as saying she wanted a cross between "Party of Five and Star Trek." EGAD! More "would you like fries with that?" "talent". SIGH). I AM a fan. I am a devoted fan to the incredibly awesome season wonderful, And a D***site better one than all of those out there who like what the show has morphed/degenerated into.

Dear True Roswell Fans,

When UPN rescued Roswell from the evil clutches of the dreaded TheWB I had hoped that all of the heinous damage to the characters, the plots, the dialogue, the quality, and the HEART would be repaired. Sadly, it was misplaced hope. The season "flee" premiere episode spoiler script came out shortly after "Departure of My Sanity" aired and it was even worse than season "spew." Some have said to suspend judgement until the airing of the show so I have not written a review of the episode based upon the spoiler script although that was my original plan. I had wanted to go LINE by LINE from the S3 premiere and contradict each bit of dialogue with a quote from a previous episode. "Too hard to dig up the quotes" you might think. On the contrary. It quickly became apparant that my 30 Gigabyte hard drive was insufficient to the task at hand. What was in the making was a tome so gargantuan in scale that it would make Tolstoy's "War and Peace" look like a coffee table "easy read" pamplet. I will give you an example:

S3 "Busted" Meeting someone like me, it attracted me. I'll admit that. It was something I had to find out about and now I'm over it.
S1 "Pilot" "It was You" S1 "Blind Date" "You are my dreamgirl, Liz."
S1 "Heatwave" "I'm gonna have to touch your hair...cuz it's so soft...and I'd have to tell you that...no matter what we go through, it's all worthwhile for me because we're together.
S1 "Sexual Healing" "I'm glowing everywhere...my toes, my heart. You can't see it. It's on the inside."
S1 "Tess, Lies, and Videotape" "I look at you, and I know you're the person I'm supposed to be with. I've always known it. What happened here that day, when you got shot, and how that brought us together . . . it's fate. You're the one, Liz . . . the only one. I could never be with anyone else.
S1 "Destiny" "Whether I die tomorrow or fifty years from now, my destiny is the same. It's you. I want to be with you, Liz. I love you.
Just excerpts from a few episodes, not even all the episodes or all the possible quotes from within the episodes listed.

So now all of you can begin to see the quandry I was in. So therefore, I have decided, with the help of The Academy of Television Arts and Sciences, The Guiness Book of World Records, and The Official United States Atomic Clock in Ft. Collins, Colorado, to give Jason Katims the award he so justly deserves: The Quickest Plot Hole On Record Award goes to............."Busted"! Season three episode one of RosHell fades in and...............in the amount of time it takes for one Cesium atom to oscillate in the Atomic Clock we are at are first Plot Hole! Ta DA! A record from hence forth to be enshrined in the Guiness Book of World Records that may in the future be equaled (If God forbid JK gets another season or a new show) but never surpassed. Kivar has:
1. Max's throne
2. Max's Queen
3. Max's heir
4. Max's Granilith
Therefore, S3 opening shot should have been just that-Nicholas with a sniper rifle putting one right between His Majesty's eyebrows. But why waste a perfectly good bullet on Max. He is no longer worth it.

By the way, Max, most people do not wear their black dress socks when they go skinny dipping. And besides, it was after Easter and before Labor Day so white was acceptable.

When the spoiler script for the season opener became available I quickly realized that I couldn't possibly store enough Maker's Mark in my liquor cabinet to get me through that episode, let alone several (until RosHell is mercifully cancelled or the B-2 Stealth Bomber drops GPS bombs on the RosHell production offices on it's way back from Afghanistan. I can assure you, nothing of value will be lost, especially come Emmy time.) I happen to live a stone's throw away from FermiLab National Accelerator Laboratory in Batavia, Illinois. It is an underground tunnel over one mile in diameter. I went to the head of the facility, showed him "The Pilot" and then the spoiler script for "Busted". He immediately understood the gravity of the situation, I mean Western Civilization is at stake, and placed an emergency phone call to the Secretary of Energy (FermiLab belongs to the Dept. of Energy) and The Secretary of Health and Human Services. Convoys of tanker trucks have been rolling 24/7 from Maker's Mark Distillery at Star Hill Farm, Loretto, Kentucky, and emptying their contents into the FermiLab Accelerator Tunnel to ensure a plentiful supply of Mother's Milk no matter how HEINOUS season "flee" becomes. The HHS Secretary is sending the bill to FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management Agency under "National Emegency/Health Benefits/Mental Health/Insanity Prevention/S3-RosHell." Bottoms Up!

While I had the HHS Secretary on the phone, he agreed to an immediate, emergency, backbone replacement for Liz Doormat, I mean Liz Parker. Maybe her character can be saved although her prognosis does not look promising. Both Max and Kyle are being rushed by Medivac to the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia for isolation, observation, and hopefully a cure for the Andromeda Strain they caught from Trash.

Now to specifics in that abomination of an episode. The ONLY lines spoken by Liz that even remotely should have been in that episode:
Max: "Liz, I just want put everything that happened behind us"
Liz: "Yeah, you know, I would too if I impregnated an alien killer who has murdered one of our best friends and left the planet with my unborn child."
Then it gets WORSE!
Max: "So you're still holding onto that?"
Liz: "It's hard not to Max, see you slept with Tess and then you got her pregnant. I don't know how you just went past that."
After that, Max goes up to her, puts his hand on her back, and dissolves her spine.

Then we get to the convenience store. Second thought into my head was: "why doesn't Max just use his powers to make an entrance from the outside of the store." The first thought was of course "better make it a triple!" Third thought: "Something strange is afoot at the CircleK"(Keanu Reeves-Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure). Fourth thought: "I found my self driving by convenience stores-even ones that weren't on the way home."(Nicholas Cage-Raising Arizona). And since the government KNOWS that the aliens CANNOT manipulate heavy atoms due to their tests on Necedo in the White Room(Destiny) why not enclose (probably) the ONLY extra-terrestrial spaceship being held by the United States government in bars made of depleted uranium? HMMMMM? And of course, why hide a UFO under a "Kwiki-Mart" instead of AREA 51 perhaps? HMMMMMM? And there is the FACT that Liz got shot by a gun in the Crashdown and now she is pointing one at a store clerk? You've come a long way, baby! Why steal the bag of chips Max? Why not just go up to the clerk and say: "I would like a medium Cherry Slurpee, five Quik-Picks, a Beef Jerky, a pack of Lucky Strikes, and a round trip ticket to Antar please?" And what is with the "Heroine Chic" look anyway, Max? Is that the real reason you were knocking over a convenience store? To pay for your "habit"? Did you have the "munchies"? Is that why you stole the chips? And what is with the red highlights in your hair? Spill Tobasco on it?

Leave it to "poor, clueless, human parent" Diane Evans to sum everything up in three little words to Max: "Who are you?" That is a good question. Because "Max Evans" he ain't. Then we have Isabel, aka Isaboob, who will hence forth be known as "Madge" by me because of her striking resemblence to the "is that dishwashing liquid? No, it's Palmolive." ..."lady". I mean what is with that hair color? That kind of coloring does NOT exist in nature. It looks like she is wearing a dead rat on her head. "Elle MacPherson of the Sophomore class" R.I.P. Maybe it's because she is mourning over that character who shall remain NAMELESS in that episode? You know, the "LOVE OF HER LIFE"! I think his name was, Alex? Yeah, that's it! Alex. Thank goodness "Madge" had Jesse to take her mind off of Alex over the summer. Alex might have even reached room temperature before she started fooling around with someone else. Alex, you were SO lucky to get out-even if it was feet first. Oh how I miss you and Bob. Rabbit, your Christening of the "lead sled" SAM (S****y Alien Mobile) is PERFECT! Because there is certainly a s****y alien driving it. SIGH

Then we have the ONLY line spoken by Max to Liz that made any sense at all: "Who are you?" Another good question. Because Liz Parker she ain't. I guess the old adage is true and can be accorded to Max for that one line: "Even a blind squirrel sometimes finds an acorn."

Let us not forget the "diamond scene". This shall go down in history as so ridiculous that it wouldn't even rate a "Love Boat" plot. Number one, a diamond THAT large? Not bloody likely! Number two: I am glad I do not own stock in the insurance company for THAT particular policy. "Open air" case? Not roped off? Diamond goes a tumblin', is touched by a "waiter" and he is NOT searched automatically? Number three: Liz dumped Champagne on the host of the party surrounded by security-they would have grabbed "the help" and hauled her off to the police station for assault charges. 'Nuff said about that CRAPTACULAR fiasco.

Max and Liz in "Juvenile Court." Max is 18! Automatically tried as an adult. Point two: gun was NOT loaded. Not "assault with a deadly weapon." Not a felony the last time I checked. As a matter of fact, it could have been a squirt gun that was used because NO GUN WAS FOUND. "Twenty years"? Not bloody likely. Murderers get sprung in twenty years with our lovely revolving door prison system.

Spaceship going, going, gone! And just HOW did they get it out of there? Anyone notice a back door? Or perhaps a 50 ton crane lifting it out? They sure as Hell didn't fly it out-Senor Presidente has the "key". Maybe the FBI "hotwired" it and went for a joyride to see the Mormon Tabernacle Choir? Or perhaps they just took it out to "fill it up" and get it washed? Maybe a good flick was playing at the local Drive-in?

What can I say? Jason Katims continues to redefine "quality television".......as something on whatever network he doesn't work for. Roswell, R.I.P. SIGH

All my love,

Rick