How To Make Gen Mad - UPDATED March 03

For those that know me, no doubt at some point in your life you will find a deep-rooted desire to do something, ANYTHING that will annoy me. Something that will make me grit my teeth in irritation. For those that don't, read on nonetheless! You may find something that will help you in your own life and relationships. For here, contained within these hallowed pages, is a collection of all the things that one can do if they wish to be assassinated by one of my henchmen. I have assembled this list from my own experiences - therefore, dear reader, you may be assured that these tips are tried and tested.

Call me 'girl' ® My name is not girl. I was not christened girl, nor is it a particularly favourite nickname of mine. If you're trying to appear louche and artistic in a romantic, brusque filmstar kinda way, then, like, yay!!! You failed. If you wish to address me, you may either use my name or a term of affection - 'hun' is acceptable. As is 'sweetie'. On occasions of great urgency, 'oi you' or 'boodledrop'will do. If you simply address me as 'girl', I will ignore you.

Immediately msg me two or three times on msn ® I have a large msn list. This is not bragging; this is a matter of fact. I've used msn long enough to accumulate an extensive list of my friends on there. Therefore, the chances are that when I sign in, if you immediately msg me, you will not be the only one. My computer is s-l-o-o-o-o-o-w. If 5 or 6 people make my computer go PING! PING! PING! PING! PING! PING! PING! PING! PING! at the same time, the chances are that it will crash. Then I will not like you.

Pester me ® If you ask me a favour, you need only ask once. If I say I will get round to it, I will. A gentle reminderly nudge can be productive. Bugging me every single time you see/talk to me cannot. Ever.

Tell me that my music taste is 'wrong' ® No. My music taste is not your music taste. I know that's hard to come to terms with, what with my opinion being the be-all-and-end-all in your life, but with the proper help and guidance, I'm sure you'll come to accept it.

Plug your band at me ® Many people I know are guilty of this. If you have a gig coming up in my local area, it's perfectly reasonable to let me know - chances are, unless you're shite, I will almost certainly want to come along. Telling me about every movement of your band is not reasonable. It's annoying. Stop it.

Tell me that music stopped being good after a particular year ® Metal did not die in 1990. Guns N Roses are not the greatest rock band that ever lived. The Stone Roses were not as important as you think they were - not to me, anyway. Musical nostalgia is a bad thing if it blinkers you to the great stuff coming out of the peeny venues and garages and basements of our fair isle. Of course it's your opinion, and you're entitled to it. Just keep it well away from me. *sweet smile*

Complain at me that your life is shit, then refuse to do anything about it ® I like to be a good friend. If you need advice, I will almost certainly do what I can to help. But asking me for help, telling me how unhappy you are, then dismissing everything I say and telling me that I "don't understand" or that I'm wrong - is there a point to that? Do you want my help or not? Either try and explain your problem better, or take some advice when it's offered.

Don't try and be random ® Some people are good at randomness. Gemmeh, Harrence and TomA are exceptional at it. You might be good at it too. But if you're not, please stop trying. You sound like a tit.

Behave like a two-faced shit ® I don't really need to explain this one, do I?

Send me millions of fwds/emails/large attachments ® Si is allowed to do this, because he generally sends good stuff. The rest of you aren't. [unless it's good, innit] :-p I know, I know, I'm being very mean. But I only have a hotmail account, and it's already 80% full. Everytime you send me something, it fills up a bit more. If you send me big stuff, it goes over the limit. I can't receive emails. I can't even reply to the ones I have, so as to deal with them and get rid of them. It's annoying. Please please please please stop it.

Call me 'mate' ® if we're not actually mates. Like if you're my boss. It's an obsequious and pathetic attempt at ingratiating yourself into my goodwill, and not a little sickening.

Assume you know everything about me and therefore are justified in judging me ® You don't. And you're not. So fuck off.

I think that's it for now. If you can think of anything else that might annoy me in some beautiful and wonderful way, don't hesitate to let me know, and I'll let you know what I think. And possibly kill you. :):):)