my_thoughts1

It is now nearly eight years since I lost Kyle. I feel the pain in my heart still. People think I am OK - but that is because it is what they want rather than how I actually am. I have found when I talk about Kyle people either react in two ways, they try to shut me up by changing the subject or they come out with something stupid. I used to think of myself as a religious person with a strong belief, but I have to say since this traumatic experience in my life, I do not have much faith in anything.

The thought in the back of my mind always is 'what did I do that was so bad to deserve the life I have been given?'. I get fed up with people telling me "everything that happens in life was meant to happen". I do NOT believe that. People do not realise the hurt they add to my life, when they come out with any of the 'blase' remarks about my loss. I used to find it very hard being around young babies or being with people who are pregnant. There are some things that happened during my pregnancy with those around me, which I cannot forgive the people who did them.

All I can say, is if you want a taste of pure hell, I 'tasted' it at that time in my life (again). When I think about everything I have been through throughout my life, this tops it all. I have not grieved for Kyle, I have not had the chance to where I can feel safe to.

Kyles first anniversary of his death, I felt very suicidal. The feeling that I want to die is forever with me today and I have to try and live with it and fight it at times. I try to live some sort of life today. It seems to me that people do not acknowledge Kyles anniversaries.

BACK

I lost another baby since Kyles passing, in 2002. It is very hard to lose one child - but to lose another within a two year period is hell. I live with depression on a daily basis and feel like I am not livingat times. JADEN was due between 28th February and 4th March 2003. I knew those dates were going to be very hard for me when that time csme. When someone loses a child, their hopes and dreams go with that baby. It is hard to keep a perspective on what is and is not important in life when a baby dies, so very hard. I just ask the question "why" so often. It is too painful to even think about.

In 2003, I was blessed with the birth of a son, Joshua. He was born on 27th September, 2003 by 'C' Section (which is another story altogether!). There has been alot of healing which has come from being blessed withthe birth of Joshua. That is not to say I will ever, or could ever, forget Kyle, but with Joshua being in my life, he has given me much hope for a future. Before I had him I felt my life was 'doomed' to one of depression and misery; how that has changed. I was seriously suicidal and to be honest, had I not have had Joshua, I am convinced I would not be alive today. My daughter has been gifted with the birth of two sons: one born in 2002 and the other born 2005. I am blessed to have such a lovely son, grandsons and daughter.