What an insidious enemy. You don�t see it coming until it�s completely taken over your life. Things that once interested you are no longer important. Things you once did, you no longer do. Dreams you once had, no longer exist. Plans for the future have no meaning�..there are no plans. You just live from moment to moment, simply trying to function�..trying to accomplish the basic tasks of everyday existence�..the bare minimum. It�s as if your body has been sapped of all its strength, imagination, creativity and desire. And you don�t have the ability to figure a way out of it. I am tired of trying to manage my illnesses � the doctor�s appointments, the new and �exciting� maladies that always seem to appear, the medications � I would just like to hand it all over to someone else for a while.
A powerful, yet fruitless emotion for the most part. I am just plain angry that I find myself chronically ill, with no hope in sight for a change for the better. If I believed in reincarnation, I would think that in my previous life, I must have committed some heinous crime for which I am being punished now with multiple illnesses with either no cure, or that have the potential to kill me slowly and painfully. Daily pain and other miseries are my constant nemeses. And the worst part of it is that the miseries are unpredictable; they vary from day to day. It would be far easier to bear if I could KNOW what to expect to feel each day, instead of getting a �surprise� each morning.
Sometimes indistinct from apathy, but identifiable with the sudden onset of unexplainable tears and overwhelming feeling of sadness and loss. Sometimes I know why I cry�..a tender thought or memory, a sympathetic feeling, the purring of a soft, loving cat when you stroke it. But there are times when the tears come without warning, without cause�..accompanied by a feeling of dread that some catastrophe lurks just around the next corner. Palpitations, shortness of breath, nausea, tense muscles and the tears�..what a �delightful� feeling.
Huh�..what is hope? I no longer hope for the things I once did�..to travel to exciting new places, to meet interesting new people, to learn about wonderful new subjects. I really only hope for two things now: to see my daughter to the age and position where she is self-supporting, and to die quickly and with as little suffering as possible.
I love my daughter�..she is the light and salvation of my life. If not for her, I am sure I would not still be alive. She keeps me going. She is such a joy, such a great help to me. I just hope that when I die, she will be strong enough to carry on and be happy that I am no longer in misery. I love my kitty, Buddy. He is the most precious little creature�.so affectionate and loving. I can actually feel some degree of peace when he cuddles next to me, wanting attention, wanting me to stroke his soft, golden fur�..I fully understand why pet therapy is so affective. It�s far better than medications. I also love my little ferret, Wheezy. She is so adorable because she always looks like she's smiling. Her little cold, wet nose always gives me a sudden, but pleasant shock when she nuzzles my ankle. I love my mother and two brothers. They have been such a big help and comfort to me�..always available to step in and do things I cannot do. I don�t know what I would do without them. I love the scent of carnations, filet mignon (medium rare), turkey and dressing, bluebirds, vintage cars, old advertising art, old war movies and good music.
I have done a few things in my life that I probably SHOULD regret, but I don�t. It takes too much energy to focus on things that cannot be undone. But what I do focus on is the regret for things I have always wanted to do, but haven�t done and now can never do. I always wanted to learn to dance. I wanted to learn to play the drums. I wanted to be 130 lbs., 38-24-36 with waist-length blonde hair, clear skin and to wear a bikini to the beach (and maybe even pose for Playboy). I wanted to visit Texas, Savannah, Oregon, Maine, Nova Scotia, Ireland, Scotland, England, Germany�..but those trips will never take place. Unless I could make those trips using a motorized conveyance, it would not be possible. But much of the scenery I would want to see would be unreachable in a wheelchair�..I simply haven�t the stamina to walk for more than five minutes anymore.
I am confused. Is what I�ve been doing for the past 10 years really living? If so, then count me out. I rather think that I am merely existing�..just being carried on by the winds of time�..accomplishing nothing, making no impact on anything. My passing will not be noticed; it won�t change or affect the world. I get confused on a daily basis�..memory lapses (unexplainable). Perhaps I am simply too tired to bother with remembering.
I hate my job. I would quit it in a heartbeat if I had any choice in the matter. But I was not born into money and I haven�t won the lottery. The physical and emotional stress is almost more that I can bear. But each week I trudge into the hospital, and take care of sick people. HA HA HA�..kind of amusing in a demented sort of way�..a sick person caring for other sick people. I'M SICK AND TIRED OF SICK PEOPLE. I�m sick of holding other peoples� lives in my hands. I'm sick and tired of listening to THEIR whining and complaining. It would be nice to have someone take care of ME for a change. I hate stupid people. God must love stupid people; he made so many of them. I often wonder how some folks make it through a day without killing themselves or someone else. People that cannot do things like make a simple purchase without it turning into a big, lengthy ordeal. Folks that cannot drive and that have no idea what to do at a four-way stop. Idiots that have no clue how to behave in an elevator. People that are too stupid to know that they have no earthly idea what they are doing and won�t ask for help, but will bungle their way along until everything is so screwed up it cannot be fixed. I hate asparagus. I hate liars. I hate spiders. I hate sweat. I hate RAP music (or more appropriately cRAP music).
Oh joy�..another pain�..another illness�..another doctor visit�..another hospitalization or test. About the only joys I feel these days are seeing my daughter come home safely, my little animal friends and sipping an ice cold Pepsi. Holidays have become just a chore. I�d like to go to sleep the day after Thanksgiving and not wake up until January 2nd�..just miss the whole depressing, stressful Christmas-New Year's period. I used to love Christmas � the decorating of the tree, the shopping for an appropriate gift for each person on my list, the wrapping of the presents, and the festivities and food and gift exchanging. But fatigue makes all of this nothing more than a dreaded obligation now.
Why did I have to become a widow at the age of 44? I never intended to have that happen. At a time when I really need the love and support of a spouse, I am without one. I know it�s not his fault. But I miss him, damn it, and I feel cheated. God? Are you listening? CHEATED. ROBBED. You kinda make it hard for me to believe that you are the God of goodness and light. And you also took my father away much too soon. What was that all about? HUH??? He didn�t deserve to die either�..we needed him. He worked and slaved for years at a crappy job that he hated, just waiting for the day he could retire and enjoy life for a while. But he never GOT that chance. Why is Charles Manson still alive? Why do you allow serial killers, and child abusers/molesters to live? I just don�t understand. Am I bitter? You�re damned right I am.
My mother is dying.....all too soon.....without ample time to prepare for it. Begging me to 'help her die', knowing I cannot do that, not wanting to see her suffer, wanting her to be whole again, wanting to talk to her and have her respond.....yet not wanting to withhold the pain medicines that are keeping her comfortable just so she will be awake enough to hear me. Just looking at her sallow, sunken cheeks, the mouth gaped open, the raspy breathing, the congested cough and the blank hollow look in her eyes when she does open them is almost more than I can bear. I want to shake her and say, "Why are you giving up so quickly? We need you.....we LOVE you.....we have unfinished business.....there are still many things we need to learn from you!" But she said the pain was too great.....she wanted nothing more to be done to her. So I must abide by her wishes as I promised I would.....no life support, no unnecessary treatments, no prolongation of her 'existence' by artificial means.....just comfort measures. But who will comfort me when she is gone? WHO?????
I've bought my mother's house from my brothers. The house of our childhood.....HOME. I've moved into it full-time, and I feel more at ease, more content, and happier than I have felt in years. Although my daughter is still living in the home she grew up in, and I miss her terribly, I feel so much better now. She is not ready to give up the home of HER childhood just as I was not ready to let the home of MY childhood go. It might seem that the absence of my mother (and father) here would prove to be quite depressing. However it is exactly the opposite. Going from room to room.....remembering things, seeing things, touching things.....brings a great deal of comfort to me. I have left many of the little notes and mementos my mother placed over the years exactly where she put them. The neighborhood is pretty much just as it was 28 years ago when I left home.....same immediate, wonderful neighbors. They SAY you can never go home again.....I totally disagree.
