My fear grows everyday of the lurking monsters and unseen horrors that hide behind the burning curtains and I scream but no one hears me except for myself but myself doesn't even care because there's no reason to so I grit my teeth as I kick myself in the balls and the pain feels so good because it's good to feel something because my other senses have gone numb so I can't see the pain that I've caused and I can't hear the screams of the damned and I can't smell the evil in the air and I can't taste the burning flesh and everything is good I think but I don't actually know and I weep because I'm tired and I'm tired because I've been awake for a million years and even though I'm blind I've seen way too much to still have my sanity so I'm insane and though my voice cracks I brey laughter because there's nothing funny about anything because I see them acting normal in the light and acting is all they're doing because I peep into their windows when the dark falls and I don't even think they're human I think they are the monsters that I am afraid of and I don't dare to dream that I can make them go away because it's in the dreams that the demons seem so real and now I don't want to fall asleep because I fear the dreams and I fear fear and I want to crack my skull and pierce my brain to end it all but I fear that as well so I sit here in my darkness and my enlightenment and I'm smiling as I weep because I can't think of anything else to do because I can't think because I think I'm dead but how do I know if I am dead if there's no one here to tell me because I look around and I'm all alone and I can do anything I want to so if I wanted to I could strip naked and dance on their heads and piss on their graves but I really don't want to so I don't and that gives me pleasure so I pull down my pants and start to pleasure myself and as I climax to the thoughts of my own power I realize that I do have a lot of power and I have so much power that I must be God and you all worship me because I am the Almighty and the tears on my cheeks start to dry as I realize that you are all pawns in this fucked up game of life and life isn't fair because I don't want life to be fair because playing by the rules is over-rated and I have so much more fun when I have the cheat codes that give me the unfair advantages so I watch you on my giant computer screen and I could delete the monsters if I really wanted to but I don't think I really want to and then the music starts but I don't like the music because it's too loud and it's too overpowering so I put my fingers in my ears but that doesn't do anything because the music is coming from inside my own head but I still try to block it out as I hum loudly and I scream loudly and I cuss and I curse the gods in all their forms until I realize that I'm starting to like the music and my toe starts to tap and I try to sing along but I can't sing because they stole my voice so I just listen and it starts to lull me and I think that maybe there is a way that I can fall asleep but the music stops abruptly and I'm jolted back to full conciousness and once again I start to weep because I know that I've just lost the only beautiful thing I had ever found not that I found it anyway but it found me and nothing will ever find me again because I am invisible and I can walk through walls but there are no walls for me to walk through or maybe it's all just one big wall and that would make sence because I just don't understand and so I grab my pick ax and try to knock it down but every time the ax touches the wall a bolt of pain flies through me and I scream and the ax falls from my quivering arms and the sweat drips down my back and the cold seeps in and I start to shiver as I search for the blanket but it's gone and I know you took it because you hate me so much because I hate you so much and I stick my tongue out at you because there is nothing you can do about it because I am your Emperor and your King and your Master and you are my slave and I can do anything I want to you because I own you and you wern't cheap either for I had to sell my soul to get you and you know it too so I'm sure you don't mind as I pull out the whip and snap it acrossed your back because I'm only doing this because I love you and I beat you bloody and then I nurse your wounds and you turn and kiss me and I see that you love me even more than I love you and that enfuriates me so I look into your eyes one last time and then gouge them out and now they sit in a jar on my kitchen table next to the urn of my ashen mother whom I didn't kill but I wish that I had because she used to beat me but it wasn't because she loved me it was only because she was a bitch so I pull down the urn and scatter the ashes on the ground and I stomp on them and that makes me feel better because I know that when I die and reach Heaven she'll be waiting to kick my ass and when she's done she'll pass me around and I'll be raped again and again and again until I am bleeding from every hole in my body but I won't cry because I'll like it because I've always wanted to be raped but no one ever raped me so I raped instead and the Police tried to find me but I'm too smart or maybe I'm too stupid because I've suddenly realized that I've forgotten everything but it's not as if there's anything I need to know because I never finished high school but that's okay because I can steal anything I need and it's fun because I'm a klepto but I don't care because I'm many other things too and I'm co complex that it's no wonder I don't understand myself or anything else and in my confusion I stumble on the steps and I almost fall and I almost split my head open and I almost die but I don't so I continue up the endless staircase until I reach the top and as I step onto the platform I realize that I've left Earth and I climbed right past Heaven and I'm now in God's private study and I hope that He won't be mad at me but He's not home and He won't be ever again because He is dead and I think I might have killed Him because somethimes I don't even know my own strength and I unknowingly set off chains of events that can lead to disastourus results like one time at school I made fun of this kid and he went insane and he shot up the school but lucky for everyone he was a bad shot or maybe lucky for him not that it mattered anyway because the Cops shot him in the back of the head and everyone cried as his brains hit the floor but now that I think about it that boy was me and I think that that's the reason I hate the Cops so much and I have so much anger and it's funny how being shot in the back of the head and dying on your school's front lawn can spawn so much anger but it does and I'm glad because without the anger I would be an endless void of nothingness and that's no good because what kind of fun can nothingness have so it's good that I have the anger and at that center of the anger there is this glowing ball of sharp blue light and it's so bright that I have to turn away or I will go blind and I'm surprised because the light doesn't blind me but it actually lets me see even better and I can see everything and I can see the rabid dog that's attacking the little three year old girl and I can see the serial killer who's in the process of injesting his thirteenth victem and I can see the father who's raping his daughter and I try to close my eyes but I can't and they're drying up and they're cracking and they turn to dust and the wind carries them away but the memories stay because the wind can't blow away memories unless you are able to regurgitate them and I try to puke but nothing comes up besides colorless bile and it smells nasty so I crawl away and I'm not looking where I'm going and I end up falling off the edge and I fall for a thousand years and when I hit the ground the impact kills me instantly and I'm glad.
Finished 3:53 AM Feb 11, 2002 - written in part thanks to the fact that I'm strung out on lack of sleep and caffine |