Untitled & undirected

um. readers note, or something... this isn't a poem or a story, or even some loosely defined prose really..it's just some things that i need to put somewhere, and i didn't want to clog up my journal with it, and i don't promise it'll be coherent, or readable but..yeah. self indulgent as fuck. so? there's an angsty gothed up placebo fan teenage "poet" in everyone i suppose.

erm. where to begin. i was thinking about all this stuff last night on the way home, and i still haven't really made sense of it, but i at least found myself a nice handy clichéd metaphor for it, which is something, i guess. i wasn't gonna write this down, but some other stuff has made me feel like i need to vent somewhere, so now's as good a time as any. i feel like my orbit's shrinking, if that doesn't sound horribly contrived. it's like.. yknow when you feel up, and happy, and ecstatic, you feel like you want to whirl around at stupid speeds, covering huge distances, until the whole world has seen how stupefied and wonderful you feel? this is the opposite.

they say life is circular, and maybe it is; you have the things you revolve around, and you follow yr life accordingly, on a set path [defined by you or something else, fuck knows, i'm not a philosopher]. and maybe if you get control of your life your orbit expands, you travel greater distances, you depend on the centre of your orbit less, you swing in and out of your own solar system as you see fit. but i feel like the opposite is happening.. i feel like i'm closing in on myself, and like my "orbit" doesn't form a full circle anymore - more like it's a spiral, and every possibility has either slipped out of reach, or worse, revealed itself in all its pointless, purposeless inglory. i've already rambled about my feelings about love in my journal so i won't do that again. but lately, my waking life has been neatly divided into a few basic...um.. experiences i guess; short-term "living" [cheery, social but directionless], emotional flatline, and actual physical pain - and then watching someone else's physical and emotional pain, which is, to be fair, far worse than mine - but they seem so much stronger inashmuch that they get through the day.. and i barely do. and even now, i'm propping up other people who i don't owe anything to, and smiling politely when they change the fucking subject to get back onto the standard, acceptable and scintillating topic of Them.

i can count on the unflinching support of a few people, though lately a few betrayals have made me realise it's fewer than i thought - but support alone doesn't fix the problem. i couldn't ask more from these people, because sometimes i think they're more than i deserve - but ultimately, they aren't feeling this, they're just seeing the occasional symptoms and doing whatever they can to help.. it doesn't stop the isolation.

so this spiral... for want of a better description or metaphor, it just feels like it's set on a trajectory towards a sunspot. which is clearly not the direction i should be going in.







i had a vision like an acrobat - you caught me spinning like a wheel - i lost control, well i can give you that - well what the hell, i made it work for me - and how i wish that you could see me now - i really wish that you were here - you'd be so proud, i know you really would - to see the things that i can do - nobody told me it would be like this. © chris olley - 2002







and you can blame the weatherman but it's pouring down inside
© ishmael lewis