Chapter Twenty Four: Bad Impressions Bring No Conviction
(We find ourselves back at Isengard which is now looking very destroyed and stuff. There are random Ents walking around. Here we find Merry, Pippin, Van, and Kit, along with the ever-so-important Shplurgsie. They�re just sitting around and talking.)
Pippin: You told Saruman that squirrels were going to destroy Rivendell?
Kit: Yep.
Merry: And he believed it?
Van: Yep.
Pippin: (looks shocked) Wow. I�m not even that stupid. That�s really quite sad.
Van: Yeah. So, you guys got any food?
Merry: Nope. We�ve been drinking this weird Ent draught stuff. It�s pretty good�..though�..
Kit: Makes you have to take a whiz every three seconds and your still hungry?
Pippin: Basically, yes. Not to mention that Merry and I have gotten taller.
Van: That�s a plus.
(They sit there for a few moments in complete silence, staring at one another. Finally, Shplurgsie speaks up.)
Shplurgsie: So. Anyone up for a game of Tic-Tac-Toe?
Van: No!
Merry: Why not?
Kit: Shplurgsie cheats.
Pippin: How can you cheat while playing Tic-Tac-Toe?
Shplurgsie: I told them that if they didn�t let me win I�d breathe on them.
(Back at Helm�s Deep, Stevie is waiting for Legolas and Gimli to tell her that Aragorn fell of a cliff. We all know he did. She just really wants to hear it.)
Legolas: Stevie, there is something I have to tell you.
Stevie: Where�s Aragorn?
Legolas: He�..he�s gone.
Stevie: (has an expression of heart-wrenching anguish) How?
Gimli: He was dragged over a cliff to his death.
(Stevie stand there for a moment, then starts laughing hysterically and falls over. Her laughing gets louder and harder until her eyes start to tear and she rolls around on the ground.)
Stevie: Haha! I freaking knew it! That bum! Hahahaha!
(Gimli and Legolas look at her strangely for several more moments until Stevie gets back up and wipes the tears from her eyes.)
Legolas: How could you laugh over such a thing?
Stevie: Oh, he�s not dead. He�ll be back. Give him a few hours!
(Stevie randomly decided to prance off somewhere, leaving Gimli and Legolas to stand there and exchange confused glances. Gimli scratches his head.)
Gimli: Strange girl, that Stevie is.
Legolas: No kidding.
Gimli: No wonder why Aragorn looks so confused all the time.
Legolas: Yes. I don�t get it.
Gimli: Either do I.
Legolas: (blinks a few times) Do you want to go see if we can go and help somewhere?
Gimli: (shrugs) I suppose.
Legolas: We could always just stand here and wait for Aragorn to show up. I�d like the opportunity to crack a bad joke.
Gimli: So would I, but I think they need us elsewhere.
Legolas: Well, I guess I it will just have to wait then.
Gimli: Yes.
Legolas: Right.
Gimli: Umm�..
(The two continue to stand there, now noticing that all the peasants are standing around staring at them strangely. Makes for an uncomfortable situation, I guess. The two look at each other and then run off away from the random crowd of people. Guess they couldn�t take the odd looks.)
(Over at the Gladden River, Harper and Boromir seem to be having another one of those disagreements of theirs. How can I tell? Well, Harper�s in a tree and Boromir appears to be trying very hard to get her to come down. Seems like an argument to me.)
Boromir: Hannah, please come down.
Harper: No. Go Away.
Boromir: I�m not leaving you here. Come on, please?
Harper: I said no!
Boromir: (sighs) What did I do wrong? Hannah?
Harper: (chucks an acorn at his head) What do you think you did?
Boromir: Ow! (rubs his head where the acorn hit) Love, if I knew I wouldn�t be asking.
Harper: (crosses her arms) Forget it. Just leave me alone.
Boromir: I will not. What could I have done to make you so angry with me?
Harper: (rolls her eyes) Oh, I don�t know, maybe you went and betrayed our trust?
(Boromir just stands there for a moment and Harper starts to climb down from the tree. She gets all the way down and starts to walk away from him when he grabs her arm to stop her. He turns her to face him.)
Boromir: You saw me going through your belongings, didn�t you?
Harper: First off, (pulls away from him) don�t touch me. Second, yes, yes I did.
(Boromir groans and covers his face with his hands. Harper starts to walk away again and he lowers his hands and looks at her.)
Boromir: I wasn�t trying to break our trust, Hannah. I just wanted�
Harper: (cuts him off) I know exactly what you wanted. You know I know what�s going on out there. You were watching me before when I was talking with Stevie using that stupid Elfy thing!
Boromir: You�re right, I saw! I�m sorry, but I was afraid that something was going to happen to you. When I saw you doing whatever it was you were doing�..I began to worry even more. I didn�t know it was Stevie you were talking to�..I thought it was one of Galadriel�s weird�..things that she does.
Harper: Well, you should have asked me about it.
Boromir: And you would have told me all of that?
Harper: (sighs) Not all�..a lot, but not all.
Boromir: It doesn�t matter anymore. What did you do with �the stupid Elfy thing�?
Harper: I put it back in my bag after you finished going through it. I wanted to destroy it but I thought it might be useful so I kept it.
Boromir: I don�t know what I am going to do with you. I don�t understand young women sometimes.
(Over at Isengard its Happy Nappy time for everyone. Well, �cept for Grandpa and Wormbutt who are making quite the ruckus for all to hear. Argument over whether or not Saruman has a big butt. Not a discussion I�d want to take part in. Anyway, all our little buddies are napping on the job, and I thought it was fascinating the sort of things they talk about in their sleep. Maybe they�re not fascinating. I don�t know. I�m just the parenthesis guy.)
Van: (sleeping) No Mr. Bunnykins�..don�t go�.. You�re gonna miss out on tea time!
Pippin: (drooling) Pipe weed�.. No! Out of�..pipe weed�..
Merry: Ale�..barrels of ale�..
Kit: No�..! No�.. ahhhhhhh! (wakes up and sits up) Eep!
Pippin: (jerks awake and sits up) Pipe weed? What? What happened?
Kit: (shakes head) I had this weird dream. I dreamed about a world where the Hokey Pokey really was what it�s all about!
Pippin: (just stares) I have no idea what you�re talking about. Sounds scary enough to me. (passes out and mumbles) G�night.
(Back at Helm�s Deep, Aragorn had finally decided to grace the doomed people of Rohan with his presence. He more or less looks like crap�..like he got dragged of the side of a cliff and then floated halfway down a river, which, coincidentally, he did. He found himself being hugged by an ecstatic Gimli, and face-to-face with Legolas.)
Legolas: You�re late.
Aragorn: No, really?
Legolas: You look terrible.
Stevie: (from out of nowhere) That�s because he didn�t listen to me.
Aragorn: I didn�t mean to�
Stevie: Not now. Follow me.
(Stevie goes inside and is followed by Legolas and Aragorn. They pass through several rooms until they reach a room that could pass as an armory, and is packed with people.)
Aragorn: What are we doing here?
Stevie: I want you to talk to these losers here and get these kids back down in the caves where they belong.
Gamling: (walking over to them) Stevie, how many times must I tell you that we need every man and boy who can wield a sword to do so?
Stevie: About forty times and I still don�t give a crap.
Gamling: What would you have me do? I would send all those here who are unfit to fight to safety, but we need them!
Aragorn: Stevie, Gamling is right. We need them.
Stevie: Need them for what? Do you need them to get themselves slaughtered? What good does that do us?
Gamling: We need someone to fight! If we took only those who are able to fight than we wouldn�t even have a score of men!
Stevie: I shall fight in the place of the two youngest here.
Aragorn: Absolutely not.
Stevie: (glares at him) You don�t have a say in this. Their lives are worth more than mine. I shall fight in their place.
Aragorn: (angry) I don�t have a say? You forget to whom you speak.
(Just before they can all get into a huge scale argument, the sound of a horn is heard coming from outside. They all rush outside to find out that there are Elves outside on the bridge. Aragorn orders the gate be opened and they all rush out to greet the Elves. It is here that we see Haldir, who steps forward to say something, but is cut off when Stevie runs forward and jumps on him.)
Stevie: Haldir! You�re here to save our bums, right?
Haldir: Of course. Could you get off of me?
Stevie: Sure thing. (hops off him) Dudes, these guys are here to save us.
Legolas: Perfect timing, Haldir.
Haldir: As always.
Stevie: (grabs Haldir�s arm) Come on, buddy. I have to give you the abbreviated tour of our degenerating mountainous refuge.
(She starts to drag him off, obviously in an attempt to avoid another argument with Aragorn which will be very, very nasty. Aragorn knows what she is up to and has every intention of addressing the issue and getting his own way.)
Aragorn: Stevie, I do believe we have some unsettled issues to discuss.
Stevie: (turns and glares at him) No. You cannot and will not tell me what to do. I have made up my mind and there is nothing you can do about it.
Aragorn: I will tell you what to do, and you shall do it. I only have you do what I think is best!
Stevie: You tell me to do whatever you want me to do. You don�t even care if it is best as long as you get what you want! Maybe you think that locking me away is best, but Aragorn, there is a difference between what is best and what is right. There is an even bigger difference between what is right and what is necessary!
Aragorn: (walking towards her) You go to far this time.
Stevie: Too far? I do not believe that I have gone far enough.
(It is at this point that an absolutely infuriated Aragorn grabs a very riled Stevie by the upper arm and proceeds in dragging her inside. He takes her into an empty side room and slams the door behind him. Drawing his dagger he shoves her against the wall. Raising the dagger to her throat, he begins to speak calmly.)
Aragorn: Perhaps you do not fully realize why I am so insistent about this, Stevie. I shall explain, and after I do, if you still refuse to do as I say, I will be forced to kill you here and now. Do you understand?
Stevie: Yes.
Aragorn: (nods) Aside from the fact that women are not meant to fight wars, there is the matter of what we are fighting. You are a bright young lady, Stevie, so you surely must realize the forces we are up against. We will face many more of Saruman�s Uruks. They come here to slaughter us all. I would give everything to protect you. Surely you realize that if the enemy were to discover you were a female what they would do to you? Do you, Stevie?
(Stevie just nods silently. Aragorn stops a moment and runs a finger through her hair. He then begins to speak again.)
Aragorn: I would rather kill you myself than see that happen to you. Surely now you begin to understand why I am doing all of this?
Stevie: I would rather see it done to me than have those children take part in battle. Surely now you begin to understand why I am doing all of this?
Aragorn: (sighs) If I have all the young lads under the age of ten sent back down with the other women and children, will you agree to go with them? And I mean stay there?
Stevie: Only if you agree that if something happens I am allowed to take whatever measures I find necessary to protect these people.
Aragorn: Consider it done. (lowers his dagger) I didn�t hurt you, did I?
Stevie: You bruised my arm.
Aragorn: I am sorry, love.
Stevie: (smiles) I know. Come on. Let�s go and cheer up these people before we all get ourselves killed. After all, bad impressions bring no conviction, Aragorn. As of right now they think you�re a madman who walks around covered in food and a beater of young women.
Aragorn: I think I would like to redeem myself of that.
Stevie: Well, then let�s go. You have to save the day!
