"BIG CITY LIGHTS"

The city has a shimmering appeal to the night eye. As I look at the buildings from our helicopter, I can't help but wonder about all the situations happening at this moment. One, two million people, most may be sleeping but it is a Friday night and there has to be many different things going on. One scenario keeps me distracted. You see I know there are musicians that played earlier in the evening waiting for the last band to finish so they can pack up and go home. Its almost midnight so I know there are many first rate "unsigned" bands ready to go on any second, the adrenaline pumping in the veins of the band members. Inside they ponder questions serious and not so, like "is this the night?", "the night that we get noticed and a record label signs us?". While the perception given off is one of confidence, calm and joviality. All the while spocking out a cute girl for after. Not thinking about living on the edge, moving forward as if in a race with time itself. For that is what the band is really doing, they do not think about it, thus creating this rush of energy by only doing what comes natural for them tonight.

I know that feeling, and I miss it badly. The knowing that one can never go back in time and redo old performances, etc. whatever, and then knowing also that the future seems predictable, leaves me jaded. Just thinking this, most likely makes it happen. We make our own fate? I don't know, but I like to believe that we do make major decisions not realizing how important the decision is until much later.

At the time? What is the "time"? If time is truly linear, then it would be conceivable that going back in history would be possible. All I know is that right now, I can't go back and my near future is planned out almost to the hour for the next two years. When I was first rate "unsigned" headlining act, I never thought "this is great!", in fact, I did not really think of it at all. I and those with me lived minute to minute and make changes in plans on the fly. Looking back, It was so incredible, spontaneous and FUN. I loved the hurry up before a show and the "where are we to party now" atmosphere afterwards. Even if I did go to the same clubs and Dennys after, it always seemed like a movie and I was in it. Maybe it was the ages of myself and my bandmates, but I don't want that to be the truth.

I want to believe that it was and could be again, if the right chemistry is there with the people included within the circle. People feed off each other, the energy from just two people who "click" is greater that the two people, its like two and a half. Now if you had five, etc., the "vibe" grows exponentially so as to create a feeling within everyone as a whole of a common bond. This link that bonds the group is not something you could see or calculate, but it is there. Most only get the rush of the energy and go with it, myself, I see what is happening and that excites me even more. I feel like the night will not end, a little invincible, maybe a little treacherous too. That is what is gone, for this night, right now, for me.

I know the crew has setup the stage. I know exactly where I will be standing at twelve thirty-five. The lamest thing is that I will not see my bandmates until a couple of minutes before, and afterwards not until the next show or meeting. I do not share feelings with them only musical ideas, not even politics. Just work. Doing something you love for work is supposed to be the best. Now I know it is not only music I love, it is the "atmosphere' of being associated with a group of people that I love to be with. That is almost impossible to find, and I guess inevitable must end. Nothing can last forever, sad but true.

I travel around the world now but do not go anywhere that is new. I sleep within two hours after a performance, cause I know I have to get up early and get on another plane, train or helicopter. So for me I go from hotel bed to car seat to plane seat to back stage seat. I cannot take a day off to visit historical sites or shop for personal things or toys. I have a Lotus and keep saying that "I'll get to drive it once I am back in the city". What happens is that when I return to my city I get visited by my friends and driven around. I do some of the same things and go to the same places I used to before as I try to get that "feeling" again. And as I do, I know that trying to make it happen is killing the chance of it ever happening.

I can not force something to happen, I have to keep moving, working, pushing myself out and I know from the past that the feeling will happen again. When it does, I will know it. I can't bottle up personal energies and spend them when we wish, like a pill the doctor gives me. I just have to wait, and when I least expect it BOOM! I will be experiencing it. Time will move at a slower speed for me compared to the rest of the city, those with me will make the night last a little longer than nature intended and I will savor the feeling for now I understand that I may not experience it again.