My uncle is a television producer and he gets to hear about a lot of the ideas for TV programmes that never make it. Here are some of them:
Sisters - heartwarming soap about sextuplets who all become nuns
The Turnip Quiz - contestants grapple with obscure questions about turnips
International Kerbcrawling Championships - live from Hollywood
Fashion for Paraplegics - find out which sleeveless tops are in this summer
Oooh, Me Piles - medical sitcom based in an old folk's home
Celebrity Duck-fuck - starring Christopher Biggins as the duck
If you're ever short on money and somewhere to stay, here's a tip. Dress up in a monkey suit and wait outside a zoo. They'll soon catch you and feed you all the bananas you like.
Unfortunately there is a flaw in this plan. Monkeys can be quite frisky animals, and you may end up getting more attention from them than perhaps you wanted. On the up side though, you can do the same back to them.
I played a really great computer game the other day. It was entertaining, biologically informative and helped me to learn responsibility about serious medical issues. It was called Hamster Prostrate Gland Checkup.
On the first screen, after I'd named my hamster - Gerald if you need to know - I had to pick one of three pairs of gloves to use. I picked the yellow ones, which turned out to be made of gauze.
Then on the next screen, I had to select which lubricant to use. So difficult since all three of them looked the same and they all had the labels missing. I picked the first one, only to find out it was actually vinegar.
Well, hardly surprisingly, as soon as my vinegar-soaked gauze glove touched Gerald's rectum, he jumped a mile and let out a squeak.
On the second go I selected ribbed PVC gloves with chilli sauce as a lubricant.
Finally I managed to get the latex gloves with the KY jelly, and it turned out that Gerald didn't have any prostate problems. Sadly due to some unusual burn marks on his anus he had to be put down.
My mate Bob has just invented a new type of pant. It's rather similar to the Y-front. Of course the advantage of the Y-front is that it allows the man to urinate without actually taking off the undergarment.
Bob's new pants use a similar principle, but they're called Y-backs, and are also meant to be used with trousers that have a rear fly. I tried them once and only got a little bit of excrement on my clothes.
On the subject of trousers, I've seen these new Freddy Mercury trousers you can buy, which have a picture of the singer covering the whole of the front of them. There seems to have been a slight miscalculation in the positioning of Freddy's mouth though, because when one goes to the toilet it looks like he has a penis sticking out of it.
What's more, if you're wearing Y-backs and have a reverse fly, he shits out of the back of his head.
Once these Y-backs take off, I'm going to start a shop converting old unfashionable Y-fronts into funky cool Y-backs. Basically, a man will walk into the shop wearing his Y-fronts, he'll pay me �10 to take them away. Then - and here's the clever bit - I'll go into the back room for a few minutes then give the pants back to him but the other way round!! Hey presto, Y-backs!
Oh dear, it seems these Y-backs don't work very well. I just tried having a poo with them on and it didn't leave properly. Maybe I should use a different letter to a Y.
I never really understood the phrase 'midget submarine'. To me, it always brings to mind a submarine full of munchkins having a party, squealing 'Weeee!' and generally messing about.