The Capsule Wardrobe: My Arse.

I, being a total girl, buy a lot of fashion magazines. Every now and then they roll out that perennial favourite - the capsule wardrobe. The keen and wise thinking behind this lil' idea is that if you own one white shirt, one black pair of trousers and one pair of black shoes, you will never again face a clothing dilemma. Not for you the agonising decision between the pink cords and the skinny-fit jeans!! You will be free from that, and will live out your remaining days on a plane far above standard consciousness, munching elegantly and serenely on Nobu sushi, stopping every now and then to wipe a fleck of sauce from your pristine Conran table. You will do all of this in impossibly perfect Helmut Lang wool trousers. Naturally they will be the only pair of trousers in your "minimalist wardrobe".

At this point, it is my solemn and inescapable duty to step in and issue a resounding "BOLLOCKS". No-one except grumpy men who despise all things of beauty, or dirty fuckers, make it through their daily lives in one pair of trousers. She who owns one shirt will end up smelling - when exactly are you gonna wash it?? Therefore I have done the virtuous and selfless thing and devised my own [new and improved, natch] "capsule wardrobe". Warning: this will not fit inside anything that may be described as a capsule. Unless it's quite a big capsule.

You will need:

® One pair of fantastic, excellent jeans that if need be, you could wear every day. Doesn't matter if they're cheap or expensive, as long as they fit and you like them.

® Another pair of jeans. Jeans get fucked up. Deal with it. Be prepared.

® Some trousers. Yes, that's right, some trousers. What, you want directions? Just..try them on, if they fit buy them. Simple as.

® 4 skirts. Minimum. A long skirt, a knee-length [or just above/below] skirt, a short tarty little number that will flash far more than is really necessary of your legs, and..another short tarty little number. can't have too much of a good thing, eh? :)

® 2 or 3 excellent jackets. Everyone needs jackets. If they are excellent, so much the better.

® Shoes - 1 or 2 pairs of trainers, some smart shoes in case the worst befalls you and you are forced to get a job, and some 4-inch high killer fucking heels. These will make your feet cry out in extreme agony. They will induce bunions the size of South Korea. If it is cold outside, you will no doubt also acquire a hardcore and rather chic example of frostbite. They are not for the weak of will or faint of heart. They will however make you pull on every occasion regardless of what the rest of your outfit is like. Unless of course you resemble the rear end of a rhino. But we'll leave that one.

® As many skinny t-shirts as you can cram into one or two drawers. She who is without funkay t-shirts is without a soul. Band tees, plain tees, tees with retro-ey slogans, tees with slogans that make no sense whatsoever, tees with badges pinned to them, customised tees, tees that used to be something else, tees made from long-disused rubber wellies - do not discount any possibility. WITHOUT T-SHIRTS YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE WORTHLESS SCUM. GO AND HANG YOURSELF. Or buy a t-shirt. Either will do, it's of no consequence to me. I just work here.

® 1 or 2 coats. Sometimes shit happens and it rains. A coat is a good idea.

® Belts. See t-shirts. There is no such thing as too many. The weirder the better. I once saw a belt with a carved metal buckle that was the shape of a VW Beetle. It was an emotional moment and I'm not ashamed to say that I shed a few quiet tears.

® Badges. Now everyone needs badges. You can put them anywhere. You can jab unfortunate fools with them. You can even wear them. The possibilities are endless.

® Underwear - everyone needs pants. Commando just isn't nice. And if you're rounded up t'top end, a bra is a good idea, unless you wish to fling your orbs in people's faces at any given moment. Plus it does look nicer. ;)

® Socks. Do not ignore the wondrous invention that is the sock. Especially if it happens to be thigh-high with a particularly attractive pistachio-and-blue argyle pattern on it. These will never fail to educate and amuse. They will also look commendably excellent with the short tarty little skirts that you will by now have bought two of.

This wardrobe probably would fit into a capsule in fact, albeit quite a big one. But there you go. If your craving for organisation and tidiness of thought is such that you'd actually plan how many t-shirts you should own, then do by all means take whatever is helpful from this advice. I give it lovingly.

Yours, Auntie Gen.