| POETRY FROM OTEP'S DIARY and so it begins... my journey into the soft womb of cerebral palaces and the pale panic of despair ... savoring each moment as if it were a single crumb of food picked from dead teeth by the hungry fingers of a survivor ... this is my adventure fine citizen ... welcome to the world of truth and experience ... -- Thursday, Apr. 17, 2003 - 2:15 PM u know .... we get what we deserve. take whatever u want out of this statement -- its true. accountability is a bitch. Monday, Apr. 14, 2003 - 4:43 PM yer wrong. and u know it. this is all it will ever be get used to the idea u will die u will be forgotten. Friday, Apr. 11, 2003 - 11:53 AM eat it. you know ewe like it. the smell. the taste. no. its not foul. its not spoiled. just eat it. because we say so. Thursday, Apr. 03, 2003 - 11:02 AM okay ...... so ..... ?? ..... i challenged god and the death of soul in a swollen fit of pain ..... i waged war with a host of monsters from shame to gravity to blame ... who's next to test? who blessed your breath? and on and on. Wednesday, Apr. 02, 2003 - 12:53 PM every now and again .... we have to have that day .... a complete and utter breach of emotion .... its okay ... let it out .... you deserve it .... alone .... someplace beautiful .... where peace can swallow u like a casket .... warm, excited, free .... ready for the next phase of the disease. Monday, Mar. 31, 2003 - 1:36 PM why are soap operas so popular? the acting is shit ... the stories are amazingly unbelievable ... but millions of people love them .... what about professional wrestling? or jerry springer? or reality tv? or these mindless pop-stars? rewarded for the least amount of effort i guess .... but then the overwhelming multi-mind of the masses still questions the Puritanical Elite "whats wrong with our children?" "why are they so unrealistic?" ..... u reap what u sow. Friday, Mar. 28, 2003 - 11:41 PM if u ever fear ... know that we are with u if u ever doubt ... survive come home soon, come home safe. Thursday, Mar. 27, 2003 - 4:16 PM marduk is watching ......... gilgamesh is weeping ........ the children starve in their graves. Tuesday, Mar. 04, 2003 - 9:16 PM voices caught in the slaughter virgin corpses ghost children wandering poisoned by the water a slave a serpent a poet a mage an eager army of artists evolving, unafraid the time has come, the day is here the chance is at hand the hour is near. Saturday, Mar. 01, 2003 - 4:04 PM eye want to hear your voices to see your fury to smell your pain to taste your fear to touch your joy bring me in to your private places it's only fair. quid pro quo do u dare to share? broken souls splintered bones building an empire of skin and passion you are all dolls pretending to be alive let me know it that this was worth it that u believe. Saturday, Mar. 01, 2003 - 3:42 PM maybe i will maybe i won't this is my fucking decision not yours got it? miracle warfare pond scum pretending to be royalty and the believers, oh, the believers ...... so pathetic. art is dead. this is call to arms. this is summoning. necromancers, your time has come. Thursday, Feb. 06, 2003 - 4:05 PM i have enemies and nightmares and emotional disorders and tendencies towards violence i have a lot of anger ....in me i have no choice but to survive my way not yours i keep my head filled with words and knowledge and wisdom of people far greater than i will ever be to drown out the noise of eternal chaos that unending hum of eventual end the buzzing of millions upon trillions of hungry insects begging to be fed shaking the violence out of my head & hand this pen this paper this keyboard whatever eye need. Saturday, Feb. 01, 2003 - 4:50 PM in memoriam 39 miles high scattered like fireflies in a brief, brilliant moment sent safely back to the eternal hive shine, shine sweet tears in the great diamond memory of undying time. Sunday, Jan. 26, 2003 - 11:51 AM yes, i am immune. undisturbed by these cheap weak insanities u so desperately fear shit. all i got is like 12 cents in my pocket and a damaged pen fighting to live whut i need now is an enemy or a war or some sort of self-catastrophe to defy to survive --- speak'n like jesus in a world of riots 'cept, i author my own psalms ...... for love, for pain, for art ..... for all. Sunday, Jan. 26, 2003 - 2:28 PM shoved and shuffled in a frozen moment of chaos with gritted teeth and trembling jaw, hands a'shakin' --- rescued once more from the tyrant race ((((all is well)))) ((((all is well))))) into the barrier lights of a tiny town a tiny face tiny fingers pink skin & fat toes a stolen treasure from the fields of Elysium giggles and wriggles on a blue blanket throne and yet, the nightmares still come ... like ancient shadows heralding a forced reality i am expected to forget ... >>the shame<<< that i am not at all close to "normal" that i will never know the certainty of your beautiful perfection and so i searched ... and voyaged .... and cried ... and died ... long before you could open the newness of your hungry irish eyes & i discovered the answers to all the questions that i never knew i had .... those voices from the FAR kissed my lips with a mental slip of truth and progression yes, like the minoans they knew they understood so i learned of powerful medicines & tales of sacred mysteries of half-bloods and minotaurs and of courageous poetic mages dancing like gods, alive & free and soon, my aching soul was numb with change as it became ONE with the watering mouth of superior, endless rage then suddenly, i could feel again ... i could selflessly celebrate the coming of the new king .... tiny, shining, ayvreeAten growing tirelessly with a special refreshing, shivering soul from the sacred sliver of a gentle feminine nature pouring pure from their angelic Mater uniting us with the laughter of her love making me WHOLE with a majestic duty honor bound, in this world and the next my beauties ... *my 4 darling starlights* . the sooper-genius wurd prophet . the gentle warrior with the sunbeam smile . the golden gurl with the grand gift to heal and now ....... the next prince of justice breathes the air of hope and precious, pious, passion. so to them, and to "my sweet tribe of 3" ... my smiling angels, & quiet tuff guy.... i offer u my most treasured possessions .............. unconditional love ..... & loyalty. to my ancestors, i offer my thx ... i know u were there, holding quiet the shaking soul of the great GoldenBoy ... ever watching ... securing the perimeter ... we forgive u for your selfish sins and passive neglect .... but we will not follow your path of the past ......no. we pave our own way. and this time, we shall not fail. Thursday, Jan. 23, 2003 - 11:20 PM the stronger i am the weaker i become. Friday, Jan. 17, 2003 - 10:58 AM i see visions, --- does that mean i'm profrain? i believe in the impossible, --- does that make me insane. well ........ does it? i wake every day and look to the shrouded hills of L.A. expecting to see naplam plumes and poison gas clouds. i look to the neighboring valley hoping my eyes will not be blinded by a super-heated flash of radiation followed by a climbing behemoth of ash and debris. is it relief i feel when all i see is dusty streets crowded with buses & delivery trucks & SUV's & shameless sports mobiles? or hills crowded like Jerusalem with shining houses whose occupants completely ignore my perception of a possible implausible coming apocalypse? or is it fear? that it hasn't happened yet? that i still have to wait for it to come? nay. its nothing. its neither. its both, but not all. i welcome the end. and then, maybe, someone will do it right this time. Wednesday, Dec. 11, 2002 - 3:36 PM so ... you know ... its kinda like this ... bloody bones, terrifying tones, the vile voice of almost realness ... whutz the flavor, neighbor? howz your cat taste? in that stew i brewed just for u and that silly, maniacal, neurotic bag of arms and tongue too. basically, all summed up, in the swelling of a nightmare, in the night shavings of a runaway freight vein intenstinal cramping and tubular kinks paralyzed neurofiber and pinched organs -- starving thick maroon to blackish pink its all loneliness now .... just silence and sleep the chemicals have lost their taste and touch and no longer seem to care addiction ignores me and i don't mind there's not room for much else in this bloated eye of madness of mine yesterday, to my dismay apathy wrote a suicide letter it's unreadable ... one of us, is illiterate. Tuesday, Nov. 05, 2002 - 10:44 PM just think ... for a moment ... how painful life is for u ... then u wonder ... what it feels like for everywon else ... for me ... for them ... why we should we care ... if u don't ... hypocrit ... heretic ... blasphemer ... if this is it. if this is what u expect of me .... i fear for u all. Sunday, Nov. 03, 2002 - 2:43 PM suffocating still complaining everyday in every way more more more Tuesday, Oct. 29, 2002 - 1:23 AM fame a moment of fire raising the dead searching in the coal dust sound of midnite for a sign a signal for something ... else failure for the sake of healing service beauty shape the edge of an end the place the grave my smile your eyes the world nothing prayer coupled in the needy Wilderness for a second of your time |