Spry: Good morrow to you all, my dear people! When you were last with us, the chaos was being turned into calm, and we all decided we would go to bed. Well, for most of us that was ruined when Elrond found out what it was that Arwen and Figwit were doing. Then things got ugly.
Erestor: Actually, I think it all turned out quite well.
Spry: For you, yes. Besides, you just earned brownie points with Elrond for uncovering his daughter�s dreadful actions.
Erestor: Dreadful? Maybe for Elrond, to see his youngest doing such things. She is just foolish, and Figwit is a lustful little bugger.
Spry: So I�ve noticed. Well, I think I shall go see what my little friends are up to. I�ll talk to you later.
Erestor: Alright.
(Spry magically �poofs� away and Erestor is left by himself. It is now that we notice two other Elves enter the room.)
Galdor: Hello Erestor!
Erestor: Galdor, Glorfindel, it�s very nice to see you.
Glorfindel: You seem to be enjoying yourself, Erestor, now that you�ve let out Arwen and Figwit�s little secret and landed both of them in hot water.
Erestor: Enjoying myself? That does not seem fit to describe how much fun I am having with all of this.
Galdor: Well, I was on my way to bed last night and what do I hear but Lord Elrond screaming?
Glorfindel: I�ll be surprised if the next time I see Figwit, if I ever see him again, he still has a head!
Erestor: Oh good heavens, Glorfindel. You know if Elrond intends on chopping off anything of Figwit�s it won�t be his head.
Galdor: I don�t even want to think about that right now. Though, I must say, that if Elrond were to do that thing which you are referring to, I do not think we would have Figwit anymore.
Glorfindel: I swear that all lust and pervertedness has embodied itself as Figwit. Without�..that�..Figwit will cease to exist!
Erestor: And this would be a bad thing�..how?
(Just then we note that another Elf enters the room.)
Lindir: Well hello, Glorfindel, Galdor, Erestor. What are you three up to?
Galdor: We were just discussing Figwit�s demise at the hands of Lord Elrond for his and Arwen�s little tryst last night.
Lindir: Well, when last I heard, Lord Elrond had locked Arwen away in her room! I haven�t the faintest idea of what has happened to Figwit, though.
Glorfindel: As much as I would enjoy standing here trying to picture the thousands of beautiful ways of killing Figwit in my head, I have duties I must attend to.
Erestor: As do I. I shall see you all later.
(Our merry little band of Elves goes their separate ways and we are left to stare at an empty room. Then, suddenly with a flash, our dear magical friend shows up.)
Spry: What are all you doing? Are you just going to stand here all day or would you like to view the rude early-morning awakenings that I am going to take part in? Well, come along then!
(With another flash of bright light and a few seconds we find ourselves in a bedroom. Up against one wall is a bed. In that bed is a brown haired figure, tangled completely in the bed sheets. We recognize this figure to be Stevie. Spry walks over to the bed and leans down next to the figure.)
Spry: (yelling really loudly) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE FLYING MONKEYS! THEY�RE EVERYWHERE! HELP US SAVE US! WE�RE ALL GOING TO DIE! AHHHHHH!
Stevie: (startled and very not awake, tries to get up, but is bound to the bed by the sheets) No! Not the flying monkeys! I will save you�..or something�..when I wake up�..
Spry: Wake up time is now! (grabs the sheet and rips it off) It�s a beautiful day! The sun is shining�
Stevie: (cuts her off) I don�t care! (gets up) Never do that again!
Spry: Whatever. Here. (magically de-wrinkles the clothes that she is wearing, the ones from the night before) You�re dressed. Let�s go wake up Harper.
Stevie: In a manner similar to the one you woke me up in?
Spry: Of course!
Stevie: Oh goodie.
(They both run out of the room and down the hall to the next room. They sneak in quietly and Stevie creeps over to the bed. He leans over toward Harper and shakes her gently.)
Stevie: Harper? Harper, wake up.
Harper: �..wha�..?
Spry: (from near the door) Harper, there�s been a bit of an accident.
Harper: �..what accident�..?
Stevie: Well, I sort of blew up your drum set and melted your entire CD collection�..
Harper: (leaps out of bed with this furious expression on her face, slamming Stevie up against the nearest wall) You did WHAT?
Stevie: Nothing.
Spry: (laughing) Your drum set is fine and with your CD collection back home. That was an interesting response!
Harper: Don�t you ever do that again! You scared the crap out of me!
Stevie: Sorry.
Harper: Whatever. So, what�s on the agenda for today?
Spry: We were going to wake up Kit next, but it appears that the hobbits knew it was breakfast time and dragged her along for food. So that leaves Van.
Harper: Aighty. Let�s go!
(Spry de-wrinkles Harper�s clothing in the same manner she did Stevie�s. Harper takes the blue-tinted ski goggles she had atop her head and puts them on, while removing her bandana to tie it around her face like the bandits always go in those crappy western movies.)
Stevie: Oh geez, Harper. Do you remember what happened the last time you did that?
Harper: Of course. How can I forget having a hamster chucked at my head?
Spry: Van threw her hamster at your head? Is that how this�..Skippy�..of hers died?
Harper: No, I caught the hamster. You don�t need to really know how Skippy died.
Stevie: No one needs to know�..
Spry: All right. Shall we?
(The three leave towards Van�s room. They slip in quietly and Harper goes over to the bed. In one quick movement she grabs Van by the shoulders and sits her upright. Harper starts to yell and shake Van by the shoulders.)
Harper: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Van: (opens eyes and starts to scream) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(We see a large table. This table has food. This table has people. This table has breakfast! Along with breakfast we see the less noticeable and considerably less important members of the fellowship. When compared with a breakfast table, what importance do heroes have?)
Merry: I love breakfast! Breakfast is the best meal of the day.
Kit: So it�s your favorite out of�..how many different meals?
Pippin: Well, there�s breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner, and supper!
Merry: Yes, we hobbits love our food!
Kit: You guys eat seven times a day?
Sam: Of course we do!
Frodo: Yes.
Harper: (is playing catch across the table with Stevie, using an apple) That is insane! Where I come from there are people in third world countries that are lucky if they get to eat dirt, and you guys eat seven times a day. That is absurd! No wonder why you�re all so short and ridiculously fat and stupid and happy and crap.
Pippin: (looking upset) I�m not fat!
Merry: (laughing) No you�re an embarrassment to all Hobbit-kind.
Van: Is he anorexic?
Stevie: No. He probably just has a fast metabolism or something like that.
Van: Oh. (is playing with her spoon. Her *shiny* spoon) I love spoons they are so nice and pretty. (turns to Legolas) Don�t you think spoons are pretty too, Leggy?
Legolas: (grimacing at the use of that nickname) They�re�..wonderful.
Van: (looking at Stevie and Harper) See! Leggy agrees with me! He didn�t make fun of me like you do.
Stevie: It�s called flirting, Van. He�s F-L-I-R-T-I-N-G with you!
Harper: Besides, he doesn�t want to insult you with the fact that you are a ridiculously dumb blonde. I could care less if you are insulted. Legolas, feel free to mock our mentally challenged friend here any time you wish. She won�t get it anyway.
Legolas: Well, I would never want to�
Stevie: Harper, you were right. None of these Middle-earth pansies want to insult us. Save for possibly Boromir.
Boromir: Thank you.
Harper: I�m almost always right on things like this and Boromir only enjoys harassing me. Oh, and Van, while we�re at it, Legolas is not your pet hamster.
Van: Yes he is.
Legolas: (agreeing with Harper) I�d rather not be anyone�s pet.
Van: (looking at him with spoon in hand, sounding determined) You are my hamster.
Legolas: (looking somewhere between being afraid and being greatly disturbed) Yes, Ma�am.
Kit: You know, that is actually depressing. Legolas, he only has a spoon. Van couldn�t hurt anyone, let alone hurt them with a spoon. Now if it was Harper with a spoon, then you should be afraid.
Boromir: (scoffs) What could she possibly do?
Harper: I could gouge out your eyes with that spoon.
Boromir: Why would you use a spoon?
Harper: Because it would hurt more than if I just used a regular object. Though, personally, I prefer sporks.
Boromir: Sporks? I don�t even want to know.
Harper: Of course you don�t. Sometimes it�s better if you just don�t ask because either you�ll be too stupid to understand, or it�ll be too weird and you�ll wish you didn�t know.
Boromir: Are you implying that I am unintelligent?
Kit: (rolls eyes) Here we go again.
Harper: I want implying nothing. If I wanted to tell you that you had the intelligence level of a rock, I would just say it.
Gimli: Lady Harper, would you really be as cruel as to insult a rock that way?
Stevie: Score one for the dwarf.
Boromir: (looking flustered) Well, I could expect all of this foolishness from these wenches, but not in all my years from you, Master Dwarf.
Gimli: I like being unpredictable, what can I say?
Legolas: (rolls eyes) Dwarves�..
Harper: Well, Gimli, I could always tell Boromir he has the intelligence of a cocky Elf, but he�d probably think it a compliment.
Legolas: A cocky Elf? I�m insulted!
Stevie: You should be. The whole Elf-Dwarf rivalry thing is a pain in my arse. Whatever it was is something that neither of you probably even fully know about. I don�t really care to hear another word of it.
Aragorn: Well said, Lady Stevie.
Kit: Okay, it�s official. All Middle-earth dudes are officially flirts. All of them. It�s disgusting.
Harper: I concur.
Aragorn: (blushing slightly) Harper, you agree that *all* of us are flirts?
Harper: If you�re referring to the Lord of All Arrogance and Self-Righteousness over there (points to Boromir) I think he�s a flirt too. He�s just a Stage-One-Flirter.
Boromir: I am not�
Aragorn: (cuts him off) What exactly is a �Stage-One-Flirter�?
Harper: All males have stages of flirtation. Stage One is the stage when a young boy finally discovers girls and knows no other way to get their attention and to show them they like them than to harass them ceaselessly. Boromir is and forever will be, a Stage-One-Flirter. A Stage-Two-Flirter is the teenage male or older who has grown up past Stage One and decided that being absurdly nice to a female works better. You and Legolas are Stage-Two-Flirters.
(Aragorn and the others seem to think about this, and Boromir seems more than a little embarrassed. Suddenly, Erestor comes in.)
Erestor: Pardon me, but Lady Harper, I was walking by and I heard what you said about the levels of flirtation. I was curious to know what level would you give to someone such as�..oh, say�..Figwit, for instance?
Harper: Figwit is a Stage-Three-Flirter. Instead of harassment or politeness, a Stage Three resorts to flirting constantly in a disgustingly obvious manner, sometimes tending to be perverted and nauseatingly stupid.
Erestor: Thank you! Now we have a full-fledged flirtation scale!
(Erestor skips off merrily while the others continue to eat.)
Stevie: That was nearly disturbing. Kind of like this comic book I read once.
Van: I like cheesefries!
Kit: Whoopdy friggin� doo!
Harper: How many times do I have to tell you, Stevie, they�re not comic books. They�re *graphic novels*!
Stevie: Yes!
Stevie and Harper: (imitating manly voices) WITH PECS LIKE MELLONS AND KNEES OF FRINGE!
Van: (starts to cry) No! Not that! Those poor hamsters!
(Stevie, Harper and Kit smirk while everyone else save for Van looks passively confused.)
Boromir: Let me guess: We don�t want to know, right?
