My Story

It was nearly three years after tests for infertlity and taking the drug 'Clomid' for a year that I first suspected I was at last pregnant! Back in 1979 there were no pregnancy tests to buy over the counter that gave results the first day of a missed period! I had to wait until I was 14 days late before I could take a sample to a nearby chemist to be analysed. I waited anxiously for the result. It was about 10 minutes later that I was told the test was positive!! I could have kissed him!!!
I told my hubby right away, phoning him at work, 'we're pregnant, we're having a baby' I yelled. He was overjoyed at the news. We told all our family and friends about the miracle that had finally occured.
I began knitting and crocheting for our baby. I hoped for a girl and wanted to call her Katie Anne, but my hubby said it was a boy, so we also chose the name Stephen. Six days later I suffered backache. It felt like my period was coming, but I shrugged it off, I'd read it was common in early pregnancy. I went to work but was sent home just a few hours later with severe cramping in my belly. I was devasted, I just knew I was losing our much-wanted baby. I started to bleed heavily just as my hubby rushed home from work to be with me.
I had locked myself in the bathroom, feeling a strong urge to 'push'. My doctor was on his way and entered our home just as I lost what seemed to be two huge clots. My doctor examined them carefully, he then told me I'd lost two babies, not one. I was carrying twins!!
The doctor said there was probaby something wrong with the babies, that I was lucky to lose them, we didn't think so!! He gave me some awful pills to expel contents left in my womb, they caused severe pain, it was like miscarrying all over again. I couldn't sleep that night. I kept staring at the two babies I'd lost in a soap dish. I could clearly see the spines, arms, legs and very tiny fingers. I cried looking at them and my hubby tried to comfort me, though he was very distressed himself.
We realised we had probably lost our little Katie Anne and Stephen. Why? It was the only word we could repeat, life wasn't fair.
My doctor gave me the go-ahead to try again after my next period. It came exactly on time, I was angry as it should never have showed! The period after that one was late. I started to count the days, surely I couldn't be pregnant again so quickly? I began to FEEL pregnant, nauseous with tender breasts. I was sure this baby would be alright, at fourteen days late I saw my GP who sent my water sample to the hospital to be tested. I was told to go back in a week for the result. The day before my test was to be confirmed I started to cramp and bleed again. I was so worried. Surely I couldn't lose this baby too? We wanted it so badly, again I was convinced it was a girl! I'd already named her Sara, oh God, please don't let me lose my baby again! My hubby rang for my DR who was on his way. I lost my baby as he came in, just as before. He confirmed another miscarriage, exactly the same time I lost the twins!! Again I was given the awful pills with reassurance there was something wrong with my baby...to try again in two months time. I felt shattered, my dreams of a baby were beginning to fade. I cried into my hubby's arms all night, he cried silently too. 'Why, why me?' was all I could ask. There seemed to be no answers to my question.
Christmas came and went and in came the new year with new hopes and dreams, dreams of a baby to fill my empty arms. It was January 1980 and I decided to try again that month to conceive. Sure enough I missed the next period! I was so excited and told everyone again. This time everything would be fine, nobody lost three pregnancies in a row, it was unheard of! I patiently waited for my 14th day to take my sample in. I knew I was pregnant, I could tell and I was never late unless I'd conceived. Still I wanted a baby girl, my hubby a boy, so we chose Rachel for a girl's name and Wayne for a boy. Our due date was around our wedding anniversary too! Was this an omen? On the very day I was to find out for sure I was pregnant, early in the morning, I began to cramp and bleed heavily. I rang my DR who said miscarriage was inevitable. There was nothing he could do to prevent it. Again I was just 7 weeks pregnant, why always as I approached 7 weeks? I lost twins again, alone in the bathroom. My DR confirmed the two embryos when he came soon after. I'd lost our precious Wayne and Rachel, our much-wanted babies again. Would I find the strength to carry on? Would I ever find out why I'd lost them all? Five babies lost in three pregnancies in 10 months. I feared for our future, a future of empty arms and heavy hearts. My desire to become a mother grew stronger with each painful loss. I would not give up, not whilst I still had fertile eggs and a womb, I was a young woman just yearning for a baby to call my own.
That same year I fell pregnant again, I lost another baby at exactly 7 weeks.
The following year, 1981 I lost two more babies a few months apart at 7 weeks. My DR seemed to have given up caring, I wasn't even sent for tests to try to find out what was going wrong. My hopes were diminishing quickly, yet I still yearned to have a child, so I kept on trying. In 1982 I conceived twice more and lost each baby at 7 weeks. 1983 brought two more unsucccssful pregnancies, again lost at 7 weeks. The strain on my marriage took its toll, we began to take it out on each other. We had forgotten how to be a man and wife, we just yearned to be a mum and dad. I divorced my husband in 1984 after losing a total of twelve babies in ten pregnancies. My life seem shattered, I decided to throw myself into work and accept I'd never be a mummy.....



Later that year I met a divorcee, we soon fell in love and I let him move into my home. He had a 3 year old son from his previous marriage and he stayed with us at weekends. We got along fine, his son and I. A few years later my partner asked me if I'd try for a baby with him. He knew my history but said if I conceived to a different man I might just carry to term! It seemed plausible, I had read that a cause of recurrent miscarriage could be antibodies in my blood mixed with my husbands that were not compatible. I came off the birth control pill. Within a few months I missed a period. It was 1998, I could have had a test done at 10 days late at our chemist, but I just daren't raise my hopes. I waited anxiously for the seventh week to approach, knowing miscarriage was inevitable for me. My partner loved the country singer, Tammy Wynette, he also said it would be nice if I gave him a girl, and chose her name, 'Tammy Marie'. I daren't think of names, my last few pregnancies I'd not dared to! I carried on working full time in a clothing store, my friends were aware of my pregnancy at work and were concerned yet hopeful too.
I passed the dreaded 7th week, then the 8th, the 9th... was I really 9 weeks pregnant? Had I made it this time? I was overjoyed that last week. I bought lots of new baby clothes, chose my pram, knitted each evening, crocheted shawls etc. everybody was hopeful for me this time. Tammy Marie.... it was a nice name I guess, we never thought of it being a boy! I talked to my baby a lot, especially when I was on my own. My belly began to grow and I felt really pregnant! I made an appointment to see the DR the following week, I would be needing a scan before my twelfth week and booking into the maternity ward. It didn't seem real, was I dreaming?
I was at work the following week when I started to get sharp pains in my right side of my abdomen. It was a dull, constant pain, it worsened. I felt sick, faint and dizzy. I was sent home and my DR was called. He arrived within minutes of hearing of my condition. I was lying on the bed in agony when he arrived. He touched the site of my pain, mumbled the words ectopic pregnancy (I'd never heard of it)..then rang for an ambulance to come immediately. Within minutes I was being took out on a stretcher and rushed to theatre in hospital. I can't remember much, I seemed to sleep a lot, but the ambulance crew kept waking me up. Little did I know I was near to death, heamorraging my life's blood into my stomach. I was put under anaesthetic quickly and was oblivious to the next few hours. I woke up in a lot of pain with a large cut in my lower abdomen. The DRs at the hospital told me I had a baby growing in my right fallopian tube, it had ruptured, I was very lucky! My baby had been removed and I'd lost my tube in the process. No wonder I couldn't miscarry that baby! I was numb with shock and glad of the morphine that made me sleep all evening and night. I was allowed home on the 7th day with the reassurance my other tube was healthy, I could still conceive in the future. No way did I want to think about getting pregnant again, enough was enough!
I healed physically and emotionally over the next 7 weeks and was allowed back at work. It felt strange going back and not being pregnant, it brought back memories of baby shopping and talking of my future. Tammy Marie had gone forever, just like my other 12 babies. I took a job in the evenings too, I suddenly felt the urge to work and buy all the things for the home I wanted. It helped to ease the emotional turmoil I first felt. Our lost baby was never mentioned by anyone, for fear of upsetting me I guessed.

The following year, 11 months after my last loss I missed a period despite taking the birth control pill religiously. I was very worried when it didn't arrive a week later. I made an appointment to see my new doctor. We had moved house to a new area, so this DR knew nothing about me. He told me to take a water sample to him to be tested. sure enough it was positive! I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to suffer all of this again. My partner and I were not getting on well at all, it made the situation worse. I suspected he was having an affair, I later found out I was right. He didn't want this baby, he even told me to abort it, said the 'timing wasn't right' this time! I could never have killed a baby, but I knew I wouldn't even carry it to term, God would take it from me again. The following week I began to feel attached to my baby, I hadn't planned for this, it meant all of the pain and misery after the inevitable loss. I convinced myself it was growing in my remaining tube. I had a slight ache in my left side. My DR said I was being irrational, he examined my abdomen and told me there was no sign of swelling in my tube.
The dreaded 7th week came, but no bleeding! I was now certain my baby was growing in my remaining fallopian tube. I revisited the DR, again he told me I was over-anxious, to go home and look forward to a healthy baby in about 7 months time. He even told me my due date and said he was booking me in for a scan and a visit to the midwife. I shook my head, I wouldn't get that far... I left his surgery feeling a little angry he had not heeded my fears.
About four days later the pain in my side grew much worse. I decided to just go to Emergency at the hospital. After a few tests and a scan my fears were confirmed, the baby was growing in my remaining left tube. I was nearly 8 weeks, I'd just made it in time before my tube ruptured, though the baby was too big to save my tube. That evening I was taken to theatre for the same operation to remove my baby and tube. I awoke in the same awful pain, another large cut below, and a deep sense of loss. This time it was different though, I was now sterile, barren, infertile. No more would I conceive or see a pregnancy test prove positive. Was that good or bad? Fourteen babies I'd lost in all, and nearly my life! I was told by the consultant that I could have a test tube baby for free in the future, to not lose hope!! It made me feel a little better knowing that, though I'm not sure if I'd have had it done, the chances of a pregnancy were very slim. I recovered and was allowed home after a week. I soon left my partner who was starting to bully me. I rented a place of my own, a nice house by the seaside, and got two cats. I loved cats and kittens, they were my substitute babies! My faith in God kept me going in life, I'd always been a Christian and I knew God had a reason for taking all my babies. I also believe one day I'll see them. I named my last baby Faith after it was taken from me at the hospital. Faith was all I had left... Faith would see me through the future, a childless future.

Music ~A Love So Beautiful~

MY STORY