Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
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Every man should get married some time;
after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!
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Getting married is very much like
going to a restaurant with
friends.You order what you want,
then when you see what the other fellow
has,You wish you had ordered that.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and
your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up
after you let him in!
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his
dearly departed mother
and started back toward his car when his
attention was diverted to
another man kneeling at a grave. The man
seemed to be praying
with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die?
Why did you have to die?" The
first man approached him and said, "Sir, I
don't wish to interfere with
your private grief, but this demonstration of
pain is more than I've
ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so
deeply? A child? A
parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect
himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."
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Married life is very frustrating. in the
first year of marriage, the
Hubby speaks and the wife listens. In the
second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens. In the third year, they
both speak and
the neighbors listen.
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A couple came upon a wishing well. The
husband leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny. The wife decided to
make a wish, too. But she
leaned over too much, fell into the well, and
drowned. The husband was
stunned for a while but then smiled "It
really works!"
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he
decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his
wife did.
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First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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A couple was having a discussion about family
finances. Finally the
husband exploded, "If it weren't for my
money, the house wouldn't be
here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it
weren't for your money, I
wouldn't be here."
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Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman
he loves. After marriage,
the "y" becomes silent.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how
much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't
know, son, I'm still paying for it."
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Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she
expects a man, after marriage she suspects him,
and after death she respects him.
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There was this guy who told his woman that he
loved her so much that he
would go thru hell for her. They got married
- and now he is going thru hell.
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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds :
"Wife wanted".
Next day, he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing :
"You can have mine."
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When a man opens the door of his car for his
wife, you can be sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife is.......
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A man received a letter from some kidnappers.
The letter said,
"If you don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise
you we will kidnap your wife."
The poor man wrote back,
" I am afraid I can't keep my promise
but I hope you will keep yours."
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"What's the matter, you look depressed."
"I'm having trouble with my wife."
"What happened?"
"She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days."
"But that ought to make you happy."
"It did, but today is the last day."
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My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two
times a week, we go to a nice restaurant,a little wine, good food.....
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. "
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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Some where I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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She has an electric electric toaster, and electric bread maker.
Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!
So I bought her an electric chair.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling,
"Am I too late for the garbage?"
"No, jump in!" said the truck driver.
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My wife dresses to kill.
She also cooks the same way.
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
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I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
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I bought my wife a new car.
She called and said, "There was water
in the carburetor."I asked her , "Where's the car?"
She replied, "In the lake."
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
"You know, I was a
fool when married you."The husband replied,
"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't
notice."----------------------------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife,
there is no better revenge than
to
let him keep her.---------------------------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months -
I don't like to
interrupt her.---------------------------------------------------------
My
wife told me I should be more affectionate.So I got
myself two girlfriends.----------------------------------------------------------
Man is incomplete until he is married.
Then he is finished.
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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Then there was a man who said,
"I never knew what real happiness
wasuntil I got married;
then it was too late.
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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
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The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is
that you never get to prove it.
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A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said,
" Dad!
I've found a woman just like mother"His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"
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Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.
The rest cheat in
Europe.----------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to
every word you say,
talk in your sleep.
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I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was
Always.---------------------------------------------------------
It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It
only seems longer.----------------------------------------------------------
Losing a wife can be very hard.
In my case, it was almost impossible.
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A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a
beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman -
and then, BAM!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
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I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both
husband and father,
I can say anything I want to around the house.
Of course, no one
pays the least bit of attention.----------------------------------------------------------
A successful man is one
who makes more money than his wife can
spend.A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
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How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done free.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it once.
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Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse
who is packing your parachute
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Wife: Would u like to have dinner.
Husband : What are the choices.
Wife : Yes or No.
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Kisi ek sher ki shaadi thi... to uske barat main ek chuha bahut
jam ke nach raha tha...Public ka to funda hill gaya.. boss yeh chuhe ko
sher ki shaadi main itna kya maja aa raha hai...
To ek bander ne chuhe se pucha ... "abhey item, itna kyon naach
raha hai ?"
Chuha bola... "aaj mere bhai ki shaadi hai, nachoo kyon nahin"
Bander: "Sher aur tera bhai.. chal hat!!"
Chuha: "Haan... main bhi shaadi ke pehle sher tha.
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Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that
some men should be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde
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A psychiatrist is a person who
will give you expensive answers that your wife will
give you for free.
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Bachelors know more about women than married men;
if they didn't, they'd be married too.
--H. L. Mencken
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Men have a better time than women;
for one thing, they marry later;
for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken
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"Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful."
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Marriage is a three ring circus:
--engagement ring
---wedding ring
---suffering
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When a newly married couple smiles,
everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles,
everyone wonders why.
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Do you believe in love at first sight,
or should I walk by again?
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Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?
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The only thing your eyes haven't told me is
your name.
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Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I
just wanted to give you notice that
I noticed you too.
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You with those curves, and me with no brakes ...
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Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.
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Baby, you must be a broom,
cause you just swept me off my feet.
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Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
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If you stood infront of a mirror and help up 11 roses,
you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.
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Most people like to watch the (i.e. World Cup, Stanley Cup, Superbowl, NBA
playoffs, etc..) cuz it only happens once a
year/every 4 years, but I'd
rather talk to you cause the chance of meeting
someone like you
only happens once in a lifetime.
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Did it hurt?
When you fell from heaven ...
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Girl, you must be tired 'cause you've been running
through my mind all day!
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Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers?
No!!!
Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
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Hey babe, how about a pizza and some sex?
[Slap]
HEY! What's wrong,
you don't like pizza?
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Can I flirt with you?
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If I could rewrite the alphabet,
I would put U and I together.
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There must be something wrong with my eyes, I
can't take them off you.
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Do you have a map?
I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
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Excuse me, but I DO think it's time we met.
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Shall we talk or continue flirting
from a distance?
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Be unique and different, say YES.
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I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
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What is a slutty girl like you doing in a classy
place like this?
OOPS!
I mean, what is nice girl like you doing in a dump
like this? (Phew)
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My name is {name}, but you can call me anything at all.
Just call me.
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He: Excuse me, want to dance?
She: No.
He: Maybe you didn't hear me... I said you look
really fat in those pants!
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He : Hey Baby ... Wanna dance?
She : No.
He : Oh, C'mon! Lower you're standards a little.
I did...
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After hearing a pick-up line:
I like your approach,
now let's see your departure.
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Cheers!!! |
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