Wow. It's been about four years since I first saw the Mask of Zorro and thought it would be cool to make a Halloween story about that. That became the first chapter of what I thought would be a continuing series of Thorn meisters Michael and Wynn being put in various pop cultural stories. Whether it be from movies you wouldn't expect to find them (Zorro) or books or in this new case: Comic books and cartoons. That's right, the next world they enter into is that of THE TICK! One of the funniest comic books I have ever read, it also had a very funny cartoon spinoff that used to come on Fox and then Comedy Central I belive. So, some of you, I hope, may be familiar with these characters. If not, well, just try to follow along. I'm sure you may find a laugh or two in there for you. If you are a fan of the Tick, I really hope you enjoy this and I hope that I brought along some of that Tick humor with me to the story. If I failed in this, I'm sorry, but that is some humor that is hard to capture correctly. But at least I tried. And now, I present to you, after years of waiting (all two of you that waited) THE POP CULTURAL ADVENTURES OF THORN: EPISODE II!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE TICK'S BIG HADDONFIELD HALLOWEEN ADVENTURE We find our hero's The Tick and his sidekick Arthur riding along in their station wagon. In the car, Arthur drives and The Tick has a huge map unfolded, trying to read it. The Tick is a four hundred pound (nothing but muscle) man in a blue suit, the mask showing nothing but his mouth and two antanae on top of his head. Arthur is in a white moth suit that also shows nothing but his mouth. Two "Feelers" are on top of his head, but he gets mistaken for a bunny quite a bit. TICK: Turn left on I-39. ARTHUR: Tick, we passed I-39 two hours ago. The Tick cocks and eyebrow and really *looks* at the map for the first time. TICK: Whoopsie daisy! He turns the map around. He was holding it upside down. ARTHUR: Oh, no! Tick! TICK: Now, now, Arthur. No need to lose our cool. ARTHUR: We've been on the road for two days! TICK: Where's your sense of adventure, chum? ARTHUR: It went away when you insisted on visiting the World's Largest Hairball yesterday. TICK: Oooh! Can't wait to get the film developed on that! Arthur just rolls his eyes. ARTHUR: Tonight's Halloween, Tick. Do you realize that? There's no way we're gonna make it to Mom's Halloween party on time. I say we take the next exit, find a hotel to crash in tonight and head home tomorrow. TICK: Cheer up, Arthur! There's always next year! Arthur takes an exit marked "HADDONFIELD" ************************************************************************ We find ourselves in Smith's Grove! Dr. Terrence Wynn walks down the halls, looking in each door he comes across. WYNN: Michael?! Micheal?! Yo, Mike, were'd you get off too?! Wynn comes in one room to find a THORN CULTIST sitting at a desk, his feet kicked up on the desktop reading a Spider-Man comic book. WYNN: Fool! The cultist drops his comic book and jumps to attention. WYNN: What am I paying you for?! CULTIST: Um... you're not paying us, sir. Thorn is a totally voluntary orginization... WYNN: Silence! It was a retorical question, you moron. Now! Have you seen big Mike? I can't find him anywhere. CULTIST: Sure, we let the big guy take Thornby out for a walk. WYNN: You let Michael walk our Dog?! CULTIST: Yeah, it's been quite a few years since you let him go on a murderous rampage and he's been cooped up in the dank basement the whole time. We figure'd it'd be good for him. WYNN: IMBECILE!!!!! Michael also hasn't KILLED anything in that whole time. His bloodthirst must be insatiable! I mean, geez, I've had that dog since I was 50! *********************************************************************** Wynn and the Cultist rush out to the front yard and find the dog hanging from a rope from the top of a tree, it's insides on the outside. Michael stands motionless by the tree holding a bloody knife. WYNN: Michael! Michael stares and says nothing. WYNN: C'mon, get inside. Rest up. Tonight is a big night, Michael. Tonight, you shall finally be unleashed on Haddonfield once again! Tonight you will bring down a reign of terror and blood and Thorn, the ultimate evil, SHALL TRIUMPH ONCE AGAIN!!! AND NOTHING SHALL STAND IN OUR WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CULTIST: What about that crazy guy in the trenchcoat. He always stands in the way. WYNN: SHUT UP! **************************************************************************** We come back to Tick and Arthur as their car passes a roadsign that reads "HADDONFIELD 15". ARTHUR: You know, I think I've heard of this place before. TICK: Have you now? ARTHUR: Yeah! Michael Myers, the Halloween killer, has struck here many times, leaving a lot of people dead. I think I'm gonna turn around now. TICK: Nonsense, buddy! What have we to fear, we're Superheros! It's our job to extinguish the bitter flame of evil whereever it may flicker! Besides, that old fellow in the trenchcoat on the side of the road kicking his car looks as though he could use a lift. Arthur pulls up and rolls down his window to find himself talking to DR. SAM LOOMIS. ARTHUR: Um... excuse me? Need a lift? DR. LOOMIS: Are you going to Haddonfield? ARTHUR: We were thinking about it, but I think we changed our... TICK: Indeed we are, old stranger! Hop in! Dr. Loomis gets in the back seat of Arthur's station wagon. He looks bitterly out the window to his own station wagon. TICK: What seems to be the rush? DR. LOOMIS: We have to stop him! He's PURE EVIL!! I shot him SIX TIMES! SIX TIMES IN THE HEART!!!! I have looked into the eyes of evil and it is Michael Myers! You must help me stop him. He's EVIL, I tell you! He... TICK: Will do! DR. LOOMIS: ....'s more evil than.... huh? Will do, you say? TICK: We're superhero's. We fight evil everyday, and it would be keen to fight the biggest of all evil's! DR. LOOMIS (calmer): Oh. Well then, I can stop this kooky act for now. ARTHUR: All that panic? That was an act? DR. LOOMIS: Yeah, it's usually what I have to do to get people to listen to me. ARTHUR: And it works? DR. LOOMIS: Oh, yes. Screaming like a lunatic about ultimate evil coming to your town to kill everbody on the scariest holiday of the year usualy grabs people's attention. Either that, or they think I'm nuts. TICK: I feel your pain, Mr....? DR. LOOMIS: Doctor. Dr. Sam Loomis. Michael Myers was my patient, then he escaped from the loony bin and tracked down his sister, but she escaped... pardon me, I'm getting ahead of myself. I didn't let you introduce yourselves. How rude of me. TICK: I am.... The Tick! ARTHUR: And I'm Arthur. TICK: My faithful sidekick. DR. LOOMIS: I didn't know tick's were blue. Why the blue suit? TICK: No suit, my friend. I am simply.... The Tick. DR. LOOMIS: Er... okay. And I suppose you're a bunny rabbit. ARTHUR: No, a moth. DR. LOOMIS: I see.... So, um, what are you're superpowers? TICK: For starters, I am nigh-invulneruble. ARTHUR: I can fly. DR. LOOMIS: I must say, you guys are my best allies yet. TICK: We do what we can. ******************************************************************** Back at SMITH'S GROVE aka THORN HEADQUARTERS, Michael sits on a stool with a bloodied towel around his neck, much like a BOXER. Wynn stands behind him, cheering him on. WYNN: All right, big guy, tonight's target is Lilly Sanders, the daughter of Bernice Sanders, whom Laurie Strode used to babysit for back in the day. She's a babysitter and is sure to be an innocent whose blood Thorn will take as if from a Strode itself! Michael just sits and stares. WYNN: Well, it's the best I can do anyways. There's pretty much no more blood relatives for you to take out in Haddonfield, Lilly is the closest we could find with some sort of bond with Laurie. Michael looks up at Wynn. WYNN: No, I will not cut you! Your eye is not closed! You haven't really been in a boxing match, we just set you up like this to set a cool mood! Michael looks back away, saying nothing. WYNN: It's time, Michael. I shall keep watch over you tonight as you enact your train of herror! Er, reign of terror! ********************************************************************* The Station Wagon pulls into Haddonfield. ARTHUR: Where do we go? DR. LOOMIS: Follow the bodies.... ARTHUR: There are no bodies. DR. LOOMIS: Oh. Well, we ride around a bit, looking. Sooner or later, someone will come running and screaming from their house and that shall be it. At that point, they pass a house that a young teenaged girl comes RUNNING AND SCREAMING from. DR. LOOMIS: Looks like it's sooner this time. TICK: Have no fear, fair maiden! The Tick comes to rescue you! SPOON!!!!! The Tick leaps through the roof of the car and bounds towards the house. ARTHUR: Oh, Tick, we just got that fixed. The Tick busts through the door and finds nothing there. TICK: What the devils? The Girl comes back in, followed by Arthur and Dr. Loomis. TICK: Where is the evildoer that is Michael Myers, young lady? GIRL: Is it gone??!!! Is it gone??!!! ARTHUR: What's wrong, ma'am. GIRL: I... I was watching the TV... and Pearl Harbor came on... and ... oh God, it was horrible... Josh Hartnett was in it.. and ... the humanity... HIS HAIR WAS BRUSHED!!! His beautiful unkempt mane, RUINED!!! CURSE YOU MICHAEL BAY AND JERRY BRUCKHEIMER!!!! CURSE YOUR SOULS TO JOE CHAPPELE'S VERY OWN SPECIAL HELL!!!!! (also known as the My Worst Nightmare Series - editor) ARTHUR: Actually, I think it makes him look more presentable.... GIRL: OUT!!! Out of my house, you loony, well combed Hartnett hair lover!! OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The trio are quickly swept out of the house. TICK: Glad to be of service! The girl slams her door. TICK: Such rude manners! DR. LOOMIS: Quick! We must find Michael Myers before it is too late!!!! He's EVIL!! ARTHUR: Um, Doctor, you've convinced us, remember? DR. LOOMIS: Oh, yes, I know. But one must remain in practice for future Halloweens when one may run into one who is not so suseptable to the truth. The Tick is ignoring them, looking about the neighboorhood. What he sees makes his eyes dance with joy. The Man In Black hiding behind a tree, looking at a house in the other direction, rubbing his hands in anticipation. TICK (in quite awe): Zorro! DR. LOOMIS: Excuse me? TICK: Quick, Arthur! Provide me with a pen and paper! Arthur seems to pull one out from nowhere. ARTHUR: Uh, what's this about, Tick? The Tick yanks the pen and paper away from Arthur and makes his way across the street and greets the Man In Black. TICK: Greeting, crafty Fox! Could I please have your autograph? MIB: What the bloody hell are you talking about? TICK: Hmmm. I thought you were a Mexican. Your voice sounds like an old white dude. MIB: ??????? TICK: Are you not Zorro, the great Mexican crime fighter? MIB: CURSES!!!! I AM NOT ZORRO YOU TWIT!!!! (sighs, to himself) How many times must I go through this? GET AWAY FROM ME, BLUE MAN! TICK: I am no man, psuedo Zorro, I am The Tick! Loomis rushes up. DR. LOOMIS: TICK!!! That man controls Michael Myers!! He is the evil MAN IN BLACK!!! TICK: Ooooh, even better! I've always wanted to meet Johnny Cash! DR. LOOMIS: Wrong Man In Black! TICK (confused): Er, Tommy Lee Jones? DR. LOOMIS: NO! TICK: Aha! Will Smith!!! DR. LOOMIS: Quickly, you must go to the house he was watching. Michael Myers is sure to be there terrorizing a young girl!!! TICK: Why didn't you say so!! The Tick rushes that way. DR. LOOMIS: So, Man In Black, we meet again. MIB: Not this time, Loomis!!! He throws down a pellet and smoke engulfs the area. Loomis coughs and the smoke dissipates. The MIB is GONE! DR. LOOMIS: Drat it all!!!! He rushes off. Where he to look up, he would have seen a straining MIB holding on to a low hanging tree branch from the tree he was under. MIB: Curse the Tailor of Thorn! He assured me my new costume looked nothing like the accursed Zorro! **************************************************************************** Inside the house the Tick finds LILLY SANDERS running down the stairs from MICHAEL MYERS! The Tick rushes, picks up Lilly and rushes her out of the house. TICK: No fear, young maiden. Your damsel in distress days are over, for it is I, The Tick, coming to your rescue. As he rushes out the door, her head hits the door frame with a big THWOMP! effectivly knocking her unconsious. He exits the house. TICK: No need to thank me, I am merely performing my sworn duty to uphold Justice! He looks down at the girl. TICK: Hmmmm. Weird time to take a nap. Well, you deserve your rest, fair one. Now I must go back and do battle with my destiny!!! SPOON!!!!!!!! He lays the girl down on the ground and rushes back inside. Arthur and Dr. Loomis have seen the whole thing and rush up to the knocked out girl. Dr. Loomis examines her. DR. LOOMIS: It could be a concussion. I heard the thwack across the street. ARTHUR: Is there a hospital here, I'll rush her to it. DR. LOOMIS: Yes, but you might have to look hard for a doctor, it is criminaly understaffed in the later hours of night. Arthur picks up the girl, takes her to his station wagon and drives off to the hospital. *************************************************************************** Inside the house, The Tick faces off against Michael Myers. TICK: So, you are the one who is Evil Incarnate. It will be my pleasure to deoderize the good and just world of the stench of evil that is YOU! Michael calmly walks up to the Tick and STABS HIM IN THE CHEST. The Tick looks down curiously as Michael's knife BENDS on his tough body. The Tick THUMPS Michael as though you would a paper football and Mike FLIES through the air, crashes through a wall and lands with a THUD. TICK: That was disappointingly easy. Michael slowly gets back up and tilts his head at the Tick. The Tick looks on in awe. TICK (in awe): He, too, is nigh-invunerable! The Tick smiles. TICK: Keen! Michael stalks towards the Tick. ************************************************************************************** Outside, Loomis watches as the Sanders' house SHAKES in it's foundations as a SUPER BATTLE of IMMENSE PROPORTIONS plays out within. He is truely awed by the sight. Meanwhile, the Man In Black (Wynn, duh!) sneaks around back and goes through the backdoor. He makes his way to the living room to behold the sight of.... The Tick holding Michael in a headlock giving him a NOOGIE. TICK: Say Uncle! Who's Michael's uncle? Who's Michael's Uncle? Say the Tick is Michael's Uncle and I'll let you go!!! MIB: MICHAEL! Both Tick and Mike look up at Wynn. TICK: Zorro returns. MIB: SHUT UP!!!! I AM NOT FREAKING ZORRO, YOU BIG BLUE TWERP!!! TICK: No need to resort to name calling. MIB: Enough of this! He throughs down another smoke pellet. When the smoke clears, Mike and the MIB are gone. TICK: Well played, Michael Myers and Zorro-wannabe, well played. *************************************************************************** Wynn leads a dejected Michael down a back alley. WYNN: I know, I know. It was a wasted night for both you and the glory of Thorn. Sigh. Michael hangs his head down. Not a drop of blood spilt. WYNN: Well, buck up, big guy. There's always next year. Mike's head pops up as if that was a possibility he hadn't considered. A spring comes to his step as Mike and Wynn make their way back to Thorn HQ. The Halloween Theme plays. ************************************************************************** Outside the Sander's house, Arthur drives up as The Tick walks out and joins him and Loomis. ARTHUR: How did it go? DR. LOOMIS: It could have been better. I didn't even get to fire my gun once or twice, much less six times in his heart. The Tick ran him off though. ARTHUR: Yeah, the Tick's good at that. DR. LOOMIS: How is the girl? ARTHUR: They expect her to wake up in a couple of hours. DR. LOOMIS: That's good, at least. ARTHUR: Yeah. DR. LOOMIS: Well, nice to have made your aquaintence. Hope to see you again. He shakes both their hands in turn. Then he turns and leaves. TICK: Well, Arthur, Evil has once again been shown the door and the foot of justice has kicked it out! But we must always be wary for it in the future, for there is no telling when it may rear it's ugly William Shatner look a like face again! ARTHUR: Yeah. Let's go home. TICK: Indeed, chum! On the way, let us stop at an IHOP. I grow hungry for pancakes! With that, they jump in the car and drive off. THE END Next episode in 2006! (And you thought the Star Wars wait was bad!!!)