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| Jim was smart, he had looks, charm, & a great personality, he had it all, makes me wonder why he took the road he took. I told myself he`s a grown man with a good head on his shoulders he`ll make the right decisions. How do you stop a grown man from doing anything? He always told me "relax mom you worry to much, it`s not that bad" I fussed at him a few times about what he was doing, until finally I asked him to leave, he never did, he died at home. I didn`t get one of those 1am phone calls, but I did find him, I don`t know which is worse. |
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| Just like in NA or AA they tell you "one day at a time" just one, I can hear My Jim telling me "go on you can do it I`ll always be in your heart, & we`ll always have our memories, I don`t want memories I want him. I have to belive someday I`ll remember his smell his laughter, that twinkle in his eyes & those wonderful words I heard everyday, "I Love You Mom" |
| They say when a person does drugs their attitude & personality changes, they aren`t the same person, I didn`t see that in Jim, I`m not saying there weren`t changes, he didn`t change toward me, before or during his addiction, he was always around, always helpful, he`d get ready to leave the house & ask if I needed him to do anything before he left & if I needed to get ahold of him to page him, & when he came home he`d ask the same thing & tell me he`d be out back if I needed him. His best friend told me right after Jim died that there wasn`t an hour in any given day he didn`t talk about how he could make my life better. I wished I could have made his life better. |
| If tears could build a stairway, & memories a lane. I`d walk right up to heaven, & bring you home again. unknown |
| I know God won`t give me anything I can`t handle. I just wish he didn`t trust me so much. Mother Teresa |
| Some things that were given to me or I read over the last year since Jim died |
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| PLEASE Please, don`t ask me if I`m over it, I`ll never be over it. Please, don`t tell me Jim`s in a better place, he isn`t here with me. Please don`t tell me he isn`t suffering, I haven`t come to terms as to why he had to suffer at all. Please, don`t ask me if I feel better, bereavement isn`t a condition that clears up. Please, don`t tell me I had him for 25 years, what year would you choose your child to die? Please don`t ever tell me that God doesn`t give us more than we can handle. Please just say your sorry, Please just say you remember my Jim, Please just talk about him, Please mention Jim by his name, Please just let me cry. |
| Does the pain ever stop? Does it ever quit hurting? Can you see what`s going on? Can you hear me? Why aren`t you hear? Why don`t you come to me? Let me know your ok is that possible? Do we live in a world of fantasy? Is there really a heaven or a hell? What is a soul? Who is God really? Do we know? Can you do things you like to do? Do you eat? Do you sleep? Can you love? Can you be loved? Are you alone? Do you have friends? Your not scared are you? Do you need me? Will we be together gain? Will I be able to touch? Will I hear you laugh? Will I see that twinkle in you eyes again? Will I ever hear "Mom I Love You" |
| How am I supposed to live without you? No one ever told me life would be so cruel. The end came suddlenly without any warning. Now I`m left here to do all the mourning. And just when your zest for life had begun, there`s nowhere to hide & no where to run. I can`t get away from this pain in my heart, My whole life has been completely torn apart. Even the good memories have become hard to bear, because there wont be anymore, anytime anywhere. I`ll go on existing without any clue, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU. |
| Hi Baby, It`s been a year since you left me, time drags then stops, then it goes so fast I can`t keep up. I would do anything to turn back the clock & start the year all over. You are first & foremost in my thoughts, & heart now & forever. I look at the stars, are you there? do you see me? I want so bad to touch you to see you & hear you again. I Love You Mom 5/22/2000 |