Now you have it,
But you turn away,
Because of this,
I burn inside,
Waiting for another day�
I just watched "Gone with the Wind" and I bawled my eyes out right there in class! Tears just ran down my cheeks one after the other. Then, when I think it finally stopped, I just couldn't help but to start crying again. I just couldn't get over the ending of the movie. Half way through my lunch break and I still wasn't over it. In the end of the movie it just hit me that I lost him�
In the movie the guy chases after the girl for years. Trying to make her happy and forget about the other man she thought she loved. Then, after all this time the girl realizes she never truly loved the other guy, but instead really loved him. In the end he turns his back on her even though he still loves her. She pours her heart out to him, telling him how much she loves him, how much she wants and needs him. But no, he just tells her "that's not my problem" and leaves her all alone.
That wasn't the case with me, only the end. My�my boy loved me so much in the beginning and I only liked him. As time passed his feelings for me faded as my feelings for him grew stronger. Until�He did what the man in the movie did. He turned his back on me, on love on everything we had and everything we could have had. Everything we have been through, he turned his back on. All the months he spent trying to get me to love him as he loved me were for nothing. It was all for nothing. I know this because when I can honestly say "I love you" he shrugged and walked away.
It hurts! It hurts so bad that I love him more than I ever loved anyone else, and he smiles thinking that walking away from me, from us is just something to do. He smiles now because he finds it funny that someone truly loves him. I know that's what he always wanted, even if he won't admit it. For someone to love him for all his strengths and weaknesses, for all his rights and wrongs, for everything he has to offer� I saw all in him. I saw him when his guard was down. I saw the real him. He let me in, and doing so made me fall in love with him. Now he is shutting me out and it burns me, deep inside to see this, to see him pull away from me. It hurts�.
But now I smile; now I laugh. I laugh because tomorrow is a new day, just like the movie goes. But I will not chase after him. I will not walk behind him hoping he will turn around and realize what he is leaving behind. I don't want to force him. I do not want to make him try to do something he wouldn't do on his own.
Right now he turned his back on something he worked hard to get. But I won't be the one to tell him. I won't be the one to beg him to turn around and look at what he's won and lost.
Yes he hurt me. He hurt me bad. Yes I still feel the burning feeling deep inside. I have him to blame. I also have him to thank. Even though I want him back, I will not try to get him back. I believe that everything happens for a reason. And if he and I were meant to be it will happen soon enough. I do not wish him harm. Instead I wish him happiness, success and love with what ever he choses to do.
He is searching for something else now, I am sure. He is searching for something new now, like he once did for me. I hope he finds it. I hope he gets it. I hope it's everything he needs and wants and deserves. What ever it is that he is looking for, I hope it's worth it.
Until he is ready to turn around and look at me� I will not stand in his way. I will not stand in between him and that which he seeks. I will try to move on as he has done. But I will never forget like he did. I will hold on to the feeling, the love I have now, in hope of finding it again.
You love everything I'm not
You hate everything I am
That was not always so.
You hurt me
And I hurt you
Now it's over, you made that clear
Yet I keep thinking
What if you still love me like you did?
You loved me once for everything I am
You loved me once for everything I'm not
Now it's over, yet I keep thinking�
-Maria M
