Silk, the First Born Courtier

Silk slept at night, or at least he dreamed. Wasn’t sleep supposed to restore you, make you feel better about yourself? He dreamed, of those burning eyes and that mocking smile that seemed to burn his skin.

He woke up to find himself alone, but he wasn’t, not really. His mind was still haunted…

Rafael, Duke of the Panther Court always seemed to haunt his dream.

“Silk, what is wrong with you?” his mother asked one day, exasperated. He was her favorite son, which was odd because he didn’t really look much like her. He looked like his father, and he didn’t have her peacock blue eyes. But he was still the favorite- which helped, because his own brother despised him and his sister… well, okay. So she was alright.

“I’m fine, mother.” He said, but he wasn’t. Not really. He had been making mistakes that court which could have him banished to the country house, except he had done so well before. His mother kept pleading with everyone, saying this was only a spell.

A spell. Hah. He wondered if Rafael had indeed, placed a spell on him.

He had met the Duke at a simple hunt about two months ago, and while the Duke did not treat him specially, did not act as if he was loved he couldn’t help but dream about the tall, darkly handsome man. It was odd, because while this sort of love was actually encouraged between courtiers –it helped win over some men- it also… wasn’t. Especially for him. He was the first son, and he knew his mother already had women lined up for him to marry.

For political benefits, of course.

“You would think you were in love with someone.” His mothers tone softened, and Silk almost stilled- except had he reacted, it would have given everything away. Instead, he tried to laugh.

“Mother, don’t be silly.” He said slightly, the mask of the courtier already slipping naturally over his features. “You know love doesn’t exist.”

Not really.

But he really, really wanted it to.

“Courtier Silk.” The voice, that deep purr had that mask slip out of place for just one second, and yet when he turned he saw only those gleaming pale green eyes. Panther eyes.

“You grace.” That slight smile tremored as he looked up, and for a moment he couldn’t think, not really. He was so hopelessly in…

No, he mustn’t think about it. Maybe if he didn’t think about it, it would stop existing.

“Call me Rafael.”

Silk looked up at him with dancing eyes he did not feel and said softly. “But that is foreword, your grace.” He arched a brow and laughed. “You would think we were closer than mere acquaintances.”

“Maybe we will be.” There was something about the thoughtful way the man pondered these words that had heat rise like a tide across Silk’s face. He smiled though, as if he was unaffected.

“Is that a promise?” he said, coquettishly.

He had to leave this place.

He had to leave, before he started to think that he was actually…actually in…

No, he mustn’t say the last word.

While he had been… infatuated, while he was infatuated it had somehow given him more to think about, as if he was indeed two different people.

“Silk.”

“Lace.” He acknowledged his baby sister as she ran into the room, her cheeks flushed and for a moment he relaxed, softened. No matter how many times she messed up, he loved her. Really.

“I’m going to find Velvet.” She blurted out, and Silk paused.

Yes, maybe this was his chance.

“I’ll go with you, he said quietly.”

The next day while he was busy trying to woo the woman, trying to look like he always did the shadow that fell across his frame was one he recognized. He wasn’t poetic, he was just a simple, proud youth and yet at the shadow, he felt something melt.

“Can I help you, your grace?” he asked, smiling as he turned with a sight tilt of his head, always ready.

The man smiled a rueful grin. “I thought I was managing to sneak up on you.” He said quietly, and even though his words were nothing poetic, there was a slight erotic thrill.

“Surely not, we Leopards are known for our hearing.” He teased, or did almost as he watched him, saw something shutter into those green eyes.

“I heard, you were leaving.” He said quietly, so very quietly and so Silk couldn’t help but blink.

“I’m going to go find my brother, in Cyatri.” While it was not that his brother had vanished, he was not writing as often. And while he did not like his brother…

Well, it was just an excuse. As his eyes lingered over the form of the Panther Duke something heated his eyes and he could only mask it a fraction too late. Only a fraction, and yet already, he was worried. He was supposed to be the distant one, and he was, from everyone else.

What were you supposed to do when one man affected you this way?

He was a proud man, really. A proud courtier, but this time he didn’t think about his pride.

“Are you running away, my Leopard?”

Silk blinked at the nickname suddenly given to him, and for a moment he could not recover. “What is there for me to run away from?” his words were too serious, too cold and the man smiled.

“Ah, I thought I would see you soon.” He said gently. “The real Silk, not some mask you hide behind… I don’t know. What would a man have to run away from?”

“Feelings.” Silk said carefully, watching the man straight in the eye. “Men run from feelings.”

Neither moved, and as Silk stared into those pale green eyes, as he drew himself up to say something, everything was lost when the man murmured.

“Then I suppose, that maybe I should go on this journey with you.”

Silk couldn’t react, and again only his naked face showed in front of the Duke, and he could not help himself.

“I guess” he said slowly, and for a moment he was lost. How could a courtier who was so used to dealing with his feelings, be lost? “I guess you should.”

The journey was a tense and nervous one, and while it took forever for them to reach Cyatri, at the same time Silk could not remember anything from the journey. It was as if everything rushed by him and he was left standing there, his mouth agape and looking out into the darkness with a slightly startled expression on his face.

Everyone laughed, of course. He was now not Silk, but often called Rafael’s Leopard. No one really understood, how he felt and silk had enough sembelance of a mind to hide it. But Rafael was always wearing a very thoughtful expression on his face, and it bothered Silk.

He was a proud man, but over this one thing he was a coward- and he was not ashamed of being a coward. Rafael never said anything to him about any of this stuff, and while they did spend more time… it was not enough.

“Ice?” he said blankly to the search rider who was watching him with a rider bemused expression.

“Arachnida Ice.” He repeated with a nod. “I think we should go there, to start your search.” It was rather amusing- he had been regaled by the other search riders as to this big group of dragon worthy bonders. Or something like that. They were all trying to gently break these men and women into the life they were supposed to lead, now.

“I guess so…” his eyes strayed to see Rafael laughing with a young woman, and his heard shattered a little bit. “Alright.” He confirmed.

The man had been a little hesitant to take on a trainee who looked to be so love sick, but a moment in his presence and he knew otherwise. There was something slightly distant, something cold about him at times, as if that was some part of his personality, some merged moment. It fascinated the rider that someone could be so aloof and so obviously vulnerable… but maybe it was only because he was a stranger. Maybe men from Silk’s world all wore the same expression.

“What’s your name?” the search rider asked cheerfully, and Silk looked up.

“My name is Silk.” The words, Rafael’s Leopard had almost escaped his lips and he cursed himself in his mind. What was wrong with him?

He was alone now, in a land surrounded by ice and for some reason, it was comforting. As if by staying around ice, some part of him melted and it distracted him from the Duke. When he had entered the Aiden for the first time, his eyes had been unused to such brilliant white cascading in all directions and for a moment, he had been blinded.

“Are you okay? Was I supposed to warn you about that?”

“No, no. I’m fine.” Silk waved away the offered hand, not wanting to look weak and when he opened his eyes, when his vision cleared he had seen the Ice Dragon leaning against her eggs, and he had been infatuated in a different way. “One of them…” he whispered. “Could be mine?”

The search rider, worry gone from his voice and feeling in territory he knew smiled. “Yes.” He said, walking forewords as he did so and standing by the courtier. “Maybe.”

“Maybe is still good.” With a wistful tone he reached out, and then hesitated. “I’m here to look for your brother.”

“You can do both.” The search rider laughed at the conflict in the man’s eyes. “The eggs will not hatch right away.” He assured him. “Don’t worry so.”

Silk smiled then, a rather sheepish little smile. “I’m not worried.” He began, and hesitated. “It’s… nothing.”

The search rider was slightly disappointed that this man would not share what ever he had tried to say, but he almost understood. Almost. “What ever suits you.” He said casually. “Keep your feelings to yourself.” The words may have sounded mean, but there was a gentle tone in them that kept them from being insulting.

Silk watched the man, arched a brow and his expression was so aloof, so… mask like, that the search rider could not quite believe that this man, and the other awhile ago were the same.

For Silk… for Silk, it was as if by being physically separated from the Duke, he was gaining back some of that control, some of that armor.

He did not want to lose it now, and there was no hurt in the search rider’s face, just surprise.

Silk was back, really.

Silk the Courtier.

And yet… and yet as he looked out over to the eggs, something in his face cracked and he found it harder to keep it up. For a moment a look of such hungry longing seemed to cross his features that the search rider understood completely what the courtier had been unable to say.

It was something that he had seen on the faces of many candidates, and this man was truly no exception. It was something he had felt once as well, the longing, the hope, the fear.

It was just… that maybe this man was better had hiding it.

The search rider smiled, a satisfied little smile. “Would you like to see where you’ll be sleeping?” he asked, nodding as he did so.

Yes, maybe this had been the right choice after all.