outline

To live is to suffer. But to survive, well, that's to find the meaning in the suffering.

DMX Convo...

Sunday - February 16, 2003

You are the strength I never knew I had
Kept my heart true when they told me you was bad
All praises due to you that's why I had to dedicate somethin new to you
Thank you Lord

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The Sacred Romance, Curtis & Eldredge wrote:

It is in our heart that we hear the voice of God and it is in the heart that we have come to know him and learn to live in his love.

Starting very early, life has taught all of us to ignore and distrust the deepest yearnings of our heart. Life, for the most part, teaches us to suppress our longing and live only in the external world where efficiency and performance are everything. We have learned from parents and peers, at school, at work, and even from our spiritual mentors that something else is wanted from us other than our heart, which is to say, that which is most deeply us. Very seldom are we ever invited to live out of our heart. If we are wanted, we are often wanted for what we can offer functionally. If rich, we are honored for our wealth; if beautiful, for our looks, if intelligent, for our brains. So we learn to offer only those parts of us that are approved, living out a carefully crafted performance to gain acceptance from those who represent life to us. We divorce ourselves from our heart and begin to live a double life.

In the end, it doesn't matter how well we have performed or what we have accomplished - a life without heart is not worth living.

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Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
- Proverbs 4:23

DMX Convo...

Sunday - February 16, 2003

You tell me that there's love here, but to me it's blatant
Nothin but all the blood here, I'm dealin with Satan
Plus with all the hatin it's hard to keep peace
Thou shall not steal, but I will to eat
I tried doin good, but good's not too good for me
Misunderstood, why you choose the hood for me
Mean I'm aight, I just had to work hard at it
Went to gran'ma for answers, she told me that God had it
So now here I am, confused and full of questions
Am I born to lose or is this just a lesson
And who it's goin choose when it gets turned around
And will it be layin in my own blood and on the ground

My child, I've watched you grow up and I've been there
Even at those times you least suspected it, I was there
And look at what I've given you, a talent to rhyme
I may not come when you call, but I'm always on time

And if you showed me anything at all then I missed it
Looked the wrong way, I've done some wrong things
Kept a bad attitude, but that's what wrong brings
And now you mean to tell me that after all this time,
It was you that kept the dog from goin out of his mind
It was you that breathed life into my lungs when I was born
And it was you that let me know what was right, from what was wrong
And it was you that let me do what I knew what could be done
And it was you that gave me a good wife and a beautiful son
And it's been you speakin to me inside my mind
And it's been you who has forgiven time after time
It was you who opened my eyes so I could see
And it was you who shined your light on me

	Thursday - February 13, 2003
He (God) was the only one I knew that I respected. WHY? Didn't know why, didn't know what I was livin was a lie If I ain't shit then, why should I try? ---------- There's a difference between doing wrong and being wrong and if your heart is good, it will steer your bad in a certain way.

Sunday - February 9, 2003

An entry from E.A.R.L. - The Autobiography of DMX :

Fontaine said to DMX, "You've been very lucky", responding to how he survived through the thug life.

DMX responded, "Nah, it ain't luck. Luck lasts for a few hours, sometimes a day or two, but not a lifetime. I'm not alive because I'm lucky - with as much dirt as I've done and pain that I've caused - I'm alive because I'm blessed."

Fontaine - "What about all the pain?"

DMX - "To live is to suffer...I think the chosen ones are the ones that struggle more. The Lord's children always start from the dirt up. If you only start from halfway up, then you're going to know less and you're going to be worth less to Him, but there was something that I had to see, that He wanted me to see, so I could be what He wanted me to be."

Fontaine - "And what does He want you to be?"

DMX - "The greatest gift the Lord has given me is the gift of the word, the ability to communicate with, and I know now that I'm here to share everything that I have learned. That's why I've always said I don't want sales, I want souls. Fuck a sale, a sale is eleven dollars, thirteen dollars. But if you give me a soul, I've got that for life and I'm going to try my best to bring it to the right place."

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I never knew a love like this before
Messin with the thug life, I missed it all
You opened the doors and let me in
I'm down for the cause, so let's begin
Prayers that you give to me, I give to them
Same way you live in me, I live in them
Life is a blessing now
You got me smiling from inside of my heart, when inside it was dark
And it doesn't rain anymore, only sunshine
No pain anymore, I really love my
You washed away the tears with the fears
I'm happier than I've ever been in my life, the whole thirty years

DMX Convo...

Thursday - February 6, 2003

You call me a sheep and lead me to green pastures
Only asking that I keep the focus in between the chapters
You give me the word and only ask that I interpret
And give me the eyes that I may recognize the serpent
You know I ain't perfect, but you'd like me to try
Unlike the devil who just wants me to lie, until I die
Lord, why is it that I go through so much pain?
All I saw was black, all I felt was rain
I come to you because it's you who knows
You showed me that everything was black
Because my eyes were closed

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The Problem of Pain , C.S. Lewis wrote:

You would like to know how I behave when I am experiencing pain, not writing books about it. You need not guess, for I will tell you; I am a great coward. But what is that to the purpose?

When I think of pain - of anxiety that gnaws like fire and loneliness that spreads out like a desert, and the heartbreaking routine of monotonous misery, or again of dull aches that blacken our whole landscape or sudden nauseating pains that knock a man's heart out at one blow, of pains that seem already intolerable and then are suddenly increased, of infuriating scorpion-stinging pains that startle into maniacal movement a man who seemed half dead with his previous tortures - it 'quite o'ercrows my spirit'.

If I knew any way of escape I would crawl through sewers to find it. But what is the good of telling you about my feelings? You know them already; they are the same as yours. I am not arguing that pain is not painful. Pain hurts. That is what the word means. I am only trying to show that the old Christian doctrine of being made perfect through suffering is not incredible. To prove it palatable is beyond my design.

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In bringing many sons to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the author of their salvation perfect through suffering.
- Hebrews 2:10

Monday - February 3, 2003

An entry from E.A.R.L. - The Autobiography of DMX :

"I love the shit out of my family, dog, I really do. My kids are the best things that could have ever happened to me and I love my wife to death. She knows that I can't see life without her...but sometimes I wish that it was just me and I had no one to love because then I would have no one to be concerned about. It's like on one level, I love people, because I see their hurt and feel their pain. For that, I'm here to be taken advantage of."

Don't let me go to waste; let not my life be in vain.

"But on another level I don't even like people collectively because people don't show, because they don't know, unconditional love. It's always I love you...unless you fuck my girlfriend. Or, I love you...unless you steal something from me. I don't want that."

"I've been a loner my whole life and alone is still where I feel most comfortable. Now that I don't feel confined by anything anymore but the will of my spirit; I wish I could be a person and just...fly...fly with the sun in my face and not worry about crashing."

The thought closes his eyes.

"Fault me for wanting that, but that's what I want," he says, opening them again after a pause, "and if I have to pay with my life to get it, I will...but my life will be poetic."

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Either let me fly, or give me death
Let my soul rest, take my breath
If I don't fly I'ma die anyway, I'ma live on
but I'll be gone any day

DMX Convo...

Tuesday - January 28, 2003

Bleeding the blood of Christ over our life
Wrong or right just help us make it through the night
And we'll shout your name in times of need
And times of joy and when we bleed
And when we are overcome with grief
You don't have to tell me twice; i'ma take heed
And because of what you've given me, i know you'll deliver me
And i won't drown no matter how deep the river be
You are the strength i never knew i had
Kept my heart true when they told me you was bad
All praises due to you that's why i had to dedicate somethin new to you
Thank you Lord

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The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren wrote:

Remember what God has already done for you. If God never did anything else for you, he would still deserve your continual praise for the rest of your life because of what Jesus did for you on the cross. God's Son died for you! This is the greatest reason for worship.

Unfortunately, we forget the cruel details of the agonizing sacrifice God made on our behalf. Familiarity breeds complacency. Even before his crucifixion, the Son of God was stripped naked, beaten until almost unrecognizable, whipped, scorned and mocked, crowned with thorns, and spit on contemptuously.

Abused and ridiculed by heartless men, he was treated worse than an animal. Then, nearly unconscious from blood loss, he was forced to drag cumbersome cross up a hill, was nailed to it, and was left to die the slow, excruciating torture of death by crucifixion. While his lifeblood drained out, hecklers stood by and shouted insults, making fun of his pain and challenging his claim to be God.

Next, as Jesus took all of mankind's sin and guilt on himself, God looked away from that ugly sight, and Jesus cried out in total desperation, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Jesus could have saved himself - but then he could not have saved you.

Sunday - January 26, 2003

It's more to a song than jewelry and clothes
More to a life than money and hoes
The game is a lot bigger than you think you know
And if you think you know, then I don't think you know

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"Folks miss so much because they've been blinded by the diamonds and the fat asses and the fucking cars. That's all they've been trained to focus on, so that's all they see. But this music is not just a bunch of fucking words, it means something, it stands for something."

"I'm a man with a strong foundation; I've got a wife, two beautiful kids. That's my foundation. That's what's important to me, not the 2000 Bentley, or that they got 23-inch rims now, or 'My chain is bigger than yours.' All that is superficial. It comes and goes. If I lose all that, I will still have my wife and my family. That will always remain my foundation. My wife is my best friend. We talk about everything. After 11 years, man, every day I love her more."

DMX Convo...

Wednesday - January 22, 2003

I'm callin out to you Lord, because I need your help
See once again I'm havin difficulty savin myself
behavin myself, you told me what to do, and I do it
But every now and then, gets a little harder to go through it
Losin friends, day by day
I'm in so much pain when I'm here Lord, please take me away...

I put you here to do a job, and your work ain't done
To live is to suffer, but you're still my son
And there will be a time when you shine as bright as the stars
But there won't be a, his or hers, just ours
Then you'll see what I've been tryin to show you, all these years
Do the right thing; cause after the tears, come the cheers

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The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren wrote:

There is no growth without change, no change without fear or loss, and no loss without pain.

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That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
- 2 Corinthians 12:10

Monday - January 20, 2003

Think back twenty-six years, be like what in his birth
Was a miscarriage and I never existed?
Have I given something that if taken away you would've missed it?

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What if I was a miscarriage and I never even existed?...

So why was I created? Why was I given life? What is the purpose of my creation? What am I supposed to do here before my time on earth passes?

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The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren wrote:

Your life is not a result of random chance, fate, or luck. There is a master plan.

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For this God is our God forever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end.
- Psalm 48:14

DMX Convo...

Thursday - January 16, 2003

It's easier to sin, but it hurts my heart
I'm really tryin to win, so where do we start?

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The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren wrote:

While temptation is Satan's primary weapon to destroy you, God wants to use it to develop you. Temptation simply provides the choice.

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Dear brothers, is your life full of difficulties and temptations? Then be happy, for when the way is rough, your patience has a chance to grow. So let it grow, and don't try to squirm out of your problems. For when your patience is finally in full bloom, then you will be ready for anything, strong in character, full and complete.
- James 1:2-4

DMX Convo...

Sunday - January 12, 2003

Lord, you left me stranded, and I don't know why
Told me to live my life, now I'm ready to die
Ready to fly, I cry, but I shed no tears
You told me you would dead those fears, it's been years
Snakes still comin at me, just missin
Sometimes, I think all you do with me is just listen
I thought that I was special, that's what you told me
What did I do so bad that it sent you away from me?
Not only sent you away, but made you stay away from me?

My child I'm here, as I've always been
It is you who went away and now are back again
What did I say?
Follow your word, and be true
What did you do?
Well, what I wanted to do
What have you seen?
Darkness and hell at a glance
What do you want?
All I want is another chance...