My lonely world of depression
just make it stop. why wont it end? everything is falling apart. its crashing down. trapped, suficating in my world of depression. i go to my room as if to disappear. try to hide myself from all reality. i wish i could hide the tears but no matter how i try they just keep pouring down, make them stop. why won't they end? from under my blanket i hear my name. (ah.. shit its my mom) i tremble for a moment afraid of what will come. what might she say or do? i take a deep breath and pull myself from my bed, wipe my tear stained cheeks and put on a fake smile. to pretend nothing is wrong. as i make my way up the stairs i hear her complain its just another thing i have done wrong nothing new. i am told to finish my chores then she wantes to talk (fuck about what now) i go about my work. my mind forces the bitching to fade. part way through my chores i slip into the bathroom just to wipe my tears before someone sees. not that they would notice or even care. im just a pointless object thats in there way again. with my work complete i slide into a chair and wait for whats to come. mom joins me note in hand. she goes throughit bit by bit. critisizing whats on my mind. i bite my lip. harder and harder. its all i can do to stop the tears. mom folds the note but continues on.. wow what a surprize, ive failed again. i am a horrible person, a coward, i do nothing right, i am wrong again. she just keeps beating me down. crushing every ounce of my soul. make her stop. why wont she end? finally she askes if i have any thing to say. i shake my head and slip away. back into my lonely world of depression i know so well. i crawl under my covers and once again begin to sob. i think of everything mom just said. is it true? am i really that bad? maybe i should just end it all. i wouldn't have to worry or wonder how i feel am i mad? am i sad? i try to sort things out in my head, but my eyes begin to close. i should just go to sleep. i'm sure it would be better. i can dream of my love, my life, my reason to live, a short smile breaks through as i think of him and how wonderful he has been. don't let it stop. it must not end. the next tear wipes away my grin, as i remember how long it will be till we can do things together again. with that thought i drift off to a better world. everything goes right i am important again. after only a breif time, this wonderful place is shattered with a harsh voice (its time to get up again) back into my depressing world. i put on my face and convince myslf i must be strong just once more. i swallow my pain. try to seem happy. my friends don't need my depression they have problems of there own. suicide, depression, troubles with family or friends. my friends are more important. i have to be there for them. it is just so hard. make it stop. why won't it end? the day begins. i swallow my tears and continue on. lunch unable to eat. i sit beside my love. just wanting to cry. he knows he will understand. i begin to shake holding in the tears. make me stop. why won't it end. i pull myself together and walk into class (sigh) my 6th period saint is here. it will all be ok. my first real laugh. how wonderful it seems. i try to thank her. not sure she really understands. (damn the bell) i must move on. i'm just a little closer to my lonely world of depression. schools done. one last hug and a kiss to last me through the night. i climb onto the bus sink into a seat. stare out my window. mind cluttered with questions. why is everything falling apart? its crashing down. why am i trapped suficating in my world of depression? just make it stop. why won't it end?