Try� Being happy about my life!?!
Like seriously. Before I left from Serbia this summer, I have spent a good, like 6-7 months just being on this like emotional roller coaster. Non-stop just up and down up and down, side ways and like upside down. I grew dependent on certain people who were really no good for me at all. They were there when they felt like it. Helped me out once in a while, when they felt like it. Talked to me and saw me when it was good for them. While I went around, busting my balls to make them happy, try to make some extra time and room for them in my life. So basically, I was chasing something, trying to hold on to that something when it was really never there, unless it �felt� like it. So I was always feeling really long and out of energy. I had no patience or energy to be with my family, my true friends and more importantly myself. I mean, out of every day, a person has to spend at least a tiny portion of it by themselves, just to think for a bit about what they have done or should be doing. I had no time for anything I really wanted to do, I was just so focused on these no-good-suns-of-bitches that I had grown so dependent on, I didn�t see what was happening to me.
Well, now I know what happened to me then. I know how, and why and when. The thing I learned this summer is how to get off that stupid roller coaster, and get in my own freaking car and drive how, when and where I want! I also learned how to avoid the same thing from happening to me again. Okay, so maybe I still need to practice the U turns to avoid the craziness I went through during those several months, but right now� I can�t honestly say I am content and satisfied with my life and where it�s going.
I am in high school, last year, I live with my parents in a nice house, my married sister is coming her with her hubby at the end of the month, and is going to give birth to a precious baby boy, my true friends are there for me as much as I am there for them, and I have a boy friend that is� different. I know when people use that word; it usually means it�s a bad thing. But I just used it as the best thing I can think of. When I think back to my past serious relationships I see a pattern they all share. I see that every time I would get out of my pretty little pink car and walk on over to the fucked up roller coaster ride. Stand there for a bit, examining it, deciding it looks safe, I get in for a test run. Everything is fine in the beginning, I�m enjoying myself. Then, all of a sudden shit goes wrong. At the time I never knew why, but it did. Now I know, and find myself to be so stupid for falling for the freaking roller coaster in the first place. I mean, who needs that emotional trip? Not me! Not again! That is why; I say that this guy is different. I am still checking him out, but so far, it seems that he comes from a whole new line of inventions. I mean, b4 it was like me getting on that emotional fucking coaster, now it�s like slowly stepping out of my cute pink car and carefully entering like, a blue Mercedes. I hope I it doesn�t take any U terns, cause I really like this one� I know how to get out in time to save myself from going through the same shit I have gone through b4 the summer ended. Getting out isn�t the problem now. The problem is, I don�t want to finally relax, and find out that this Mercedes (that I really like so far) is broken. Like imagine what a drag that will be. It�s like Alanis Morissette states in one of her best songs:
Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice..."
I just don�t want it to be one of those situations again. I am done letting go� falling to the point where I can�t slow down just enough to see where I am going to land. I�d love to do it again some day, but am scared. Although I love the thrill of the feeling, I love the feeling of letting go more. And so, I am happy in my current state, but do wish for more. I do wish that this blue Mercedes doesn�t take any wrong turns while I am still myself. I�m not saying that I won�t chose to get out of this car and back into my pretty pink one, somewhere along the way, I am just saying that I don�t want to chose to stay a bit longer and then find out that the door is jammed and I can�t get out�
Gosh! That sounds a little confusing. Even for me. So you prolly don�t get it, and are sitting on your ass right now scratching your pretty little head. Does that help u think btw? I�m just wondering. Lol
Ne who, life is going great so far, and I hope that who ever is playing these cards out for me keeps going in the same frame of mind, cause I am lovin� it! Hehehehehehe!
So my daddy just passed by to say hello. After we talked and joked around for a bit, he figured out this was for my website and insisted I give him the link. So since he is going to be reading this anyways, I might as well tell him and the rest of my family that I love them.
I don�t write enough about you guys here because� well necu da ceo svet zna o vama sta mozda sna o meni. Hehehe! Although I am happy and proud to say that my need to move out on my own isn�t as bad as it once was. I hope that strong need doesn�t come back any time soon, because I love you guys too much. And gosh, Marko? Do u actually think that I can stand to be away from him any longer than I have been this summer? Heh! Volim te tatko, I moram da ti kazem da si naj bolji tatko na svetu. Znam d ate neslusam stalno ali, si mi na mislima svaki put kada skretnem malo sa puta. I za to moram da ti kazem: HVALA! Cmok!
Ne who, I Have to go now, and do some of that homework I was talking bout prior to all the great happy feelings I ended up talking bout. I hope you have given your head a good scratch and wonder if you have ever felt the way I do right now. When your life is just looking so much better. When everything around you seems that much prettier then the last time you looked at it. When you stopped caring about all the negative shit on the planet and are just able to focus on what�s good and awesome for a change�
Drugs! Week, alcohol, coke, what ever it is, people tend to take it to run away from their daily lives, escape, just for a short while at least, forget all that shit, and just be blissfully happy. For most it works. And while they are high, visiting on cloud 9, or where ever they go, they are happy and having a good time. But that is the cheap way to do things. Compare that, to actually getting to that blissfully happy state by urself. By either working on yourself, on something around you or just changing everything and starting from scratch. Fixing the problems and finding solutions to them is a much better way to get that bliss. It might take a lot longer, but it feels so much better. Plus the happy feeling is real! Oh! And it�s way cheaper to. So _______ (friend�s name) you should really cut down on all that shit and try what I did. Actually working on a few things and urself to make your life that much better. To make yourself that much happier. It�s great! And I�m lovin� it!
I love my pretty little pink car, but am glad I have the blue Mercedes driving alongside me on the road, plz don�t take any unexpected (bad) turns�
