I am now in my room pondering about everything. It seems as if i know nothing. I don't know. If you ask me to tell you why I am dating Max*, i wouldn't have an answer for you. I really don't. But when i see him, when I am with him, I feel so good. I feel great. And I have no idea why. I'm scared. I'm scared it won't last. If it does, until when? I don't know.
I want so many things, but can't have them. i don't deserve them. I want to say and do so much, but chose not to. In the end I regret it all.
I want this to change. I want it to change starting now. I can't make this transformation quickly. Because of this, I am scared the people I want in my life won't stick around untill I am fully changed. Untill everything is done.
Couple of days ago, I was comming home from work, with a smile on my face. I cannot recall why, but I want to do it again. I want to smile, just because I have a worm happy feeling within me, telling me that everything will be okay. But I have failed when tried. i want happiness, but have none.
I feel as if my life is a never ending story. A sad story of a lost gril trying to find her way, but never succeeding.
- Maria.M.
