Weathering The Storm - Kylia

The trip back to the loft and upstairs was a blur. Only the feel of Jim's lips, Jim's hands, Jim's breath against my own, was registering. Everything else seemed too far away somehow.

I felt Jim press me back into the room, undressing me as we went and suddenly the back of my legs hit the couch.

Our couch. Our familiar, regular old couch.

Then everything started to come crashing in around me.

The feelings, the lust, the sensations were all still there, but suddenly, everything was like this huge gaping thing, with consequences, and I realized whatever happened here, whatever we did, would have repercussions.

I knew this before. Really I did. But somehow, being back here, at the loft, at our home it suddenly seemed more real somehow.

Now I'm faced with the realization that whatever we do here will have a profound effect on the rest of our lives. Are we really ready for that? Am I?

"Blair?" Jim's voice is soft, with an underlying confusion.

I'm afraid to look at him. I'm afraid for him to see my fear, my concern, and get the wrong idea. I love him. I really do, more than I ever thought was possible. But what if it's not enough? What if the love I have for him isn't enough? What if he doesn't love me? What if this is just a fluke? Some sort of weakened moment after our hellish week? We've spent so much time in the past few days working that nasty murder case, most of the time I'm not sure if I'm coming or going? Is this new development something that wouldn't have happened if we'd been thinking clearly? Can we risk everything for something that won't last?

It's funny that after all the notations, and theories, and comments on Jim's own fear causing certain reactions, it's my fear that may ruin this, ruin us.

"Blair?" Jim repeated my name, this time his voice strained, showing a bit of his own concerns.

I finally looked up at him. "I'm� I'm sorry. I�"

"Sorry?" Jim asked confused.

"I� we shouldn't do this." I moved away from him, trying to gain as much distance as possible.

I could feel his eyes on my back as I moved into my bedroom. Even after I closed the door, I knew he was out there, waiting, watching, getting ready to do or say something. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let him try to talk me out this. It would be too easy, and then everything I was afraid of would happen, and then there would be nothing left of us.

Nothing.

And I couldn't bear the thought of that.

So I did the only thing I could. I packed a bag.

I wasn't running away. Really. I just needed time. Time to think and decide what to do, and yes, time to think of a good, believable excuse for why this wasn't smart.

I only hoped he would let me go.

***

"You're leaving?" Jim's voice sounded strange, and I hated myself for putting him in this position.

"Just for a couple of days. I need to get away, to think."

"To run away." Jim's voice was filled with ice.

I looked up at him, surprised by his tone, although I wasn't sure why. "No, I'm not." I told him, shaking my head, edging towards the front door. "I'll be back in a few days. I promise." I paused, choosing my words carefully, needing him to understand. "Jim, we shouldn't� we can't. There's too much at risk."

"Too much at risk?" Jim asked, his voice soft. "What exactly do we have to lose?"

I couldn't answer him. I couldn't tell him my fears; I couldn't give voice to everything I was afraid of. Instead I moved quietly towards the door.

Just before I reached it, Jim's voice, rough with an emotion I was afraid to name, stopped me.

"I love you."

I opened the door and turned around, my eyes aimed somewhere lower than his face. I couldn't look into those eyes, not now.

"Don't."

I escaped out the front door, closing it shut behind me. I wanted to run down the hall, and down the stairs, run as fast as I could, just in case Jim decided to come after me, but I didn't. I knew, somehow that he wouldn't.

I knew that he agreed with what I was thinking, even if he didn't want to. That we shouldn't have made this step. We shouldn't have gone out on a date or even entertained the idea that we could be more. There is nothing more for us.

It wasn't until I was in my car, on the road to a place I hadn't decided yet that I allowed myself a first breath of relief. Not because I had escaped like a coward, but because by doing what I did, I saved us, even if I didn't feel saved.

Perhaps I never would.

***

I watched him leave our home, wanting to run after him, but knowing I couldn't. He needed to figure it out himself. And if I knew Blair, he would. He'd think himself in circles until he was dizzy, but in the end, he'd realize what I already knew, and that was that we were right. There was no way around that.

It had taken me a long time to realize that, and even longer to act on it, but once I did, I knew that it was the right decision. Blair would too.

I knew the important facts. Blair loved me. He wanted me. It was only the little stuff, and even the not-so-little stuff that was troubling him. But sooner or later, preferably sooner, he would figure it out.

I only had to wait for him to come to the realization, the same as I had.

***

I don't know how long I drove. It seemed like days, but I know it couldn't have been more than a few hours. Hours where I tried not to think about what I had done, what I had left behind, but somehow knowing that it was for the best, no matter how much it hurt.

I didn't know what would happen now, or if we even could continue to work together after this disaster I seemed to have caused.

I looked out the window of my car and was surprised to see where I'd ended up. Almost. Not entirely surprising to end up at Stephen's cabin. For the past two years, it seemed to be the place Jim and I went to when we needed to get away, either alone, or together.

Although, admittedly, I'd never come here before trying to get away from Jim. That made me feel a little weird. I'd never had to escape my best friend before.

Not once. Not while we fought over shared living space, and anal-retentive Sentinels and their throw-things-where-they-land Guides. Not even after the mess with Alex.

And now, here I was, running away from the one person from whom I never thought I would run. The irony was, I didn't really want to run from him. I wanted what he offered me, what we could have together.

But at what cost?

Would Jim hate me after things at work became difficult? Would his friends understand? Would I even be able to make the kind of commitment Jim wanted? I wanted to commit. I even believed I could, but what if I was wrong?

When I got to Stephen's cabin, I parked and just sat there a few minutes before climbing out and sitting on the warm hood. I loved the outdoors on pretty much any occasion; now was no exception.

I enjoyed the open feeling of being outside, the freedom that seemed inherently present. I didn't feel so claustrophobic out there. The cabin was set off the beaten track a bit. Not too far from an open road, but not close enough to draw visitors, unless they knew where they were going.

This time of night, you could hear the creatures moving around in the woods, and the trees blowing with the evening's wind.

I sat there, listening, for what couldn't have been more than a few minutes, but the time seemed to drift. Then suddenly I had this need to trek further into the woods, to be up close and personal with nature.

I jumped off of the hood of my car and started walking, back behind the cabin and farther out. There was a trail there that led to the small lake, but I didn't stop walking. A few yards from the lake I started to run. I'm not sure why I was running; if I was trying to exhaust myself enough to shut down my brain, or if I was trying to run away from, or to something. All I knew was I had to run.

And so I did.

***

It was nearly six hours after Blair ran away that I got the first flare of uneasiness. I don't know what it was exactly that alerted me to trouble, or even how I knew that Blair was in the middle of it.

I felt a presence watching me, peering into the back of my head. When I turned around and found the fierce expression on the feline face staring back at me, I wasn't surprised. My time with Sandburg must have burnt out the part of my brain that's shocked by strange and mysterious things because the sight of my spirit guide standing on the balcony to my loft, its black tail swishing back and forth anxiously, didn't seem in the least out of place.

I stared into the panther's eyes and watched as the animal turned his head and looked out over the city. He seemed to be trying to show me something.

I followed him onto the balcony and looked out over my city, extending my senses as Sandburg had taught me. Nothing seemed to be out of place. Still I had that prickling sensation I always got when Blair was in trouble.

Suddenly I knew that it was time for me to go, to find him. I knew where he would go, where he always went when he had to think. Where we could both find solace.

By the time I reached by truck, I could feel the change in the air, the whisper of wind swirling around, alerting me to the approaching storm. Rainy weather is not unusual this time of year in Washington, nor is Blair unfamiliar with it. However, I know Blair, probably better than most, although at times I feel as though I don't know him at all. If Blair is as upset as he seemed when he left, he probably isn't paying any kind of attention to the weather or anything else. He's probably internalizing everything, blaming himself and me for the debacle this night turned into.

I drive out of Cascade toward my brother's cabin, trying to decide what exactly went wrong exactly tonight. Blair seemed perfectly happy at dinner, and even afterwards. It wasn't until we returned home that he seemed to change his mind.

Was it something I said, or didn't say?

Either way, I needed to find him, and convince him that this is right. We are right.

***

I think its been raining for hours, and I've been running around in circles. I no longer know which way the cabin is, or if it's even close enough to make any difference.

I sit here, on a log in the middle of the woods, in the pouring rain, soaked to the bone, contemplating my life, or lack thereof. The irony has not escaped me.

I ran away from Jim, terrified of what we were doing, and how it was going to change our relationship; ruin it. But what I've discovered is that what we have is a relationship. It goes beyond friendship, and partners; it's even more than lovers, although we aren't actually that.

I was stupid to run, stupid to think that leaving him was saving us.

I can't speak for Jim, but I know that I am nothing without him. I may as well just stop living my life, become something that merely exists, rather than truly thrives.

As the rain get harder and the dirt around me becomes muddier, I realize how dangerous it was for me to run away like that. Not only am I cold, and wet, but I'm alone, and this storm is only getting worse. I've run so far that I'm not sure where the cabin is anymore.

If this storm gets much worse, I could die out here. Alone, surrounded by nothing but water.

It wasn't so long ago that I thought I was going to go just that way.

***

When I arrived at the cabin I knew instantly that Blair was gone. It looked like he'd been gone for a while. His car was cool, telling me it hadn't been run any time recently. It didn't look like he'd never even entered the cabin. There were a couple of spider webs across the corners of the door, and the porch mat was covered in dirt, which was quickly turning muddy from the rain.

Without thinking about much except finding Blair, I take off running in the direction I think he must have gone in. The further I run the deeper the mud gets and the harder the rain seems to be falling.

We've only been here twice together. Mostly we come here separately. He comes to 'process', what exactly I'm not sure, and I'm afraid to ask. I come here to think, mostly about Blair, what I want from him, and why I wasn't getting it.

It was just a couple of weeks ago that I came here, by myself, and realized that I was the reason I wasn't getting what I wanted. I was too afraid to go after it, and him. I still hadn't been sure of what to do about it until we worked that case.

It was a series of murders, very high-profile, and Blair was with me, every step of the way. It didn't matter that he had practically twice his usual workload at the university due to a professor's vacation. It didn't even matter that the case didn't seem to make much sense. All that mattered was that I needed him, and he was there, like he always is.

That's when I realized that we were wasting time. I was wasting time. I figured that he could figure it out himself. He probably knew I loved him before I did.

Blair's quick. He knew exactly what I had planned before we ever actually had dinner. I could tell by the look in his eyes. This appraising look he gets when he's trying to study something, when he thinks he understands but isn't quite sure and is looking for confirmation.

So when he asked, I gave him the confirmation he wanted.

Everything was fine, until we got home. Then everything went south, and not in a good way.

His first instinct was to go for it, to take what I was offering, but then his mind reported in and started reminding him of all that could go wrong with this, between us.

I know that's what happened, just as I know him.

Now I need to find him in all this mud and rain and convince him that his first instinct was the right one.

***

It's dark. I know that's not the most intelligent observation I could make but it's the only one I could come up with at this point. I stopped running about thirty minutes ago. I'm covered in mud and I think I'm at least partially submerged in water.

I fell into a hole of some sort, which is why I quit running, although I'm not sure how much longer I could have kept it up. If the exhaustion that is settling over me now is any indication, not long.

I can hear the rain as it pelts down on me. If I opened my mouth I could probably swallow enough to float down river, if there actually were a river. Instead I just lie here, getting more and more wet, and wondering why I ran in the first place.

I think I twisted my ankle but that's not really keeping me here. I think it's a combination of the water and the darkness, reminding me of the dreams I had right after� Alex. They were brutal and never ending, and I always woke up feeling alone and scared until I saw Jim standing in my doorway, watching over me, protecting me even when I didn't know he was.

That's what really gets me now. Here I am, stuck in a hole or ditch of some sort, with a sprained ankle, wet, cold, and quite possibly facing death by drowning if I don't get somewhere safe, quickly, and it's my own stupidity that I'm thinking about.

Stupid that I could have ever really thought that loving Jim was a mistake. That him loving me was an even bigger mistake. If I never went back, never went home to Cascade and Jim, would that stop him from loving me? If I went home and everything went back to the way it was before today, would that mean that Jim didn't love me anymore?

I doubt it. I've loved Jim for a very long time, and nothing Jim ever did could change that. Nothing that he said to me, either in anger, fear, or outright honesty would ever make a difference.

If that's true for me, why not for him?

***

The rain is letting up. Unfortunately it isn't helping me a whole hell of a lot. Even my enhanced senses aren't doing me much good. I know he's here, he's close. I can almost *feel* him although I'm not sure how that's possible.

The ground is thick with mud and the darkness is even too dark for me to make out much more than the shapes of trees. About a yard ahead of me I can almost make out something.

I speed up and nearly fall into a gaping hole in the ground� and on top of my soaked, and unconscious guide.

"Chief� Chief." I bend down and try and pick him up. He's soaked to the bone, and shivering wildly. I'm not sure if he passed out from the cold, or somehow fell asleep.

I know I've got to get him warm, and quickly. It feels like the rain might be picking up again. I lift him into my arms and am glad that it seems he didn't actually get too far from the cabin, although in this weather it was impossible for him to tell.

It takes me about twenty minutes to get him back to the cabin, through the now heavily falling rain, and into a hot bath. I stripped him and set him into the filled tub, the water temperature warming his body up. He's still unconscious and I'm afraid to leave him alone in case he slips. One drowning a lifetime is more than enough.

Once he's clean, and as warm as he's going to get, I drain the water and dry Blair off, taking him out the living room, where I build a fire. His lips are no longer blue and his skin has a rosy tinge to it from the hot water.

After I make sure the cabin is locked, and neaten the bathroom, I return to the couch where Blair is bundled up. I slip my body under his so that he's laying on top of me, my body heat warming him from behind while the heavy quilt warms him from the front.

A few hours pass before I feel Blair twitching above me, regaining consciousness. His heart speeds up as he realizes he isn't in the same place he was before.

"Chief, breathe," I tell him softly, my breath caressing his ear.

"Jim? Where�"

"We're at the cabin," I tell him.

Blair starts to sit up. I don't want to lose our connection but I know we need to talk. I let him go and he turns towards me, his eyes locking onto mine.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "I shouldn't have left. I was�"

"Scared?" I offer. "I know." I look into his dark blue eyes, glowing by the light of the dying fire. "I love you," I tell him as I lean forward to kiss him.

"I love you, too," Blair whispers just before our lips touch.

***

I kiss him thoroughly, hungrily, completely sure that this is what I want, where I should be. I'm not sure how long we've been here, or how he found me, or what it was I was so scared of before. I only know that those fears, weren't real and this is.

We still have a lot to talk about, a lot that we need to work out, but as long as we do it together we'll be all right.

We weathered this storm, and we did it together. As long as we keep doing it together we'll survive.

The End.

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