This Joke�s on You � The Taxpayer:
The Ten Funniest Examples of Government Waste There�s nothing that gets taxpayers� blood boiling quite as much as learning that their hard-earned tax dollars are being recklessly squandered. Senator Everett Dirksen once observed �A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you�re talking real money,� which seems to be our elected officials� attitude toward the bucks they harvest from all of us every payday. But for most taxpayers, every single dollar is �real money,� and we�d prefer that our government not waste a penny of it. It�s a pity that our politicians can�t seem to understand this point� Although none of the following examples is a budget-buster in and of itself, they are all representative of the casual manner in which government doles-out tax dollars as if they were some sort of inconsequential �pin-money.� When you consider the number of silly ideas funded this way, you can see how they all add up to the �billion here, billion there� that Senator Dirksen lamented. But in the spirit of �It�s better to laugh than cry,� about these excesses, here are ten of the most outrageously funny examples of ways in which our tax money gets frittered-away: Inventing Dumber Catfish The federal Agricultural Research Service provided Auburn University with a $600,000 increase in grant money in fiscal year 2001 in order to study genetic manipulation of catfish in order to create a breed that is easier for fishermen to catch. Researchers want to be able to create a hybrid combining traits from channel catfish and blue catfish (two species that do not naturally interbreed) which will result in a new type that will be healthier, grow faster, and will possess less �smarts� to avoid getting hooked. You see, it seems that the researchers have discovered that channel catfish stay at the bottom of a fish pond, making them difficult to harvest with nets, while blue catfish swim higher in the water, making them an easier catch. This has great potential for sport fishing. Dr. John W. Jensen, head of Auburn�s Fisheries and Allied Aquacultures Department, says the new hybrid is �definitely easy to catch� with lures and bait. But there�s a problem. These researchers aren�t sure that the new breed is smart enough to safely enter natural waterways. Security at Auburn�s catfish genome laboratory is tight to prevent the inadvertent release of any of these stupid mutants into local rivers. UFOs From The Government Flying saucers conjure up images of stale science fiction films, even to scientists themselves. But to the U.S. government, they�re yet another shot at sending our tax dollars into orbit � without much chance of recovery. An article in the respected New Scientist magazine has uncovered a $600,000 NASA grant to develop a �super-conducting disk� that defies gravity and attains orbit above the earth without the massive power of rockets. One small problem � all of NASA�s hopes are pinned upon the unproven assertions of a single Russian scientist, E. E. Podkletnov, who claims he produced just such a disk that actually lost 2 percent of its weight. So far, no good. The first disk NASA paid for, produced to Podkletnov�s specifications, did not show any signs of anti-gravity. Undeterred by this failure, the grant recipients continued working upon a larger model, in the hopes of re-inventing the unreal. Members of the physics community, not known to be intellectual sticks-in-the-mud, scoff at this throwback to the days of H.G. Wells. According to University of Maryland�s Professor Ho Paik, �Gravity�s produced by mass � I can�t see why you�d do an experiment based upon physics that�s completely wrong.� But that�s okay, NASA paid for this one with our tax dollars. It Isn�t Surplus if You Need It The Associated Press conducted an investigation into Defense Department expenses on re-purchasing materials previously declared surplus. Yep, you read that right � the Pentagon spends at least $6 million per year buying back the very materials it once gave away at bargain-basement prices. One surplus parts buyer recently sold the Pentagon a consignment of generator shafts for $200 apiece � generator shafts he had purchased as military surplus for $20 each. He later stood to make $1 million off a load of aircraft turbine disks that he had won at a federal auction for just $25,000. Another buyer sold-back to the Army a box of washers for $100,000; he had paid $10 for them as surplus. But you can�t fault the surplus-buyers for making a buck off military stupidity. The National Association of Aircraft and Communications Suppliers estimates that only about 5 percent of what they purchase as government surplus is re-sellable. The other 95% is wasted inventory that the government (and taxpayers) should never have paid for in the first place. Visitor Center for One It�s great to be Senator Robert W. Byrd (D WV). Dubbed the �Prince of Pork,� the good senator knows how to direct federal spending to his home state of West Virginia. One of his pet projects as Chairman of the Senate Appropriations committee was the restoration and conversion of a railroad station in Thurmond, WV into a major visitor center. That project cost taxpayers $2.5 million. The town of Thurmond has only 8 residents. That�s a whopping $312,500 per resident. What prompted the senator�s generosity to a town that sees so very few visitors? Well, it seems that Senator Byrd is a frequent train traveler, taking Amtrak�s Cardinal Limited between his home town and Washington, DC. That particular train passes through � you guessed it � Thurmond, WV. It seems that a pretty view from a train window can cost taxpayers a pretty penny. Housefly Pornography Combine the old Hollywood movies �The Fly� and �Weird Science,� and you�ll have a good idea what the National Science Foundation (NSF) has been up to. The NSF provided a $229,460 grant of taxpayer money for scientists to study the sexual habits of approximately 2,000 houseflies per week. Experiments include creating trans-sexual male flies, while blinding others and allowing them to mate through smell. The practical objective of this study is not clear, except to examine the flies� �visual and chemical parts� of mating. And if you think that this study will lead to better pest control, think again. According to Gary Blomquist, the scientist heading this project, �[W]e�re looking at basic science here. I wouldn�t even put a number on the years we need to study this. We�re not even looking at control.� This grant is only one of a series that taxpayers have funded through the NSF since 1980 � all for the same purpose. Basic science, or perverted prurience supported at the taxpayers� expense? �Just a Little Off The Top� �Shave and a haircut � two bits!� Just sing that catchy little ditty about 7.2 million times, and you�ll arrive at the cost to taxpayers of the Senate�s barbershop over a five-year period: $1.8 million. While the House of Representatives privatized their barbershop years earlier, the Senate continues to maintain its government-run Barber and Beauty Salon. The annual payroll may have something to do with the extraordinary costs: seven barbers, five hair stylists, two manicurists, two receptionists, and a shoeshine attendant. Their salaries ought to be enough to make any taxpayer�s hair stand on end � one barber�s salary alone was $62,000 per year, while a receptionist pulled down $47,000. Even the shoeshine attendant made $27,000. And a generous pension plan ensures that these coiffeurs will be living in style long after their scissors stop snipping. The taxpayer gets clipped so that our Senators can look good. Outdoor Pay Toilet Leave it to the government to find a way to �flush taxpayer money down the toilet� � literally. Hikers and other outdoor recreationalists visiting Pennsylvania�s Delaware Water Gap National Recreation Area can enjoy what is probably the most lavish outdoor bathroom facility in the country. The outside of the structure is adorned with a gabled slate roof, covered porches, a $78-per-gallon paint job on its walls, and a stone foundation sporting 29-inch thick walls capable of withstanding earthquakes. Inside, travelers seeking relief will find not one, but two high-technology composting toilets ready to serve them. But relief is only temporary, since the outhouse has no running water and is kept open only during non-winter months. With the savings from not having it open year �round, Park Service officials and contractors estimate the cost as being �only� between $333,000 and $445,000. This two-holer may be free to users, but not for taxpayers. How High Can Taxes Go? If you said �sky-high,� think beyond. Space may have been the �Final Frontier� for Captain Kirk and the crew of the starship Enterprise, but not for one �enterprising� earth-bound tax collection agency. Early in 2001, while examining the property records of Hughes Electronics (a local firm), officials of the Los Angeles County�s Assessor looked up as well � way up, to the 8 satellites owned by the firm that are in orbit around the earth�s equator. The Assessor argues that the communications satellites, worth up to $100 million each, are no different from the �moveable property� already subject to county taxation, such as construction equipment or boats. Hughes counters that the spacecraft were launched from Florida or French Guyana in the first place, and are kept in a fixed, geo-synchronous position nowhere near (or even above) California for their entire 10-15 year lifespans. No wonder a Hughes official �wondered� aloud whether the firm should relocate to �a more business-friendly environment.� California�s State Board of Equalization recently voted to �fast track� a rule that would keep LA County�s spaced-out tax proposal from getting off the ground. But the Assessor�s office is considering taking the Board to court � with tax-funded attorneys � in order to slap these satellites with property tax bills. AmeriCorps to the Rescue �The War on Terrorism� is fast becoming an excuse to expand government bureaucracies and obtain fat federal subsidies. Now there�s a move afoot to expand the �national service� program established during Bill Clinton�s presidency from 50,000 to over 250,000, in an effort to help combat terrorism as part of Homeland Defense. But to date, AmeriCorps has been less than successful. Critics have charged that it wouldn�t even pass a laugh test. In Mississippi, AmeriCorps members have been used to go door-to-door to sign up people for food stamps. In New Jersey, they recruited middle-class families to accept subsidized federal health insurance for their children. In Denver, Colorado, they handed out leaflets attacking a city councilman. In California, they staged a puppet show to warn 4-year-olds about the dangers of earthquakes. They were also discovered foisting unreliable �ultra-low-flush� toilets on poor people there as well. And providing deaf homosexuals in San Francisco with AIDS education because, nearly two decades after the outbreak of AIDS, they feared that deaf homosexuals were ignorant of how the disease is spread. So much for their resourcefulness. As far as stick-to-it-iveness is concerned, almost half of AmeriCorps members (whose cost to taxpayers is an annual $26,654 each) quit before completing their agreed term of service. And to top it all off, the General Accounting Office has criticized AmeriCorp for failing to make any attempt to measure the program�s actual impact. AmeriCorps presently costs taxpayers $504 million per year, which doesn�t include additional costs incurred from AmeriCorps members enrolling people into federal programs who don�t need them. Do taxpayers really want to pay even more for this organization to �defend� America from terrorists? Not a Joking Matter �Gentleman to lady while pouring her a drink: �Say when.� Lady: �Right after this drink.�� Whether you found this joke to be funny or not, you probably won�t be laughing once you find out how much it cost you. According to an investigation by the Dallas Morning News, the taxpayer-funded National Science Foundation (NSF) underwrote an ongoing study of humor, to the tune of $227,000. Part of the research included telling off-color jokes like the one above to test subjects, �to understand the cognitive processes that underlie personal communication.� If that joke doesn�t put a grin on your face, you might have been a candidate for a separate $220,000 grant to a Boston Professor to study why women smile more than men. If you laughed but prefer not to admit it, here�s a study for you: $172,000 to Cornell University on how people feel remorse. But if you laughed and don�t care who knows it, maybe a $283,000 University of Georgia study on differences in self-esteem is up your alley. Before you get stressed-out over all this waste, please consider the $50,000 grant the state of Ohio paid to Humor Consultants, Inc. founder Phil Sorentino to perform schtick designed to help state workers alleviate stress and inspire them to carry out their public duties more effectively. His act consists of yanking the Velcroed arms and legs off a stuffed teddy he calls �dismem-bear� as a means of relieving stress. These behavioral studies may be of more interest to the profitable psychological profession or private institutions. But the real joke � and the bills � are on us taxpayers.