 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Zac: |
|
|
| 	Wow. We went from an adorable eleven-year-old to a manly-man teenager. |
|
|
| 	Zachary Walker screams: I'm bold. I'm good. I'm a man. It's great, you should try it. He's not the little boy of the group anymore. He's liable to stomp on his older brothers and shine. And I hope he does. |
|
|
| 	Zac's probably got more testosterone now than any other person his age. He's big... he's strong... and look at that neck. Damn. What are they feeding you? |
|
|
| 	And hey. He's fourteen now. As of October 22, 1999. Our boy's fourteen. Wow. It's a cool age. They were getting big when Taylor was fourteen. Hmm... maybe it's an omen... |
|
|
| 	Zac's also... funny. He was just funny. He laughed for no fricken reason and it was just the funniest thing. |
|
|
| 	He's a good drummer, too. I mean... it's complicated to play the drums. You've got many different parts running at one time and it's your job to keep the band together... and without the Zac-drummer-man, we'd have Isaac on: In an MMMBop they're gone and Taylor on: Which flowers going to grow and the backup people way behind playing the beginning chords. So without, Zackie-man, Hanson would suck. |
|
|
| 	And our little boy-man was bold enough to bare all for us in Moe 6. He's got smooth, soft looking skin doesn't he? |
|
|
| 	But under that soft skin is a person who lost all emotions: |
|
 |
|
|
|
| He won't cry. |
|
|
|
|
| He won't laugh. |
|
|
|
|
| He won't smile. |
|
|
|
|
| He won't frown. |
|
|
|
|
| He won't kiss the camera. |
|
|
|
|
| He won't talk. |
|
|
|
|
| He won't scream. |
|
|
 |
|
|
|
| He won't yell. |
|
|
|
|
| He won't be " hyper" |
|
|
|
|
| He won't burp. |
|
|
|
|
| He won't sigh. |
|
|
|
|
| He won't raise his eyebrows. |
|
|
|
|
| He won't... be happy anymore. |
|
|
|
|
|
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?? WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH ZAC-ATTACK????????????? |
|
|
| 	I mean... what happened? Okay, yeah... he gave us a preview of a thicker, deeper, bigger Zac in '98 at the ripe old age of 12. But... never did we anticipate such a turn around Zac of the millennium. |
|
|
|
 |
|
| What we love: |
|
|
|
|
| 1. The big strong Zac. ( He can save us from a shark anyday, can't he? ) |
|
|
|
|
| 2. His old, 11 year old laugh. ( Such a sweetie. ) |
|
|
|
|
| 3. His used-to-be wicked sense of fashion. ( We've got a green shirt... orange pants... and yellow Docs. Mm-hmm... call up Vogue... we have a winner.) |
|
|
|
|
| 4. His drawings. ( Moe man... MON cover... The flower... the list goes on. ) |
|
|
|
|
| 5. His announced abstinence. ( " People tell me I should when I get the urge. But, I just have no desire to pull my pants down in front of a girl. " Your daddy would be proud, Z-man. ) . |
|
|
|
|
| 6. His announced heterosexual preference. ( " First of all, I like girls. I am not a weirdo. " ) |
|
|
| 7. How he laughs off embarrassing moments. ( "... he was playing tic-tac-toe with his Twizzlers. " Taylor: " I... this is not good. " Zac: Laughs his ass off.) |
|
|
| 8. His indignance. ( * Looks at Donny Osmond * " Everyone?s voice changes....it just * voice cracks * happens. " ) |
|
|
| 9. He blatantly told the fans to hush. ( " GUYS!! We have to talk to Jennifer here!! You people can't answer for her!! " You go, boy. Oops. You 'da man. ) |
|
|
| 10. He just took Alex Kingston?s chicken ass shoving job with ease. ( " It wasn't a job...so it was fun, right? " And heck... I was saying to myself: Holy god you damn Brit. Shut up! ) |
|
|
| 11. And finally...someone's recognized Zac has a problem. ( " Zac, I think you got some problems you need to talk about. " -Radio Man. ) |
|
|
| 12. He sang in the Bohemian Rhapsody. ( Wasn't that great?? It was soo funny! ) |
|
|
| What we don't: |
|
|
| 1. He, like his brother Isaac, know: Yes, girls have breasts. ( " Of course girls are different!! They have boobs!! " * Schmack!!! * ) |
|
|
| 2. Again. See above. ( " I'm glad I'm a man without breasts. I don't want to be a man with breasts. " Yeah. I bet you borrow Ikes magazines don't you?) |
|
|
| 3. Again. See above the above. ( " Oh my god!! You people just missed the best commercial!! ( Victoria?s Secret.) " Zac!! God!! Cold thoughts, my man. Cold thoughts. ) |
|
|
| 4. His DEPRESSION. ( God, man. Zac. www.prozac.com www.maoinhibitor.com www.zoloft.com www.placebo.com www.depression.com GET SOME HELP!!! TALK TO SOMEONE!!! YOUR PARENTS!! YOUR BROTHERS!! MACKENZIE!!! GOD!!! ) |
|
|
| 5. His moody-ness. ( He didn't talk during the recent VH1 interview. He sat there. Wouldn't talk. Who peed in your snare? ) |
|
|
| 6. His neck. ( um...no. no no no no no no. ) |
|
|
|
7. His seemingly case of homophobia. ( I dunno... I just think he is. ) |
|
|
| 8. He, too, refers to his sisters and brother as siblings. ( Jess-i-ca. Jess*eh*ka A-very A*vry Ma-ken-zie Muh*ken*z Zoe Zo*ee ) |
|
|
| 9. His baby-phobia. ( He said he wouldn't hold Zoe until she was " less breakable " Dude. You've gone through 4 new babies. You should be over it by now. ) |
|
|
|
10. .......... He just had to grow up............ |
|
|
|
* Bottom line * |
|
|
|
Well... Zachary...honey. We love you. You're intelligent. Funny. Nice. Affectionate. And a sweetie. We just think you need help. But not to worry... we'll get you that help. We promise... |
|