Marco and I went to the hospital to see the oncologist and I was praying to be told I would only need radiation therapy. Like most people I'd heard lots of stories about chemo and all the side effects and I was determined not to have it regardless of what any one else said. I think I was keeping this appointment more to appease Marco than anything else. I vividly remember a friend of my mothers going through chemo and having an absolute hellish time with it�Of course that was 20 years ago and a lot has changed since then but it's hard to think rationally about it when its you that has to go through these things.

The oncologist was a very nice Asian man, he introduced himself as Boris and the first thing he did was thank us for keeping the appointment which I thought was a bit odd until he explained that a large percentage of his patients don't tend to show up. I can certainly understand why that it but if you are going to go to the trouble of making the appointment then you might as well keep it. I mean listening to what he has to say doesn't lock you into anything does it?

He pulled up all my details on the computer and explained to us that the tumour was 1.7cm in size and that it was a grade three tumour. We were told that there were no oestrogen receptors in the tumour, which I initially thought meant that I hadn't gone through menopause yet, but it turns out that what it really meant was that it couldn't be treated with hormone therapy. Then he said those words I'd been dreading. "We're going to start you on a course of chemotherapy." He went on to explain what combination of drugs I would be given, how they were to be administered and how often I would have to have it. He went though the some of the possible side effects including hair loss and my heart sank. He then added that I would also need a course of radiation therapy. A lot of what was said after this kind of went over my head a bit. I went in there hoping and naively thinking that I would be told that I only needed radiation therapy�That's what everyone had told me would *probably* happen. There were no cancer cells in the tissue surrounding the lump. No cancer cells in my lymph nodes. So why did I need both, The answer just pissed me off. It seems there if there is no cancer detected in the surrounding tissue or the lymph nodes there is a cut off point with the size of the tumour. If it is 1.5cm or less then chemo is not normally recommended�. My tumour was 1.7cm and at 40-years, old my age was also a factor. Marco asked all the questions that I should have but was too upset to even think about. One of those being why I had to have both chemo and radiation therapy?
Boris explained that a lot of blood vessels were cut when the tumour was removed so there was a possibility that some of the drugs may not get to the source of the tumour. The radiation treatment on top of the chemo would kill any undetected cancer sell that may or may or my not have been left behind after surgery. He also said that what they would like to do was start me on the first course of chemo then stop for me to have the 6 weeks of radiation therapy. Then finish the chemo. Something else I was really unhappy about.

As Boris scrolled through my files on the computer he came to another problem. It seems there was a question mark as to the amount of surrounding tissue that had been taken with the tumour and that this would have some bearing on my radiation treatment. Boris asked the Radiologist to come in he and introduced us to Professor Quenten Walker. He looked at the notes and said he would be happier if I went back into surgery and had a bigger margin of tissue removed before I started Radiotherapy. If I had the surgery as well as the chemo and radiation there was a 96% chance that the cancer would not come back. Without surgery it dropped to an 87% chance. He did say afterwards that while more surgery was in his opinion the best option for me, he would be happy to do the radiation treatment without it.
This was getting worse and worse by the minute and I really didn't hear much of what was said after that. I couldn't make any decisions there and then, despite the fact the fact that Marco was keen for me to have everything done and we were told to go home and talk about it and come back in a week.

When we got back to the car I was in tears, I hadn't wanted to hear that I needed chemo and hadn't expected to be told that I needed more surgery. Marco suggested I go back and talk it through with my GP and I said I would think about it but even then I knew I wasn't going to go back under the knife. There had been a lot of pain associated with the surgery and no way in the world did I want to go through all that again. They hadn't found any cancer in the surrounding tissue they did remove, I couldn't reconcile myself with the fact that going through that all again would only yield a 9% better chance of beating it for good. and to me an 87% chance of beating it was still pretty good odds.

That night at home was the first time since I'd found the lump that I broke down and cried about it all. It wasn't just vanity, although I readily admit it was the thought of loosing my hair, eyebrows and eyelashes etc that set me off. I think it was a matter of everything catching up with me and the floodgates opening.

I talked about it a lot with my family and friends over the following week, I made it pretty clear I wasn't going to have more surgery and I think everyone accepted that in an effort to get me to have the chemo�.Something else I was strongly objecting to. I kept trying to rationalise my not having chemo with the fact that only the lump was cancerous, that the cancer might not come back even if I didn't have chemo. I also threw in the argument that I could have everything done and the cancer could still come back. With hindsight they were all pretty stupid arguments but at the time my head wasn't in a very good place so it was easy for me to validate them all as being true and reasonable excuses
Then the night before we were to see Boris again Marco sat me down and quietly told me that he intended to grow old with me and that if anything happened to me he wouldn't have any reason to grow old at all. He told me that if he could have it for me he would but since that isn't an option he asked me to have the chemotherapy and promised that he and the family would do everything in their power to make it as easy as possible for me. We both got a little emotional and I realised that we don't always understand how much we are needed or by how many people. I've had some crappy things happen to me in my life but for everything that is bad the one thing that is good, the one thing that has always kept me going, that has made me fight has been my family and friends. And here was the most important person in my life, The person I love most in the world asking me to fight again. Not just for me but for us and our future�.How could I possibly say no.

The next day we didn't see Boris, instead we saw his registrar Rick Abrahams (who just quietly I thought was quite sexy) and told him I was ready to start chemotherapy. He told us that it would be a 6-month course of a combination of drugs called FEC which, was an abbreviation of the three drugs. Fluorouracil. Epirubicin and Cyclophesphamde. He told us that it would be administered every 21 days and that my blood work would have to be monitored regularly through each period. He ran through some of the side effects again asked us if we had any questions. Marco asked him about starting the chemo then stopping for the 6-weeks of radiation treatment and resuming chemo after that. He told us it was just the way it was normally done and I told him I would rather get all the chemo out of the way first then worry about the radiation. He said that would be fine and I was pleased. Marco was just relieved, I think he knew that if I stopped half way through that I wouldn't go back again. He booked me in to start the following Tuesday told us to make a follow up appointment with him for a month's time and that was that. I didn't leave the hospital in tears this time but I wasn't happy. I knew it was something I had to do but I was still quite scared about it all.

That night I rang my son Scott in Sydney and told him and he was naturally very upset and as my friends predicted a little cross that I hadn't told him sooner. We talked it all through and I made it very clear to him that I had no intention of dying from this. His initial reaction was that he wanted to come straight home, which I loved him for but it wasn't really very practical. He had a good job in Sydney and was settled there. Once I'd assured him that I really was in fact okay and being well taken care of he agreed with me and promised to come up the following weekend to see us. That was a very difficult thing for me to have to do. As I mentioned earlier dealing with your own cancer was infinitely more easy than dealing with a loved one in the same position.

In the days leading up to my starting chemo Nonna Anna convinced me that I should get my hair cut short. My hair is dead straight and I've always worn it long. At the time it was halfway down my back and even though I didn't want to get it cut she made me realise that it might be a little less traumatic when it started to fall out if it was shorter. My friend Shelley is my hairdresser and she came to the house on Saturday morning and cropped it very short for me. When I looked into the mirror vanity kicked in big time and I burst into tears. Everyone was very sympathetic and Gianni promised that when my hair did fall out that he would shave his head for me and I thought that was very sweet.

I'm not going to go through the whole process of receiving chemo and how I felt afterwards for each dose I had. But I will go through it all step by step this one time so anyone reading this who is facing chemotherapy for the first time might have a better idea of what to expect.

We got to the chemo day ward at the hospital at around 10.30 on Tuesday and I was so nervous. The walk from the car to the hospital got slower and slower the closer we got. There were about 10 very big and comfortable chairs in the ward and several people having their treatment when we got there. The nursing staff were just lovely and Nancy the lady who was taking care of me went through all the things I had to be careful of such as infections because the chemo would cause my blood count and platelets to drop. Then offered to show us a video, which we declined to see. Then we had to sit and wait for the drugs to come up from the dispensary. When they came there was some problem with the dosage that had been written up and a few frantic calls were made to the doctor. It couldn't be sorted out over the phone and we were told that I would have to come back tomorrow. Marco said later that my bag was in my hand, my bum was out of the seat and I was heading for the elevator before she had even finished the sentence LOL..... I felt like a prisoner on death row that had just received a last minute pardon from the governor.

The following day there were no mistakes made and I had my first dose of chemo. They started by putting a cannula in the back of my left hand and attached a bag of saline solution to help flush the drugs through my system, they started this running straight away and my arm felt cold as it went through. There were three of what to me looked like huge syringes on the work tray full of fluid one of which was red in colour and another smaller vial of another drug which turned out to be an anti nausea drug and a steroid called dexamethasone. They were checked by Nancy and another nurse to make sure that I was getting the right drugs and dose and then we got started

First I was given the steroid/anti nausea combination which I was told worked well together to combat any nausea. This only took a few minutes to put through then I had the first of the chemo drugs. They started with the Cyclophesphamde and as it was going in I expected to start feeling ill right a way but he only thing I was really aware of was that my mouth went very dry. It was fed through very slowly and the first lot took about 15 minutes to complete. The second drug given was the Epirubicin. (the red one.) Nancy said as she started putting it through that this was the nasty one and told me to tell her if I felt any burning around the site of the cannula while she was giving it to me because it would burn the skin if any of it leaked out. I did start to feel a little ill when this drug was being administered but it was anything too bad. Again it was fed through very slowly and took around 15 minutes to finish. The third drug, Fluorouracil made me feel a bit light headed, I was told by Nancy that it had to be fed through very slowly because it could cause problems with the bladder and told me to tell her if I got any tingling down below. I guess she must have done a good job because I didn't. It took about 25 minutes to complete. Afterwards the saline drip was opened right up to help flush the drugs through my system and this took another 10 minutes to finish. The whole process from beginning to end took around 90 minutes.

They gave me some anti nausea drugs to take home with me and a card with a load of writing on it that I didn't understand the meaning of. This was for me to give to the pathology people each time I got my blood tested so they would know exactly what I was having done and what I was to be tested for. I was told to have a blood test done at day 10 after chemo to test my liver and kidney function then again the day before my next treatment to check my blood count and platelets. If they were too low, treatment might be delayed for a day or so. Or possibly I would have to have a blood transfusion if it was really low. They told me it was very important to try and drink at least 7 litres of water a day to keep my kidneys well flushed and to help me avoid bladder infections. I was given an appointment card marked with the days I had to get my blood tests done, my appointments with the doctor and my next day for treatment which would be in 21 days time all being well.

We went home and I was quite surprised at how sick I didn't feel, I'm not sure what I was expecting to be honest but it wasn't this�.Not that I was complaining. The first time I went to the toilet after I got home I got a bit of a shock because my urine was bright red. I came out of the bathroom in a bit of a panic because I thought something terrible was wrong. But Marco said that the nurse had told us that this may happen and it was down to the red drug Epirubicin I had been given. I dont remember being told that whch is a prime example of why its important to take somebody with you for things like this if you can. By around 5pm I was starting to feel quite ill and my mouth was so dry that no matter what I did or what I drank it didn't make any difference and my eyes were starting to get very dry and itchy as well. I threw up a couple of times then went to bed early figuring if I could sleep through it I'd be better off.

Day 2 after chemo and for now although still feeling unwell I'd stopped throwing up, The anti nausea drugs I was given didn't seem to be making a lot of difference as I was still feeling sick and my mouth and eyes were still dry. By the end of the day I'd gotten a bad case of the chills. Nobody had mentioned this to me and it was quite horrible. I couldn't get warm or stop shaking despite the fact that the weather outside was quite mild. I threw up a few times in the evening and again had an early night.

Day three after chemo and the fatigue I had been told about really set it. Now when they told me I would suffer fatigue I thought they meant I would just be very tired and I thought that was okay and that I would just sleep a lot. But it was the muscle fatigue that took me by surprised. Everything ached not unlike when you first come down with the flu. All across my back and shoulders ached and my legs and arms were sore and it was all very unpleasant

Day four and while still not feeling the best the throwing up seemed to have stopped now. The chills were beginning to lessen a bit but the muscle fatigue was really pulling me down. I also noticed for the first time that my face, hands and feet were blown up and very puffy. Marco told me I had been like that since Tuesday but I think I had been too busy being sick to notice. It was a side effect from the steroid they gave me at the chemo ward as part of the anti nausea medicine.

My eating habits through these first few days after chemo weren't that good, obviously when you think you are going to bring up everything you eat you become less inclined to want to eat anything. And lets face it things never taste as good coming back up and they did going down in the first place. I live in a house full of Italians so most of the food we eat is rich and spicy but Nonna Anna was very good and made me light meals like boiled eggs or omelettes. I normally didn't get though much of it but as long as I ate something she was happy. Drinking the required amount of water was easy too in the first week after chemo because my mouth was constantly dry but it did become harder to keep up with it as the weeks progressed. & 7 litres of water a day is such a lot especially in winter. Nonna also became almost fanatical about hygiene. Everyone was so worried about what was going to happen when my white blood cells and platelets bottomed out and I think they were trying to over compensate for it early on. But that wasn't going to happen for another week. Marco went out and bought every vitamin supplement known to man that was supposed to boost my immune system and Nonna Anna cleared the shelves in the supermarket of every antibacterial hand wash, mouthwash, toilet cleaner, kitchen cleaner, surface spray and air spray. She started washing the towels every day and even the poor dogs were getting a bath every day. Something they really didn't like and wasn't good for them. I think it was a bit of overkill. But I guess being a nursing sister for 50 odd years made her more conscious of germs etc

As the first week progressed I stopped feeling quite so ill, all the puffiness went down and the chills and muscle fatigue went away a bit. I was left with just a general feeling of being unwell and very tired. It was unpleasant but probably not as bad as I thought it was going to be and we were all pleasantly surprised by this I think.

I also rang my mum in the UK to finally tell her what was happening, She was very shocked and very upset and wanted to drop everything and come home instantly. But I told her I was ok and that she should stay with and look after my aunty for the time being. I had enough people here fussing already as it was but that didn't mean I wasn't missing her terribly.

The only minor hiccup I had through this first dose of chemo was that I cut myself in the kitchen. And because my platelets were so low we had to go up to casualty because it wouldn't stop bleeding and they gave me a coagulant to clot my blood, which was just a damn nuisance. But all in all, the first dose turned out to be no where near as bad as I had expected it to be.