Chapter Fourteen: The Departure and Some More Mendacity
Stevie: What do you mean we have to leave tomorrow?
Aragorn: I mean, we�re leaving tomorrow.
Stevie: This stinks.
Harper: Hey, we have a schedule to keep. What do you want from the man?
Stevie: Oh, I don�t know. A week and a few more cuddle sessions?
(Aragorn turns red and walks a few feet away to start packing up some belongings and supplies. Harper lightly smacks Stevie upside the head.)
Harper: (scolding) What is wrong with you, child? You should know better than to indanger his reputation of rugged manliness by talking about your cuddle sessions!
Stevie: Well, you asked, I answered.
(Just then, Merry and Pippin come bounding over to them, looking excited.)
Merry: Hello!
Aragorn: What kind of trouble are you two getting into?
Pippin: (looking indignant) None! Haldir wanted us to come and ask you how many boats you thought we would need.
Aragorn: Well�.. Hobbits can�t swim�..so we should you in boats with someone who can�..just in case�..
Stevie: How about you stick Frodo and Sam in a boat with you, and put Merry and Pippin in a boat with Boromir. Legolas and Gimli can have one, and Harper and I can manage another.
Aragorn: (looking unsure) I don�t think you two should have your own boat. I don�t think you could handle it.
Harper: We can handle it. (turns to Merry and Pippin) Go tell Haldir we�ll need four.
Pippin: Alright!
(The two midgets dash off in the direction from which they came. Aragorn looks somewhat flustered.)
Aragorn: I do wish you would stop undermining me like that.
Harper: It�s not undermining. It�s quick decision making.
Stevie: It would have been undermining if we did it behind your back and you had no idea we had done it, and you had already decided on something else.
Aragorn: I cannot abide you two.
Harper: Why, because we�re always right?
Aragorn: You are not always right. You just always seem to have valid points.
Stevie and Harper: (looking at each other, saying in unison) We�re always right.
Aragorn: (shooing them away) Be gone, women! Go help the others load the boats!
Harper: (mock saluting) Yes, sir!
(The two girls skip of to help. Aragorn gives a brief sigh of frustration and mutters something along the lines of �I can�t wait until this is all over�.)
(Meanwhile, back at Stately Wayne Manor, our other two heroines are busy telling the old geezer known as Saruman some more lies about the future of Middle-earth. He�s still falling for them, fortunately, though it is relatively sad, considering one of the lies being something along the lines of �and this giant mutant squirrel will come along and destroy what is left of Imladris�.)
Saruman: So I needn�t worry about the destruction of Imladris? This�..giant mutant squirrel will take care of it for me?
Van: Well, not for you. It�s more along the lines of he just wants to go back and ruin Elrond�s home because he�s been gypping him about those acorns for years.
Saruman: (contemplates) It seems a bit ridiculous, don�t you think?
Kit: Well, sure, but we�re telling you the truth, man. We know all about this stuff. All will come to pass just as we have said.
Saruman: Yes, yes, of course it will. You can�t be wrong after all, you know all of this. I have no further need for your knowledge right now. Shplurgshgashk will return you to your chambers until I have further use for you.
Kit: Okie dokie, Pops. Whatever you say. Come on, Van.
(The two girls follow Shplurgsie back to their room and the girls go inside and lock the door. Shplurgsie is once again left to contemplate the oddities in teenage female behavior. Once inside Kit jumps on Van, knocking her to the floor. The two have this brief cat fight and several minutes and scratches later, Kit and Van are lying in their cots.)
Van: What was that all about?
Kit: That was for that stupid squirrel thing.
Van: Well, he believed it, didn�t he?
Kit: (rolls her eyes) Yeah, but that�s not the point, Van! Just because he�s an idiot doesn�t mean that we can go around saying this uberly ridiculous things, expecting everyone to believe them.
Van: Well, whatever. (randomly decides to change the subject) I miss Leggy-doodles. Do you miss Frodo?
Kit: Of course I miss my Frodo. He�s only the greatest hobbity fellow of all time. Oh, and if Legolas ever heard you call him that, I think he�d shoot you.
Van: No he wouldn�t!
Kit: What makes you think so?
Van: First of all, he�s my hamster and he�s not allowed to shoot me, and secondly, he�d be so unbelievably happy to see me safe and sound that he would die just to hear me call him that.
Kit: You�ve been reading too many fanfics.
Van: Don�t start with me on that. You know I can�t help it. At least I don�t have a fetish for spastic little dudes with hairy feet.
Kit: Don�t go their, girlfriend.
Van: (points and laughs) Too late. Already did.
Kit: You�re dead!
(The two hop out of their cots to start round two of the �Don�t Go There Girlfriend Because You Have Stupid Ideas� wars.)
(Back in Lothlorien our friends, the Buddyship, are busy packing their boats for their journey. We see Legolas hopping back and forth carrying bundles of lembas, Merry and Pippin sitting on the side of a boat, and Boromir showing Harper and Stevie how to row a boat properly to save tem time from complications later.)
Boromir: So all you do is pick the paddle up, move it forward, stick it in the water, push down and back, and then pick up the paddle and do it again. Occasionally switch the sides of the boat on which you paddle to steer. Got it?
Stevie: Yeah. It�s not rocket science, man.
Boromir: Fine, than show me.
(Stevie repeats his movements while murmuring the steps to herself. She does it a few times more and than hands the oar back to Boromir. Boromir turns to Harper.)
Boromir: Your turn.
Harper: Aye aye, Cap�n Crunch.
(Harper grabs the oar from Boromir and mimics the movements he performed previously, also murmuring the simple steps to herself. Seeming satisfied, she hands the oar back to Boromir.)
Boromir: It will do.
Stevie: It�s going to have to because�
(Stevie is cut off by this odd squeaking noise. She looks quizzically to Harper, who in a few moments, wrinkles her nose in disgust.)
Harper: (jumping out of the boat and waving her hand in front of her nose) All right! Who cut the cheese?
(No one says anything, but they all just seem to stare at her strangely until Stevie jumps out of the boat behaving in a similar manner. Boromir just shakes his head in a manner that says �I don�t even want to know� and walks away to grab some supplies to pack. Harper looks around and then notices Merry and Pippin sitting with their back to her, sitting very still. She points a finger at them.)
Harper: You! Hobbits!
(Merry and Pippin cringe and turn around to look at her.)
Harper: Lay off the lembas, aighty? Those gases could knock out an entire army!
Pippin: Well, they didn�t seem to knock you or Stevie out!
Stevie: Dudes, we�ve been traveling with Aragorn and Boromir for how long? It�s not like they smell any better half of the time.
Aragorn: (from goodness knows where) I heard that!
Stevie: I�m glad, dearest.
Boromir: Why must you continue to pick on me? I bathed after we arrived here!
Harper: Yeah, I noticed. Thanks. I mean, if you hadn�t, you and Aragorn alone could have wiped out the populace of Lothlorien with that stench.
(Boromir managed to shoot Harper a glare which soon turned into a smirk when she threw some lembas at him. It was then that Aragorn came over and literally swept Stevie off her feet, carried her over to their boat, and plopped her down in it.)
Aragorn: We�ll be leaving soon. Don�t you leave this boat.
Stevie: Yes sir.
Aragorn: Harper! Boat. Now.
Harper: Yes, Mr. Kinglypants.
(Harper walked over to the boat and then plopped down behind Stevie. They started poking each other, and within a few moments, they had all four hobbits over betting lembas on who would win the �Poke of Doom� contest.)
(And so we return to Stately Wayne Manor�..where the old Geezer seems to be having some sort of an odd panic attack or something. Seeing as the girls are in the room smirking, they must be the cause of this.)
Saruman: Don�t you ever call me that!
Van: Pops.
Saruman: (stamps his foot) Stop it!
Kit: Pops.
Van: Pops.
Saruman: (pulling at his hair) Silence!
Van: Oh, cool it. We�re allowed to call you Pops.
Saruman: I am not this �Pops�. I am Saruman the Many Colored!
Kit: You know, all the colors in the world put together is white. So you�re still Saruman the White.
Van: Yeah. Knock it off with the funky cool titles that don�t amount to a pile of crap. Aighty, Pops?
Saruman: (yelling) I AM NOT THIS POPS! DO NOT CALL ME POPS!
Kit: Righty-o Pops.
Saruman: GET OUT OF MY ROOM!
Van: Okie dokie, Pops.
Saruman: (chucking his favorite picture book at them) GET OUT!
(The girls start walking back up the tower towards their room. They�re trying to restrain their laughter to �Pops� cannot hear it.)
Kit: That was great!
Van: Tomorrow we get to call him Grandpa.
Kit: That should be interesting. He�ll probably have a heart attack and die.
Van: I wish. Then we could get the heck out of this place. It�s all creepy-ish.
Kit: Yes, very creepy-ish. Not to mention it smells.
Van: Everywhere in this freaking world smells!
Kit: Yeah�..I was beginning to notice a trend�..
(The two continue to walk up a flight of huge stairs�..or a huge flight of stairs�..or whatever. Walking, walking, walking�..too bad they couldn�t go running, running, running, like a bunch of constipated Weiner dogs. That would�ve been great. Heh�..the good old days! )
(Back in the Wood of Ridiculously Shiny Things and Creepy Really Old Elvish Homies, the Buddyship was just leaving their final meeting with Galadriel, where they were presented with gifts and stuff. Basically, to sum it all up, Legolas go a Bow, Merry and Pip got daggers, so did Aragorn, Sam got a box of dirt, Gimli got hair, Frodo got a shiny thing, Boromir got a belt, and Stevie and Harper each received a small crystal pendant hung on a silver chain, each one different, and two more to be given to Kit and Van when next they saw them. That was all well in good, because now they were in boats, again, going down the river.)
Stevie: (rowing the boat for the first half of the day�s trip) What significance do you think these have?
Harper: (Looking at the small pendants) What do you mean?
Stevie: Well, look at them, they�re each shaped differently. Yours is in the shape of a tear drop, mine is the shape of a star. What are Van and Kit�s again?
Harper: (looks at the other two quizzically) I don�t know. Van�s looks like an arrow head�..sort of�..and Kit�s looks like a weird looking key, I guess.
Stevie: Well, they have to mean something!
Harper: Stephanie, they were given to us by the Lady of the Wood of Ridiculously Shiny Things and Creepy Really Old Elvish Homies. They could mean anything!
Stevie: What did I tell you about calling me by that name, Ha�
Harper: (glaring at the back of Stevie�s head) Finish that sentence and I swear I will kill you.
Stevie: Oh, come on, man. You�re going to have to tell Boromir someday anyway!
Harper: Will you be quiet! I don�t need them to hear you. I will tell him all in good time. Preferably later�..when you are all far gone.
Stevie: Oh, I get it. The secrecy thing. You know, it�s not a bad name. I think it�s pretty.
Harper: I know you do. That�s why I don�t like it, you clown.
Stevie: Oh be quiet.
Harper: Chop chop, Stevie! You�ve stopped rowing!
Stevie: I am going to hurt you!
Harper: Bring it on, Sistah!
Stevie: I�m gonna open up a can of whooparse on you so big�..I swear. I will have my revenge!
