Corner Corner Dear old golfer,
None of the guys in my regular threesome are Irish, does that mean we can't take Mulligans? - Chunker
Dear Chunker,
The one great thing about golf is that the terminology spans every race, religion and nationality. Even if it was called a Schwartz, Luigi or Patel, the "do over" is a gift from the golf gods and is meant to be taken by anyone regardless of nationality.
Dear Old Golfer,
How do I get my partner to properly follow the rules of etiquette and help me find my ball? I play with this group and being the 'novice' I'm paired with this guy that shoots in the low-to-mid 80s. After crushing his ball down the fairway, he always goes straight to his ball, while I have to end up rediscovering the four corners of the planet all by myself. I was under the impression that a golfer is supposed to help find his partner's ball! How do I politely remind him of this? - Magellan
Dear Magellan,
What's etiquette? While your playing partner may be thoughtless by not assisting you in locating your sprayed shots, in my world, it's every man for himself. That being said, I would approach the situation in one of two ways. The first would be to jump into the driver's seat of the cart and make a b-line for where I thought my ball landed, thereby, forcing him to help locate it. The second, more subtle manner, would be to simply ask him, "Hey, asshole, wanna stop admiring your shot and give me a hand?" I find the latter to be the most effective way to get your point across.
Dear Old Golfer,
I want a nickname like the pros. How do guys like "Tiger" and "Duffy" get these really cool names? Is there some sort of clearing house you can order 'em? Help. - Nicknameless
Dear Nameless,
As most of us know, "Tiger" Woods got his nickname from his father. "Duffy," I'm not too sure about. The way a nickname is usually coined is that someone else gives it to you based upon some thing that defines you. For example, I go by the name "OldGolfer" for obvious reasons. I have, however, been called other nicknames as well. Names like "Chunker," "Divot-boy," "Slicer," and "You-really-suck-get-the-hell-off-the-course-before-you-kill-someone." Those just never stuck.Dear Old Golfer,
I have too many problems in my game to even begin to ask a technique question, so I'll go with etiquette. In the summer, when the trees are green and full, it's easy enough to duck off of the fairway to take a leak behind a tree or a big rock. But what about in the Spring, or late Fall when the leaves are gone and thus, you end up wagging the dog in public, so to speak. Might there be some way to more efficiently relieve one's bladder when cover is scarce? - Seeking Relief
Dear Seeking,
The answer to your dilemma is a simple one: you are playing golf with other men. Anything goes. Unless you have a problem with your equipment not being up to par, most guys have no problem with taking care of business anywhere on the course. This includes, if there are no rangers in site, going for the green. Not only does it give you the needed relief but it also aids in getting the read of the green by following the stream.Dear old golfer,
I have this guy I sometimes golf with that cheats. He will be doing badly on a hole and he will take 4 shots to get on the green and then 3 putt and by an act of God will get a 4. What should I do? - Confused
Dear Confused,
One way to approach this situation would be to quietly keep track of his strokes and when he finally finishes up a hole say to him, "What did you get there, an eight?" That would be the subtle way to confront his cheating. However, I prefer a more direct and obnoxious manner in which to deal with him. After each shot attempt he makes, count it, OUT LOUD. For example, when he reaches the green after six strokes, yell, "That's six!" Continue that for each stroke and one of two things will result. Either he will never cheat in your presence again or you will never walk the same after he rams a six iron up your ass.Dear Old Golfer,
One of my playing partners has a problem. When he uses his driver he always overswings and farts in his backswing. Although the green cloud doesn't seem to cause him a problem, it sure causes his partners to lose sight of the ball. We spend a lot of time hunting for lost balls. What should we do? - "Blind Tom" Southern
Dear "Blind Tom",
The way I see it, you have two options. One, if this guy actually produces a green cloud when he lets one loose, stop playing with him! We all laugh like four-year-olds at a well timed air biscuit but when the noxious fumes are visible, it's time to send your friend to a doctor. The other option, and I highly recommend this one, DO NOT stand behind him when he tees off. Walk down the fairway before it's his turn at the tee and tell him it is so you can spot his ball. This serves two purposes, it speeds the game along by being able to locate his ball quicker and it prevents his farts from taking the color out of your clothes.Dear old Golfer
Can you tell me if the ball manufacturers are putting something in their golf balls that home in on water hazards? I think this is happening so they can increase their sales. Your investigation into this strange phenomenon I believe is warranted. - The Diviner
Dear Diviner,
Your theory on this matter does, indeed, deserve further investigation. I have also found that a brand new ball will find an unnegotiable hazard such as water or thick vegetation much easier than a cheap, scuffed up ball. I feel this phenomenon is due in part to the "second ball theory." This theory hold that, when it is necessary to hit over a water hazard and you are thinking of using an old ball as opposed to a new one and you opt for the new one, it will, undoubtedly, go for a swim. I've contacted Oliver Stone...look for the movie this spring.Dear Old Golfer,
Is it really necessary to fix ball marks on the green? To me, it's like a battle scar. I don't hit too many greens with the authority enough to displace mother earth in the first place and now they want me to fix it with some tool I have to pay seven bucks for at the pro-shop? What gives? - FIX THIS
Dear Fix This,
The fixing of ball marks on the greens, replacing divots and raking sand traps are all a part of this thing called course etiquette. I've heard the term before but, until recently, had no idea what it refered to. In golf, it's every man for himself so repairing blemishes is not your responsibility unless it interferes with your ball. Plus the fact, that's why they pay those greens keepers the big bucks.
Dear Old Golfer,
I am new to the game, and I can truly say that I am in love with it. Although I go to the range often, and consider myself an avid golfer, there are many a time when I mishit the ball badly. I was wondering, what should my course of action be when I hit my ball onto another green? Should I retreive it? Keep walking like my ball landed where it was supposed to? Hacker,what is my course of action? - Canucks Love their Golf
Dear Canucks,
As with any shot that doesn't produce the desired results the proper course of action is to act like it never happened. Drop another ball and give it another try. You can always go back and get the first shot any time.Dear Old Golfer,
I play in the low 90's. I play my woods and 2 through 6 irons with left handed clubs. The 7, 8, 9, wedges and putter I play with right handed clubs. Left handed, I have awesome distance. Right handed, I have very good accuracy for my short game. My friends tell me I could never enter a serious tournament because you are not allowed to play both ways. Is this true? - It works well for me
Dear It Works,
Consider yourself very lucky to possess something ex Philadelphia 76er basketball player, Charles Shackelford, when asked how he could dribble to the left and right so well, described as being easy because he was "amphibious." More power to you if you play from both sides, if that's what you're into. Not that there's anything wrong with that. As far as tournament play from both sides, I haven't a clue. I can barely hit the ball from the one side I play from so, unless the tournament is determine who loses the most balls, I don't bother.Dear Old Golfer,
It is said that the ill-tempered, club-throwing Tommy Bolt would try to break a competitor's concentration on the putting surface by a well timed release of bean methane generated from the morning's chili omelet breakfast. I've tried every form of early morning cuisine I know of to simulate the effect, including sauerkraut, but to no avail. Any recommendations? - JaxJoe
Dear JaxJoe,
Absolutely nothing in this world beats a well-timed air biscuit to ruin someone's concentration. However, conjuring one up from the depths of your bowels without the proper fuel can pose a problem. My suggestion would be to stop by any convenience store before your round and wolf down a few breakfast burritos and a large cup of coffee with lots of cream. In no time, the severity of the cheek you'll be busting would make even Beavis and Butthead sick. One drawback to this plan, however, be very careful of the accidental squirt.Dear Old Golfer,
Say the guy I'm playing with drops his cigarette butt on the green directly in the path of my shot en route to the hole and it hits it. Do I get an automatic gimme or must I shoot from wherever it stops ? Also, can I beat the crap out of him without getting a penalty ? - Ninehndycap
Dear Ninehndycap,
The last thing any golfer wants are his balls hitting another guy's butt. In your specific example, the butt in question would be considered an outside agency interfering with the path of your putt. The ruling would depend upon whether you are in match or stroke play. However, since rules mean absolutely nothing to me, I would consider the putt holed and while walking past him, "accidentally" have my putter interfere with his balls. I'm not talking about his Titleist, if you know what I mean.